“When are you going to tell everyone?”
Nick sighed; they’d been out all
night, simply talking. Both coming to grips with the reality placed before
them. After Nick said it, they initially tried to avoid the topic once they
both calmed down. But when early morning came to greet them, they came back
full circle to the reason Nick had called Kevin for a one on one to begin with.
Even though he hadn’t planned to tell him, some part of him had wanted to since
he first received the news himself. And in all honestly, it’d been the release
he’d so desperately needed. The therapist had been right, not that he’d ever
admit that to her anytime soon, if ever.
“I don’t know…when I need help I
guess. When I can’t function myself.” He shoved his hands idly in his pockets,
glancing up at the pink tinged sky.
“Any idea when that’ll happen?”
“Five, ten years. If I’m hella lucky,
maybe longer. “ Nick glanced away, biting his lip. “Right now it’s at little
shit, forgetting lyrics sometimes, or where I put stuff.”
Kevin raised a brow. “You’re
forgetting lyrics?”
“Only the new stuff, I have to work
harder on getting it to stick. That’s what made me go to the doctor’s in the
first place. Our…Early Show fiasco, I blanked on the lyrics.”
“I can see why that would scare you…”
Kevin eyed him, taking in the cast he was forced to wear for another week or
so. “What accident caused the arm?”
Nick smirked a bit, trying not to
laugh. “I got mad and my car window walked into the line of fire.”
“Nick-”
“I was angry, really angry. Can you
blame me? I’m just lucky it was a car that pissed me off, and not a person.”
Kevin simply nodded, his arm around
Nick shoulders as they continued to walk. The sun was beginning to peek over
the horizon, giving a golden rod along the New York City skyline. He glanced
above at the fading stars, being reminded once more that that was exactly what
he was. A fading star in the coming light. It was then he wished for what he
knew had to be the millionth time, that it was Kevin who was his father. How
different would his life had been if he was? Would he have wasted it the way he
had otherwise?
“What are you thinking?”
Nick shrugged, not wanting to share
his true thoughts. He always felt a bit self conscious when it came to telling
Kevin the role he played in Nick’s life. It was an unspoken knowledge between
the two, Kevin within the fatherly role, and with Nick wishing he was it in
reality. “Just what I’m going to do. I
know what I want to do, like…I want to leave a mark Kev, I just don’t know
how.”
“Just try and make the best you
can…with the other guys. It’s all you can do.” His voice trailed off, growing
broken in tone.
“I know.”
“…You need to make peace with your
family too. I know you don’t want to, and I know they don’t really deserve you,
but I know you. You won’t be able to rest easy until you do.”
Nick kicked a pebble along the
sidewalk, suddenly finding the ground far more interesting right then. He hated
how the other man was always right. It seemed to be the rule of Backstreet: In
terms of advice, Kevin was always right. “They don’t deserve to know, except
maybe the twins. After everything, they should just find out when I’m too damn
out of it to remember all the ways they abandoned me or fucked me over.”
“Maybe it’s time to settle it all. You
know it is.”
A pause. “Why do you have to be right
all the damn time?”
Kevin chuckled. “It’s a gift I’ve come
to have over the years.”
Nick smiled a bit, feeling so at ease
yet incredibly frustrated at the same time. His mind and body were a swirling
tornado of mixed emotions. He wanted to rage. He wanted to cry. He wanted to
laugh. He wanted to smile. He wanted to be himself and make it go away with a
few jokes. He wanted to escape it all. Nick just wanted to be, but without all
the complications it currently came with. “Why me? What did I do to deserve all
this?”
Kevin swallowed hard, keeping his own
emotions in check. “You didn’t do anything, it just happened. I can’t say
anything to make it easier lil’ man. You don’t know how hard that is for me.
It…it just happened. Only God knows why.”
“God hates me.”
“God doesn’t hate you Nick, He loves
you.”
“Somehow, that doesn’t comfort me. “
Kevin finally stopped, grabbing Nick
to do the same. Their eyes met. “Listen to me, I know this is hard. I know
you’re scared. I am too, for you. I know how you are, and what you’re thinking.
You’ve been blessed Nick, so much. God doesn’t hate you. I wish I had the
answers to why this is happening to you. I wish I could take it away, solve it
the way I did all your problems when you were fifteen and your biggest one was
homesickness or a girl in your hotel room. I feel like I’m failing because
something’s out to destroy you…and this time...” Kevin paused, regaining his
composure. “…this time I can’t stop it.”
The two embraced for what Nick knew
had to be the fiftieth time that night. Not that he minded. If anything, it
soothed him. “You can’t fix everything.”
“And not everything is about trying to
make you fail.”
Nick took a deep breath, trying to
relax and failing. “Figures it would take this to make us learn those two
things.” He joked weakly.
The two walked together once more,
silence rising to greet them. Both were lost within pensive thoughts, trying so
fiercely to come to grips that reality had to provide. Nick knew that Kevin was
trying to be brave then, for his own sake. He appreciated it. In the end, it
was so easy for Nick to break down now, to just let himself crumble. The
stability Kevin so naturally provided was like a soothing drug for his pain. It
was selfish, to want Kevin to push his own feelings aside because it made him
feel better. Still, he couldn’t help himself.
“This is just so damn hard.”
“It’s never going to be easy anymore.
I know accepting that won’t be easy, but you can fight it. Leave your mark
behind, like you said you wanted to do. With the fellas, with music, with the
world.”
“How? How can I make everyone remember
me for something other than the way my brain’s gonna rot?” Nick demanded, a new
burst of anger rising.
“Your solo album, you said you put it
off for the new group album right? Go back to it. Make one last album with the
guys too. Make that green foundation you’ve been wanting to do. Go out there,
and do everything you wanted to do. No regrets.
Even if there are…” Kevin smiled sadly, “You won’t remember them.”
Another round of silence as Nick was
thrust back into his thoughts. All he’d been thinking about was how to say
goodbye to the few he loved. Could he really find a way to say goodbye to the
world as well? Could he really make this into something where he finally would
leave his mark? He glanced up at ever rising sun. The hotel could be seen just
a couple blocks away cast in a mix of shadows and light as the sky changed
hues. “Kevin…”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you always have to make so
much sense?”
The two simply laughed, and right
then, it felt good to do so.
****
As Nick walked through the halls, he
realized he really wasn’t tired. Insomnia was slipping in his life more and
more. Whether or not that was just yet another problem to add to the list, or
if he was just afraid to waste more time by sleeping, he wasn’t sure. So rather
than head back to his hotel room, he decided to do something different.
The day itself was going to be a
flashback to simpler days, and part of his plan to fool them all into thinking
he was okay once more. He was going to take Kevin’s advice on how to keep the
others from questioning him too much. To act as normal and carefree as he
could. It would throw them all off their current track of concern, and maybe
even fool Brian. He needed the escape that the fellas not knowing provided. It
was distraction from reality, all of it. Distraction for him in that moment,
and what he hoped to be memories that distracted them in the future from the
helpless man Nick would one day become.
So, he decided to start with the
easiest one to rile up.
Nick smirked as he stood over Howie,
sleeping in his hotel room. It hadn’t taken much to get a key from the girl
down stairs. All he had to do was turn on the Carter charm, give her a smirk
and then a smile, and bam! He had a hotel key for Howie’s room. He debated how
he wanted to wake him up, for Nick had a gift for pranking Howie in every way
imaginable over the years. However, he wanted to bond with him that day, since
they had it off. It was part of Nick’s plan to make up for all the stuff he’d
put them through over the years.
In the end, he decided to go with the
classics.
He leaned over Howie, who looked so
peaceful in his rest. Nick knew, that really, Howie was just begging to be
awoken deep down inside. He leaned over, got really close to his face…and
licked it as slobbery as he could. Howie’s eyes shot open, and he reached for Nick
angrily as he dodged out of the way.
“Damn dude you still taste like hot sauce!”
“NICKOLAS GENE CARTER!”
“Good morning Howie!” He grinned
cheekily.
“You are a dead man walking!” Howie
leapt off the bed, trying to grab Nick furiously.
“Shit!” Nick ran out of the room, with
Howie in hot pursuit wearing only boxers.
“I’m gonna keeeeeeeeeeeel you!”
“Calm down! I just wanted to bond!”
“Oh we’re gonna bond alright! Get back
here Carter!” Nick slammed the buttons on the elevator at the end of the hall.
With a glance back, he saw Howie was getting too close so he dodged to the
right. AJ stepped off the elevator when it opened, only to be shoved back into
it by Howie as he passed. Nick was enjoying himself as he giggled running away
from Howie. Telling Kevin, as painful as it’d been had taken a huge weight off
his chest. It made him able to give the others the memories he wanted to before
his mind went. It allowed him to let go and have fun. To give him the moments
where he actually let himself forget about his crippling disease.
That was if Howie didn’t kill him
first.
“Howie, now just calm down. Come on,
people would kill to have me lick them!”
“Well now I’m gonna kill you for
licking me awake. How’s that for fun irony!”
“Aren’t you supposed to be Sweet D?!”
Nick cried as he made another random turn, heading for the stairs.
“Not around you!”
“Come on! It was funny!”
“It’s gonna be funny when I go Puerto
Rican on your ass!”
Brian was humming as he walked down the
halls, a breakfast tray in hand from downstairs. He looked to be in a better
mood than the day before. Perhaps it was simply because he thought it was a
nice day out. Maybe it was because he thought Kevin would straighten out
whatever was wrong with Nick. Nick wouldn’t be able to find out actually, cause
in his flee from Howie, he chanced a glance backwards to see the closeness of
his pursuer. Because of this, he hadn’t seen Brian until he tripped. He flew
forward, landing on Brian and causing the tray of food to fly through the air.
Orange juice, cereal, and grapefruit rained upon them happily. Nick gave a
cheesy grin at Brian as his face dripped with orange juice, his hair now matted
against his forehead. Brian stared at Nick, bits of frosted flakes sprinkled
along his thinning hair.
“Good morning Brian!”
Brian cracked up, pushing Nick off him
playfully. “Do I want to know?”
“Um…I’m innocent. That’s all you need
to know.” The two stood and Nick ducked behind the shorter man. His actions
were playful as Howie headed their way.
“Why do I not believe that?”
“Oh come on Frick! I’m always
innocent!” The two laughed as Nick put a slice of grapefruit on Brian’s head.
“You look yummy by the way.”
“I’m magically delicious!” The two
cracked themselves up even more. Even Howie, in his blind rage, was forced to
stop and laugh when he caught sight of the two blondes.
Nick for the moment, felt completely
content for the first since he’d been diagnosed.
***