Don’t Push the Wed One!

By Kara Mell

“Hey, what ya got there Brian?” Nick asked.

“What, this?” Brian held up a strange device in his hand. It looked like a remote control with a big red button in the middle.

“Remember when we stopped at the gas station this morning?” Brian began…

Earlier that morning, Brian had just stepped outside the gas station’s food mart with some snacks when he spotted a man hurrying to the corner garbage can.

“Hey, what’s that?” Brian asked, eyeing the strange gizmo in the man’s hand.

“Trust me son, you don’t wanna know.” He was about to throw it away when Brian leaned in eagerly.

“No, seriously, what does it do?” he persisted.

The man leaned back from Brian and shook his balding head. “Forget it, son. This isn’t just some kid’s toy. It’s not to be played with.”

Brian hopped in front of him like an online pop-up ad. “Just tell me what it does!” He begged desperately with his eyes. “Pleeeze?”

The man looked at Brian, then at the device, then at the trash can, then at the device again. He knew the thing was dangerous. He had experienced a hell of a lot of problems from that horrid red button.

“C’mon! I’ll pay for it!” Brian offered.

This caught the man‘s attention. “Really?” He glanced in the direction of his wife fueling up their gray station wagon. “Throw that thing out!” she had said. “Get rid of it!” she had said. Yet, she had never said how.

He looked back at the eager young man in front of him and smiled to himself. Clueless, clueless youth.

“All right, son. It’ll only cost you a little bit…”

“…and I only had to pay nine-hundred dollars to get this nifty gadget!” Brian grinned, finishing his tale.

“Brian, you‘re a moron,” A.J. wrinkled his nose as he examined the object in question. “Just what does it do?”

“I don’t know,” Brian shrugged.

“There’s a button on it. Why don’t you push it?” Nick suggested.

“Okay!” Brian’s finger moved toward the bright red button.

“Um, guys? Since we don’t know what it is, maybe we shouldn’t-” Howie started.

Too late.

KA-ZAPPO!!!

Nick frowned. “Ka-zappo?”

Suddenly, a gigantic, monstrous chicken materialized out of no where. Towering over the heads of the four Boys, the flightless bird broke right through the hotel room ceiling.

“Buck-buck-buck ba-ka!” clucked the chicken.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!”

“Ba-ka?”

“I told you this was a bad idea!”

“Shut up Howie!”

Confused beyond reason (and not to mention hungry), the poor bird began to peck at the peculiar screaming midgets.

“Hey!” cried Brian.

“Whoa!” yelled Nick.

“Yow!” yelped Howie.

“Do I look like stinkin’ bird seed, you big stupid bird?!” A.J. shouted.

The chicken licked it lips hungrily. And before you readers could realize that chickens don‘t have lips, it pecked down towards the very spot A.J. was standing.

“BA-KA!!”

“YAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!”

“What will we do, guys?!” Howie cried, narrowly dodging the massive hungry beak.

“Guys, guys! At times like these we know exactly what to do!” Brian proclaimed.

“You’re right, Frick!” Nick agreed. “Everyone together now!”

“KEVIN!!!” they all bawled like babies.

“What’d you do now?” Kevin poked his head in the hotel room doorway. The others stopped long enough to point upwards. Kevin’s eyes followed their fingers and he froze. “Whoa…”

“Buck-buck-ba-ka!”

“That’s…a big chicken,” Kevin nodded to himself. “Biiig chicken…”

The chicken clucked with joy at seeing a piece of feed that wasn’t noisy or running around like, well, like a headless chicken.

“Kevin, watch out!” Brian yelled. Kevin didn’t move. There he was, just staring up at the gargantuan poultry, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging open. Brian didn’t waste another second. He tackled his cousin out of the way just as the beak came down. Brian turned back to see the deep crater where Kevin was standing, and then looked back down at this cousin.

“Kev! You okay?” he asked.

“Biiig chicken…” said Kevin.

“Oookay…Kevy’s lost it,” A.J. shook his in sad sympathy.

Just then, a petite figure stepped into the room. Her hair was damp and her clothes were soaking wet.

“All right! Who left the toilet seat u-wow!” Kara breathed in amazement. “Say, what’s with the chicken?”

The chicken ruffled its feathers and cocked its red crowned head at the newcomer. The guys sighed in relief, glad for anything to distract the chicken’s appetite.

“We don’t know. It just appeared out of no where,” Brian answered.

Kara cocked an eyebrow at the enormous clucking hen. It squawked with impatience. This new teeny thing didn’t do anything, and the chicken was tired of waiting for dinner. The guys ran about in a full frenzy all over again.

Nick stumbled backward as the chicken cornered him against the wall. He landed hard on his butt and his hands slapped down to catch himself. He stared up at the giant chicken in horror as its beak came rushing towards him.

“Oh, if only Spiderman were here!” Nick warbled.

KA-ZAPPO!!!

“SQUWAK!”

Nick blinked up and his jaw went slack. A flying figure in bright red and blue spandex swung around the chicken by the mere strength of a spider web.

“Is that…who I think it is?” Brian asked carefully.

Nick eyes twinkled with stars. “Spidey?” he squeaked.

“Hold on a minute!” A.J. scrambled over and yanked the device free from under Nick’s hand. “This thing summons anything you want when you push this red button!”

“Then why did a giant chicken appear when Brian pushed it?” gasped Howie, clearly out of breath from chicken dodging.

Brian blushed and rubbed his gurgling stomach. “It’s almost lunch time.”

“Oh sure! Think of food in a time like this!” Kara yelled.

“Never fear! Spiderman is here!” Nick grinned up at his hero like a kid admiring a mall Santa. “He’ll save us!”

SQUASH!

“What was that?” Brian wondered. The guys looked up at the chicken, then down as the bird lifted its massive yellow foot. Everyone stared at something mashed flat on the floor.

“Spidey!” Nick cried out in horror. It was Spidey! What was left of him, anyhow. The chicken puffed out its chest and looked very proud of itself.

Nick fell to his knees. “NOOOOOO!!!!”

“Hey! What’s red, blue, and flat as a pancake?”

“A.J.,” Howie warned. “Thin ice. Skating. You.”

A.J. ignored him. “Knew that nerdy insect wouldn’t work.” He smiled wide at the device in his hand and pushed the button. “Y’all know the real one for the job is!”

KAZAPPO!!!

A shapely, big chested woman wearing tight clothes and combat boots appeared in a flash.

“LARA CROFT?!?!” everyone exclaimed.

“Sweet…” Brian and Nick drooled.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” A.J. pumped his fist in the air.

Kara rolled her eyes in disgust.

“Oh, brother…” Howie groaned.

“…chicken…” mumbled Kevin.

Lara wasted no time. She charged ahead at the chicken, whipping out a gun the size of cannon. She swung a long rope from her utility belt and lassoed the chicken. The bound bird struggled to flap its wings and shook frantically as the gun fired.

Silence filled the room as the loud gunshot faded out. Lara wiped the sweet from her perfectly plucked eyebrow. Everyone stared up in amazement as the smoke from the gun cleared. The hulking hen was…

Whole. Only a few singed feathers fluttered to the ground.

“BUCK BUCK BUCK BA-KA!!” thundered the chicken. It pecked up Lara in its furious beak and gobbled her up in less than five seconds.

A.J.’s face mirrored Nick’s previous horror. “No…” he whispered. The chicken spread its wings and the rope snapped loose.

“Somehow I just saw that coming,” Kara sighed. “Why would an airhead like her be in any match for a monster like that?”

A.J.’s head snapped around to face her. “And you think you could do better?”

Kara took the device from him smugly. “Way better.” She firmly pressed the button. “I summon…”

KAZAPPO!!!

A pony-tailed dude dressed in ancient Chinese attire appeared. A Chinese character flashed red on his forehead.

“Tamahome!” Kara sighed happily. She flopped the floor with hearts in her eyes.

“Tama-who?” Brian looked puzzled.

**We interrupt this humor story for a brief explanation! For the readers who aren’t so anime savvy, Tamahome is a character from Fushigi Yugi, a series of Japanese comics by Yuu Watase. As the male romantic lead, Tamahome is a skilled martial artist with two loves in his life; the Empire’s food-loving Priestess, and cold, hard, cash. We now continue with the monster chicken mayhem.**

“Oh! Okay,” Brian nodded.

Tamahome’s eyes bugged out the moment he saw the humongous fowl. He turned to the others, a nervous smile on his handsome face.

“Bye,” he gave them a small wave and dashed in the other direction.

“Hey!” Kara cried, in full pursuit behind him. “Get back here! Not everything you do has to be for that glutton Priestess, you know!”

A.J. was rolling, giggling on the floor.

“Oh, stuff a sock in it!” Kara yelled back at him. She had reluctantly given up her chase on Tamahome, but she hadn’t let him escape. He sat quite preoccupied with Kara’s piggy bank on the floor.

“One…two…three…” Tamahome counted the coins with glee.

The chicken scraped the floor with its beak ravenously. Everyone pressed their backs up against the wall. There was no where to run. Tamahome, however, was completely oblivious.

“Twenty-two…twenty-three…”

Kara sighed and her finger hovered over the button. “Maybe I should try again…”

“No more comic book characters! We already know they don’t work,” Howie said.

“Well, you’re so smart! What do you suggest?” Nick demanded.

Howie simply took the device from Kara. He pointed it forward and pushed the button.

KA-ZAPPO!!!

A giant-sized Swedish Chef Muppet appeared, a wooden spoon in each hand. He swung them back and forth in the air as he bobbed to his own theme music.

Everyone looked at Howie doubtfully. Even the chicken looked skeptic. Howie just smiled and pointed up at he scene. “Just watch.”

The Swedish Chef was singing merrily in Swedish. “Bonk bonk bonk!” he barked, flinging the spoons up behind his head. The group had to dodge to keep from being squashed. The chicken clucked at his new adversary in challenge. Its sharp yellow feet scratched the ground. The Chef merely folded his hands together and announced loudly:

“Moorgey smorgey dorgey de chicky de-sure!”

“What?” exclaimed Nick.

“Huh?” asked Brian.

“Eh?” questioned A.J.

“Esqueeze me?” said Kara.

Even Tamahome looked up.

“…chick…en…” said Kevin.

Howie ignored them and continued to watch. The Chef reached into his apron and pulled out a rather large carving knife.

“C’mere chicky!” the Chef coaxed loudly.

“BA-KA!!!” the chicken cawed in terror. It waddled in alarm and ran right through the wall. Wings flapping and feathers flying, it scampered frantically down the street. The Swedish Chef hurried on behind it, calling after the bird in impatient Swedish. The gigantic twosome disappeared into the horizon.

Everyone but Howie looked on in disbelief. Howie nodded to himself in satisfaction. He then turned to the group, arms folding in front of his chest.

“Now, what have we learned?” he asked.

“Don’t push the red one,” everyone said without enthusiasm.

“Well said, Howie,” Kevin said, suddenly recovered from his former state. He stood up and dusted himself off. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to take a hot milk bath.”

A.J. watched him walk out the door and thought to himself for a minute. “Not a bad idea. Hey, wait up, Kev!” He ran out after him.

“Shouldn’t we worry that a giant chicken and Chef Muppet are out terrorizing the city?” Kara asked.

“No longer our problem,” Nick shrugged. “Anyone up for some sushi?”

“Yeah, sure,” everyone agreed. Nick, Brian, Kara, and Howie left their demolished hotel room, the once terrifying crisis rolling off their shoulders. Tamahome walked into step beside Howie.

“I get paid for this cameo, right?”

Howie groaned. “Oh brother.”

^-^The End^-^

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