Don’t Leave Me

 

By Ann

 

 

You never know what you have until you lose it. I never realized how true that saying was. I took for granted you would always be there, by my side. I can remember that night so clearly, it seems sometimes like it was yesterday. Every detail has been etched into my memory, forever reminding me of the pain I felt when I lost you.

 

*~*~*~*~*

"Mommy, I can't sleep." Abigail, our 2-year-old daughter, groggily said. She was standing in the doorway of the kitchen and holding onto her teddy bear. Her eyes were just barely opened and adjusting to the light of the room, as the rest of the house was dark.

"Come here," I said, and she came over and sat on my lap. "What's wrong, sweetie?" I asked her, and she rested her head on my shoulder.

"I don't feel good. When will Daddy be home?" She asked me, her voice quiet and her bright blue eyes imploring mine.

"Soon, Abby. Soon." I whispered, holding her close. It was past two in the morning, and she was up. She usually slept through the night, but tonight she just couldn't seem to rest. I was awake though, I hadn't even gone to bed. I was worried about you. You had just finished the last tour date, and I hadn't seen you in weeks. You were to be home sometime tonight. "I'm bringing home my baby-bumble-bee, won't my mommy be so proud of me? I'm bringing home my baby-bumble-bee, Bizz Buzz Bizz Buzz, He stung me!" I sang to her softly, and her eyelids closed. I continued singing, rocking her back and forth until I was sure she was asleep, then I took her up to her bed, and gently placed her in it. I tucked her into her warm, soft blankets and she cuddled her teddy bear. You had given her that when she was born, and no matter how tattered and old it became, she kept it. I looked at her once more, peacefully sleeping. I wished I could just go to sleep like that right now, but I couldn't. I tip-toed down the stairs to go back to the kitchen and my warm cup of tea. The phone rang and I rushed to it, hoping to hear your voice. "Hello?"

"Emily? It's me. I'm on my way home." I heard your voice and sighed in relief.

"Thank God, Brian. I had the worst feeling that something was going to happen." I told you leaning against the wall and holding the phone.

"Don't worry, Em. I'm almost home. I'll see you soon. I just need to drop AJ off first." You said, your voice reassuring me that my anxiousness was simply my imagination over-working itself, you would be home and I would be in your arms tonight.

"Okay, I love you." I spoke softly, and I knew you were smiling.

"I love you too, Baby. I'll see you soon." You said, and hung up. I dumped my tea, which had gone cold, into the sink. I sat at the table, and poured another cup, hoping to chill my nerves. They were still all tied in a knot, but since talking to you they calmed a bit. I drank a sip of the hot, soothing liquid. I rested my head on my arms folded on the table. I woke up to a noise, it seemed to be only a few moments later, but the clock said it was four fifteen. Two hours had passed by and you couldn't have been home because you would have either carried me upstairs or woke me up. I heard the noise again, and realized it was the phone. I jumped up, and answered it.

"Hello? Brian?" I said, waiting to hear your voice.

"Is this Emily Littrell?" An unfamiliar voice asked me. With those four words, my heart dropped to the ground.

"Yes." I said, my voice trembling. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think.

"I am Dr. Richards, I work at the Orlando Community Hospital. Your husband and his friend were brought in a few hours ago, and he asked for you to come up here." His voice sounded sympathetic, but it gave me no comfort.

"Oh God." I whispered. My worst fears had come true. But if you were asking for me, then you had to be okay, you would be fine, I told myself. But somewhere, I knew that was a lie. "I'll be there." I told him.

"Okay, he's in the ER. I think you should come as soon as you can." He spoke to me and that confirmed my fears.

"Thank you. Bye." I said to him, though it didn't sound like my voice. I hurriedly ran upstairs, gathering Abigail, her teddy and blanket, not caring if someone saw me in my sweatpants. I couldn't think about anything but you. She stirred a little in her sleep, but rested her head on my shoulder. I buckled her into her car seat, then quickly began to drive to the hospital. I can't remember any of the drive there, I just remember parking. I took her out, and carried her into the hospital. I stopped at the front desk of the ER. A young girl, no older than me, was there. She had light brown eyes and blond hair. She smiled at me.

"Can I help you?" She asked kindly.

"I need to see my husband. Dr. Richards called me. His name is Brian Littrell." I said to her, my voice sounded weak and strange to me. She nodded.

"Right down that hall, the first door on your left." I walked down the white hall, and saw a few chairs in front of the door. He sat there, his head in his hands. He had a bandage on his forehead and a cast on his arm.

"AJ." I said, my voice barely above a whisper. He looked up, his eyes red and watery.

"Emily." He spoke, standing up and hugging me tight. AJ had been a friend of mine since I was a kid, and he is how I met you. He is one of my best friends, and when I saw his eyes, I knew it was bad. He almost never cried, except when his grandmother died, and when you had your heart surgery so long ago. He was always such a strong person, and I relied on him throughout my childhood. "I'll take her, you go see him." He said and I nodded dumbly as he took Abby into his arms. I kissed her cheek, and slowly walked into your room. It was dimly lit by a light above your bed, and there were lots of machines, one that beeped with your heart rate, an IV, and others I couldn't name. I looked all around the room, at the TV on the wall; the tall, wide window that looked over the dark parking lot that had spots of light from the light poles; the white wallpaper, clean and not offering any comfort. My eyes finally set on you, and I felt faint. You looked pale, and your skin was even a bit gray. A few bruises were on your face and right arm, the ones on your arm were dark and purple. You had a stitched cut that ran across your left arm, and a thin blanket covered the rest of you. I covered my mouth with my hand and closed my eyes, hoping this was all a bad dream, and I would wake up still sleeping with my head on the kitchen table. I opened them, and I was still in the hospital room.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God...." I whispered, a few tears dropping down my cheeks and flowing down to my chin and neck. I imagined you as in a tomb, dead. That thought made my stomach turn and my breathing quicken. I sat down on a chair I pulled next to your bed, feeling quite dizzy and ill. I felt a chill through my body, and all my hairs stood on end. I shivered then, and took your hand. It contained only a little warmth, instead of how warm it had always felt to me. I swallowed a lump in my throat. God, I was so scared. I couldn't go on without you, I knew. "Brian, if you can hear me, I love you." I said and kissed the back of your hand.

"I love you too." I heard your hoarse, strained voice whisper to me. I looked up and saw your oceanic blue eyes looking into mine.

"Brian." I said, and your hand squeezed mine. "Baby, I'm scared." I said.

"It will all be okay, Emily." You said, and tears began to fill up my eyes. "I'm scared too." You spoke. I wiped a few stray teardrops away from my cheek. "Is AJ alive?" You asked me. I nodded, and motioned toward the doorway. "Can I see Abby?" You spoke softly. I walked out to AJ and pulled her from his lap, where she was still resting peacefully. AJ didn't speak a word, he understood. I carried her in my arms, and you smiled at Abby's peaceful, sleeping face. "Emily, I want her to remember me." You said, your voice weak. I felt sick to my stomach at those words.

"She will Brian, because you will be alright and home soon. Everything will be the same, you have to make it Brian." I said, blinking my eyes to stop the tears.

"I don't think I can, baby." You whispered. I shook my head and my feet felt like they couldn't hold me up anymore. Right then, AJ came in and took her from my arms.

"Hey Rok." AJ said, standing next to your bed. "I called all of the guys and they should be here soon." He said, and you nodded.

"I want you to promise me something." You said to him.

"What is it?" AJ questioned, looking at you worriedly. He could tell by the sound of your voice you were scared.

"Promise me that you'll take care of Abby and Emily. I know now that I can't anymore." You said.

"Of course, Brian." He said, and his voice was full of emotion. "You are like my brother, I want you to know that."

"I know. Tell the rest of the guys I love them all too." You said, and AJ hugged you.

"I will." He said, then took Abby out to the hallway.

"Come here, Em." You said, and I walked closer to you. My head felt very light, like I was dreaming, not really here. I struggled for a breath as I took your hand. "Remember I love you and Abby. You take care of her for me, don't let her forget me. I'll be watching over you both." You said, and I hugged you.

"I love you too, Brian don't leave me." I said, my voice cracking. I kissed your lips softly, and held you in my arms.

"I love you..." You said, then closed your eyes. A machine next to the bed began beeping, and I took in a trembling breath. This couldn't be happening.

"No..." I whispered. "No! You can't leave me! I can't raise her alone!" I said louder. "Brian I love you!" I said, and there were nurses and doctors all over the place. I felt a pair of strong arms around me and turned around to see Kevin, tear stains on his cheeks and worry in his eyes. I looked to the hall and saw they were all there; Howie, Nick, and AJ still holding Abby. They all looked so solemn and sad, it pained me to see them like that. I collapsed against Kevin, sobbing and crying more than I ever have in my life. I felt like my insides were being ripped out, and I couldn't breathe. He rhythmically patted my back while whispering prayers and other things he thought would soothe me a bit. I think he might have even sang, but I can't remember. I must have passed out then. I woke up later the next day, still in the same clothes and in our bed alone. I thought it was a dream, it had to be. Until AJ walked in the room, probably checking on me. I saw his face, and I knew it wasn't a dream. He hugged me tightly and let me cry.

 

 

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