Not a Pretty Girl
By Amy
The strumming and quiet
singing had woken him and as he reached the front of the bus he realised it was
his daughter, not wanting to disturb her he stood out of sight and listened to
the words she sang as she strummed his guitar.
“I am not a pretty
girl
That is not what I
do
I ain’t no damsel
in distress
And I don’t need
to be rescued”
The bus stopped
suddenly and he was flung forward and spotted.
“Don’t you know
it’s rude to eaves drop?” She spoke and she laid the guitar beside her and shut
her note book before he could get a look at that.
“Well you don’t
seem to want to talk me so I thought maybe what you’re working on would give me
a clue to what you are feeling.” He sighed as he sat beside her hoping maybe
this would be the talk that he needed to understand why she had shown up three
days ago unannounced. The tabloids had given him some insight but he wanted to
know from her and currently she was hardly talking to him. It looked as though
this was not going to be the heart to heart he had hoped for as she picked up
her lime green notebook and headed back to her bunk on the bus without a word
or glance back to his direction.
He sat in the dim
light for a few minutes before picking up the paper on the table.
He was taken back
twenty years looking at the picture that graced the front, a picture of women
he knew and once loved stared back at him, only there were two of her but it
wasn’t her at all it was his twin daughters Lexa and
Lola Hilton-Carter. There were a million pictures of their mother this way,
drunk outside one of the hottest clubs in town and it seemed history was
repeating itself. Only he knew on the inside this was not who Lola was Lexa maybe, definitely not Lola and it was the backlash
from the media that was getting to her.
………………………………………………………
“Lola lollipop you
not gona get up here and sing?” A.J hollered through
the mike sending his voice around the vast area. She shook her head no without
looking up concentrating on what she was writing in her note book. Her Blonde
hair pulled up into a scruffy ponytail she looked tiny in the green hoody she wore. Her pink converse covered feet were propped
up on the chair in front of her. She looked a lot different from the pictures
that filled the various tabloids. This was the real Lola, the funny kind
hearted and honest Lola, not the party loving, short skirt wearing Lola that
had taken over for a while. But at the moment she seemed like neither of these
she wasn’t herself and that was something that bothered Nick. She had always
been close to A.J and saying no to him had to mean there was something
bothering her.
“My Girl Lollipop
You make my heart
go giddy up” Not one that liked the word no A.J started singing his theme that
he had for Lola as he moved down the stairs at the side of the stage to get closer
to her.
“Woah oah
My girl lollipop
I love you I love
you I love you so
But I don’t want
you to no
I need you I need
you I need you so
And ill never let
you go” He continued singing as he walked down the vast isle to get to her as
she had conveniently placed herself in the centre of the arena. She still
refused to look up and didn’t realise A.J was at the end of her isle until he
was nearing the end of the song.
“My girl lollipop
You make my heart
go giddy up
You set the world
on fire
You are my one
desire
Ohh my lollipop.”
“So what do you
say? I need a partner for the next one and your Dad well… he has seen better
days” He whispered into the microphone.
“GOD A.J I SAID
NO. CAN’T EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR FUCKING FIVE MINUTES” A.J recoiled
at the explosion that had just been let off. Her outburst was caught by the
mike and reverberated around the arena causing Nick and Kevin to turn and see
Lola storm out of the arena backpack in hand.
Nick followed suit
and left the arena after apologising to A.J.
He strode out of the arena and towards the tour bus where he knew she
would be. As he neared the bus he heard the familiar sounds blasting from the
speakers.
Crawling in my
skin
These wounds they
will not heal
Fear is fall
Confusing what is
real.
As he entered she
was sat at the front of the bus reading. She didn’t even look up when he
snapped the stereo off. Minutes passed and she continued reading she jumped as
he swiped the book from her hand and it smacked against the window, but she
still did not look up to meet his eyes. She knew he would be pissed and that
was the reaction she was going for. Everyone else seemed to hate her at the
moment why should he be any different?
“Do you want to
explain to me what the hell happened in there LOLA?” Hearing him ask calmly
then shout her name and her real name, not the nickname he had for her, made
her realise she was in deep shit and he wouldn’t let her walk away this time.
She usually knew how to play her Dad but he always called her when she went too
far and this was definitely one of those times. She turned to look at him. His
face was red and scrunched in frustration, his eyes were a deep shade of blue
that showed his anger but also how upset he was and she knew that she had caused
that.
“I’m … I’m sor…”
“Don’t you dare
think that saying sorry is going to get you out of this young lady. I have had
it with you, you show up three days ago and you have been in a pissy mood ever
since and every time I try and talk to you either make some excuse or ignore
me. Well I am telling you know you are not going anywhere till you explain
yourself.” He glared at her as he sat down on the opposite couch.
…………………………………………………….
“That’s great
buddy, I’m sorry I missed it but I promise I’ll be at your next game ok?” Nick
listened to the babble of his seven year old son Charlie as he sat in the green
room before the show. The talk with Lola had not gone well; they had ended up
screaming at each other when she tried to tell him that nothing was wrong. He
had exploded at that point and since then she had been avoiding him but tonight
she would have no choice, they were travelling to the next city and that meant
an over night bus ride.
“Edie I just don’t
know what to do. She won’t listen to me, she won’t talk to me.” Nick sighed
into his cell phone as he now talked to his wife.
“Baby I don’t know
what to say. I’ve never known her to act this way. Have you talked to Paris
about her?”
“Well I would of
if I could get hold of her. She is in Milan with Lexa
and I can’t get hold of either of them. Look baby I need to go nearly
Showtime.”
“Okay well have a
good show and don’t worry we will sort this okay? I love you.”
“I love you to.”
……………………………………………………………..
Another late night,
another bus ride, another city, another tour. He was sleeping and this was her
chance again to put her anger, no her feelings into words the only way she
really knew how.
“So put me down
punk
Wouldn’t you
prefer a maid in fear?
Isn’t there a
kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.” This was not a song she could sing quietly
and she realised that she was being rather loud so she stopped and listened for
any movement at the back of the bus. She heard none so she continued.
“I am not an angry
girl
But it seems like
a got everyone fooled
Every time I say
something they find hard to hear
They chalk it up
to my anger
And never there
own fear”
He had been stood
there for nearly ten minutes listening to the song she was working on. He had
always known her voice was good but he had never realised her writing ability
was this good. Her guitar playing could be improved but she hadn’t been
learning for long and he knew her one passion was the drums just like her
Dad’s. She looked angry; no she was more than angry she was pissed. It was a
funny image considering the tinker bell pyjamas and purple fluffy slippers she
was wearing.
The sneeze gave
him away and she quickly stopped playing snapping her head in his direction.
“You know it’s
rude to eaves drop.”
A.J gave up his
space and walked into the lounge area of the bus. He had spoken to Nick after
the show and had convinced him to let Lola ride with him hoping she might find
it easier to speak to him about what was bothering her. He sat down next to
her.
“Continue” He
asked.
“How about no” She
said as she got up to fix herself a drink.
“Why not? I hate
only hearing half a song.” He said picking up the guitar handing it to her. She
looked at it but did not grasp it.
“Cause its personal
and crap.” She sighed as she sat opposite him.
“Didn’t sound crap
to me. Maybe if you sing the rest we wont have to have a conversation about how
you are feeling because I think from what I heard that maybe this song is about
that.” He knew he had hit something as he saw the tears form in her eyes.
“I feel like I am
constantly being criticised for what I do. I can never win. I try to be myself
and I am ridiculed for not being as cool as Lexa, I
go and party with Lexa and I get accused of being a drunken
whore. I can’t fucking win. I hate that I have to live my life in a goldfish
bowl.” She wiped the tears from her eyes as she spoke.
“What do you want
to do Lola? Who do you want to be?”
“That’s the whole
point A.J I don’t know who I am and I am sick of people trying to put a label
on me. I’m sick of being known as Paris Hilton and Nick Carter’s daughter. I am
sick of being compared to my mom “oh doesn’t she look like Paris” I just wanna
be left alone.” She hid her face in her hands and her shoulders began to shake
as a small sob escaped her lips.
……………………………………………………………………………..
She looked back at
the reflection in the mirror. Black and
purple hair stared back from under the white Von Dutch hat she wore, she stuck
out her tongue and the pink diamante shone back and her acrylic nails had been
removed. She still didn’t feel happy but she felt better at the person staring
back at her. After her talk with A.J she had spoken to her Dad and after that
talk she had decided that she needed to change and do things to find out who
she was.
That was where the
make over had come in. But this hadn’t been the kind of make over her Mother
had organized when she decided to turn into “Party Lola”. No professionals had
been involved, well apart from the body piercer.
Kristen had dyed her hair and they had fun cutting off the false nails. She
continued to look at herself in the mirror glancing down she took in the purple
baby T that read “PAPARAZZI SUCK, THROW ROCKS @ THEM!!” that bought a smile to
her face. Then another thought crossed her mind which made her smile larger,
her Mom was going to freak!
She walked into
the arena and glanced around, scanning for any people. Everything had been set
up earlier and there was no one around so she picked up the acoustic guitar and
began to strum.
“I am not a pretty
girl
That is not what I
do
I ain’t no damsel
in distress
And I don’t need
to be rescued”
“So put me down
punk
Wouldn’t you
prefer a maid in fear?
Isn’t there a
kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.”
“Imagine you’re a
girl
Just trying to
finally come clean
Knowing full well
they’d prefer you were dirty
And smiling”
He had been sat
thinking about their conversation just behind the stage as he warmed up for
sound check when he heard someone start to strum a guitar. He heard her sing
but couldn’t quite make out the words as there was no mike to capture her
voice. He edged closer towards the side of the stage and was able to hear more
clearly.
She was sat on the
edge of the stage legs dangling over the edge, eyes closed and she strummed and
sang the words. There was an edge, an angry edge to her voice which showed how
passionate she was about what she was singing.
“And I am sorry
But I am not a
maid in fear
And I am not a
kitten stuck up a tree somewhere”
“And generally my
generation
Wouldn’t be caught
dead working for the man
And generally I
agree with them
Trouble is you
gotta have yourself an alternate plan”
“And I have earned
my disillusionment
And I have been
working all of my life
And I am a patriot
And I have been
fighting the good fight”
“And what if there
are no damsels in distress?
What if I knew
that and I called your bluff?
Don’t you think
every kitten figure out how to get down?
Whether or not you
ever show up”
“I am not a pretty
girl
Don’t really wanna
be a pretty girl
I wanna be more
than a pretty girl.”
He realised then
that she wasn’t like her mother or her sister. She didn’t want to be seen as a
just a pretty face. She wanted to be listened to and valued for what she said
and he realised that hadn’t been happening. She had tried so hard to be what
she was told she should be by everyone else that she had forgotten who she was
and he understood she needed his help to find herself again.
Ani DiFranco – “Not a Pretty Girl”
