Chapter
13:
Reflections and Simple Gifts
It was nice getting away from all things Backstreet for a week and I was
looking forward to just being able to get this single off the ground. The night
before I left for New York after having dinner with Howie, J and Brian I went
back to the hotel and reflected on the things we talked about. I have been very
reflective lately. All I seem to do anymore is over analyze everything. One of
the things that stuck out in my mind, besides J's maniac, was the fact that all
of the conversations we had that night had to do with Sarah. If she wasn't
there, I think we might have just found ourselves sitting in complete silence.
This saddened me. There were many instances in our career when we could stay up
and talk for hours at a time. Brian and I being the most notorious for doing
that.
I remember fondly one night maybe
three years ago, the eve of our Sunday appearance on TRL. We had done Saturday
Night Live that night and went to the cast party which kept us out until at
least Three in the morning. Knowing we had to be at MTV by 8:30 that day, Brian
and I decided to just stay up all night and talk.
"So Bri,what if they hate
it" I asked him in the middle of us playing our third round of UNO.
"Hate what?"
"Millennium, what if they hate it?"
"Do you hate it Nick?"
"God, no how can you even ask me that?"
"Well, if you are happy with it and feel like you have done the best job
possible, who cares what everyone else thinks?" I was so impressed with
his thinking. He was right.
"I just don't want to be a failure Bri, I want people to like me" I
remember Brian stopping dead in his tracks, getting up, coming over to me and
putting his arm around my shoulder. "You are much to young to worry about
such silly things. Look around Nick. You are 19 years old, in an incredibly successful
group, you've got plenty of money and every opportunity at your feet. I never
want to hear you call yourself a failure. Do you understand me?" He
grabbed my face in his hands to bring the point home. Then he repeated himself
again. 'Do you understand me? if it all goes away tomorrow, you have been an
incredible success and I am proud of you. Okay?" he made me feel so good
when he said that. "I love you Bri, you know that?" "Yeah Nick I
know, now I hate
to burst your bubble but you have one card left and you forgot to say
UNO!"
Just thinking about that conversation made me smile. It also mad me sad. I
hadn't realized how much I missed his friendship until that moment. It felt
wrong that I should be having such a pivotal thing happen to me without him or
any of the other guys here to share it with me. I was so nervous. I was having
the same doubts as I was about Millennium; yet this time I only had to
comfort myself. I picked up the phone and dialed Brian's number, unfortunately,
I got an answering machine.
"Howdy Y'all know the drill leave
us a message and if we like ya we'll get back to ya!" BEEP!
"Um..hi Brian, it's me Nick, look
I was uh just uh calling to um say thanks for dinner again and it was nice
spending time with you. I miss that. Um okay I guess that's all. Bye"
God could I sound anymore pathetic?
Jesus Christ, all I forgot to say was I think you're really nice. I'm such a
friggin loser!!!
Brian and I have always had such a strange relationship. Nobody thought it was
normal for a thirteen year old boy to click so naturally with an eighteen year
old teenager. Kevin would tell us how abnormal it was but we never cared. One
of the things that drew me to Brian in the first place was his willingness to
treat me like an equal. In Brian's eyes I was never a little
kid, I was always a friend. It was Brian who first referred to me as his little
brother. "You know Nick, I have always been the youngest of my family.
Including all of my cousins and everything, I think it's great that I finally
have someone that can look up to me" I looked away from my Nintendo long
enough to laugh at him. "Why are you laughing at me?" "Because,
I'm taller
than you now." Brian looked baffled about that statement and didn't get
what that had to do with anything before letting his eyes tell me that he had
finally gotten the joke. "Very funny, you're a regular comedian! Now let
me play it's my turn." The rest of that night we just played games and
fooled around but I had kept those words he said to me and carried them in my
heart
even during the roughest of days. I still look up to you Brian....After
muttering those words under my breath I turned out the light and got ready for
my big solo week.
******************************************************************************
The radio tour started in New York City where I did a little interview followed
by the first ever premiere of my song. I got very emotional and giddy. I
laughed throughout the whole song scaring the hell out of the DJ's I'm sure. I
was happy when I mostly got positive feedback from everyone. I then moved on to
Boston, Chicago, and Florida, before returning to the West coast. my family
called me and so did most of my friends congratulating me on the single. I was
euphoric! bet you didn't know I knew that word right? Well, I was. I couldn't
believe what seemed so long in the making was finally here. My happy thoughts
took a turn once we got to our last stop of the mini tour. Kiss FM in Los
Angeles. It started out the same as all the others. Lot's of
friendly banter with the DJ's and a quick explanation of the song and album.
When it came time for questions from the fans, things started to go wrong for
me.
All questions shifted focus from my song to the Backstreet Boys, more
specifically, my relationship with them. They asked about the rumors about
Brian and I not getting along and the boys wanting me out of the band. The DJ's
really didn't help any because when they saw my fidgeting they realized they
hit a gold mine. They kept pressing me about whether or not the boys were
supportive of me and if they had even heard my single. they then made it a
point of saying that the Nsyncers were extremely supportive of Justin. I knew
there was only a matter of time before that happened. I wanted to shout NO! they
hate me and couldn't care less that I am doing this as a matter of fact I think
nothing would make them happier than to see me fail!!! What came out of my
mouth wasn't much better though. "Actually they haven't heard any of the
songs on the album because it's not their type of thing. I can't worry about
how they feel. this is for me not them." As I said that I actually heard
Trish, gasp. Oops, I made a boo boo. Jesus like they heard it anyway. I'm sure
they're not even listening you know because that would be supportive and God
forbid we are supportive! On our way out of the studio, I was handed a package.
It wasn't until I opened it that I realized the Mizpah lady had made another
visit. I opened the package and out came a letter. Same old stuff. Written in
gibberish again with a little more text revealed:
frjgfvgdrgdfcjz;sdfjerigffjvnxlcvgndfgjdogijer;dogDSlkvmlkpovidzjr;oiajv;oreijveirjfoeirjf;oeijigjerofvfsdvkds;ofdjo;girdsjf;osifslkfmdvijoij;ogirelgkmj;ovijd;gkmerglrejg;osirj;odrijerlgjerdesfhvnfsijvrdfrejgepodwpefbhjtvkspckwprerrhepsaodwc,rgjeogvwjwjfc,That
which is hard makes us stronger. It won't be long now which is too bad because
I've enjoyed watching you squirm and wonder what is next well, life is going to
get more interesting for you my young friend. I hope you can handle it. I
always get what I want and I want you!
Mizpah, Nick
p.s. Genesis has always been my favorite!
The Genesis reference made me instantly realize that I was right about that
weird phone call I got when "Take me Home" played in the background.
I knew it was all related. But how and why?
"Who was that from?" I
looked up and saw both Trish and Joe staring at me. I decided to keep quiet
about the letters from now on. There's no point in working everyone up about it
and that's probably what she wants. So I lied.
"Oh just a fan" I then put
the letter back in the package and but it in my bookbag.
******************************************************************************
I ran up to my hotel room and quickly took the package out of my bag to see
what else was in there besides the note. After rereading the letter, I emptied
the remaining "presents" out on my bed. To my surprise I unwrapped my
gift from the newspaper wrap to see a beautiful spiral bound journal. It was
made of crushed red velvet and was just gorgeous. At least the crazy person has
good taste! I opened it up to see if anything was written inside but nothing
was there. I put the wrapping paper aside to examine it later and grabbed the
other present. It was also wrapped in newspaper. I opened it up and saw that it
was a photobook. One of those cheap ones you would find at a dollar store. It
had enough plastic in there to hold about sixteen pictures and everyone was
full. There were pictures of the group from 1998. Most of the pictures were
real photos but a few of them were cut out of magazines. Angels and devils
lined each picture as some kind of crazy frame. My head was circled in every
single picture. The very last picture got my attention. It was of Brian and I
sitting on the deck of a boat. He had his arm around me and we were both
smiling. We looked so happy in that picture. Under that one, the words one from
another were written in red ink.
"I'm not afraid of you you know!
If you want me so bad why don't you just come and get me you sick
bitch!" I yelled to my empty room.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Jesus Christ I was only kidding please
don't kill me. I said as the shock of the knocking on the door made me fall of
my bed.
"Nick are you in there it's Kev
let me in please!" hearing Kevin's voice knocked me back to reality and I
quickly gathered all of my stalkers gifts back in to their original package and
put them in my top drawer of my dresser along with the other things I had
collected from the Mizpah lady. "Hey Nick I heard you, open the damn door
now!" Once I made sure everything was put away, I ran over to let Kev into
my room.
***
