Epilogue
“Brian,
it’s Mom. Honey, I think it would be
nice if you came over to spend New Year’s Eve with your father and me. We haven’t seen you since Christmas, and I’d
really like it if you came. I love you,
baby duck.”
Beep.
“Hey,
Littrell. It’s Mac. I was just wondering what you’re up to
tonight. Seeing how it’s New Year’s and
all, I’ve got people coming over in a little while. Nothing big.
I think it would be good if you got out of the house and came over. Socialize, you know? Anyway, call me if you’re
coming. See ya soon.”
Beep.
“Hey Mr.
Blues, it’s Kelly. I think it’s kind of
ridiculous if you’re just sitting in the house all alone. It’s New Year’s Eve, and I for one am
celebrating like nobody’s business…Actually, that’s a lie. I’m stuck in bed, but I want you to pick up
the phone and talk to me. I know you’re
there, Brian. If you’re intent on being
alone, please don’t. Call me, let me
know you’re okay. Come on, Brian, don’t
do this.”
Beep.
“Brian,
it’s Shane. I know I’m probably the last
person you want to hear from today, but I’m hoping you come over to your old
place tonight. Si’s having a bunch of
family over, and I think Harry’s coming over, too. I know today’s a hard day, but I think it
would be good if you were here. Si’s not
all rainbows and sunshine either. Call
me please.”
End of final message.
The bottle
sat where it had been sitting for the past several hours, and it was still
full. He’d bought it thinking to drown
everything out, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to drink even a
drop. Both of his phones, the home and
cell, hadn’t stopped ringing since that morning, but he had yet to answer any
of the calls. He could only be thankful
that no one had decided to drop by and barge into his home. He didn’t think he could handle being around
people. Not today.
The flames
rose in the fireplace, and he stared into them absently. He should have been celebrating his second
wedding anniversary, but he hadn’t made it that far. No, his marriage had ended just over a month
ago, and he didn’t think he’d ever bounce back from the loss.
He’d spent
Thanksgiving with his family and Sienna’s.
Everyone had piled into the large dining room in the house he’d given
Sienna as part of the divorce settlement, and, though there was considerable
tension, the dinner had been soothing.
For a moment here and there, he’d been able to forget that he was no
longer really married. True, the divorce
wasn’t finalized yet, but he’d signed the papers signaling its symbolic end.
On
Christmas, Brian had tried to soothe himself again by surrounding himself with
his children and his family, but it hadn’t worked so well. The fact that Sienna had chosen not to come
had worn at his nerves. And, once he’d
added in the envy he’d felt upon hearing AJ and Regan’s wedding plans and
seeing baby Zeke, he’d nearly been a puddle of misery. His family had done their best to cheer him
up, but, here he was, five days later.
Alone.
I tried to pick the pieces up
And I can't think of starting over
We used to share the stars above
I don't wanna think it's changed
But now I gotta move on
I've gotta catch up to the world
Even though I gave you my life
As wrong as it seems
I know it’s right
But is there a place
Where I can go away
To escape the love that I will forever know
It was
over. He knew it was done. Hadn’t he been the one who’d given in and
agreed to the divorce? That had been three months ago, and he was still reeling
from how quickly his life had changed.
It had been
exactly one year ago that Sienna had claimed 2007 would be their year. Everything was supposed to have been
perfect. They’d worked out so many of
their compromises during the first year of their marriage, and the second year
had seemed so bright.
“Oh, God,
why?”
The
question had spun in his mind for so long, but there was still no answer. He wondered if there ever would be, or if God
had ordained that he, Brian Thomas Littrell, was to be alone for the rest of
his life.
Only the
sound of the logs crackling in the fireplace broke the silence in his cottage,
and Brian glanced up at the clock. There
were a few minutes left in the year 2007, and he wondered vaguely how he would
end them. Would he simply sit and stare
at the hearth until he fell asleep or should he toast the beginning of a new
year? Hopefully, he thought without much conviction, it would be one in which
his slate could be wiped clean, allowing him to start over without the pain
following him. But on this last night of
the year, even hope had abandoned him.
The only
things he could even remotely come up with to look forward to were the tour,
which was to start in a little less than two weeks, and being able to watch his
children grow. He no longer had someone
to cheer him on through the triumphs that may await him, someone who loved and
understood who he was down to the core.
The emptiness was unbearable.
Pushing
himself off the couch, he stumbled towards the bottle of champagne he’d bought
for himself when his mood had been bitter and full of reproach at the
world. Take that world! he’d thought.
I’m going to celebrate my fucking
solitude. Who says you need to be in
love and married to be happy?
That mood
hadn’t lasted long, he mused now, uncorking the bottle and pouring a
flute. With the reality of an endless
road of empty days and long, lonely nights stretching before him, Brian’s mood
had gone back to self-pitying and miserable.
“At least I
have fame and fortune,” he murmured into the glass. “And my kids.
Thank God, thank God for my children.” They were the rock he was holding
on to in the tumultuous storm of his personal life. Their futures were the only things he was anticipating
with eagerness.
There was
nothing else. No one else.
When the
grandfather clock in his living room began to chime, Brian lifted his glass to
the midnight sky in a toast. “Happy New
Year.”
Where can we go from here
All I know is that I love you still
Sometimes we do things against our will
I know I cry lonely tears
Where can we go from here...here...here
Why? Why do I cry inside
For love that's gone away
And how?
How can I carry on
When I know all the love is gone
Where can I go to get away
From the pain of loving you
Tell me where
Where can we go from here
All I know is that I love you still
Sometimes we do things against our will
I know I cry lonely tears
Where can we go from here?
Lyrics from “Where Can We Go From Here” Backstreet Boys
***
