Chapter 21

I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry. For God’s sake, Sienna, do a better job of holding it together, Sienna scolded herself. She sat on a hospital bed wearing a thin, papery gown that made her feel more naked than she’d ever felt in her life. Including the last month and a half, her mind whispered. Sienna squeezed her eyes shut, desperate to silence that voice that kept reminding her of the horrors she’d survived.

Survived, she reminded herself. She’d survived whatever Scott had thrown at her and was still alive. She couldn’t let him destroy her life, but she was terrified that he already had. Why else had she felt the need to scream and tear herself out of her husband’s hold? She’d felt trapped but not by the love she’d expected to feel comforted by. Instead of seeing safety when she’d seen Brian, she’d seen a man. Another man who could hurt her just as Scott had. Though she told herself she was being hysterical, she wasn’t sure that she could be near a male at the moment.

When the knock came, Sienna looked up, relieved that someone was coming to prevent her from driving herself crazy in her own mind.

“Hi,” Regan greeted her gently as she entered the room.

Sienna sighed. Agent Daniels had saved her, had gotten hurt doing so, and Sienna couldn’t be more thankful for it. She tried to smile but was afraid it had come off looking more like a grimace.

“I have to thank you again,” she whispered. Her throat felt raw and bruised as the rest of her body did. Trying to ignore the constant ache that had taken up residence between her legs, she focused on Regan’s face and voice.

“Sienna, you don’t have to thank me,” Regan reminded her as she pulled a chair closer to the bed. “I was doing my duty, and I helped out a friend, bringing his family home.” She took in Sienna’s tangled hair, the bruises, and the petrified look in her eyes. She looked haunted and ready to give up, Regan thought. Sympathy stirred, and she placed a gentle hand on Sienna’s. “I’m going to have to keep doing my duty, though. I have to ask you to recount everything that happened when you were with Scott. Everything from the moment the glass was broken in your home to the moment I walked into the kitchen.”

“Everything?” As horrifying as it had been to live through the last weeks, Sienna didn’t think she would live through a retelling of them. She shook her head. “Please, I can’t do it. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Regan squeezed her hand lightly. “Sienna, I know it’s going to hurt. And I know you’re terrified, but you have to try. It’s the only way you can start to get over it. If you can look back at the past and not let it haunt you.” When Sienna continued to shake her head, Regan hated herself for pressing her on. “I know you want to return to the way things were with your kids, with Brian, and the only way you’ll get over your fear is to say it out loud. To face it head on. Come on,” she coaxed her. “The woman I’ve heard so much about was never described as being fearful. I know you can do this.”

Face the fear head-on? She had to recount every time Scott had…Sienna squeezed her eyes shut. How could she say those things out loud? It shamed her, though she knew the blame was on Scott’s head, but it still shamed her to know she hadn’t fought hard enough to prevent it from happening. Maybe, maybe Regan was right, the little voice in her head spoke up. Maybe she had to repeat it out loud. To relive it out loud in order to make things right. In order to be able to see Brian as the man she loved, not one she was afraid of for simply being a man.

She opened her eyes and grasped Regan’s hand firmly. “I’m going to try, but I can’t promise you that I won’t fall apart in the middle.”

“It’s okay,” Regan reassured her. “Did you want anyone else hear to help you, to be there? Brian?” she asked gently, wanting to see the extent of the damage Scott had inflicted.

The terror in Sienna’s eyes answered her question. “No, please. If Livvy’s out there, could you ask her to be here? And my aunt, Lucy. Please.”

“I’ll be right back,” Regan murmured.

When the other women had assembled in the room, with Liv sitting at the foot of the bed and Lucy Roberts settled at Sienna’s side with a hand on her niece’s shoulder, Regan turned to Sienna.

“Okay. I’m going to ask you to start from the very beginning, whether you saw Scott first or you heard the breaking of the glass. Either way, I need you start with what happened on February 20, 2007 and end with today. You can do it, Sienna,” Regan added.

Sienna took a shaky breath, then another. “AJ was over that day,” she began. “We were sitting in the sunroom and watching the babies as they started to fall asleep. I had taken the day off for Brian’s birthday, my own personal celebration,” she remembered. “I decided to take a nap, and the next thing I knew, I heard glass shattering…”

Half an hour later, Regan sat back, shaken. Never in her life had she ever thought that she would be able to justify taking another’s life, but she was viciously pleased that she’d killed Scott. He’d done more damage to Sienna than Regan could have imagined when she’d first looked into the other woman’s eyes and seen the fear, the damaged look that accompanied abuse. Halfway through the retelling, Sienna’s face had been covered by tears while her aunt and best friend had been unable to prevent themselves from weeping. Though she’d thought her own heart hardened, Regan had fought to remain objective. Now that Sienna had recounted everything, Regan knew the hard part would begin.

She stood, turning off the recorder she had used. “I’m sorry all this happened, Sienna. I can assure you that the recovery process is not as bad as the past, but, if you ever need anything, you can always call me.”

Sienna nodded, brushing tears away from bruised eyes. “Thank you for everything you’ve done to help my children and me.” She paused. “Before you go, could I—could I talk to you. Alone,” she added with an apologetic look at the two women who sat on the bed with her.

Liv stood and hugged Sienna. “If I could go back five years ago, I would kill him before he even left the restaurant that night,” she whispered fiercely.

Sienna couldn’t help but smile. “I love you, Livvy. Thanks for always being here,” she added, holding onto the hug a bit longer.

When she let go, Sienna turned to her aunt. “I’m sorry you had to sit through and listen to it all, but thank you for loving me enough to do this.”

Lucy shook her head. “Honey, I’ve loved you since you were born. You’re like my own child, so, of course, I’d be here when you need me.” She pressed a kiss to her niece’s forehead. “I’m going to go see how everyone out there is holding up,” she told Sienna.

“Tell them I love them,” Sienna replied. Her aunt nodded and left, and Sienna turned back to Regan. “You know what happened. All of it. So I’m supposed to be able to start recovering now?”

Regan sat again. “It’s not going to be as easy as it is said. You’re going to have nightmares, and you’ll wish you had just died so you wouldn’t have to live through it in your head over and over again. And it’s going to kill Brian to stand by and not kill your demons for you,” she finished, trying not to remember her own nightmares and demons.

Sienna’s hands trembled as she pressed one to her swollen jaw. “How do you know that?”

Regan held Sienna’s gaze. “Because it happened to me. Nine years ago for a period of six months,” she whispered. Then, her voice strengthening, she added, “But I got through it and managed to move on. You will get through this, Sienna. It might not seem that way, now. But the nightmares will disappear, and, while you won’t forget it, you’ll be able to breathe again.”

Sienna nodded. “Okay. I—I’m sorry that you went through that, too. But, I—all I’ve wanted for the last six weeks is to be home and safe. I’m going to go home, soon, I know,” she spoke quickly now. “But it’s not going to be the way it was before. When Brian held me earlier, I was terrified. How can I be that terrified of my husband?” she wondered guiltily.

Regan reached out and squeezed her hand. “I couldn’t date anyone or even sit near a man in classes at college for a long time after it happened. It’s understandable that you’re afraid of another man right now. After all, it was a man that hurt you.”

“But he’s Brian, he’s my husband. I love him, but it terrifies me to think about being held by him or, God, making love with him again,” Sienna tried to explain the fear plaguing her.

“Don’t think about it, then. Give yourself time. He doesn’t know the full extent of what happened, and he’s going to need to know. Once he does, it’ll hurt him, too, but he’ll be able to be better equipped to take care of you. Even if that means keeping his distance from you.”

How could she tell Brian? Sienna wondered. Regan was right, it would kill him. But, selfish though it may be, she needed him to not touch her because it scared the hell out of her.

“I know this is going to sound like the coward’s way out, but can you tell him what happened?” Sienna asked. “Can you tell him that I need space? That I don’t want to hurt him because I love him so much, but I need time to rebuild myself. Can you tell him that?”

Knowing it would be difficult to do, Regan nodded. “I can. But, I have to tell you, you’re going to have to talk to him eventually. Tell him how you feel, too. He loves you, and he’s going to be able to help you through this. If you don’t tell him, you’re going to drift apart. I’ve seen it happen, Sienna, which is why I’m telling you that, no matter how hard things may get, you need to keep talking to him.”

Sienna nodded. “Okay. I will. Thank you, Regan.” She frowned when she noted the way Regan kept unconsciously pressing her hand to her upper left arm. “Did you get your injury checked out and stitched up?”

Regan dropped her hand. “Uh, I—no,” she admitted. “I wanted to get things taken care of, first. I’ll go get it checked now. I’ll come back to see how you are soon.” She started for the door then turned back when Sienna called her.

“Can you tell me when you got over it? When you got over what happened to you?”

Regan nodded, realizing she had to admit it to herself, too. “When I met AJ. Without knowing it, I was able to be comfortable around him, and being with him finally helped me get past it. It doesn’t always take as long as it took me,” she told Sienna. “But it won’t happen overnight, either.”

“Thanks. And, Regan, I’m happy for you and AJ. I always wondered who he’d end up with, and I’m glad it’s someone I can trust and like.”

Tell her you’re leaving when this is done! Regan’s mind screamed. Tell her you’re a coward and can’t stay. Can’t face up to what you can have! But she couldn’t, so she simply smiled and, promising to return later, she stepped into the hallway, looking around for someone who might be able to stitch her up.

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