Nick was in the studio yet again for another
session. This time, they were in England, but he’d heard one of his favorite
Swedish producers had been in the area. So of course, he had to give him a call
and set something up. Rami Yacoub has been part of many of their hits
throughout the years as a group, and even helped Nick with his second solo
album. It felt right, going to him for the last album. He sat at the
soundboard, a smirk resting upon his otherwise neutral face. Nick looked over
at him, and knew he was nailing it.
Money’s the
only love there is
Fame’s the
only attention you see
One dollar,
two dollars, three dollars, four
Oops I
meant kids…
Walking out
the door
Yelling,
screaming, here we go again
Just
another day at the family reunion
Do they
hate me?
Do they
love me?
I don’t
think I wanna know anymore
Yelling,
screaming, here we go again…
Just
another daaaaay…
Just
another daaaaay…
At the
family reunion
Do they
love me?
Do they
hate me?
I don’t
give a damn anymore.
Nick closed his eyes, fighting the emotion that
came with this song. He knew this would be the last solo record he’d ever do.
If he was going to let it out, he knew it would have to be now. This was the
last song he’d penned for the album; all the others he wanted were recorded. It
was also one of the most personal songs he’d ever written. It would let the
fans into the disaster he tried to keep hidden, especially after his reality
show debacle. The last attempt he’d made at fixing his family flashed through
his mind. He’d never be able to have a stable family, and it stung more than he
would ever admit. It was because of that he was always thankful for the fellas,
if not for them, he was sure he’d have lost his sanity by now.
And no matter what he sang, he still cared. It
still hurt.
His lips almost touched the mike as the last
notes played. “You hear that? I don’t give a damn anymore.” He almost
whispered, before stepping back. Nick was trying to convince himself more than
anyone else right then.
“That was fantastic Nick! I’ve never heard you
go that deep.”
Nick smiled a bit, walking out of the booth as
he pulled off the headphones. “Vocally or lyrically man?”
“A bit of both.”
“You got what you need?”
“I’ll send you the finished product once I’m
done and see what you think. Can’t wait till you do this again.”
The two embraced as Nick inwardly sighed. It
wasn’t going to happen again. Still, he said nothing. It had become standard
and he was going to be talking enough that day anyway. It was the day he knew
he had to tell Howie. Well, technically he knew he didn’t have to, but it was
one of their rare days off, and he knew he may not get another solid chance at
this for awhile. In fact, he’d told Howie to stop by the studio he’d reserved
time in, after he was done recording. He wanted to connect with him, and he
wanted to come clean.
“You’ll be one of the first ones I call. I’ll
hit ya up later alright?”
“Sounds good!”
It was hard hiding from the world. It tore him
apart that he was still hiding it from one of them men he considered his
brothers. He waved as he walked down the halls of the building, passing various
recording studios as he did. Nick had been talking to management a lot lately,
planning the release of the album. There was only one thing that was keeping it
from having an actual release date.
A plan.
See, this album was different from his previous
two. This one, he wanted to tie into another project. He knew he wanted to
leave more behind, to start that organization he’d been wanting to do for
years. Ever since his last one fell through actually. And Nick even knew what
he wanted to do with the nonprofit. It was just how to do it, that was stumping
him. His first one, the one he’d done when he was just a kid, had been set up
for him by Kevin. He'd used his own organization to launch Nick’s as a
subsection. He smiled fondly, thinking of his old ocean campaign, and the way
he’d made Kevin so proud of him as he worked on that.
Maybe this
time, I can work on this with Brian… He knew he couldn’t do this alone. Someone had
to help him, and someone had to run it when he no longer could. Nick had no
guaranteed time slot before everything was lost. That five year window Dr.
Hansen had given him was only a guesstimate, and even so he was already only
two and a half months from the first year having gone by. It was the beginning
of spring, mid March, and Nick felt the time fleeing from him at a quicker pace
than he’d have liked.
Regardless of the fact AJ had known for almost
a month now, he was as deep in denial as ever. Brian had tried to talk to him.
Even Kevin had tried to call and intervene, knowing Nick and AJ needed him.
Nothing had done any good as of late. AJ would either talk to him as if all was
well, or he would go silent and pretend Nick didn’t exist any time he tried to
broach the subject.
His phone vibrated against his leg from within
his pocket, before blaring the Macarena song. Nick smiled a bit. That was his
ringtone for Howie, which of course, he hated from the moment he learned Nick
had set that for him.
“Hooooowwwwwiiiiiie!” He cried into the phone,
sounding playful and upbeat as he shoved his darker thoughts aside.
“I’m outside man, where are you?”
“Shit, I’m coming!”
****
“I cannot believe we’re at the petting zoo.”
The two walked through the petting zoo that had
actually been a bit difficult to find there in London. But the idea had been
Nick’s and he’d stubbornly refused to get out of the car unless Howie had
tracked down a petting zoo. The older Backstreet Boy had never been able to
understand the youngest member of the group and decided now wasn’t the time to
resume a mission he’d long ago dropped.
“Aww come on! This is fun.” Nick grinned as
they approached a small pen with several baby goats inside, coming over to see
them. He laughed as one in particular bleated at him hopefully. That one,
warmed up to Nick, remaining there as the other two wandered to the other
people standing at the other side of the pen.
“I’ll say it again; I can’t believe you wanted
to go to the petting zoo on our day off.”
“Hey now, I spent my morning recording. This is
a good way to chillax man.” He pulled out his Blackberry, taking a picture of
the goat and immersed in his phone for a few minutes.
Howie raised a brow at him. “Nick, what are you
doing?”
“Tweeting… see?” He handed over the phone to
Howie so that he could see.
hey peeps look, its kid nicky!
4:53 PM March 13th via Twitpic
And there, once Howie clicked on the link, was
a picture of the goat that was happily being petted by Nick once again. He
handed the phone back to his friend, laughing to himself. “You’re such a nerd.”
“But you love me!” Nick couldn’t be happier, he
loved animals, their innocence and their way of love without judgment. It was
something he always felt people could learn from them, really. It took Nick a
long time to realize he’d been one of the people who needed to learn it. Of
course, when he did, that had been when only a few years later, he’d been given
his death sentence. He snapped one more picture, this time catching himself
with the goat so that he could post it later.
“You know how many times I question why?” Howie
teased, nudging Nick so that they could let the kids behind them up close to
see.
The two continued to walk, calmly, towards the
other animals. In other circumstances Nick would’ve been more excited, he knew.
He’d be hyper and running around like he was a little kid again. He’d have been
so excited to do something he’d never been given a chance to do as a kid. There
were so many times Nick wanted to relive his childhood now that he was grown,
and could.
“There’s a reason why I wanted to bond today.”
The Latin man smirked, running a hand through
his slowly thinning hair. He still had the most hair in the group, after Nick
of course. However, as the years went by, he grew more paranoid about it. He
sighed a bit, and Nick immediately knew why. It sucked, getting old.
“Cause AJ’s sick of ya, all that time sharing a
bus… and Brian wanted to web chat with his family? And because you got really
really bored.”
“Well, yeah… there’s that. But there’s
something else too.” He led Howie off to a corner, where not many people could
be within hearing reach. As of yet, no one recognized them. Nick had hidden his
bubblegum pink hair underneath a Celtics hat. Still, he didn’t need to risk it.
“So what’s up?”
“Well… you know I’ve been acting weird.”
“You always act weird.”
“You know what I mean!”
A smirk twitched at the corners of Howie’s
mouth. “Hey I’m right though. But this is about that thing Brian and Kevin know
isn’t it?”
Nick nodded. “And AJ… though AJ’s wishing he
didn’t know right now.”
“Nick, what are you trying to say?”
“Something you really don’t want to hear. I
didn’t want to tell you this soon, but I couldn’t keep it from Kevin. Then you
guys realized I was acting funky. So then Brian found out, and now it’s just
gotten to this mess I didn’t think you guys deserved…”
“Nick.”
“And I can barely deal with it myself! So
asking you guys to try to fucking deal ain’t fair. But I need you to, and AJ’s
pissing me off lately cause I need his ass just like I need yours, and Brian’s
and Kevin’s. I know my so called real family except Angel won’t do shit for me…
so I ain’t got a choice…”
“Nick.”
“I just, I don’t know how to fucking cope. I
keep asking why me, I keep fucking getting mad, and just… don’t know what to do
with myself. So I’m sorry I gotta do this D, you don’t need it and-”
“Nick! You’re rambling. You only ramble when
you’re nervous. What are you trying to tell me?”
Nick steadied himself as he stared into the
concerned eyes of his friend. A lot of people underestimated Howie. The fans,
his casual friends outside the group, his family, all of them underestimated
him. They didn’t know how loyally he protected him over the years, coming
second only to Kevin. They didn’t know about his cheesy sense of humor always
coming up when it needed to, to comfort Nick when he was at his lowest. They
didn’t know about the fact that the real reason Howie used to club so much, was
to keep an eye on Nick and AJ. Howie did so much, gave so much, and no one ever
knew. They let him stay in the shadows, a forgotten member of the group most of
the time.
He embraced him, suddenly having the hardest
time forming the actual words. It hadn’t been this hard with AJ, and even
Kevin, the words had come out easier than he’d have thought. Brian had found
out by accident. So why couldn’t he just vocalize the thought and finally say
it to Howie?
Howie patted his back, hugging him back
tightly. “You’ve got me scared now. What’s wrong?”
Nick buried his head into his friend’s shoulder
and uttered the words that had destroyed his life. Even though he was taller,
he suddenly felt safer. Howie stiffened, and he knew his friend had heard what
he said. Neither said anything more.
Everything that needed to be said, was
expressed as the embrace tightened.
***
Author’s Note: Lyrics used were made up by me. :)