Part 12:
I Failed
Laura slid the contents of the wallet out item
by item, laying them out on the sofa next to her. There was Nick’s driver’s license, giving a
Florida address, accompanied by a mug shot-like photo of him that made her
laugh. Next there was a Visa, MasterCard,
and American Express card. Opening the
billfold, Laura pulled out two one hundred-dollar bills and a wad of one dollar
bills, along with four quarters and a few nickels. There weren’t any pictures in the wallet or
mushy, sentimental things like a lock of child’s hair or a love letter tucked
away for safekeeping, but there was a tattered, worn-looking “In Case of
Emergency Call “card that she pulled from one of the slots.
Most of the lines on the card, like the ones
for hospital, doctor, and medications taken, were left blank. But in the top field where it had the “Who To
Contact In Case Of Emergency” info, the name Brian Littrell was scratched
sloppily in a blue ink. There was also a
phone number that had been scribbled out and replaced a few times, a cell phone
number, and a home address in Florida that had also been scratched out.
Reaching for the phone, Laura dialed the
number before she had a chance to talk herself out of it. Taking a deep breath, she held it through six
rings before a voice finally came on the other end of the line.
“Hello.”
“Um... is this Brian-” Laura fumbled for the
card on the couch. “-Brian Littrell?”
“Hang on.”
Brian held the phone away from his ear as he spoke. “No, babe, let’s just eat in tonight, maybe
get some pizza or something… okay, but let’s just get pepperoni, none of that
artichoke, sun-dried tomato garbage that you like to wreck a good pizza with!”
He laughed as he spoke, and Laura could hear a
woman in the background say, “How about pepperoni and anchovies?” before
bursting out into a fit of giggles. It
made Laura smile.
“Ugh, you do that, and we are getting a
divorce, Mrs. Littrell!” Brian laughed before turning his attention back to he
phone. “Okay, sorry, I’m back.”
“Oh, okay.”
Laura stood up and began to pace the room. “Well, is this Brian
Littrell?”
“The one and only,” he said with a smile in
his voice.
“I’m looking for a woman named Kara, and I was
hoping you could help me.” Laura twisted
her hair nervously around her index finger as she spoke.
“Kara?”
Brian blew Leighanne a kiss as she ordered the pizza, wincing when he
heard her say the words “artichokes and sun-dried tomatoes” into the receiver.
“Yes, Kara.”
“I don’t know anybody named Kara. Hey, babe?”
He motioned for Leighanne to look up.
“Babe, do we know anybody named Kara?” Leighanne shook her head as she finished
ordering some bread sticks and a couple of two liter bottles of Coke. “Sorry, but we don’t know anybody named Kara…
Who did you say this was again?”
“I didn’t; my name is Laura.”
“May I ask where you got my phone number from,
Miss-?”
“Laura,” Laura replied again, clearing her
throat. “You can call me Laura.” She
paused, intimidated by the way his voice had gone from playful to official in
the span of a sentence. “Well, I have
this friend….”
“Look, Laura, I don’t mean to sound cruel, but
this is my home, and I would rather not mix my professional life and my home
life.” Leighanne walked through the
kitchen towards the French doors that lead to the backyard, rolling her
eyes. Another fan who had gotten a hold
of their personal phone number, calling for a favor.
“Huh?” Laura stopped, leaning in the kitchen
doorway.
“Huh?”
Brian was suddenly confused as well.
“Well, I was going to say that I have this
friend, and he is dying.” She rushed the
words out so that he couldn’t interrupt her again. “And I feel sad that nobody is here for
him. He keeps talking about somebody
named Kara, and when I found your number in his wallet, I was hoping…”
“Nick,” Brian whispered the name, cutting
Laura off mid-sentence.
“Yes, how did you….?”
“Where is he?
I’ve been trying to find that little bastard for days. Tell me where he is right now.” The forcefulness of Brian’s voice startled
Laura, and she found herself quickly rattling off the address to The Hospice
House twice.
“How the hell long has he been there, and why
wasn’t I contacted sooner?” Brian
scribbled the information down on a pad of paper before walking through the
kitchen and up the stairs in the direction of the bedroom.
“He said that he didn’t have any family or
friends. I stole his wallet because I
felt bad, and I thought maybe I could find the name of someone to call. You’re not going to tell on me, are you? I could get in so much trouble.”
“Is he in the hospital?” Brian threw open his closet doors, pulling
out his overnight bag.
“No, he’s in a hospice.”
At the sound of the word “hospice,” Brian
froze, dropping the bag to the ground.
The word hospice sounded so final.
It felt like a punch to his gut to think of Nick in such a place, all
alone and cut off from the world.
“I’m taking the earliest flight out of
here. Give me your phone number. I will be in touch when I get into town.”
***
Brian tossed a few essentials into his
bag. Taking the stairs two at a time, he
dropped his bags in the kitchen and walked out onto the deck, calling down to
Leighanne, who was playing on the lawn with the dogs.
“I have to go.
Nick needs me,” he shouted.
Leighanne turned, eyes wide, one armed cocked
in mid-air to throw a ball to the dogs.
“How much longer?” She dropped
the ball and walked across the lawn to Brian, a serious look on her face.
“Not much.”
Grabbing his face into her hands, she planted
a gentle kiss on his lips. “Go to him.”
***
Brian called ahead to the airport from the
car, booking the earliest flight out of Atlanta. The ticket agent urged him to think about
taking the next flight out, since he would be cutting it close trying to board
the earlier flight, but he insisted, barely making it as he ran up to the gates
just as they were announcing the final boarding call.
Sliding into his seat in first class, he
looked out the window, remembering the last time he and Nick had been on a
plane together after going to visit Kevin.
“You know what I’m going to miss the
most? I’m really gonna miss you and me
together. You’re the only person in my
whole life that I have ever been able to be myself around, and I wanted you to
know I’m gonna miss it… I’m gonna miss us.”
Digging his fists into his eyes, Brian let his
head drop back against the seat and wondered.
He wondered why sometimes things were so fucked up that death could
snuff out the life of a twenty-three-year-old kid, a kid whose candle burned so
brightly, you couldn’t resist standing close enough to the flame to get burned.
As the flight attendants came into the aisles
and the pilot’s voice could be heard in a soft mumble over the speakers, Brian
sighed, closing his eyes and letting the tears flow freely down his face.
The time had come to say goodbye.
***
Laura watched the numbers on the clock tick
by, tossing and turning Nick’s wallet on the pillow beside her, the phone
clutched tightly in her hand. When the
phone rang, it made her jump as she pushed the ‘on’ button.
“Yes.”
“My flight lands in about an hour. Can you pick me up at the airport?”
“I’ll be there.”
Brian gave Laura the flight number and then
hung up. Climbing out of bed, she found
herself rushing around like a crazy woman, pulling on a pair of Levis and a
sweater, forgoing her hair and makeup as she grabbed her keys, slipped on a
pair of clogs, and headed for her car.
It was almost 2:00 a.m. when she pulled the
car into the airport parking lot and made her way inside. It seemed so strange to be walking down the
nearly deserted terminal littered with a few maintenance workers mopping and
vacuuming and some straggling, bleary-eyed passengers that walked quietly in
the direction of the baggage carousel.
Finding Brian’s flight number on one of the
overhead screens, she continued walking until she found the lounge for his
flight and sunk down into one of the chairs, legs stretched out in front of
her, arms folded over her chest as she drifted into a light, uncomfortable
sleep.
***
“Hey.”
Laura squinted through her eyelashes as
someone lightly nudged her legs with the toe of his shoes.
“Hey, wake up.”
Again with the nudging, she thought, a hand going to her neck where a wicked kink had
formed.
“I’m guessing you are Laura.”
Sitting all the way up, Laura’s eyes opened a
little wider as she yawned. “And you
must be Brian Littrell.”
Laura and Brian walked back towards her car,
neither one really talking. She kept stealing
glances at him as they walked. She could
tell he had been crying, and the look on his face spoke of sadness and loss.
“I’m really sorry about Nick.” She chose her words carefully as they exited
the airport and headed for the parking lot.
“He’s a great guy.”
Brian just nodded.
“Have you known him a long time?”
“Since he was a kid.” Brian spoke to the ground, clearing his
throat as the two climbed in the car and slammed the doors. “So did Nick ever mention me?” Brian stuffed his bag down by his feet and
reached for his seatbelt.
“Nope, the only person he has ever talked
about is Kara. I really wish we could
find her for him because she obviously means a lot to him,” Laura said, pushing
the key into the ignition. “But he
wouldn’t let me call her. He said she
would know when it was time, and she would be there. But that doesn’t make any sense to me. How can someone just know when it is time for
somebody else to die?”
Brian sat back, feeling sick to his stomach
even discussing the subject of Nick’s dying with some stranger.
“Is there anybody else you know that would
know where to find Kara?” Laura jerked the car into reverse, flipping on the
radio and turning it low.
“Nick’s never mentioned a girl named Kara to
me, ever. The last girlfriend he had was
named Tiffany, or Cassidy or Whitney or something like that, and that was like
a year ago. There hasn’t been anybody
serious since.” Brian tried to fight the
irritation in his voice as he answered her.
“You’re mad that he wasn’t asking for you?”
Laura asked, staring straight ahead as she drove.
“Yeah, I guess I’m a little mad, but it’s not
just that. It’s always been my job to
take care of him.” Brian traced
imaginary patterns on the window as he spoke.
“And I failed.”
***
