Not So Bad

 

By Kaz Falcon

 

 

Webmistress’ Note: This story was written for Bianca’s “So Far Away” fanfic challenge over at The Backstreet Market.  The story had to have Brian as a main character, use the lyrics to “So Far Away” by Staind, contain a snow globe, and have the emotion of sadness or loneliness.

 

 

Three words. Three… Why is it always three words that are the most dramatic? You’d be forgiven for thinking of the infamous ‘I love you’, but not this time. No, this time it was something quite different. They were AJ’s three words, spoken in a rush of anger. Sitting on the windowsill of the hotel room, that conversation a week ago was still imprinted on my mind. 

“Oh, come on! This comeback tour wasn’t much of a comeback, was it?”

“Look, just because we didn’t sell as many tickets as we thought…”

“As many? We had to cancel three, Kev!”

“Kev’s right not to just assume stuff, AJ. We have been out of the loop for a long time.”

“What difference should that make, D? The group doesn’t stop existing when we aren’t performing.”

“AJ, stop being arrogant! The industry doesn’t stand still for us.

“Arrogant? You-”

“Will you three cut it out for a minute?”

“Well, what do you think, then, Bri?”

“We haven’t really developed our music much since the last album. Maybe if we…”

“Change it, Rok? That what you think? ‘Cause then it won’t be ‘us’ anymore! We did well in the past by keeping to our own style.”

“Is that what it’s all about now, Nick? How well we do; how much money we make? Are we all forgetting the band is supposed to be about the music? If that’s the case, then maybe we should quit!” 

We had all looked away, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. It sunk in then – we had all been thinking it. AJ was the brave one, being the only one with the guts to say it out loud. ‘We should quit’… it was an option I never wanted to submit to. My eyes drifted to the night beyond the window.

A curtain of rain hung over the city streets, flooding the roads with deluge, while the sickly orange glow of the streetlights reflected off the relentless water. Below, a lone figure trailed along the street, mute and solitary, throwing a menacing shadow across the wall. Like a crashing wave, thunder threw itself, growling, at the sleeping world around me.

Strange, I pondered, how the weather seemed to mirror me. I was angry. Angry at AJ’s harsh verdict. Angry with myself for having no protest to his suggestion. I was upset. After living with the band and the music for so long, I had wept at the prospect of its loss. Or perhaps the universe was just mocking me, with its rain of tears and its bellowing voice?

Sighing, I turned my gaze aside. Quitting. For the last few years, I had refused to kid myself and knew deep down that it was inevitable. After all, nothing lasts forever. Either through death, age, family or losing sight of what is important, I knew it would end one day. Yet, for all my reasoning, when it came to it I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want it to happen. It was too important to me, to Kevin, to AJ, Nick and Howie.

The snowglobe sat by my foot. I picked it up. This trinket always seemed to help me think as I watched the tiny flakes swirl, dance and flutter. I shook it, wanting to organise my thoughts now. I couldn’t remember where it was from, or who had given it to me. Family? A friend? A fan? I’d lost track over the years.

I spotted the comical snowman standing in the center of the snowglobe, grinning at me with oversized teeth. Immediately, my head faced the window again. For all of the sinister rumblings of the weather, it was somehow better than the faked cheeriness of that small character. There was no faking anything now – it was over.

Unprepared for the revelation, my soul felt isolated. Perhaps the existence of the band had cemented the brotherly bond the five of us shared, or maybe the band was the bond itself. Whatever it was, its absence was chilling. Those three words had been like a sharpened knife, cutting us all off. I was totally and inexplicably… alone…

Yet, as I kept thinking, I reminisced on the positive. The devoted fans, the understanding and appreciation, the atmosphere of the concerts, hanging out with the guys… they’d lasted a long time in the business. ‘Boy bands’ were only supposed to last two years, and we’d long surpassed that total. We’d …sort of forged our own legacy.

Taking a deep breath, I softly poured out my sudden thoughts into vocal form, despite the heavyhearted mood I had begun the day with: 

“…Now that we're here,

It's so far away

All the struggle we thought was in vain

All the mistakes,

One life contained

They all finally start to go away

Now that we're here its so far away

And I feel like I can face the day I can forgive

And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today…”* 

The last note hung in the placid air, and I looked back to the slowglobe. It was finally settling back down again. Looking at it in this new light, it didnt seem too different from my life after all. Just like the miniature flakes within the glass, things had fallen into place quite nicely.

Back inside the golden glow of the cosy hotel room, my cell phone sat patiently on the bed, waiting to be used. Of course, I had planned to phone Leigh, to tell her what was happening, and that I would be heading back to her, and our three-year-old son, the next day.

Well, maybe I wasn’t all that alone… even though the troubles…

I suppose life’s not so bad… 

* Lyrics taken from “So Far Away” by Staind

 

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