“Nick…it’s Aaron…”
Howie handed the phone to him. Nick swallowed back
the words he was going to say and took it. He looked at his friend and realized
he refused to look him in the eye. Howie’s eyes would go anywhere but on Nick
himself. It felt like a brick of lead had fallen deep into the pit of his
stomach. He knew whatever he was about to hear, it couldn’t – wouldn’t be good.
“Hello?” He croaked into the phone, before
clearing his throat a bit. “Hello?”
“Is this Nick Carter?”
His brow furrowed as he walked back out into the
living room with Howie and Jane. He could feel nine pairs of eyes staring at
him. Nick gave a silent prayer right then, fearing the worst just from the tone
of the caller alone. He stared at the ground.
“Yeah, this is him.”
“You were listed on Aaron Carter’s contact list.
I’m Dr. Branders at the Ronald Regan UCLA Medical Center. Aaron was brought in
just an hour ago. He was found along side of the road suffering the effects of
a heroin overdose. He was already comatose when he was discovered. I’m sorry to
be the bearer of bad news…”
“Bad news…where’s my brother? I’ll come see him, I
don’t care what condition he’s in.” Nick answered, unable to accept what was
being said.
“Mr. Carter, we did our best to revive him, but it
just wasn’t possible.”
For a moment, Nick couldn’t process the words. His
heart stopped. Memories flashed before his eyes within an instant, none of them
bad. He knew there were many he could think of but didn’t. No, this time only
the blissful, lighthearted moments passed through his mind. The visual of a
happier Aaron, one with floppy blond hair, and gleeful brown eyes - only half
his own size, following him around when he was only five and Nick had been
fourteen.
He could see himself showing Aaron tips on
performing for a large crowd. Their first tour together, when Aaron opened up
for the group and Nick couldn’t have been any prouder of his brother if he had
tried. The two playing basketball together during one of the rare moments they
were both home. The five Carter siblings, on Nick’s disastrous attempt of a
reality show came to mind, and the time Nick had to show him how to do his own
laundry.
The memories faded, giving Nick a new mental
image. One of an older, bitter Aaron after trying to revive his career by going
on “Dancing With The Stars” and failing. One who got bored with his own life
and money. Aaron when he would show up at Nick’s doorstep begging for help once
his own savings were gone and he’d gone into debt. Nick saw himself giving in
again and again in an attempt to save his brother. So many times he’d tried to
pull Aaron out before it was too late. Nick, better than anyone understood the
path he’d been on. Even if he hadn’t gone so far down the road as Aaron had.
I’m sorry Aaron.
A solitary tear zigzagged along his cheek. No
others fell. He wouldn’t let them. The doctor on the end was still speaking but
Nick didn’t hear him. The phone fell from his hand and shattered carelessly
upon the floor. He could feel everyone staring at him as they waited for him to
say something. For a minute or two he said nothing. If he said anything he knew
it would feel more real.
“Nick…” He wasn’t sure who the voice belonged to,
his mind wasn’t processing much right then.
“Aaron.” Bile rose up in his throat. He forcefully
swallowed it right back down. “Aaron…he’s…he’s dead.”
Leslie and Angel reacted first. Both of them ran
to Nick. An arm wrapped around each of them. Angel’s head buried into his
shoulder as her body shook. She broke down in a way Nick had never seen before
from her. He understood though, despite everything he had been her twin, her
other half, and now he was gone. He glanced down at Leslie who was hugging him
tightly. Tears could be seen swimming in her eyes but she, like him, was
fighting to hold them in. The three held each other and refused to let go.
“What happened to him?” BJ asked shakily, and for
the first time he looked up. She wrapped her arms around herself.
Nick once again, said nothing.
“Nick?” Brian nudged gently with his voice. He
jerked, startled. He’d actually forgotten the fellas were there for a bit.
“Heroin overdose.” He didn’t elaborate. Nick knew
right then he’d take all the details of his little brother’s demise to his own
grave. They didn’t need to know how far Aaron had truly fallen. They didn’t
need to know how he’d been found. Nick wanted to give him that much if nothing
else. There had been so many chances to try and save him, Nick felt, and he’d
missed them all. Now, it was simply too late. Right then Nick felt like nothing
but a massive failure.
Aaron, if you can hear me, I’m so sorry.
Tears stung his eyes once again.
Please forgive me.
****
The moon lit up the sky that night, and it was
peaceful as Nick walked along the sands of Huntington Beach, California. The
waves crashed against his bare feet and he enjoyed the feeling. He couldn’t
sleep and refused to stay in his place a moment longer. The feeling of
suffocation had only grown worse till he couldn’t stand it anymore. Leslie didn’t
know he’d left. After he’d made the calls to the rest of the family, and
everyone had calmed down, they had left hours before. But not without some
misgivings. Angel and Kevin had been particularly fierce about staying there
with him. He felt guilty about wanting them away, especially Angel. But, BJ was
staying with her and he needed the time to himself.
He enjoyed the way the moon looked on the
reflections of the waves. He could hear some birds calling out into the night. The
beach was solitary, and it was beautiful. Nick sighed as he stopped and just
stared out into the water.
“Why…why did you have to do this to yourself?” He
yelled, picking up a rock and tossing it furiously into the ocean waters. He
watched it skip a bit and then sink into the water.
“Come on Aaron! Answer me you shithead!” Nick
screamed even though he knew no one would answer. He picked up another and
threw it again.
“Why! You threw everything away! Was this what you
wanted! Was it?!” He shouted, and unable to find another large stone, grabbed a
handful of sand as hurled it as hard as he could. Nick stood there, breathing
heavily. He waited for an answer that he knew would never come.
Nick started walking again. “I gave you another
chance, I was trying so damn fucking hard for you…why couldn’t you just listen?
I got it.” He sighed. “Mom’s right, I am a fuck up.”
“Now if you’re listening your psycho mother, I’m
gonna be really fucking worried about you.”
Nick turned, startled. AJ could be seen in the
distance walking along the beach. With the whole “Goth Couture” look Nick had
long ago become accustomed to, he looked incredibly out of place. And he was
flat out surprised to see that AJ had been able to track him down. He waited
for him and once he caught up with him, started walking again.
“How did you find me here?”
“How did I not find you here? Nick plus angry plus
upset, minus family, minus friends…equals beach. Aw fuck, Nick and anything
equals beach. It just took me a long fucking time to figure out which one you
ran to.”
“How long you been looking?”
“Two hours, how long you been out here? I mean
fuck, it’s three in the damn morning.”
“Four hours.”
“No wonder Leslie got worried. You got everyone
freaked out with your vanishing act dude.”
He didn’t look at AJ. Instead he kept his eyes on
the water, the only other sound being the roars of waves crashing up against
the shore. “She was asleep when I left.”
“Yeah then she woke up, saw you gone, and called
around to see where you went.”
Nick turned on him. “Worried I’d do something
stupid? Worried I’d forget where I was, or what I was doing? Worried that Nick
would fuck something else up?!”
AJ stepped back, holding his hands up in
surrender. “No.” His voice was gentle. “Worried cause she knows you’re dealing
with a lot and cause she loves you. We all do.”
“It’s my fault.” Nick replied.
“No, it’s not.”
“Yeah it is, who else was going to help him Aje?
Mom?” A bitter laugh followed. “Dad? I bet he didn’t even know Aaron had a
fucking problem. Angel tried…but she didn’t understand. Not the way I did…or
you did…”
AJ placed a hand on his shoulder. “You’re right;
none of them are going to get it like you and me man. So you should know all
that stuff about it being your fault is complete fucking bullshit.”
Silence followed.
“I mean it; you and I both know you can’t force
anyone to get their shit straight. They need to figure it out on their own. You
and I got lucky enough to finally realize we needed to fix ourselves before we
fucked it all up. Aaron…wasn’t that lucky.”
Nick swung his eyes back at his friend. He wanted
to believe him so badly. It would make everything that much simpler. The
guilt would fade and he would be able to mourn the loss of his brother in
peace. But it wasn’t that simple. Nothing was. For as many times as he gave in
and did his best for Aaron, there were just as many where he didn’t. There were
just as many fights and slammed doors. The last time he’d been with Aaron, they
had been shouting at each other. He’d never be able to tell Aaron how he was
sorry. Or that he was trying to help him the only way he knew how.
Instead, his last words had been for Aaron to grow
up.
“He died thinking I hated him.” I’m so
sorry, so fucking sorry Aaron.
“More bullshit. He knew you loved him whether he
wanted to admit it or not.”
Nick shook his head. Aaron hadn’t talked to him
since that day over a month before. He’d tried to get in touch with him, to
repair some of the damage their fight had caused. Aaron refused all of it. Any
updates he’d gotten had been through Angel instead. Nick sighed, there were so
many things he’d take back if he could. He’d trade in all the accomplishments
of his career, the fame, and fortune, just to redo it all again and prevent
Aaron from ever going down that dark path to addiction. He stared out at the
ocean yet again.
“Nick…this isn’t your fault.”
Then why does it feel like it is?
***