“Nick are you paying attention?”
“Nick?”
“Niiiiick…”
“Nicky!” Howie called, finally causing
Nick to snap back to attention. He’d found himself spacing out more and more
during the past month. They’d finished the album and were now trying to block
for the performances of their first single “Calling Out To You” and work out
the choreography. They had yet to decide the final album tracklist, but they
were more concerned on making sure the performances would be on point.
“Sorry! And don’t call me Nicky!” he
half whined, half spit out, finding himself overly irritated at Howie.
“Alright, sorry.”
Brian gave Nick a look as AJ caught
his eye and just chuckled. “Nick must not be getting any lately. No wonder he’s
cranky.”
Nick rather than laugh along, just
rolled his eyes. He’d always had a case of diagnosed but unmedicated ADD, since
he hated the effects of the pills. Over the years he learned tricks that would
help him focus on whatever he was doing at that moment. But lately, he’d been
having more problems focusing than he ever did before. When he was driving,
he’d have to fight to pay attention or he’d end up on a random street with not
a clue of how he got there. He’d space out during rehearsals when it was his
turn to sing. And now, when they were trying to get down the choreography and
block out on the stage which Boy went where, he found himself staring off into
space and annoying the others, and himself.
He started wondering if maybe he’d
been overdoing the drinking, if Brian was right. Or that the fact he’d only
been getting five hours of sleep a night if he was lucky, was beginning to
catch up with him. Maybe it was a combination of all of them. Maybe he was
catching the flu again; he of all people knew how weak his immune system was to
that, as he was always getting sick with one thing or another. The timing was
bad as they had a promotional appearance on the Today show within days.
A tap on the shoulder caused him to
jump and turn to see the culprit, Brian.
‘I must’ve spaced out again. Shit.’
“Jumpy?”
Nick forced a grin. “Just imitating
how you gotta leap to reach stuff.”
“You look tired.”
“I’m good… can’t we just rehearse?”
“You’ve come back down from Planet
Nick right?” Howie remarked, the corners of his mouth twitching in amusement.
“I’ll have you know it’s called
Nickopolis thank you very much.”
AJ snickered as he stretched a bit.
“Otherwise known as the insane asylum.”
“Alright guys, let’s focus.”
Brian saluted Howie. “Yes sir Daddy
Howie!”
“Remind me to tell Kevin thanks
soooooo much for calling you to join.”
The music began to play as once more
Nick forced himself back to attention. He followed the others in synch with the
music and steps that their once again choreographer Fatima, had designed for
them. Nick felt himself smile, he loved dancing these days. At one point, he
used to hate it, having been slower to catch on to it than the others. But as
time progressed, dancing had become natural and fun to do once more. Yet as he
continued, he found himself fighting harder and harder to get the steps right.
Eventually he tripped over his own feet, almost knocking AJ over from behind
and missed by mere inches.
‘Thank God AJ tunes out the whole damn world when he gets into his
dancing zone.’
The Boys danced effortlessly, making
sure they didn’t bump into each other. Nick stood there, feeling stupid for
having not a clue of what steps came next. Brian was the one who noticed Nick’s
lack of dancing first. The look of concern on the southern man’s face was plain
as day to see as his forehead crinkled. “What’s up?”
“I’m out, I’m done for today.” Nick
retorted, furious at himself. How could he forget the steps? They had a
performance coming in mere days. “You guys keep going, I need a break.”
For the first time in almost a decade,
Nick felt the sudden craving for a smoke. He wondered if he could raid AJ’s
stash. He shook the thought aside, part of the reason he’d quit was to get his
voice back into shape. Now that it was and had been for years, he didn’t need
to screw that up again. He walked outside of the dance studio they’d rented out
for the week, kicking the wall as he walked down the alleyway behind the
building. Finally he stopped, slumping down to the ground with a sigh.
This time, instead of Brian checking
on him, it’d been AJ. Nick would’ve bet five hundred dollars then and there
that it’d been Brian who sent him out however. AJ squatted down beside him,
lighting up a cigarette casually as he did. Nick watched the sun set, the sky
becoming a mixed hue of blues and reds and pinks. It almost gave him the urge
to draw. For now, it gave him something to focus on as AJ interrogated him.
“So what’s your deal?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been more moody than Rochelle
when she was acting bi-polar and on her damn period. What crawled up your ass
and started camping up there?”
“Nothing.”
“Dude, you know you’re gonna tell us
eventually. So just talk and then Brian and Howie will chill.”
“Howie’s worried too?”
“Of course, you know how he is. He
becomes that Puerto Rican Jumping Bean when he gets annoyed, but that’s cause
you’re worrying us man. You come in looking half dead; you end up leaving
angry…”
Nick ran a hand through his hair,
trying to stifle a yawn yet failing. “I must just be tired. I haven’t been
sleeping well…maybe its insomnia or some shit like that.”
“Maybe you should…”
“I ain’t going to therapy again.
That’s a load of crap and was the last time I tried it. I’ll pick up some
sleeping pills and see if that helps.”
“Come on then, we’re used to you
stumbling around over those long ass limbs of yours.”
The two stood, and Nick followed AJ
inside. He swore to himself then and there that he’d cut down on the partying a
bit so he could get himself back together. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel like he
was falling apart.
*****
The sun was shining, clear blue skies,
not too hot just yet; all in all it was a beautiful day in New York City. It
was the June 1st, 2015 and the Backstreet Boys were there for the
Early Show’s Summer Concert Series. Nick sighed happily to himself, the crowd
screaming their names as they walked up upon the stage. This was what felt
natural. Despite everything else that his life could screw up, performing was
not one of those things. The stage was where he belonged, where he thrived, and
where he was happy. Nothing could go wrong here; this was him, simple as that.
He shot Brian a grin as the music
began to play. As the track picked up, they began to dance and sing their song
for all to see, doing what they loved. Nick felt himself thrive on the energy,
the crowd and was actually able to focus on keeping himself in step. Brian
stepped forward as he, AJ, and Howie danced behind him, singing his lead.
“As the world turns it back on me
And I lose all self control…
I see the darkness head my way
Only you can save my soul…”
The four all danced together again as
they came upon the chorus.
“So I’m calling out to you…
You can save me as I fall
Now I stand here, hear my call
I’m calling out to you
I’m calling out to you
I’m calling out to you…”
Nick stepped forward, with AJ, Howie
and Brian still dancing behind him. They’d long ago gone back to their old
methods of performing, and decided whoever was leading should play and sing to
the crowd while the others danced, preserving the quality of the vocals. The
media still managed to mock them for dancing and singing like any old Boyband
from the 90’s would, but they’d long ago stopped caring. Nick bent down, giving
the smirk he’d become famous for. He opened his mouth to sing.
“As I…”
And then it happened. In one simple,
horrifying moment, it happened. His mind had gone blank. He opened his mouth to
sing the lyrics again, nothing came. Not from his mind, not from his mouth.
Absolutely nothing. His mind was racing.
‘Please God; let me remember just what the hell I’m supposed to
sing! Why can’t I remember? I never forget! What do I do? Oh fucking hell, what
the HELL do I do now? Come on Nick, THINK!’
Despite his mental pleas, there came
no sudden miracle revelation to save him. He was clueless at what his lyrics
were. He’d been singing this song everyday to remember and now it did him no
good at all. He felt like an amateur. For the first time in Nick’s life, he had
no idea what to do with himself on stage. He had no lyrics to sing, he was on
national television, and was live on stage surrounded by hundreds of fans. And
he had no idea what he should be singing. He turned as Brian caught his look of
horror and fear. AJ and Howie looked confused as Howie motioned for Nick to get
started as the band behind them played, bewildered as well. Brian ran forward
to where Nick was, throwing his arm around him, singing the lyrics that were
supposed to have been Nick’s.
“As I watch myself crumble down
I see your face, I need you near
For I’m abandoned by the world
So please come save me from it all
Please come saaaaaave me…”
Nick got back in step for the chorus,
acting as if what he did was simply part of the show. He wasn’t sure if they
bought it, but there was no other option either way. As soon as the performance
ended, and Nick smiled for the camera, they were done for the day. He ripped
off his ear piece and audio equipment that was strapped to him and set it on a
random table. He thanked his lucky stars they’d only agreed to an already taped
interview and one song performance. He bolted off the stage. He felt bad that
he was ignoring the fans, but he doubted they were happy with his blunder on
stage anyway. His massive screw up. Nick still couldn’t believe he’d done that;
he never did anything like that before. The stage was supposed to be his safe
haven. It was supposed to be the one place where everything was right.
Instead it betrayed him.
“Nick!” Brian called as they followed
him through the building.
“Leave me alone Brian! And before you
two say anything that goes for you guys too AJ and D!”
“Nick, just stop!”
“I said leave me the hell alone!” His
fast pace was slowly turning into a run. Nick just felt the need to get away,
escape and forget this day ever happened. There was only one problem to that.
He had no idea which way to go to get to the vans waiting behind the building.
He mumbled a string of curses as he stopped and turned around. If he gave the guys
some excuse, he could simply follow them out. They wouldn’t need to know he’d
spaced yet again and forgot just how
the hell to get out of there. He needed to find some way to start focusing so
these things wouldn’t happen.
‘God damn ADD.’
“Fine, I stopped. What?” Nick blurted
as they all came to a stop in front of him, his eyes narrowed.
“Look, we were making sure you were
okay Frackolas.”
“What happened up there?” Howie
questioned, looking not angry, just anxious. As far as Nick was concerned, he could
just join the club on that feeling.
“Dude…”
“Look…” His mind scrambled for a lie.
He didn’t need the others on his back right then. “I went to the doctors the
other day, about my lack of sleep and shit ya know? He’s got me on ADD medicine
again, thinks that’s why. I took it before we got here and I think it made me
blank out.” Nick simply hoped that sounded legit. It was one of the boldest
lies he’d ever told to the fellas since his drug dabbling phase, but he needed
them to believe this. He only wished he
could believe this.
Howie nodded. “Oh, it’s okay man.
Sometimes that happens to the best.”
AJ smirked. “Tell the doc he needs to
give you something else.”
Nick forced a laugh. He knew he had to
act cordial despite his anger, humiliation, and frustration for this lie to
work. “Yeah seriously, I will. That had to have been one of the worst moments
of y life. I ain’t having that happen again. Thanks for bailing me out Bri. “
Brian simply gave a slight nod in
response. Nick knew then that Brian hadn’t believed a word that he just said.
He also knew however that Brian couldn’t prove he was lying, so that was why he
was saying nothing. Nick sighed as he followed the others through the building.
His heart continued to pound at what his doctor would consider an unhealthy
rate. It wasn’t drugs or alcohol causing this, like in the past. No, this time
it was pure unadulterated fear. Despite all the excuses, Nick couldn’t explain
this one away like he had been everything else lately. This time he was forced
to see the truth, and it frightened him beyond belief.
Something was definitely wrong.
***