Chapter 13
When are we going to be there? We have been riding for so long and I still feel
like we have gotten nowhere. The roads all look similar and it's hard to tell
if we are going in the right direction. No one else seems to care though. they
seem to be enjoying the thought of NEVER reaching our destination. I just want
to get there and get back to my wife, my family, my life. Things in this car
seem so trivial, so small compared to the life I lead now. This is a business
trip for me. Nothing more. I'm not sure when it happened but it did. For every
silly joke or memory, I feel myself getting more eager to move on...
"Brian, you have been so quiet. Say something!" AJ demands of me. I
would love to but that would detract from the reason we are here in the first
place. I just nod my head.
"There isn't much to say"
"Oh Rok, I'm sure you can think of something! come on, you have barely
said two words since this trip started."
"What do you want me to say AJ?" I am disappointed by the level of
sarcasm I hear in my voice.
"I don't know man, just say something" He answers, sounding
defensive.
"Okay than, I'm mad that we have been driving around for hours and are
still not even close to this stupid place we are going!"
"Relax Brian, I'm sure we are almost there! But until we get there, just
try and relax. Think of this as a vacation." Kevin grips my shoulder as he
talks to me and for some reason it only raises my level of agitation.
"This is NO vacation people! This is work. Make no mistake about
that!"
Silence.
"Brian, when did this start to be just a job to you?" Nick asked so
hesitantly and quietly he sounded like the thirteen year old I met such a long
time ago.
I wasn't sure how to answer his question. I really don't know when I started to
find this anything but fun. Maybe the endless hours of practice. Maybe the
endless magazine covers portraying us as pretty boys, maybe the endless lying
and backstabbing that come with this business. Maybe having to spend my whole
life with the same four people. Who knows. It wasn't fun anymore. Not in the
least....
"I don't know Nick, things change." I felt him staring at me but I
refused to look and see.
"Why? Why did they change? Are we so hard to be around that we make you
miserable?"
"Oh don't start that Nick, not now. It's not the right time."
"It never is" He said barely a whisper.
I try to block them out at that point. If I could've closed my eyes I would
have. I just stared at the open road hoping to find the exit we were looking
for. No one spoke. I kind of liked it that way. I felt all eyes on me though.
Stinging through the back of my chair and hitting my heart. I can't help the
way I feel. I wish it were different for me. It's not...
"Maybe we should talk about this now, I mean why wait until we get there.
I know we're all thinking about it so why not start now?" I decide to
start our meeting early. What's the sense of putting it off?
"Okay, that's fine Brian. Why don't you go first? I have a feeling you
already know what you want to say!" Howie hissed those words at me and I
wanted to take back all the things I had just said.
"Let's wait"
"No, obviously you have things on your mind so go ahead. Get them out.
We're listening." Kevin said sounding as angry as Howie.
"Okay..fine. Well, I just don't think we should do this anymore. We have
been through so much together. Why bother continuing. I just think this has
taken us as far as we could go. That's how I feel anyway."
Silence.
"Does anyone else feel this way?" Howie asked sounding almost afraid
of the possible answer.
"Sometimes" I looked over at Kevin and felt a little relief that I
wasn't the only one. Relief but also a sadness.
"Sometimes I feel like Brian. That we have done all we can do as the BSB.
We have been together so long, it's been such a terrific ride. Maybe it's time
to end it. Maybe"
Silence.
"What about the two of you?" He asked AJ and Nick. I still refused to
make eye contact with anything but the road.
"I want to keep going" AJ said with a definite and sure tone to his
voice. "I mean don't get me wrong, sometimes I just want this all to go
away, but I am a Backstreet Boy. I don't know how to be anything else."
Silence.
"Brian?" Great another question from Nick.
"Yup?"
"Would you be happier in this group if I were to leave?" Out of the
corner of my eye I saw Kevin look at Nick and then glare at me.
"Nick that wouldn't be the answer. I'm sure Brian doesn't want you to
leave the group to make HIS life easier." How does Kevin know what would
make my life easier?..
"Nick, do you want to leave the group? If you do please don't use me as an
excuse," I sounded so insensitive. There was a time not too long ago, when
a statement like that from Nick would have made me pull him into an embrace.
What happened to us? I didn't have to ask it because he did.
"What happened to us?"
Silence.
"No, Brian I don't want to leave this group. See unlike you, I see this as
my family. This isn't work. Being at home with my family is work. Being on the
road solo is work. You guys aren't work. You are the ones I go to when I need
to be lifted up."
"Why go solo then?" This time I did look at him. When he didn't
answer I shifted my gaze back to the road.
"What about you Howie?" Kevin asked. I don't know why he bothered. We
all knew what his answer was going to be.
"I want us to stay together. I have worked to hard to let you piss this
group away." I laughed despite the situation. It was so rare for Howie to
say anything remotely vulgar. Hearing him use the word piss just cracked me up.
He looked up angry but luckily I wasn't the only one laughing. Nick had cracked
up too.
"What is so funny?" He directed the question at Nick but I answered
it anyway.
"Because you said piss!" Nick and I said at the EXACT same time.
Using the exact same inflections in our voices. We laughed again this time
having Kevin and AJ join in.
"Well, I'm glad you find my desperation so funny jerks!" I didn't
have to turn around to know that he was smiling.
"Aw, poor Howie" AJ said in his mocking gay guy voice, " Let me
kiss and make it better!"
"Shut up J you are gross!"
More laughter.
"So what now?" Kevin asked after the laughter finally died down.
No one answered the question because I think the answer vexed us.
"It's just not fun for me anymore. I don't know why but I feel trapped
sometimes. Like if I don't get out soon, I never will." I said with a
calmer demeanor.
"Would that be so bad?" D asked.
"I don't know" I confessed. It's true I don't know anymore. I didn't
enjoy this but I still enjoyed them. All of them. We are connected.
"We are connected Brian" Nick said stretching over and putting his
hand on my shoulder.
"I know" I said just looking forward. Then I saw it. The exit we are
supposed to turn off of.
"There it is.... Finally!" I say as I turn down the road.
"Well, it shouldn't be too much longer now," Howie said as he
slouched back down in his chair.
That made me sad.
***