Chapter 15
I could sense him there beside me before I even opened my eyes. I could
feel his warm hands embracing mine, our fingers interlaced and our palms sweaty
against one another. His warm breath on the back of my arm coupled with his
soft snores let me know that he was sleeping there in the chair next to my bed,
his head resting beside my body.
I opened my eyes slowly and waited a few seconds for the room to stop
spinning. The medication had worked wonders at helping me relax but the after
effects were not nearly as pleasant. I waited a few more moments before peering
around the room to take in my suroundings. It was dark now, the window shades
drawn and the clock radio on the bedside stand read 9:45 pm. He must have
turned on the radio before he fell asleep because it was tuned to my favorite
station, 92.9 The Bear, and the sounds of Kenny Chesney filled the air. He was
singing about "having another beer in Mexico"-- I wished I was. Nick
had tried many times throughout our relationship to introduce me to hip hop and
rap, and I listened to those with him occasionally, but I would always be a
country girl at heart.
I reached over with my free hand and hit the button on my bed to turn
on the lamp before glancing over at the sight of him sleeping there beside me.
I reached out and ran my fingers through his blonde hair... I loved his hair...
and he began to stir. I took my hand away as he released his grip on my hands
and rubbed his eyes. After a few moments he finally opened them and looked
around almost as if he'd forgotten where he was. When his eyes came to focus on
mine I smiled at him and he smiled back before wrapping his fingers in mine
once again.
"Hi." I said a bit unsure of what exactly I should say.
"Hi." He said back as he stood and sat facing me on the bed.
And then his eyes began to fill with tears and with a faltering voice he looked
me in the eye and said, "Baby... I should never have left you, I'm
sorry... I'm so, so sorry." And with those words he began to cry.
I watched him for a few seconds crying there in front of me and I knew
deep in my heart that he was telling the truth. I leaned forward and pulled him
to me hugging him tightly and cried with him. "I'm sorry too."
"Baby," he said pulling me away from him, "You have
nothing to be sorry for!"
I couldn't stop crying now. The dam had broken and this was it, it was
time for everything to come spilling out.
"I do!" I sobbed, "I've ruined everything for us! I got
sick and had to have chemo and surgery and now I can't have children and we are
supposed to be getting married and I have to have more chemo and the doctor
said... she said... OH GOD Nick I don't want to die!!" I tried my best to
choke back the sobs but they kept coming. Nick just sat there and looked at me
as I spilled my guts to him and tears rolled down his cheeks.
"It's okay sweetheart. Gracie look at me... everything's going to
be okay."
He held me tightly in his arms and rocked me back and forth for a long
while before we both collapsed onto the pillow in a heap of exhaustion.
We laid in bed together like that for hours, crying, listening to the
music on the radio, just being together with one another.
I didn't need any medication to sleep that night... I was right where I
wanted to be.
***
