Brian
This dream had been different.
Different from the dreams he usually had anyway. It had started out as a normal
dream, well maybe not normal, but
he was used to the dreams. There was just the usual road, the usual giant of a
truck and of course usual death. Brian could always see himself driving
that Jeep, riding right into destruction. He just couldn’t stop it, never. It
was like he was only witnessing it all, a silent participant. All his
nightmares were like that. He was always watching from a distant, unable to
stop the tragedy that was sure to follow.
But not tonight, tonight he could move,
could interfere, could be a part of the ordeal.
He watched as the tortured body of his son changed in
something else, something a lot smaller, he didn’t recognize what it was
though. The background changed and it was dark, but yet it was light. The
contrast made perfectly sense to him when he saw the six feet high flames tower
over him and the small object. Fire! It was hot. He wanted to run away but he
couldn’t, found himself glued to the spot. The small object began to make
noise, long wails of fear. When he got clear sight of the thing he could see
the little girl. She was burning. Burning alive! Blisters were already forming
on her frail form and the blood was everywhere. They needed to get out of
there. Brian tried to grab the tiny human being out of the crib, but suddenly
found himself standing outside, next to Nick, Kevin, Howie and AJ. They were
all watching something with a terrified look on their faces. Kevin and Howie
did their best to hold AJ back, who was struggling in their grasp, trying to
get away. Brian watched them, shocked. What’s going on? How’d I get
here? When he got sight of the burning apartment
in front of them.
“NO! My daughter! She’s still in there! Let me go, goddamnit!” He could hear AJ cry.
Brian walked towards the apartment, not sure about what he
was going to do.
“What do you think you’re doing? Get the hell back here! Going
in is suicide!”
Brian stopped in his tracks. They can see me? Nick was looking at him as if he were about to do
the most stupid thing in the world. Probably.
“You don’t understand, Nick! I have to do this, it’s the
only way. I have to save her!”
“No way, the only thing you’re gonna accomplish is your
death.”
“Maybe it’s meant to be.”
“No, Brian, I don’t believe in that shit!”
“Relax, besides, this is only a dream.”
“What? No, it’s real, it’s not just one of your dreams!”
“I’m sorry Nick, I don’t have a choice…”
“There’s always a choice, Frick!”
“Not this time.”
He could hear Nick scream helplessly as he entered the
burning building. He felt the flames scorching his flesh, felt the smoke
suffocate him, but he didn’t pay it any attention. He knew where he had to be, knew
what he needed to do. Today you
are going to pay your debts. When he reached the
nursery he couldn’t see anything beyond the black smoke. He dropped to his
knees and crawled towards where he thought the baby-crib had to be. When he reached
it he realized something was wrong, there was no sound. Only the flames could
be heard. No,
no, no, no, no. He didn’t want to look
into the crib, but he did. He could see the tormented body of the little girl,
unmoving, eyes closed and blood everywhere. Too late. He scrambled back on the floor towards the door. You can’t die in your dreams,
I’m gonna wake up now. But he didn’t, he
couldn’t. Death was holding him firmly in its grasp. Death loved Brian, and it
didn’t matter to Death if Brian didn’t love him back. Death came to visit Brian
every night in his dreams, wanted to show him what Death could do, wanted to show
him how powerful Death could be. Wanted to give him a chance to defy Death...
but now Death was tired of waiting.
Brian watched in horror as he saw Ava climbing out of the
crib, looking accusingly at him. “You should save me.”
“I can’t. You’re already dead. I tried, but I was too late.”
“You’re not too late yet, you just have to try harder next
time.”
“What do you mean?” It was getting harder to talk as it was
getting harder to breathe.
He watched as Ava’s broken, mutilated body turned into
Baylee’s.
“Bay…”
“It’s never too late to set things right, Dad.”
“Baylee…” He could hear Baylee scream again in his head. But
when he looked he saw the kid standing in front of him with an earnest look in
his eyes.
“You should have saved me, Dad.”
“I know, I’m so sorry.”
“You should have saved Mom too.”
“I wish I had, buddy, I really do. I should have saved
everybody.”
“You should have, but you didn’t. Don’t you understand,
Brian? Your wife and son were the ultimate sacrifice. If you had saved them,
the dreams would have stopped. You would have succeeded in what no one else has
ever succeeded in before: You would have defied Death. You be glad I’m giving
you another chance!”
Brian watched horrified as Baylee’s blue eyes lit up into
another shade of light blue, almost white. They were actually glowing.
“You should wake up now.”
He saw Baylee’s body turn into Ava again, watched her fall
helplessly to the ground, like a rag doll.
“Nooooooooo…. AVA!”
“I think it stopped.”
“Good, help me get him back on the
bed.”
He could feel himself being lifted from
the ground as a pair strong arms slid under his knees and back. He wanted to
tell the arms to put him down. Pain was flaring up and down his body as he was
being moved. He was just too tired to get any words out. The pain surging in
his head was excruciating and he wanted to scream for help, but couldn’t. He
felt how he was placed onto something soft and the arms went away.
“Don’t we have to call 911 or something?”
“I don’t know, he seems fine now.”
I am fine, if only this pain in my head would stop.
“He just had a freaking seizure, AJ!”
Ah, that explained a lot. Brian was used to the extreme reactions
his body would give to the nightmares. He’d often woken up in the middle of the
night to throw up, had fallen out of bed many times, he’d even been
sleepwalking a couple of times. Leighanne had always been worried, fearful, but
had accepted the nightmares to be a part of him. He had never had a seizure
before though. No more alcohol for you,
Littrell. He wanted
nothing more than to give in to the darkness that beckoned him, but there was
something he had to know.
“Brian? Why isn’t he waking up?” He could hear Nick beginning to
panic, feel a hand on his hot forehead.
“He’s burning up!” Burning! I’m not the
only thing that’s burning!
He needed to wake up, needed to warn them. He opened his eyes to
splits and mustered a quiet moan.
“Brian? Oh thank God. Man, I thought you were going to die.”
“Nah, can’t get rid of me that easily.” Brian tried to smile, but
it turned out more as a frown when the pain surged through his head once again.
“You okay?” Weird question, Nick.
“My head’s killing me.”
“Ha! I bet, Littrell! You’ve drunk enough alcohol for a hangover
to last for eternity.” He heard AJ yell from the other side of the room.
“Nice prospection.”
“Maybe you should have thought of that before you grabbed a bottle
of this shit, Littrell!” AJ waved a bottle alcohol about in an angry way.
“What’s with my last name, Alex?”
“What’s with my daughter, Littrell?”
“Ava! Where is she? Is she okay?”
“The hell are you talking about?”
“Is she safe?”
“Yes!’’
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty damn sure!”
“There was no fire…”
“What?!”
“Nothing, just be careful with her, okay? She might be in danger.”
AJs eyes
narrowed and he got a dark look in his eyes. “Is that a threat, Littrell?”
“What? No….”
“You stay the hell away from her, you hear me? I don’t want to see
you near her!”
“Wait, I didn’t…”
“Shut up!”
This was absurd. He hadn’t done anything wrong, he knew he hadn’t,
or had he? He didn’t know anymore. He was getting more and more confused and
his head felt like it was about to explode. He looked helplessly at Nick, who
had backed away a little. Well, he won’t be of
much help.
“What did I do?!”
“You just threatened my little girl, you sick bastard! That
obsession you seem to have with her, it’s freaking me out! It’s insane! You are
insane!”
“That’s not fair! I haven’t done anything! Nick?!”
“I’d like to stay out of this…”
“Fine! Just go! Both of you!”
“You can’t send me out like that, Littrell!”
“Well, Nick doesn’t seem to have a problem with it.” Brian called
to the blond, who was already standing by the door. “Just go, you coward.” Nick
looked at him, shamefully. Brian knew the kid would rather run away from
trouble than deal with it.
“I’m sorry Frick, I just, I gotta do something.”
“It’s in the middle of the night, you asshole!”
“I’ll be right back.” And he went out. Just like that. AJ was
still looking hatefully at him.
“Anything I can do for you?” Brian spat.
“Stay. The. Hell. Away. From. My. Daughter. You creepy maniak.”
“Yeah whatever.”
AJ kept staring at him as he backed out of the room. “I’ll go
sleep with Nick.”
“I hope you two make ugly children!” Damn, he was on a roll!
Suddenly he was alone in the room. The room that reeked of vomit
and sweat. And Death. He was left with his thoughts.
They scared him. Nick wouldn’t come back. Not today anyway. He had scared the
blond off big time.
Brian didn’t sleep for the rest of the night.
“Something’s bothering you.”
“What makes you think that?”
“You’re awfully quiet, I mean, more than usual.”
Brian smiled grimly. It was Wednesday, Shrink day. They had sent
him to Dr. Krysler ever since he got out of the
hospital. She was nice, but nothing more than that. He didn’t tell her anything
beyond what she needed to know. He provided her with just the right amount of
information, giving nothing away, but just enough to satisfy a psychologist.
“I have a murderous headache.” No point in lying to her. He had
tried at the beginning, but she didn’t fall for it. I’m a bad liar.
“How come?”
“Because I drank too much last night.” He didn’t tell her why he
had drunk so much last night, wouldn’t tell her what happened after that.
“Why did you drink so much Brian?”
“Because I felt like it.”
“Were you thinking about them?”
“I’m always thinking about them. Is that so wrong?”
“Not at all.”
“Good, cause I want to remember them, like they were.”
“And I want you to remember them, but please don’t go for the
alcoholic way.”
Brian laughed. “Oh, believe me, I won’t.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“I don’t like it.’’ That would have to do. He didn’t want to tell
her about the seizure, or the terrible dream that had caused it. The nightmare
had been weird, weirder than usual. It had felt so real, so vivid. And he
remembered everything.
“Is there something else you need to tell me?” What, do I think too loudly or something? Is there
a billboard on my head that says: ask me if I’m fine?
“AJ is mad at me.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know. Something I said I suppose.”
“What did you say to him?”
“I’m not exactly sure, I was sleeping.”
“So you said something in your sleep that made him mad?” When Dr Krysler said it like that, it sounded ridiculous.
“I assume. When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous.”
“Do you think it is ridiculous for someone to get mad when you say
something you don’t remember saying?”
“Yes…”
“So do I.”
“Well, we definitely scared Nick off.”
“Is Nick one of your friends?” Brian looked at her, unbelieving.
Had he never mentioned Nick before? Sure she knew they were Backstreet Boys,
didn’t she? He thought it was common knowledge who his friends were.
“Have you been living underneath a rock, Dr Krysler?”
“Don’t be absurd, of course I know who Nick Carter is, I just want
to know how you see him, how do you know him? Is he your friend?”
“He’s my best friend. We practically grew up together. Well, he
did anyway.”
“So you know him well?”
“I like to think so.”
“What’s he like?”
“Ha! He’s crazy! Can be very irritating sometimes. But I still
love him, he’s my little brother. But sometimes…”
“Sometimes what?” Geez, does she need to
know everything?
“Sometimes he’s insane.” Brian smiled at the memory that plagued
his mind. It had been just one of Nick’s crazy ideas…
“Come on, Bri! It’ll be great!”
“You’re absolutely crazy! I’m not gonna do it! Ask AJ or
someone else!”
“Nah, AJ is no fun since his wife got pregnant. Now he’s
absolutely boring.”
“So you’re saying that everyone who does not go along with
your idiotic plans is boring?”
“Yeah, you got it!”
“Whatever dude.”
“Besides, you’re the only one except for me who can play the
guitar.”
“I can’t play guitar! There’s only like two songs that I
know.”
“Good enough for me!”
“Pffffffft.”
“Oh come on, do it for me, please?” Nick looked at him with
big pleading puppy dog eyes. Normally he would fall for it, but Nick’s plan was
way to absurd for that.
“No! I’m not gonna sit in the middle of Amsterdam with a
guitar in my hands! Especially not with you! What if someone recognizes us?”
“Oh, I thought about that. Nobody will know us, cause we’ll
be hobo’s!” Nick smiled triumphantly.
“Hobo’s?”
“Yeah, you know, homeless people?”
“Dude I know what hobo’s are! I just…”
“Look, I bought wigs and old coats and everything. It’s all
taken care of! Besides, it’s gonna be Queensday, so
everybody will be too drunk to recognize us anyway.”
“Yeah, cause hobo’s with 300 dollar sneakers are normal in
Amsterdam.”
“Right! I have to get rid of the sneakers! Good thinking
B-Rok!”
“This idea is bound to go wrong, as are all of your ideas.”
“Oh man, come on, have you never wanted to sing songs in the
middle of the streets? Like a true street musician?”
“Not particularly, no.”
“Well, I have. Just help me make my dreams come true.”
“Yeah well, some dreams are just not supposed to come true
Frack.”
“Hmpf.” Nick had looked
disappointed. If it had been fifteen years ago, Brian would have said yes
without a second thought. But now…
“Look, I’m sorry. But if you want to sing and play like a street
musician in the middle of Amsterdam, which is really crowded, especially on Queensday, mind you, then you’ll have to do it alone. I
can’t go with you. I promised Leighanne and Baylee I would be home on the
30th.” He had wanted to spend as much time with his family as he possibly
could. Just in
case…
“Well, alright, you fun-spoiler. I suppose I could ask
Howie. But just imagine how much fun it would have been!” Nick tried for the
very last time. Brian shook his head, unbelieving that Nick was actually going
to do this.
“I’ll hear the stories and I’ll see the pictures.”
“Oh definitely! Have a good trip back home Brian!”
“Thanks, have fun you crazy nut!”
Home. He didn’t have a home anymore. He had refused to go back to
Atlanta after the accident. Their house was flooded with memories, he wanted to
remember them in his own time, he didn’t want to be forced with memories. He’d
been staying at Kevin’s place for the time being. He had only gone back to
Atlanta once to pick up his stuff, that Kevin hadn’t already picked up yet. His
cousin had gone with him, however, asking him if he really didn’t want Kevin to
pick up the stuff. He had wanted to tell him that, yes, he really wanted Kevin
to do it, but he didn’t want to bother his cousin any more than he already had.
“So you went alone?” Dr Krysler asked.
Brian looked at her. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to share this
story.
“No, of course not. You can’t tell Kevin Richardson what to do.
He’s gonna do the exact opposite. Of course he insisted to come and I didn’t
have the energy to refuse. So he came.”
“I see.”
“Yeah, he drove me all the way to Atlanta. I kinda had no choice
but to go. I tried to sneak out while he was getting lunch, but he caught me
while I wasn’t even out of the parking lot yet.”
“Why did you try to escape?”
“Cause I didn’t want to be there.”
“Why not?”
“You know why…”
“Alright, so how did it go?”
“Oh, it went really well. Until I got into Baylee’s room.”
“What happened there Brian.”
He really didn’t wanna tell her about
that. But he hadn’t been able to keep his mouth shut. He never was able to keep
his mouth shut…
“I don’t know. I was on the way to my study room and then… I don’t
know, something dragged me into his room, I guess.”
“What did you think when you got in there?”
“Haha, see, I figured you’d ask me a question like that.”
“Well?”
Brian sighed. “Well, I had told him to clean his room, and he
promised me that he’d do it after lunch, so it was a mess. A mess of all of his
stuff. His favourite toys, the teddybears,
homework, CDs.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, it was like nothing had
happened. Like Baylee could have walked in every second and ask me what we
would have for dinner tonight.”
It had felt like his little boy was there. Like he was with him in that
room, telling him he’d love to have French fries tonight. But that couldn’t be,
could it? Baylee was dead, his little boy was dead. MY SON IS DEAD! The kid hadn’t even had a
chance to grow up, and it was his fault. He was a terrible father.
“Brian, you okay.”
He was breathing hard, panting almost. One moment he could see the
boy with him in the room, the other he’d see him lying dead in the Jeep…
“No, I’m not okay. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.
My little boy died, my kid! He hadn’t done anything wrong! This was not
supposed to happen to him! He shouldn’t be dead! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH
THIS!”
“It’s not your fault Brian.”
“What do you know about this? You can’t possibly imagine what I am
going through.”
“My mom died last year. She had breast cancer.”
“How old was she?”
“Seventy.”
“That’s hardly the same now, is it? She had a chance to grow up,
have kids, have a full life. Baylee’s never even been in love! He doesn’t know
what it’s like to love a woman, to marry someone, to have a career, to have
kids of his own. He freaking DIED before he had the chance to find out!”
“Where was Kevin in all of this?”
“Oh he came eventually.” Brian remembered how he had sat in the
room, clutching Baylee’s favourite toy, a pluche dog. He had gotten it when he was just a tiny baby
and it had been by his side ever since. He’d take it everywhere he went.
Couldn’t sleep without the damn thing. Brian remembered one time Leigh had to
drive all the way back to the last hotel, because Baylee had left it in one of
the rooms. The boy had been hysterical and refused to calm down without Momo. Brian was hysterical now. Wrapping his arms around
the faded toy he cried harder than he’d ever done. That’s when Kevin had come
and had embraced him in a tight hug. They had sat in that room longer than
Brian could remember.
He was glad when the meeting was over. This was not exactly his
day. Not from the first moment he woke up. Not that he had slept much anyway…
When he got back to the hotel he was pleased
to see that he wasn’t left entirely alone. Nick was sitting in Brian’s room, an
indescribable look in his eyes.
“Hey Frack, I thought you were going to
the movies with the other fellows?”
“Nah, man. They wanted to go see Batman again.”
“But you love Batman.”
“Not after the sixth time!” He had a point.
“Okay, doesn’t explain why you’re in my room.”
“We need to talk.” We do? Please not now.
“No we don’t.”
“Oh yes. We have to talk like men.”
Brian raised his eyebrows. “Alright tough guy, about what?”
“Oh, I don’t know. How about everything? Like how you were acting
yesterday morning in the gym? Or last night? What’s with the freaking seizure dude? Don’t ever, and I mean
ever, scare me like that again!’’
“Yes sir!”
“So what’s with all that, man?”
“I don’t know. I just got upset about that song, alright? Do I
need to have a reason?”
“I guess not.”
“Good. Any further questions?”
“Yeah, why’d you have a goddamn seizure in front of us?”
“That’s what alcohol and painkillers will do to you. I promise you
I won’t do it again, I didn’t like it any more than you did, I suppose. Now,
did we clear that up?”
“I was ready to call an ambulance, man.”
“I’m glad you didn’t. Can I go now?”
“But this is your room.”
“And it’s getting quiet uncomfortable in here. So, anything else,
Nick?”
“Yeah, one more thing.” Oh good, we’re getting
to the end already.
“Hmmmm?”
“Why’d you wake up screaming Ava’s name?” Ah, that’s why AJ’s angry. Glad we cleared that up.
“Yep, and then you started to question AJ if he was sure that his
daughter was safe. What the hell, dude?”
“I just… ummm… never mind, forget about it alright?”
“Brian, what’s going on? Was AJ right? Cause I can’t imagine you’d
wanna hurt Ava.”
“What? No! Of course not!”
“Then what is it?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“What wouldn’t I understand?”
“Just… don’t worry about it okay?”
“What? Brian, what are you talking about?”
“Sometimes bad things happen, alright?”
“Brian…”
“And there’s simply nothing you can do about it! So don’t worry.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“What happened to you man, you’re not the Brian I used to know.”
“The Brian you used to know is dead, he died with his family.”
“I want him back.”
“Believe me, I do too.” He could clearly see the tears in Nick’s
eyes, the frustration in his expression. He wished he could help the kid.
“Look Nick, I just don’t want you to
worry about me okay? There are just some things I need to figure out for
myself, okay? Alone…”
“Let me help you!’’ What a brilliant idea! Let’s share my problems with
the whole world!
“Umm, no. No offense, but I need to do this on my own.” But he
wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He’d been carrying this burden for more than
thirty years. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to do it all alone anymore.
“I just wanna help you, okay?”
“Trust me, I don’t deserve your help!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It was my fault! You understand? It’s my fault they’re dead!”
“Yeah, you keep saying that, but I still don’t believe you.”
“See? I told you you wouldn’t
understand.”
“How? How is it your fault? Huh?”
“I can’t explain, just trust me, alright?”
“Brian, remember what you told me when Leslie died? You told me
that it wasn’t my fault! That I couldn’t have stopped it, no matter how hard I
tried! I believed you, you bastard!”
“That’s different…”
“How? How is that different? It was a freaking accident, man!”
“It’s different Nick! It’s different cause it’s my fault! It’s my
fault they died, because I dreamed about the accident days before
it happened!”
***
