Have you ever had a heart attack?
Neither have I, but this was what I always guessed them to feel
like. It had felt like my heart exploded in my chest. And then darkness had
followed. I knew it was going to rank as one of the scariest moments in my
life. Of course the top of that list was the heart surgery I had when I was
sixteen, I remember mom and dad couldn’t be there, but I can’t remember why. It’s
all fuzzy. I know I felt so alone though, so afraid. And my heart then had been
giving me chest pains.
I hope I didn’t scare Carlie too much.
I wasn’t sure where I was, or what I was doing now. But I could
sense I wasn’t awake. One of those knowing you’re dreaming type moments. I was
standing outside a decorative picture frame, looking in as if I was watching a
movie. The frame itself was a bit weird, very childlike, a shiny black covered
with glittery golden stars. I could see a younger me, with reddish blond hair,
laughing and joking with a tall lanky blonde kid. The younger me jumped on his
shoulder’s laughing up a storm as he ran with me across the inside of some
large warehouse. Both of us were dressed the same, black pants, black leather
jackets, along with black shirts.
I had no idea where any of this was coming from. Then again, I was
dreaming, so maybe I made this all up in my head. But that was me, maybe the
hair was off, but the face wasn’t. I don’t think I ever dyed my hair that
color; I’d always been a natural blonde, with no red. Well, now I was helping
nature to stay that color. Not the point.
“Brian!” the skinny blonde kid cried as he let the younger me
down. He handed that me a small video camera. “I got an idea, I gotta film
you.”
“Ain’t this that camera Howie got from MTV?”
“I borrowed it.”
“You mean stole it.”
“Come on! Go over there, and we’ll act like I’m a spaceship coming
at ya.”
“Alright Nick, that’s enough…” Another man, shorter than myself
and that blonde kid named Nick, said as he came over. He was Latino, with slicked back hair and a
trimmed goatee.
I leaned into the frame, wanting to get closer to the image. To
figure this out. Before I could, the scene changed again. It was suddenly a
blur; it reminded me of when you look out the window on a speeding bus watching
everything you’re passing by. Then, it stopped, like someone pressed the play
button. This time, I was standing in a circle. I couldn’t be any older than
eighteen. The reason why I knew that? Well I couldn’t have looked any more
country. I was wearing flannel, these tight jeans, and cowboy boots. My hair
was fluffed up in what I used to think was cool. My cousin, Scott, was beside
me, looking stern. He always looked that way. On the other side of me was a
younger version of that tall lanky kid Nick. Only now, now he was shorter than
me. He couldn’t have been any older than ten, looking scrawny and a bit nerdy
himself. There was the Latino guy too, looking younger. Beside him, was another
kid, really skinny, wearing sunglasses, and trying to act about five years
older than he was.
We started singing. It was an old Temptations song we sang, “My
Girl.” But here’s what was crazy, when we started singing, we sounded good.
Like when we sang together, it became something special. I felt myself sigh,
just watching, feeling wistful for something I never experienced.
Odd ain’t it?
“See what you’re missing?” I turned. It was that woman again, her
golden hair curly and framing her face. She wore a white dress now, silky and
modest.
“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling confused as ever. I wish
someone could clue me in. I’m really tired of not knowing. I don’t even care
anymore if I like the answers. I simply want them.
“Can’t you see?” She came up to me, touching my face with the
gentlest manner. Her blue eyes, so beautiful to me, were filled with despair.
“Brian… Can’t you see?”
“You see?” A male voice said this time
as bright lights blinded me. White. Nothing but white. “It was a panic attack,
I’m not quite sure what brought this on, but it sounds like it was severe Miss
Contrella.”
“It looks like he’s waking up.” I
could hear her say excitedly as my vision came into focus. I blinked a bit, trying
to adjust.
***
