Chapter 8

Do I gotta stand in the cold dark night

'Til the morning light, yeah
Do I have to say I won't let you get away
You know I can't go on living like we do
Do I have to cry for you, yeah

Kara and Serena giggled over the building blocks they played with on the floor of the playroom Brian and Sienna had decorated and stocked with every toy they thought their daughters would enjoy. Brian watched them from the doorway and smiled at how quickly they were growing. It seemed like it had only been a few days since he had held onto Sienna as she gave birth to them. Somehow, it had become over a year and a half and they had grown into two, healthy, playful girls.

Sienna came up behind him and rested her chin on his shoulder. “They’re amazing, aren’t they?” she murmured to him. “Every time I watch them, it’s that much more amazing to think that we created them. That they came from us.”

“From our love,” Brian added. He kissed the tip of her nose. “Luke’s sleeping?”

She smiled and linked her arm through his. “Yeah, I just had to feed him and off he went. I think he’s finally throwing off that cold that we’re worried about,” she told him.

“Yeah?” Brian sighed, relieved. “I was afraid we’d have to take him back to the doctor and say that the medicine wasn’t working. He’s breathing easier now?”

Sienna nodded. “Yup, which is why he was able to fall asleep more quickly this time.” She glanced over as Kara and Serena began to throw the blocks at each other. “Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise,” she grinned at him and went to break up the twins’ fight.

Brian watched his family, happy that they were all safe and healthy. He’d believed them to be lost to him, but he was content to know that they were back where he could take care of them. He never wanted to leave them again, not even for the music he loved. He had yet to tell Sienna about his plans to stop singing professionally. He didn’t think she’d be happy with it, but she would come to understand that it was for the best. He didn’t want anything to happen to them again, and, by staying close to them, he could ensure that nothing would.

As he watched them, the sunlight streaming in through the windows seemed to grow and blind him. He could no longer see Sienna and the girls, and their voices were growing distant. Panic filling him, he stepped into the room only to find a hole in the floor. As he fell, he called for them, desperate to hold onto them.

***

Brian woke calling for Sienna and realized that he wasn’t in the playroom or his own bedroom. He was in a bed in the guestroom next to the one he’d given Kelly the night before, and his family was still missing. The moonlight was streaming in through the open curtains, and the shirt he wore was soaked through with sweat.

Yanking the shirt over his head, he rolled out of bed and walked over to the suitcase of clothes Holly had sent back to him when he’d cancelled the rest of the tour. Pulling it open, he realized that he’d run through all the clothing that he’d packed. Knowing that he had no choice but to go back to his own room for clothing, he panicked. He hadn’t managed to open the door earlier, how could he do it now while the remnants of that dream were still floating through his hazy mind?

Brian stepped into the hallway and shivered—not from the cold, he knew, but from the idea of going back to a place that reminded him of his wife. Reaching the door at the end of the hall, he placed a hand on the doorknob. Once he pushed it open, Brian knew, he’d have to go through and see the traces of Sienna everywhere. His favorite part about their room had been the fact that he could smell the fragrant perfume she wore every time he stepped into the room. The scent had become permanently imprinted in his mind and would always remind him of home.

“Brian?”

He jumped and turned around. “Oh, jeez! Kelly, you nearly killed me there!” He took in her pajama-clad figure and sleep-tousled eyes and hair. “What are you doing up?”

Her brow furrowed. “I heard you yell, so I thought maybe you’d had a nightmare. When I came into the hallway, I saw you standing here. Are you okay?”

Brian glanced back at the door then looked at her again. “Honestly? No. I haven’t managed to open the door to my room and go into it, yet. I’m afraid to,” he whispered.

She stepped forward and placed a hand on his arm. “Brian, I know you don’t want to go in there because you’re afraid of the memories, right?” When he nodded, she went on. “The thing is, if you go inside and face them, it’ll be easier. Seriously. I think it might even comfort you, remembering all the things you and Sienna talked about and shared in there. The things you’re going to share again when she gets home,” she added firmly.

Brian nodded and placed his hand on the knob again. “Kelly?” he asked with his back to her.

“Yeah?”

“Just wait out here for me, okay?”

“I will,” she promised and he stepped into the room.

Her scent hit him as he had known it would, and Brian stood absorbing it, remembering all the times he’d watched Sienna dab it on in the morning. She would be telling him everything that needed to be accomplished that day and something about the babies, while he would sit on the bed and watch her scent herself. Afterwards, he’d hook an arm around her waist and nuzzle her, so he could catch the fragrance and hold onto it for the rest of the day. She’d always laugh and say that she’d smell like him now, but he knew she enjoyed being close to him, too.

Accepting the memory, Brian opened his eyes and headed towards the dressing table, which was closest to him. Her jewelry was spread across the top as though she had dug through it that last day in order to find just the right thing to wear. He fingered the emerald and pearl choker he’d given her for their first anniversary and tried not to think of how happy they’d been that night.

Looking up at the mirror, he could see their bed behind him. Remembering the last night they’d been together, two days before she and their children had been taken, his knees nearly buckled. How long, he wondered, how long would they be out there without him knowing where to find them? How long would they spend in captivity with a nameless, faceless captor? His hands fisted as he wished he could pound the closest object, while knowing he couldn’t destroy something to bring them back.

Tears blinding him, he stumbled towards the bed and collapsed on it.

***

Kelly stood in the hall outside the master bedroom Brian had gone into and waited for him to come out and tell her it was okay. That he was okay going in there and facing what was currently lost to him. When she heard the heart-wrenching sobs, she rushed into the room and found him curled into a ball on the bed. Her heart broke for him as she took in his tear-streaked face. The sobs sounded as though they came from some deep, dark place within him that had simply been storing them for too long. Which, Kelly supposed, they probably were.

She reached the bed and, smoothing open one of his fists, held onto his hand, waiting for the sobs to subside. She wished she could make his pain disappear, that she could miraculously find his family and bring them home. Knowing she could do neither, Kelly simply held onto him.

Several minutes later, Brian dragged himself into a sitting position and looked over at her. “Thanks,” he whispered. “Thank you for being here. It was just too much,” he tried to explain, but she shook her head.

“Brian, it’s okay. You’re allowed to cry, and I’m supposed to hold your hand. Like I told you, it’s what I would do for any friend of mine,” she told him.

“Still,” he murmured, then patted the space beside him. “You might as well climb up here. I don’t think I can budge, and I think I’ve interrupted your sleep beyond repair.”

Shaking her head, Kelly sat next to him. “It’s okay. Most nights, I’m an insomniac anyway, so it’s not such a big deal. Did coming in here make you feel any better?”

Brian sighed. “One step at a time. I think it should be my motto, right now. It’s difficult because I can smell her in here—the perfume she wore. Her jewelry on the dresser, knowing if I open the closet, her clothes will be there. It all brings back how much I could lose if they’re not found. And that’s just Sienna,” he added. “I don’t know how long it’ll be before I get enough courage to go into the nursery or the playroom.”

“Like you said, one step at a time, Bri. Don’t rush yourself,” she advised. “So, do you want to tell me why I heard you scream? Nightmare?” she wondered.

Brian nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I dreamed that they were back and safe. I was watching the twins play in the playroom and Sienna stood with me. We were talking about how lucky we were with our children. Luke was recovering from a cold, so we talked about that. The twins started arguing over building blocks, and she went in to take care of them. After that, the sunlight got too bright and I couldn’t see anything or hear them. When I tried to go into the room, I fell through a hole, which is when I woke up.”

Kelly squeezed his hand, comfortingly. “They’ll be home, soon. Regan’s going to find something and it’ll all click into place. Hang onto that faith of yours, Bri. And try to get some sleep, too,” she added.

He shook his head. “I can’t close my eyes,” he murmured. “If I close my eyes, I’m afraid I’m going to have a nightmare again. I can’t sleep,” he whispered again.

“What if I stayed with you?” she asked him. “Would you try to sleep if I stayed with you while you slept?”

Brian looked at her. “You’d do that?”

“Of course, I would,” she smiled. “I just want you to get sleep because you’re starting to look like the walking dead.”

“Ha ha,” Brian mumbled. “Okay,” he told her. “Just stay until I fall asleep, okay? I’m going to try and stay here, tonight. If I can do it now, I can do it tomorrow night, and so on.”

Kelly nodded then helped him crawl under the covers. Holding onto her hand, he gave her a small smile. She brushed a hand over his hair and stretched out next to him.

“Just close your eyes,” she instructed gently.

He obeyed, and she waited until, after several minutes, his breathing grew even. Counting his breathing, though, soon lulled her to sleep next to him.

***

AJ padded down the hall towards the guestroom he knew Brian had been sleeping in for the last two weeks. He pushed the door open and realized that Brian wasn’t there. Looking back down the hall, the open door at the end of the hallway caught his eye. Perhaps, Brian had finally been able to push the door open and go in, AJ thought and headed towards it.

When he reached the doorway, though, the sight greeting him wasn’t what he’d expected and rooted him to the spot. Brian slept peacefully, covered with blankets, and, next to him, Kelly was curled up, her hand in his. Not wanting to know what the hell was going on, AJ headed downstairs and bumped into Regan.

“Sorry,” she murmured as he scowled at her.

“Sure you are,” he grumbled. “You’re always bumping into me, even if it’s not physically. It’s damn annoying having you bumping into me and my thoughts all the time, Agent Daniels.”

Her brows lifted. “Well excuse me, Mr. McLean, I didn’t ask to be in your thoughts. Your thoughts are your own, and, if I am bumping into them, it’s not my fault you’re thinking about me.”

AJ snorted. “Not your fault? Right. You walk around here looking gorgeous, which you have no right to be,” he added. “On top of that, you’re constantly concerned with everything about everyone, and I can’t help but like that about you. Which makes you really annoying and sticks you in my head all the damn time!”

Scowling back at him now, Regan nearly snarled. “Do you want me to be some cold-hearted, self-absorbed, self-important bitch, instead, AJ? Would that make you feel better? Because it sure as hell wouldn’t make anyone else feel better. I’m here to help Brian, not you. Quite frankly, you could go to hell, and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash over it.”

Suddenly drained of his energy, AJ leaned against a wall and ran a hand through his hair wearily. “I don’t know what I want you to be, Regan. I don’t know what I want, anyway. Besides Si and the kids coming home, of course. I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I don’t know what set me off. But the thing is, you make something in me spark, and I can’t figure out why or if I like it. Instead of dealing with it, I try to alienate you further. And it’s not fair to you,” he finished.

Regan sighed, her anger also drained. “It’s okay, AJ. If it makes you feel any better, something in me sparks with you, too. And I don’t know if I like it or not, either. I guess it would just be better to give each other space, huh?”

AJ nodded. “That’s probably best. Besides, Brian’s got nothing but space here, so take as much as you need. I’ll stay out of your way.”

Regan watched him move down the hall towards the kitchen and wondered why, though it made sense to give each other space, she didn’t like the idea at all.

Lyrics from “Do I Have to Cry for You?” Nick Carter

***

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