Prologue

Every time I breathe I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me drowning in your love

New Year’s Eve, 2006

Lexington, Kentucky

Luke was fussy, but then, at the age of three weeks, it was expected that he’d be a bit fussy. Sienna knew that if he would just fall asleep, he would sleep until morning. She rocked him back and forth and sang a lullaby, hoping that he would go to sleep. Luke had downy, dark gold locks, Brian’s nose, according to Jackie, and green eyes that would probably turn hazel down the line.

Sienna couldn’t help but be proud of him and the twins. Each day, they grew more and more, and the twins delighted Brian whenever they learned to do something new. When they had first taken their steps, Kara before Serena, Brian had had his camcorder ready and videotaped everything. He had managed to be there for those big days, Sienna thought, somehow, even though he had also been touring, too.

Looking up, she saw movement in the doorway and smiled at her husband. Brian motioned that he could take the baby, but Sienna shook her head. Knowing his wife’s innate tenacity, Brian shrugged and left.

He wandered into the large master bedroom at the end of the hallway on the second floor of the sprawling home he and Sienna had bought thirteen months ago. Opening the door, he glanced around to make sure the candles were lit and the sparkling cider was chilling in a bucket. It was their first wedding anniversary, and Brian wanted everything to be perfect. As perfect as the last year had been, he mused.

They had welcomed 2006 with friends and family at their wedding reception, and the following months had been pure bliss. They had taken their six-month-old twin daughters to Disney World for the first six days of the new year, which doubled as a honeymoon for them because the twins would fall asleep early, leaving Brian and Sienna to do as they pleased. When they had returned, Brian had had to fly to meet the guys on the Asian leg of the Never Gone tour. As soon as that had ended, he had taken his own band on a promotional tour of his own album. He had tried to persuade Sienna to bring the girls and come with him, but she had refused to leave the shop.

“I’ve been absent from it too many times, Brian. Touring is your life, and the shop is mine. I know you’ll be great, I just need to be here,” she explained.

Brian was frustrated with this argument. They’d had it at least ten times in two months, and she had yet to cave. “I need to be with you guys,” he told her. “What do you want me to do? Stop my own tour and come home?”

“No,” Sienna replied. “I don’t want you giving up your dreams, I think we just need to compromise. I can’t be the perfect celebrity wife, Brian. We’ve built this life, and, if we’re to keep it going, we need to just agree to disagree.”

“I need you, Sienna,” Brian pleaded.

She sighed. “Do you think I don’t need you?! I love you, Brian! I’m your wife! But I have a career and a responsibility here, too. Please, please can we not do this? Can we just let it go? You'll be done the tour soon,” she reminded him.

“Without my supportive wife?” Brian spat. “Oh yeah, you’re real supportive when you don’t show up to cheer me on. You knew what you were getting into, Sienna! Did you think I would never ask you to come with me?”

“Okay! Okay!” she nearly wept from the burden that came from hurting him and denying herself. “I’ll bring the girls the day before the album release. We’ll be there when you release it, but then I’m going home the next day. Please, Brian. Please just accept this because I can’t give in anymore.”

“Okay,” Brian replied after long moments. “We’re going to have to figure out a better way than this, to solve our problems, Sienna.”

“I know, Brian. I know.”

And they had, Brian thought now. Sienna had come for his solo album’s release in late November, but she had refused to come on the tour that had preceded it. He hadn’t gotten angry, he had simply come to accept it. They were two different people who had their own lives, and he had come to respect that. The shop was her dream and singing was his. He had come to understand her side of it because it hadn’t been so different from his. She had been there for him when he had become frustrated by Provident’s refusal to move the date of his album release up from November to June. He had felt ready, but they hadn’t. When he had gotten angry, Sienna had been there for him, and he had realized that she really was giving their marriage everything. After that, he had been more considerate of his demands on her time and had begun to help out around the shop, too.

Brian understood that the twins needed stability, too, and his touring didn’t allow for that. So, he had shortened his tour and come home as soon as had been possible for him. Sienna had argued that he was hurting his fans, but he told her that they would understand if they knew his reasons. So, she had been happy that he was home and life had moved on.

It had been even easier to come home, Brian mused as he brushed some of the rose petals from the bed onto the floor, because Sienna had found out that she was pregnant in May. It had come as a shock to both of them, but, after the initial surprise, they had been thrilled. And despite his demands that she stay home for the album release because she had been immensely pregnant, she had stuck to her promise and stood by his side through everything. Needless to say, the press had lapped it up.

Brian paused his train of thought to listen, and, sure enough, he heard her footsteps down the hall, and, hurrying out of the room and closing the door behind him, he met her in the hallway.

“Hey,” she smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss.

Brian smiled back. “Hey, back to you, too. Is Luke sleeping?” he asked, glancing down the corridor towards the nursery.

“Yeah, finally. He’s going to sleep until the morning, now. He’s such a good baby, Brian. We’ve been really lucky,” she thought aloud.

Brian scooped her into his arms. “Lucky doesn’t even begin to describe it. ‘God has been so good,’” he began to sing then stopped at the look on her face. “What?”

Sienna shook her head. “Don’t start singing your own songs, please, how much of an ego-boost do you really want?” she rolled her eyes playfully.

“I’ll have you know, Mrs. Littrell,” Brian began, lifting her off her feet and carrying her down the hall, “that I only sing my own songs when they are totally applicable. Such as now.” And he pushed open the door before she could answer back.

Sienna blinked in surprise, and Brian waited for her reaction. He didn’t have to wait long.

“Oh, my god!” she nearly squealed. “Brian Thomas Littrell, you amazing man! Did I ever tell you how much I love you?” She looped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

Brian leaned back, smiling. “Happy Anniversary, baby. I thought we could celebrate the new year and our first anniversary here, alone.”

She raised a brow. “Is that why you had Shane take the twins off to his place?”

Brian smiled sheepishly. “You’re so smart, you Ivy League woman you. I knew there was a reason I married you.”

“Oh, really? You married me for my brains, huh?”

Brian shrugged. “Yeah, I figured if you were smart, then our children would be smart, too. You know, genetics.”

Sienna stared at him, then she began to laugh. “I love you, Brian. I love you more than I did the day we were married. I must be the luckiest woman in the world,” she murmured, bringing his lips to hers again.

Brian framed her face gently with his hands. “I love you more today than I did yesterday,” he murmured. “But less than I will tomorrow,” he added and watched the tears fill her eyes. Brushing them away, he pressed his lips to hers and heard her quiet moan.

Stepping back, he linked arms with her and smiled. “So, there’s a whole bunch of things we could do right now,” he began. “There’s dessert because Livvy sent it over when I told her not to, there’s sparkling cider because you’re not allowed alcohol, or we can do both and just spend quality time together,” he finished.

She smiled up at him. “I like the quality time,” she told him. “It feels like every time I turn around, I have to change a diaper, make a bottle or three, and fix something that went wrong at the shop. All at the same time, too,” she added.

Brian poured the sparkling cider into two flutes and handed one to her. “I’d like to make a toast to you, then,” he said, smiling. “To the woman who has made me the man I am today. The woman who could handle a million things and not mess up. To the woman who has given me three of the most amazing miracles in the world. And finally, to the woman who should be in bed because she had surgery done six days ago, but she won’t stay in bed because she believes the world will fall apart without her,” he finished and tapped his glass with hers.

“Oh, very funny,” Sienna scowled. “I can’t stay in bed anymore because I feel fine.” Then her expression softened. “How about to the man who has changed my life in so many ways that I could never be without him for the rest of mine because I would not be the woman I am today without him?”

Brian grinned. “I like that.” And they tapped their glasses to it.

***

Later, after the ball had dropped in Times Square and they had toasted the new year, Brian lifted the champagne flute from her hand and set it on the bedside table.

Sienna smiled lazily. “Last year was incredible. I don’t think I would have had it any other way.” A frown creased her face. “Except maybe one.” And her hand moved toward her lower belly.

Brian brushed her hand aside and lightly traced the bandage that was visible between the tops of her pajama pants and the hem of her top.

“How is it feeling?” he murmured.

Sienna shifted a little. “About as good as it should feel when you’ve had a vital organ removed from your body,” she said flatly.

Brian sighed. “Baby, it’s not your fault. It was better for you to get the hysterectomy than to be damaged inside for who knows how long.”

Luke Aidan Littrell had been born nearly a month early—in breach position. One morning, Sienna had woken to pain and bleeding and had panicked, remembering the time she had miscarried their first child. Terrified that the same thing was going to happen again, Brian had driven her to the hospital where they had found she had placenta abrupta, where the placenta had been torn away from the uterus wall. The result? Sienna had had to undergo surgery under precarious conditions—the doctors hadn’t been sure if the baby would survive. Fortunately, Luke had been born, monitored, and had been perfectly fine.

On Christmas Eve, a week and a half after Brian had brought Sienna and Luke home, Sienna had begun to have massive pain in her abdomen again, so they had rushed her to the emergency room. After various tests, they found that her uterine lining had not healed properly, and doctors agreed that it was permanently damaged. If they left it alone, it would eventually get worse and might lead to uterine cancer. Brian had argued with Sienna for hours, and, finally, they had decided to undergo the hysterectomy.

Suddenly, Sienna sat up and met his blue eyes with hazel ones. “You know what my problem is, Brian?” she asked him seriously.

“What?” Brian wondered, a little confused.

Sienna brushed her hand through her hair. “Do you think I’m a practical woman?” At his nod, she continued. “I think, as a practical woman, it would be obvious that the hysterectomy was the best thing to do. Unfortunately,” she sighed, “the not so practical part of me feels as though I’m less of a woman, now. I feel like I’ve failed somehow,” she ended and looked down at her hands.

Brian tipped her chin up gently. “Sienna, you didn’t fail. Don’t ever think that. We have all the children we need, so God had a greater plan in mind. Besides, do you think it would have been better to be in pain and have it develop into cancer down the line? God, Sienna,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers, “do you think I would have made it if something had happened to you?”

She blinked the sudden tears out of her eyes and tried to smile. “No, just like I would never make it if something happened to you.” She shook her head. “Why are we talking about this, now? It’s done, it’s over. I just have to stop feeling so tired all the time and get better. I’ll be fine,” she promised him.

Brian grinned. “I know. You’re a survivor,” he reminded her, wrapping his arms around her and leaning back against the pillows.

“Anyway,” she continued, “last year was crazy and incredible. We had Luke, watched the twins grow, your album is doing well, both tours were fantastic, Kevin and Kristin had a son, and, now, Howie and Livvy are expecting their first child.” She smiled at him. “I’d say that’s a pretty good year all in all, right?”

Brian nodded. “Oh, absolutely. About the only thing to go wrong was Marlena kicking Shane out. Which I still don’t understand, by the way,” he added. Sienna sighed.

After living together for over a year, Marlena, Sienna’s employee and good friend, had finally called it quits with Shane, Sienna’s cousin. She had told him that she couldn’t handle him being out all the time, all over the world, and his constant partying. Though he had never done any wrong, Marlena hadn’t been able to handle his constant absence, which had gnawed at her heart. Sienna understood the feeling, but, when she had tried to explain that a compromise was the best way to go, Marlena had informed her that there was no way they could have compromised because it would have meant that Shane would have to stop the photography he loved so much.

Shane, on the other hand, had been heartbroken. He had loved Marlena, and, even after she had broken up with him, he continued to love her. Lately, he had taken to moping around, stopped partying, and would offer to babysit the children of his siblings or Kara and Serena, Brian and Sienna’s daughters. He had moved into the cottage Sienna had lived in before her marriage and would only leave town to go for photo shoots. Sienna knew that Marlena was “the one” for Shane, and she believed that Marlena still had feelings for him. In the three months since they had split, Sienna had never heard Marlena mention another man or look anything but saddened. She knew that it wasn’t her place to interfere, but she hoped that Marlena would realize her mistake.

Shaking it off, Sienna smiled at Brian. “I don’t think we should worry about them, right now,” she told him and tried to stifle a yawn.

Brian grinned. “Baby, you’re going to fall asleep talking. I think it’s about time we went to sleep, anyway. I promised Shane I’d pick the girls up at nine.”

Sienna stretched a little. “Okay, you’re probably right.”

“Of course, I am. Have you learned nothing yet, woman?” Brian said, haughtily.

Sienna hit him with a pillow. “Oh, pipe down. You’re preventing my beauty sleep.”

Brian raised a brow. “Uh-huh. Okay. Oh, wait!” he stopped her. “Did you take your medicine?” At her groan, he frowned. “Honey, how are you going to get better and not be in pain if you don’t take your medicine?”

Shaking his head, he walked into the bathroom, took out the three different pills she had to take daily for a month, and, pouring a glass of water, carried them back to her. After she had dutifully taken the medicine, but not before she had made a face at him, he crawled back into the bed with her, wrapping his arms around her.

Sienna snuggled into him. “This is good,” she murmured, sleepily. “I have a feeling about this year, Brian. 2007 is going to be our year.”

Brian kissed her forehead. “Yeah,” he whispered as he listened to her breathing even out as she drifted into sleep. He turned off the lamp and looked down at the face that had become so precious to him in the darkened room. “2007 will be our year.”

Lyrics from “Drowning” Backstreet Boys

***

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