Brian
He had been happy for too
long. It was the only explanation he could think of that made any sense. Or it was a test. No, he couldn’t
think that way yet. It was something he’d have to deal with later. The only
thing he could think of was that he had been happy for too long and that no one
could be that happy without something going wrong. It made sense, the longer
you were happy with someone, the more you could share together, the more you
would eventually lose. He had been warned. He was always getting warned. God
was punishing him and he was punishing him badly. I deserve this, I could have saved so many.
“Cover your lies with stories and smiles, walk away
You’re scared what to find, so you just run and
hide, you run away.”
He didn’t deserve their
help, their pity. His mind was a fog, he didn’t even notice it when Nick ran
out. He knew he should stop crying. He couldn’t afford it to let his sadness,
his pain show. It made them want to comfort him and he didn’t deserve comfort. He’d let his guard
slip again. They must have thought he was getting insane. Maybe I am, maybe I’ve always been. But
by the time he realized Nick was gone, he had already made up his mind. He
wasn’t gonna let his sorrow show, he wasn’t gonna let them know how much he
hurt. He wouldn’t do that to them, that wasn’t fair. They didn’t deserve to
have to be involved in this nightmare. He wasn’t gonna let them go down with
him, he wasn’t gonna make them suffer like that. He was gonna be
punished. He deserved nothing better. He deserved all the punishment God and
everybody else was able to put upon him. He’d help them if he could.
Right now he was only tired
and in pain. Pain. Pain was
a good start. He deserved pain. He decided that pain would be his friend, his
lonely companion, from now on. He deserved to be hurting just as much as all
those people had done, night after night. Some he knew, some he didn’t. There
was only one bad thing he felt he didn’t deserve. The nightmares. He could
remember Nick telling him about Leslie’s death. That had been one of the
strangest conversations Nick had probably ever had.
“She’s dead, Brian!’’
“What, who’s dead?”
“My little sister, she’s dead!”
“My God…”
“What do I do now?”
“It’s gonna be alright, Nicky.”
“No, it’s not! I should have been there!”
“You couldn’t have stopped her from taking the
overdose, Nick.”
“I could have tried!”
“No way.”
“Wait, I didn’t tell you she died on an overdose.”
If Nick hadn’t been so
upset, Brian would have been in big trouble then. Nick didn’t actually notice
his slip, just assumed, as Brian told him, that it had been a lucky guess. It
had been a matter of time before Les would do something drastic, Brian knew
that, and he was sure, that deep down, Nick had known that as well. Brian had
done his best to comfort Nick, but it didn’t really work. It was partly because
Brian didn’t dare to look Nick in the eyes, he would see the same sorrow he saw
in everyone’s eyes every night, he couldn’t stand to see it in daytime too.
Whenever asked, Nick would say that he was fine, that he was dealing with it
and that they didn’t need to worry. He had drowned himself in their work,
hurrying the NKOTBSB tour up like never before and he seemed to be handling her
death pretty well. But it were those lonely nights in a hotel when Nick looked
like a lost puppy in this big mean world. Those were the nights Brian would sit
with him and do what he did best, keeping his little brother company. It were
those nights that Nick didn’t mind spilling his heart out before Brian. Their
bond was one of complete trust, of faith. Brian knew that the youngest
Backstreet Boy saw him as his example, his hero, his protector. Nick thought
that if he told Brian what was bothering him, Brian would make it all
better. How naïve. Brian had
never been able to help anyone when it was really necessary. But it would have
to do.
“I miss her Brian. How could she do this?”
“I’m sure she’s happy now, Frack.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
Brian hadn’t given him a
further explanation and Nick seemed to be content with the one he got. Brian
had taught him everything he knew about everything. He had taught him about
basketball, about girls (though he wasn’t that experienced himself) about
puberty and about faith. Although he noticed Nick had always been a bit sceptical about the whole GOD concept, he had always
listened very carefully when Brian told him about it. He seemed to be taking
comfort out of Brian’s words, to be able to make sense out of a senseless
death.
There had been one time
though when Nick had been out of his mind, completely wasted. It had been
exactly three months after the tragedy and Nick had shut him out. He had been
mad at him, yelling that he didn’t understand. Nick probably didn’t remember
the conversation, for he had been more drunk than Brian had ever seen AJ be.
But Brian remembered.
“Goddamnit!”
“Nick!”
“Oh no, I am not gonna apologize. Forget it. It’s
not worth it!”
“Just calm down man.”
“No, you don’t get to tell me what to do. You don’t
know what it feels like!”
“What?”
“You don’t know what it feels like to lose someone
so close to you. You don’t know what it’s like to see someone die, to stare
into dead eyes.”
Nick couldn’t have been
more wrong, but Brian wasn’t ready to tell him that. The only thing he ever saw
at night was death. Had been seeing it for 32 years. Nick wasn’t supposed to
know. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. Brian was glad it happened to him and
not to his little brother.
“It’s all my fault, she’s dead because of me!”
“Nick, that’s not true.”
Brian knew it wasn’t
Nick’s fault, the only thing was that Nick seemed to be convinced it was. The
reason behind his guilt was simple, Leslie’s hadn’t been able to handle the
fame, and she was famous because of Nick. Sure, it made sense, but it wasn’t
true. Leslie had never been a really stable person, there was nothing Nick
could have done to stop it. Brian couldn’t stand to see his friend like this,
so he did the only thing he could think of back then: he took the blame off of
Nick’s shoulders.
“Why did she die, Brian?”
“I don’t know Frack. But I do know that there was
nothing you could have done. It was going to happen anyways, regardless of
whether you tried to stop it.”
“How come you’re always so sure about these
things?”
He could have told Nick right then and there. He
could have told him everything. He didn’t. It was his secret, his burden and he
had to carry it alone. Besides, he was afraid how Nick would react, was afraid
he’d wanted to have nothing to do with him anymore, afraid he’d call him
a freak. It was funny actually, how they had always called AJ a
freak. Brian had done it too, just to divert attention away from the realfreak. It hadn’t been really fair, but AJ didn’t
seem to be bothered.
“It doesn’t matter whether you’re sure about
things, Nicky, it matters that you believe them. I believe God took Leslie away
because he needed to, because it was her time to go, and nothingcould have changed that.”
“Right.”
“Right.”
“Brian?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
Nick had given him a hug.
It was the first real, heartfelt hug they had shared in years. Brian didn’t
think he deserved that.
“If you play with a gun, then you will shoot
someone,
When you sit in the fire it’s your ass getting
warm, walk away”
Brian looked around in the
small hospital room. ICU’s were always so depressing, though he’d hate it more
if there had been bright, cheerful colours on the
walls. He had sent his parents away, he had sent everyone away. He didn’t need
company, didn’t deserve company. He felt tired, but was afraid to go to sleep
again. The nightmare he had before had been a bad one, had scared the hell out
of him. He didn’t want to sleep, didn’t want to dream. So he lay awake,
pretended to sleep whenever someone, usually a nurse, came into the room. They
didn’t have the heart to wake him up. He could feel the pain gradually
increasing, but he didn’t mind. He had welcomed the pain with open arms, as an
old friend. It took his mind off of the depressing thoughts that ran through
his mind.
He had actually given into
sleep again when the door opened and AJ stepped in.
“Oh my God, Rok!”
Oh, McLean, you’re always so thoughtful. Brian didn’t open his eyes. It wasn’t that
he didn’t want AJ to be there, well actually, it was, but it was mainly because
he didn’t want AJ to see the amount of pain he was in. Where it had been
tolerable before, now it was growing to be excruciating. His ribs seemed to be
screaming at him to do something, to make the pain stop. Though he had his eyes
closed, he could sense AJ was still in the room. Why won’t you just leave, I can’t have you here now. The
younger Backstreet Boy didn’t seem in a hurry, though. Either that or he
noticed Brian’s irregular breathing.
“B-Rok? They told me you
woke up.”
He opened his eyes, the
room was spinning. This is great. He
felt his eyes roll back and AJ’s strong arms upon him. Where did all this pain
come from? You’ve been in an
accident, moron! He struggled to get himself back in control, to force
the pain aside. It wasn’t easy. He barely noticed someone plunging a needle
into his arm. AJ was screaming something into his face, but Brian couldn’t make
the words out. He didn’t understand, the pain had been his friend, how could it
do this to him? Why couldn’t everyone just leave him the hell alone?
Whatever the nurse, he
supposed it had been the nurse, surely it couldn’t have been AJ, had injected
him with, it was working fast. He could feel himself free-falling into
oblivion, into a dreamless sleep. He didn’t want to wake up from it. It was the
only place he could be happy again.
***
