Addiction
I never knew where to find her, but, somehow, she’d always show up
when I needed her. Sometimes, even when
I didn’t know I needed her, she’d appear, and I’d realize that I’d been
subconsciously waiting for her.
There were times when I’d pick up the phone in my hotel room in
yet another city and hear her voice on the other end. I’d find ways to be with her that I never
would’ve expected of myself. Sneaking
past the guys, management, security, even the crazy fans was worth the reward
when I’d find her. When I was with her, all
of my inhibitions, my misgivings, and hesitations would fly out the window. We made love on the back of a bus full of
people in the middle of Chicago, and the memory is forever imprinted in my
mind.
I started to believe that she was the one for me and that we were
in love. The way I felt around her,
there was no other explanation. Or so I thought.
She knew when I started to have those thoughts, and, to dispel
them, she’d twist my emotions cruelly.
I’d arrive at whatever address she’d told me to meet her at, and she’d
be with another man. Another man that
she’d obviously just had sex with. After
he’d leave, I would scream and shout accusations at her. I threw things and broke objects. Through it all, she’d simply lay in her bed,
still warm from her previous lover, and smile, amused, as though I were a toy
that had run amok. When my tirade ended,
she’d just crook a finger, and I was hers.
I’d forget it all and just be with her.
When I look back on my actions with her, I still cannot believe
the way I was. It was so unlike me, and,
yet, it was as though she’d tapped into the desperate, senseless part of me
that even I hadn’t known existed. She
knew me better than I knew myself.
And, yet, I didn’t know her at all.
***
When I had to have surgery, I stayed at a hotel near the Mayo
clinic with Leighanne and my family. The
day before I was to be admitted for surgery, my mother and Leighanne fussed
around me, wanting to make sure I was comfortable, that I was resting. If I so much as sneezed, the two of them
panicked. By that night, I was
frustrated by the whole situation, and my dad and brother weren’t so
helpful. So I walked out. I told them I needed air, and, when Leighanne
tried to come with me, I shut her down.
I’m sorry I did it, but I just needed to be away. To breathe.
I walked out of the hotel, and there she was. She must have seen the tabloids that were
reporting the story of my surgery, but she never offered explanations. She just leaned against a car and grinned
when she saw me.
Cocking her thumb in the direction of the car, she asked if I
wanted to take a ride. I was by her side
instantly, and we left the hotel behind.
She asked if I was afraid of my surgery, if I was afraid that I
would die. When I told her I was, she
just shook her head and laughed that low, throaty laugh of hers that made
desire invade every last one of my senses.
“Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for anybody. You could die in surgery tomorrow, or, next
year, a bus could hit you. Tomorrow is
never a sure thing. There’s no point in being afraid.”
I was too weak to stay with her that night or I would have. Her attitude about life, so different from my
own, was intoxicating, freeing. She was
like a drug I needed to have, and I was always in a state of withdrawal when
she wasn’t around.
***
She disappeared after my surgery.
I kept waiting for her to call and ignored Leighanne in the
process. I sensed Leigh’s hurt and often
wondered why she was still with me. She
would tell me she loved me, and I knew she did.
When I repeated the words to her, it was because I felt obligated
to. I never wanted to hurt her, but
every time I ran off, I did.
As the months passed and there was no word from my illicit beauty,
I became more and more cranky with everyone.
I snapped more often, I avoided social gatherings, and I hated spending
time with any of my friends. Nick was
hurt often during those months because he was the closest at hand and most
likely to incur my wrath. I have to
admit that, during that time in my life, the only thing I regretted is the way
I hurt those who loved me and had the best intentions for me.
Nearly a year passed before I started to crawl out of the funk I
was in. It was almost two months after
my twenty fourth birthday that I woke up and realized that I had been such a
moron. I had everything that I could possibly
want out of life, and I was letting one woman mess it all up? It wasn’t gonna
happen, I decided.
Millenium was a
rip-roaring success and touring for it was more of the incredible. I loved every minute of everything we did,
and I was the Brian that everyone had missed for so long. Leighanne and I rediscovered our relationship
and became nearly inseparable. She
really was everything that I’d dreamt of when I was a child. I had my fabulous career, great friends,
wonderful family supporting me, and a beautiful woman by my side.
Gradually, thoughts of her quit haunting my dreams and all my free
moments. I felt liberated.
***
She appeared the day before my wedding. I had stopped by the church Leigh and I were
to be married in, and I saw her when I stepped back into the parking lot. She looked the same, smelled the same, and,
as I quickly discovered, tasted the same.
I was to spend the night before the wedding in a hotel while Leigh
stayed in our home. What I hadn’t
planned on was spending that night with a companion.
We lay in bed that night, her head resting comfortably on my
shoulder. I knew it was wrong, knew it
from the minute I had kissed her in the parking lot. And I knew that it still felt too good to be
completely wrong. Or maybe I had hoped
to use that as an excuse for my conscience and God.
“So you’re getting married.”
Her voice was matter-of-fact, and I secretly hoped that she was
jealous. I should’ve known better than
to think she was jealous. She was never
jealous. Never thought to be because she
never felt anything for any of the men she wrapped around her finger. Including
me. The night before my wedding, I fell
asleep, my body tangled up with hers.
The next morning, she was gone, and I married Leighanne. Not a single guilty thought penetrated my
mind as I vowed myself to love, honor, and cherish Leigh.
***
There wasn’t a month that passed during the first two years of my
marriage that I didn’t see her.
Leighanne knew every time, too.
Like I said, she never uttered a single accusation, but I saw her face
every time I came home and fed her bullshit excuses. For whatever reason, though, I couldn’t stop
myself from feeding my addiction, and I continued to cause Leigh pain.
When Leighanne and I found out that Baylee was on the way, we
couldn’t have been more thrilled. Our
little boy would complete our picture-perfect family, and I think Leighanne
hoped that, with our son’s arrival, I would quit seeking out my temptress.
She was wrong.
The night of Baylee’s birth, after Leighanne had fallen asleep and
Baylee had been taken back to the nursery, I dried my joyous tears and called
her. I poured all my happiness into our
intimate celebration that night before I went back to the hospital in the
morning. Being with her was another sort
of joy for me.
But it wasn’t long before it all turned dark and black.
***