Nick sat down in his therapist’s office, his eyes
focusing once again on the shelf of random items. That’s where his gaze was
always drawn, he couldn’t help it. He glanced down at his hand again, where
he’d written down his therapist’s name. As time went on, little things were
slipping easily from the grasp of his fading memory. Kevin had been the one to
suggest he stopped by. With everything that had happened in the past few
months, session appointments had been forgotten, amongst other things, and he’d
felt Nick needed to talk it out with a professional.
Nick did it just because you didn’t not listen to
Kevin, but he was already regretting being there.
These days I wish I was just psychotic. It’d be
better than what’s really going on.
When Dr. Julewis entered the room with a friendly
smile, Nick glanced down yet again. He knew he shouldn’t be trying so hard to
pretend that he wasn’t losing as much as he was. He should accept it, embrace
it, and go from there. Yet, something stopped him from doing so. A banner of
pride flew boldly from him, and he refused to let it go.
It seemed it was one of the only things he had
left.
“It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. A lot’s
happened. I’m sorry to hear about your brother.”
He nodded. He didn’t want to talk about Aaron.
Aaron who was forever to be marked as the biggest failure of his life. His
biggest regret, until he would remember nothing. Only then, would he be at
peace with the fate of his little brother. He sighed, saying nothing. It was
easier when he thought Aaron was still alive and just ignoring him. The worst
was when he remembered. The worst was when he brought back to the reality that
he would love to abandon.
“I’m fine, until I forget he’s gone. Someone has
to tell me again and…” He couldn’t finish his sentence. He couldn’t even look
into the kind doe like eyes of his therapist. Instead, they stared above her,
at the Hitler Skunk figure on the shelf that he always wanted to take with him.
If he focused on something else, there would be fewer questions. He felt himself
fidgeting in the leather chair he was sitting in. Suddenly, he couldn’t get
comfortable no matter which way he shifted.
“Nick?” Her voice brought him back to the moment,
forcing him to realize she’d been trying to talk to him and he’d simply tuned
her out.
“Sorry.”
“I can only imagine how hard it is for you. It’s
like he’s dying again, isn’t it?”
He nodded. “The other day, when I finally moved
out of my condo, I asked Brian advice about Aaron. He didn’t want to tell me. I
was like…hella confused at first cause AJ went to tell me and Brian tried to
stop him.” Nick bit his lip before continuing. His mind flashed back to the
argument that had started right there in front of him.
“He doesn’t need to know.”
“Of course he does! Or he’ll think Aaron hates him
and will never want to see him. Is that any better? Fuck Brian, we can’t just
hide shit from him.”
“You guys…” Howie said, motioning subtly to Nick,
who had paused while carrying a box out to the moving truck.
He hadn’t told them that the argument alone had
forced the memory of Aaron’s death back to them. Or how it made him feel to
watch them fight because of him and his disease. Instead he just smiled, like
nothing was wrong. What hurt the most was that they had believed it, unable to
see the falseness behind it.
“Right…” he said, rather than elaborating. “I, I
have my bad days where it’s harder to remember recent shit. I’m trying my best
and I feel like I’m letting the guys down.”
“What makes you think you’re letting them down?”
“Because I am. They don’t get why I’m alone so
much.”
“It’s because they love you, they feel you should
be around people…”
“Should I? I ain’t happy with people.” He laughed
at himself, but it was hollow and bitter. “It’s funny. I used to hate being
alone. I was almost as bad as fucking AJ, always needing people around me. Now
I just wanna tell everyone who checks in on me to fuck off.” A pause. “Even the
fellas.”
“That’s normal, Nick. These are normal feelings
that you’re going through in trying to cope. What you’re dealing with isn’t
easy, and actually you’re doing better than most in your position.”
“How many people are in my position? I have been
given a lot of shit in my life. I realized that when we went out on a boat
recently. I’m hella lucky for everything and I want more. I feel cheated, and
there’s people who would kill for just getting what I’ve gotten.” Nick sighed,
running a hand tiredly through his hair. “I’m greedy.”
“You’re not, you just want out of the situation.
Who wouldn’t?”
“And then the guys are there so much…like
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And there’s gonna be this whole big dinner, and I
ain’t wanting a damn thing to do with it. I’d rather just get away.” He glanced
out the window, on the beautiful, sunny fall day that mocked him. “Brian took
me into his place and I’m nothing but a burden.”
“Nick…” She took his hands in hers, trying to warm
him with her gentle smile. “You’re not a burden. What’s happening isn’t your
fault.”
His eyes met hers. They were startlingly blue,
tragically beautiful from the pain that defined them. Pain that defined his
life now. Nick pulled his hands away. He rose from the chair furiously, pushing
it aside. He turned his face back towards her, his boyish face twisted with
anger.
“Not a burden!? Really? How many
thirty-six-year-olds do you know have to move in with their best friend and his
family cause they ain’t able to live alone?”
****
Thanksgiving.
Brian’s parents had come to help prepare dinner.
Jackie was in the kitchen with Leighanne and Kristin. The inviting aromas of
dinner Nick had come to associate with her cooking were teasing him
tantalizingly. Harold Senior was out in the backyard with Baylee and Mason.
Howie, Leigh, and James hadn’t arrived yet, and Kevin was playing with the
McLean twins, adorable in their identical black dresses with ruffles. Nick had
been pretty good about dodging people, able to just slip into the background, a
recently acquired skill.
The Carter side of his family wasn’t there that
day. But this time, the fact didn’t pain him as it had in the past with the
exception of Aaron. Leslie called daily from her home in Canada, and Angel
always stopped by to see him on a weekly basis. She’d gone to Florida for
Thanksgiving, as had Jane, to be with BJ and her family. He’d understood, they
needed to support each other.
“Nick!” He almost groaned at hearing the voice of
Jackie Littrell. He hadn’t spoken to her since Brian had broken the news to her
just before the VMAs. He’d known where it would go and it was hard enough as it
was.
I can’t do this.
Pretending he hadn’t heard her, he made his way
around the house and out the front door. He wasn’t looking where he was going,
and slammed right into Howie. Both fell to the ground, James snickering the
entire time. Leigh held out a hand to each of them and helped them up.
“Hey, why don’t you go inside and find Mason and
Baylee?” She suggested. James, grinning did as he was told and raced off to the
house.
Howie brushed himself off. “You trying to kill me
man?”
“Sorry, just spacing.”
“It’s alright, just wondering where you’re trying
to go.”
Nick shrugged. “Needed some air.”
Leigh smiled. Nick always liked her, ever since
she started working for them. During the Black and Blue tour, they had caused
some chaos in her hotel room. Including Howie tossing an ironing board out the
window while drunk. Why he’d done that, Nick was never sure. But they’d all
been wasted by that point so there probably wasn’t a reason. When they called
pretending to be the hotel staff and she ratted them out for the state of the
hotel room, he’d known then she was perfect for Howie. She dealt with their
antics patiently, unnoticed from the sidelines, but Nick always loved that
about her. She left the group to them, unlike Leighanne over the years, and just
helped when she was needed.
“So how are you Nick?” She hugged him tightly, his
arms wrapped around her in return.
“Okay, I haven’t driven Leighanne insane yet, so
that’s a plus.”
Jackie could be seen stepping through the door, watching
them at the curb. Howie gave Leigh a look and an unspoken agreement passed
between them. She pulled away as Brian’s mother started heading their way and
nodded at Nick.
“We’ll see you inside.”
Nick stood there, watching them go to the house
with a sigh. He felt like such an asshole. But it was like he was visiting his
own funeral with each person he encountered with the news. Sympathy, regret,
pity – it was driving him insane. It was why he’d fought so hard to hide it to
begin with. How much more could he really take before he lost it?
He wasn’t sure but he knew it couldn’t be much.
She reached him, and patted his cheek lovingly.
What hurt was that it was more gentle a touch than his mother had given in
years. Even after she attempted to fix things. He sighed, hugging her tightly.
The guilt that swept him was overwhelming. It wasn’t right to try and hide from
those who loved him just because of the fact they cared. This wasn’t easy for
anyone.
“I’m sorry.” He muttered, unable to say it any louder.
“For what Nick? I just wanted to be sure you knew
we’re here for you. You’ve been part of the family for a long time, don’t you
ever forget that.”
He pulled away with a nod.
“Now, if you hadn’t been trying so hard to avoid
me…” She lectured, the southern twang strengthening in her voice similar to the
way it would in Brian’s. “I would’ve been able to tell you dinner’s almost
ready.”
Nick followed her inside the house. Each footstep
felt heavier than the last. This shouldn’t be so hard, he knew. It was just
dinner with his family. Family where it counted most. He’d just been talking
about this with his therapist. Being around people meant expectations. It meant
he had to hold it together as much as he could or they would fall apart. The
stress of it was hard to handle.
As everyone headed into the dining room for
dinner. Nick did something different. His thoughts had suddenly changed from
the events of that Thanksgiving. Why was he there? Where was he? Nick knew one
thing – he wasn’t supposed to be there. Knowing that, he strolled out of the
house. He wasn’t sure where he was going but he didn’t care much. A smile
flitted on his face, looking odd sitting there. He simply continued to walk
along the road without a care in the world.
He didn’t know that once everyone was settled and
everyone was ready to eat, they noticed his absence. Nick didn’t know, or even
think of the worry that settled within those who loved him. As he walked away
from them all on a trip to seemingly nowhere, they started trying to find him
in a furious wave of panic. He sung to himself as he walked instead. There were
no real worries on his mind. Why would there be?
Nick felt, knew was only
seventeen, living in what he knew to be “no fan land”.
***