14. Hero

Brian

“Don’t try to be a hero, Brian, it really doesn’t suit you!”

Brian sighed, it was the dream again. He’d had it for over six months now, longer than he had ever had a dream before. If it has to happen, why hasn’t it happened yet? He wasn’t used to this. He had never been a really patient man, liked to get things done when things needed to get done. He couldn’t stand this waiting, doing nothing.

He’d been sharing a room with Nick all the time, and he was glad for that. For the first time in his life he felt like he had someone to talk to about the dreams. Nick didn’t understand half of it, and he certainly grew more sceptical as time went by, but it was nice to have a somewhat companion. Sometimes Nick was actually able to wake him up when things got too rough. And things got rough a lot lately. Brian saw it as a sign that they were getting close. The dream got more detailed, more intense, more real. He felt sorry for Nick. Brian always woke the younger Backstreet Boy up with the screaming and the trashing. He never heard Nick complain though. Brian really needed to get used to the role reversal. For once Nick had to take care of him. And the younger man seemed to love that. Nick seemed to see it as some kind of payback, so he liked to give Brian back whatever it was he had given him over the years. It didn’t mean that Brian loved that as well though. It just didn’t seem natural to him.

Wondering about this change of roles, Brian walked into the burning apartment, as he had done night after night after night. He knew what to expect, knew where to be, he just never knew how to be there on time. The fact that it was an apartment that was burning, should give him some clues on when it was actually going to happen. Must be after tour, or on a break. No way AJ gets to live in his apartment while touring.

Brian almost always knew it when he was dreaming. Especially when he’d had the dream more than once. He hadn’t cared to count how many times he’d set foot in this burning building, but over the past six months, it had been a lot. He knew the flames couldn’t hurt him, knew he wasn’t gonna suffocate on the smoke, because it is just a dream. But his body didn’t seem to comprehend that. He still felt the need to run away from the imagined hot flames, still wanted to throw up whenever he saw the mutilated body of the dead girl in the crib… It really didn’t help that the dreams got more intense as time went by. He thought he could actually feel the flames torturing his body after he woke up. Not that he’d tell Nick that. The kid had enough on his mind already. He’d been really secretive about it, but Brian knew that he had proposed to Lauren. He’d even asked Nick about it, mister Husband-to-be had turned all red and refused to answer. It told Brian enough. It was the exact same thing he had done after he’d asked Leighanne to marry him. Don’t think about that… He was happy for Nick, of course he was! But he couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy whenever he saw the happiness in Nick’s eyes. It could be over in mere seconds, Nick… that’s why I need to save Ava…

Ava! Of course, that’s what he was here for! He really didn’t want to be too late again. He could feel the blue white, glowing eyes burning a hole in his back, along with the flames. Years of experience had given him a pretty good idea of whom they belonged to. He saw them in every dream. Death is playing with you… He’d always chosen to ignore them, to stay out of the nightmares, to just observe and watch people die. The eyes had never done anything more than just staring, watching, waiting for him to do something, to make a mistake. But he’d never done a damn thing to stop the tragedy that was always certain to happen in every nightmare. Until now…

He searched for the nursery through the thick, black smoke. Suddenly he heard something running into something else. A hushed growl followed. The hell was that? That was new… he turned and stood still to access the situation, then shrugged as he couldn’t figure out what it was. Let’s just get on with it. Finally he reached what he was aiming for, and was surprised to see the flames hadn’t gotten as far as he had expected when he stepped into the nursery. He ran to the crib and saw that Ava’s body hadn’t been attacked by the white hot flames yet. She was sleeping soundly and when he took her in his arms she woke up and watched him through big brown eyes. He smiled at her and she smiled back. Just as Baylee did whenever I took him in my arms… don’t think about that…

“It’s okay, I’ll save you, you’re gonna be saved…”

Suddenly, he heard the door creak open and stiffened slightly.

“Freeze! Turn around and step away from my daughter, you creep!” He heard someone yell at him. when he slowly turned around he couldn’t see anything but black smoke and glowing, white eyes. No way…

The next thing he heard was a growl and the white eyes began to curse vehemently.

“Ow! Fuck! Son of a…” Brian didn’t move, didn’t really understand what was happening, was only aware of the flames that were getting closer and closer and Ava getting more anxious in his arms. He didn’t even notice it when the lights went on.

“Brian? What the fuck are you doing?” he heard white-eyes ask. Fear was rooting him to his spot, he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything but stare as the figure with the glowing eyes got closer, stepping right through the flames and the smoke, and panic took over Brian’s entire body.

“You sick fuck! Put her down! What the hell are you doing here?!” The stranger’s eyes glowed just a little brighter white as he screamed at him. Brian didn’t know what to do. The eyes had never screamed at him, never done anything but watching. What the hell is going on? Can’t I just wake up now, please? But he knew that he couldn’t, knew Death was gripping him tightly again, as it did every night. Death decides when you wake up, not you… Fear was taking over now, as he began to shake and breathe erratically. Ava began to get distressed as well, she could probably sense his fear. I need to be strong, she needs someone strong to get her to safety.

“Stay away from us!” He suddenly found his voice again and could finally move again, as he broke through the thick wall of fear. He took a few steps backwards to create more space between him and the thing. He heard something crashing to the floor, something metal, and heard a beast bark once. Confusion was taking its toll and panic took over. He couldn’t get his breathing to calm down as his eyes couldn’t decide on what to focus, white eyes or the fire…

“Brian, it’s okay, you can just give her to me and we’ll forget about all of this, alright?”

What?! Did he look like someone who would hand a little girl right over to Death? Did it really think it would be that simple? Brian felt all the fear in him evaporate and being replaced by anger instead.

“No way! I’m supposed to save her! Don’t you understand? I’ll get her safe, no matter what! I will never hand her to a creep like you!”

The next thing he knew, the white eyes were flying towards him and Ava, and he let out a loud yelp of fear as they crashed to the floor. He began to fight back, as if his life depended on it, it really does when you’re fighting Death! But it was never an honest fight. He felt how Ava was snatched out of his arms and felt a kick to his face, he closed his eyes, his head was spinning, he needed to get out, out, out, out. He felt the blood rush through his ears, heard the baby crying, opened his eyes and…

Stared into the particular angry face of AJ McLean. The younger singer had already brought his booted foot up again when Brian held up his hands to protect his face. He noticed AJ hesitating and took his chance to make sense out of chaos.

“AJ?” A good start Brian.

He wasn’t sure who looked more confused, AJ or himself. He felt the younger man’s frown bear down upon him and flinched. His head was throbbing and he couldn’t open his left eye. The confusion was only adding to the headache that was forming behind his eyes. The hell am I?

“What happened? Where am I? What are you doing here?” AJ’s expression would have been hilarious, if you didn’t consider the situation.

“Well, this is still my hotel room…” He sounded indignant, like it made perfect sense that it was his room. The hell did I get here?

“Oh… then what am I doing here?” You really have a way of asking dumb questions, Brian.

“Well, could have fooled me, but it looked like you were trying to steal my daughter.”

Uh, oh. Big trouble. Brian didn’t really know how to respond. He realized what had happened right then, and searched the room for clues that declared the opposite. Cause if it’s true, I did something terrible. He saw Bub standing on the other side of the nursery, hiding behind some wooden furniture. Coward dog. But when he looked at AJ, he saw the man had blood running along his leg. Not so much of a coward after all, are we Bub? The flames were gone, the smoke had disappeared and Brian felt humiliated. The crying baby only made his head hurt more and he flinched.

“Rok, are you okay?” Wow. Just wow. He had expected more yelling from AJ. Deserved to be yelled at the rest of his life. Was he okay? He honestly had no idea.

“I… ummmmm…. I don’t know… I must have…” He fell silent. No, AJ can’t know about this! He had no explanation for the situation. Once more he was looking for a way out. He got up the best he could and semi-walked across the room to retrieve Bub from behind the couch.

“Look AJ, I’m so sorry, I never meant to be here… Bub, come on, let’s go.” He did his best not to panic, it just got harder as the seconds passed by.  Need to get out, out, out, out. Need some fresh air. Yeah, fresh  air is good, he thought when he ran out of the room, vaguely hearing AJ calling out to him.

Brian ran in the dark. He had no idea where he was going. Didn’t really care either. He vaguely noticed the dog running along with him, couldn’t really see him clearly in the dark. It had begun to rain and he was getting soaked. He needed to stop somewhere, get warmed up, but he couldn’t stop. It was as if his legs lived a life of their own, they just kept moving. Panic and fear overwhelmed his mind and he kept running as if he was being chased. Somewhere a sane voice in the back of his mind told him that AJ probably hadn’t been making the effort of going after him, but sanity only had a small spot in his mind at the moment. He was glad that it was 5 am and that the streets were deserted. People must think I’m crazy. But you are crazy, B-Rok…

Hallucinating had never happened to him before. Well, not like this… There was no way he could explain this stunt to AJ. AJ must think I’ve finally lost it. But you have finally lost it, B-Rok.

He was wondering if he actually cared whether he had gone insane or not. After what happened to me, aren’t I allowed to go insane? He wondered what the moment had been when he had lost control of everything, when it had gotten all out of hand. Was it before, or after the accident? He didn’t know, didn’t really wanna know, just needed to get out, out, out.

A loud clap of thunder caused him to abruptly freeze to his spot. Every muscle in his body ached and the blood was still dripping from his eyebrow. He looked around, didn’t have a clue on where the hell he was, and heard Bub squealing behind him. The Labrador was terrified of thunder. Brian used to be too, but I have other things to be terrified of right now. Panting, he put his hands on his knees and hunched over. He really needed to work on his condition… but then again, how long had he been running? Where the hell am I? On his left there was the city, the dark empty alleys he had been running through just moments ago. On his right lay the beach, the ocean, an endless amount of tumult in the storm. The waves crashing in the shore translated his mood perfectly and he found himself being pulled towards the raging sea. When his feet touched the sand, his legs finally gave out and he fell to his knees, screaming at the distressed water.

“Stop it!” The water didn’t react, he didn’t expect it too, he just needed to scream at something.

“What do you want from me? Huh? Do you wanna break me? Well, congrats, it worked. I’m broken! Now leave me alone!”

He wasn’t sure at whom he was screaming. God... Why not God? No, not God. God wouldn’t wanna break him, would he? He sure as hell doesn’t want to help you, either! He felt something deep inside him snap, he was betrayed, betrayed by the one he trusted the most, the one he had given his life to. He felt he had every right to hate God now. But if he hated God, then who could he love? Loving is overrated.

“Why’d you kill them? What did they ever do wrong? What did I ever do wrong? I was happy, why couldn’t you leave me be? You ruined everything! Just give them back! Just let me be happy again! I just want them back… please… just once. Just let me hold my wife again, just once… please, I’d do anything… if only… ” Brian sighed deep. Somewhere along the line the screaming had turned into begging. He had felt numb for months, hadn’t realized how much he actually missed his family, how lonely he was really feeling. In fact, he had never felt more alone as he did that very moment, screaming at the ocean. He kept on yelling until he lost his voice, and then he yelled some more. He heard Bub barking along with him. What does he have to scream for?

The next thing he did, was a thing he was sure he would regret later on. He turned around slowly to face his dog.

“It’s all your fault! Why’d you bite him? You ruined it, Bub! Now what am I gonna do huh?! Get away from me, stupid dog!” He shouldn’t have said that, regretted it the moment the words left his mouth. He was only blowing off steam at his dog, but Bub looked at him bewildered and sprinted away. Great, so much for loyal friend…

“Wait! Come back! I didn’t mean it like that!” Now he had scared the last friend he had left away, he was truly alone. His shoulders slumped and he sagged back in the sand. He didn’t really know how long he sat there…

“Jeezz, we’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Brian jumped in shock when he felt someone close gripping his shoulders. Nicholas, why don’t you leave me alone? Brian didn’t bother to answer the man behind him. Nick moved to stand in front of him.

“The hell happened to your head?”

“AJ’s boot happened.”

“Why?” You certainly wouldn’t know why, would you Nick?

“He had his reasons. Viable reasons, I may add.”

Nick sighed. He didn’t get anywhere this way. “How’d you get here?”

“I ran…”

“You ran?” He heard Nick’s disbelieving tone.

“Yeah, I ran, how’d you find me?”

“AJ came to me after that prank you pulled. We’ve been driving all over town. Then I got a bright thought, I knew you’d be here. You always end up on the beach sooner or later.” He saw Nick smile, but didn’t have it in him to smile back. Exhaustion was an understatement.

“AJ’s with you?”

“Yeah, I had to swear that I’d calm you down first, or he wouldn’t let me talk to you alone. He’s ready to blow your head off, I think.”

“Hmmm.” Brian growled noncommittal.

“He does have a good reason for wanting to kill you, Bri. There’s no explanation for what you said to him back in the hotel room. Remember? You said you wouldn’t hand the baby over to a creep like him. Now that’s a serious threat, Frick! Yeah, I know, AJ told me everything,’’ he said when he saw Brian frowning, “What were you thinking man?”

Brian looked at him for the first time, with fresh tears in his eyes.

“Don’t make me answer that question, Nicky, cause honestly, you don’t wanna know…”

“Just tell me what happened back there, tell me you didn’t really want to steal Ava away. Just tell me that you haven’t gone completely insane after all. AJ thinks you’re on drugs.”

It didn’t sound funny, wasn’t probably meant to be funny, but Brian couldn’t help it but laugh when he realized just how absurd it sounded. Drugs! That would explain almost everything! He could see AJ standing in a few hundred feet from them. Bub was with him, they look like the best of friends again, if it could only be that simple.

“Wait! Where’s Ava? You didn’t leave her alone, did you?”

“No course not! We called Howie! We’re not that stupid!” Nick seemed offended. Brian was just glad he had averted the subject, because no matter how much Nick knew, he could never understand what happened tonight. Hell, I don’t even understand half of it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” He said for the second time that night.

“Don’t tell me, tell AJ!”

“I can’t.”

Nick sighed again. He was looking thoughtful at Brian, wondering what the hell to do with him.

“Just tell me what happened, Brian.”

When Brian didn’t answer, Nick got up, angry.

“Damn it, Frick! I thought we were in this together now!”

“We are. There’s just some things I need to keep for myself…”

“I don’t believe that’s fair…”

“Honestly, I don’t really care whether you believe me or not.” It came out a bit harsh and he saw Nick flinch. There goes another friend. But it was true. To be honest, he didn’t think he cared enough for anything at the moment. He got up as smoothly as he could manage, swayed for a few seconds and then started walking away from Nick, from AJ, from the world, from God.

“Great! AJ was right! We should put you in a mental hospital, after all!” He heard Nick yell at his back.

Brian spun around instantly, anger burning in his eyes.

“You know what? You should! I don’t see why not! Lock me up! Let her die, what do I care! Then maybe y’all can leave me the hell alone!  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” he screamed and turned around again, ready to walk away, when he heard the whispers behind him.

“You go after him…”

“No, you go!”

“I’ve already talked to him, now go!”

“What do I say?”

Brian didn’t understand, why would AJ even want to talk to him? It was not like he had any real explanation to offer.

“Brian, wait up!”

When he turned around he saw AJ approaching and shrunk back. He’d never realized how big and dangerous AJ good be. Stand up, you wuss, and take AJs wrath like a man.

“Jeez, calm down, I just wanna talk!”

“You’re not gonna hit me?”

“I might… after we’ve talked.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“It’s not supposed to.”

Silence. Awkward silence. He felt the tension between them beginning to grow.

“How’s the leg?” He frowned at Bub, who was hiding behind AJ. He’s scared of me now.

“Well, I gotta say, your Bub has a nice set of teeth, not long enough yet to do any serious damage, though.”

“I should get rid of the dog…”

“Don’t make this his fault.”

AJ was right, this wasn’t Bub’s fault, it was his.

“I’m sorry…” He wondered how many more times he had to say those words today.

“Hmm.” AJ sighed. Brian couldn’t even look him in the eyes.

“I’m just having a hard time figuring out what is was that you were doing in my room, with my child.”

“I… I never wanted to be there, I… I don’t know how to explain.”

“Try me!”

“Would you believe me if I said I was dreaming?”

“You mean sleepwalking?”

“Yeah, something like that, but it was so real.” They sat down together in the sand. Am I really gonna do this?

“You’re still having those nightmares, don’t you?”

“They’re getting worse.”

“Maybe you should find help…”

“No!”

“Why not? You creeping into my hotel room in the middle of the night is not a sign of perfect health, Brian!”

“You don’t understand…”

“No, I don’t. But I want to! What are your nightmares about? What is so powerful that makes you sneak into my hotel room, stealing my baby?”

“I need to save her.”

“From what? From me?”

“No, Alex, not from you.”

“Then what, B-Rok? Why does she need to be saved?”

“I have to save her. You don’t understand. It’s the only way!” He got up, panicked, and pressed his palms into his eyes. “I need to get out!”

“You’re not making any sense, Bri! Out of what?”

“Everything! They will stop, they will stop once I saved her. They have to stop, I can’t take them anymore!” AJ leaned back, trying to comprehend what Brian was saying. Brian’s words didn’t make any sense to him, in his eyes, the older man was completely breaking down, at the end of his wit.

“Brian, just calm down alright? We’ll call your doctor tomorrow, okay? I think you need some real therapy.” Brian knew what AJ meant by real therapy. They wanna lock me up!

“No, please AJ, just let me save her, I’ll be fine, just let me save her.” AJ was looking at him in total confusion.

“What? What do you think is gonna happen to her Brian? Nothing!”

“I must save her…”

“Yeah, you keep saying that, but it still doesn’t make any sense. Save her from what?”

“From Death…”

He heard AJ sigh deep beside in front of him. The younger singer was thinking hard, trying to understand.

“You think you have to save her because you couldn’t save Baylee?” Brian looked at him, surprised, hopeful. Could it really be that AJ understood? “You think she’s in danger because Baylee died too?” No…

“It really doesn’t make sense to you, does it?”

“No, it makes sense, somehow…”

“You think I’ve gone crazy?”

“I just think you’ve been too traumatized by what’s happened. Too protective. You think you have to save my daughter because she could die any minute. But you know what, Rok, it’s my daughter. You don’t have to save her, I do. It’s not your responsibility. And she’s not gonna die. That’s ridiculous. She’s not Baylee Brian!” Ow! That hurt! Deeper than Brian had ever thought was possible. Images of a blond, happy child were flashing through his mind, as well as the images of a bloody, suffering blond child. He tried to shut himself off, off of the world, he needed to get out, out, out, out.

“Oh God, Brian I didn’t mean that! I’m so sorry!” He had crashed to his knees and the sobs came from somewhere deep inside him. How is it possible to hurt so much? How is it possible to miss someone so much?He hid his face with his hands and didn’t see the embracing arms AJ had to offer, he could feel them when they closed in on him though. He immediately tensed up when he felt AJ touch him. He didn’t want to be touched, wanted to be left alone, forever. Wanted to dive into the sea and swim away, swim until he drowned. He just wanted to get out, out, out, out. Just wanted to end it all…

“Alex? What are you doing?” he asked AJ instead. Things get serious when I call him Alex, he knows that.

“I don’t know.” He heard AJ mumble. “It always seems to work when Nick does it…”

AJs comment was so dry, that Brian finally found himself able to relax in his arms. What does it matter what AJ thinks of me? As long as he’s not mad at me. As long as he loves me… Exhaustion does funny things with me… He smiled a real smile, a smile like the ones he was able to smile when things had been normal, when things hadn’t been taken over by Death. It had been a time when tree branches were used as toys, to hit each other with, to pretend they were Indiana Jones with a whip, whippin’ it good. It was the time tree branches didn’t get stuck inside your chest and murdered the rest of your family… how he longed back to that time.

“I’m sorry I scared the hell out of you tonight, Alex, I’m sorry Bub bit you… I’m sorry for everything.”

“I forgive you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, cause I know you’d forgive me too. And I kinda already took it out on you by kicking you in the head.”

Brian couldn’t believe the man in front of him. Wow. He smiled again.

“Thank you, Alex.”

He knew that no matter how much Nick and AJ had looked up to him in the past 20 years, tonight AJ McLean was his hero.

***

Next

Back to index