Epilogue

The funeral was two days later. It was not in a church, but instead outside Olivia’s house, on the beach. Her body had been cremated, and all that remained of her was an urn of ashes, which would later be scattered into the ocean, as Olivia had requested.

Nick remained calm through the funeral, listening absently to the minister’s words of what a good person Olivia had been and how God had needed her in Heaven.

Bullshit, Nick thought bitterly. God could have chosen any other girl in the world. Why my Liv?

His questions went unanswered.

When the funeral was over, most of the guests gave their condolences to Melinda and Randy and went home. Nick stayed behind and watched as Olivia’s parents sprinkled handfuls of her ashes from the urn into the ocean, weeping as they did so. The scene was heart-wrenching, and soon, it became too much for Nick.

Overcome with grief, he broke down in tears and ran for his house. Once he was inside, he ran upstairs to his room. A plastic bag was sitting on his bed; he had set it there that morning. Olivia’s mother had come by to give it to him.

“It’s some things I thought she would want you to have,” she had told him. Nick had accepted it and put it in his room, unable to look inside.

Now he shoved the bag aside and lay down on his bed, crying like he had never cried before.

How can I ever go on without her? I loved her. I really loved her, he thought. Now he truly knew what a broken heart felt like.

Desperate for something to take his mind off of Olivia, he turned on the radio. Papa Roach’s “Last Resort” blared from his speakers.

At least it’s not a damn love song, Nick thought. As he listened to the song, it brought back memories. Memories from the night early that summer when he had attempted suicide. It had seemed like a good thing at the time. But later on, he had realized how stupid it was.

But as he thought about it again now, he wasn’t sure why. If he had taken his life then, he wouldn’t be in so much pain now. But of course, then he wouldn’t have met Olivia.

But maybe I could have both, Nick thought. I can’t go on living without her. I just can’t. I’ll think about her all the time. I’ll never be able to love anyone again. We were perfect for each other. And now she’s gone, and I’m all alone. But maybe I don’t have to be…

He slowly stood up and walked into his bathroom. Opening up the medicine cabinet, he was greeted by shelves of medicine bottles. As he took them down, he was hit with a sense of déjà vu. Only this time, he thought, I’m going to do this right. Then Liv and I can be together again.

Nodding confidently, he took down some more bottles and arranged them all in a line on his bathroom counter. From his bedroom, he could still hear “Last Resort” playing.

He glanced at the labels on the medicine bottles and dumped out small piles of each kind of pills. Scooting the piles together, he formed one mountain of pills in the center of the counter. This should do it, he thought. Water. I need water. He had never been able to take pills without water.

He left the bathroom and went downstairs to get a glass of water. He grabbed a big cup, filled it up, and carried it back upstairs. Some water sloshed on the floor on the way up, but he didn’t care. Nothing mattered to him anymore. Nothing but Olivia. And she was gone.

When he entered his bedroom, he stopped dead in his tracks. The loud rock beat of “Last Resort” had stopped, replaced by a soft, country-sounding ballad.

“What the-?” Nick said aloud, annoyed. This was a rock/pop station. Why would they be playing country songs on it? But suddenly, as a pretty female voice began to sing, his annoyance vanished. It was the song. Olivia’s song.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance…

Nick sank down on his bed and began to cry. He felt a mix of emotions, more ashamed at himself than anything else. What had he been thinking? Poor Olivia had wanted to live and had not been able to, and he was going to intentionally end his life? How could he be so selfish?

The song ended, and a rock song played, and still, Nick cried. But he felt different. Suddenly, he wasn’t so sad and hopeless feeling. The song had rejuvenated his will to live.

It’s a sign, he thought. Liv did this. She must have.

More tears fell from his eyes, and he let them fall, not even bothering to wipe them away. His eyes rested on the bag sitting next to him on the bed, and with trembling hands, he opened it and peered inside. On top, he saw a CD – the single for LeeAnn Womack’s “I Hope You Dance,” Olivia’s song. Smiling tearfully, Nick took it out and put it in his CD player, turning off the radio.

As the song played, he went through the other contents of the bag. There were some pictures – some of Olivia, some of the ocean, and one beautiful one of the beach at night. On the bottom, he pulled out a gray, hooded sweatshirt.

This is mine, he realized, holding it up. When did she get-? And then he remembered. It was the night he had met her, on the beach at night. She had been cold, and he had given her the sweatshirt. He had never even realized she had forgotten to give it back. He pressed the sweatshirt up to his face and inhaled. It smelled like her.

Smiling, Nick set the shirt aside and glanced back into the bag. He thought he had gotten everything out, but then he noticed a small packet of paper at the very bottom. Pulling it out, he saw that it was three small sheets of lavender paper, stapled together. Glancing at it, he realized it was a diary entry, written in Olivia’s handwriting. A lump rose in his throat, as he began to read it.

September 15, 2001

Dear Diary,

I know I haven’t written in you for years. In fact, my last entry was from when I was just thirteen. That seems so long ago now. I’m twenty now; just had my birthday a few weeks ago. And I’m dying.

It seems so unfair to die at only twenty. There’s so many things I’ll never be able to do. I’ll never get married. Never have children. Heck, I’ll never even be able to drink legally. I won’t even live to see adulthood. Not literally, anyway. But I already feel like an adult. I’ve been through so much this past year, I feel older than only twenty.

And still, there’s so much I haven’t experienced. Many things I’m going through for the first time right now. Like being in love. I’ve never been in love before, but I am now. At least I think I am. It’s hard to say the L-word with Nick because I’ve only known him about three months. But they say that when you fall in love, you just know it, and that’s how I feel about Nick.

I don’t know if he loves me back or not. I know he likes me. We’re best friends, and now we’re a couple too. But does he love me? I’m not sure. I wish he did, but that would be hoping for a lot. After all, we’ve only known each other a summer, and I’m dying. It doesn’t seem like grounds for a good relationship. But if there’s one thing I would like before I die, it is to be in love with a man and have him love me back. I already know I love Nick. Now it’s up to him to decide if he loves me back or not.

I wonder if anyone will read this after I’m gone. Surely they’ll go through my things. But will they read stuff like this? Or will they respect my privacy? It doesn’t matter to me. Once I’m dead, privacy’s not an issue. Maybe reading this will help people feel closer to me.

If anyone is reading this right now, I’ll leave a few quick shout-outs:

Mom and Daddy – I love you so much! I’m so sorry I had to leave you. If I could change it, I would. But you know I can’t. Just know that I’ll be up in Heaven, waiting for you, and I’ll be fine. I’m sure it’s a wonderful place, and in a way, I’m looking forward to getting there. I have so many questions for God, and now maybe I’ll finally get some answers to them. Please don’t cry too much when I die. I’ll be watching down on you, and it’ll break my heart to see you so upset. Mama, you know I hate it when you cry. Try to be strong and remember that I’m in a better place. I know that’s the generic line they say at funerals, but I’m sure it’s true. Until we meet again, goodbye, and I love you.

To all my friends back home – you guys are the best. I know we haven’t seen each other much lately. You’re all in college, and I’m here in Tampa. I hope you’re having the time of your lives. I know things may not have turned out so great for me, but while I was living down here, I was having the time of my life too. Keep me in your hearts and in your memories. Love ya!

Nick – You’re my first love, and I will always cherish our short time together. Fate brought us together, and it will bring us back together someday. I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven. Please take care of yourself, Nick. I love you. Always, Liv.

That’s it for now. And to anyone who was not mentioned, you know I love you and care about you. I’m pretty tired now, so I think I’ll go to bed. Goodnight, and God bless.

Love,

Olivia Marie Caisson

Nick swallowed hard. “I did love you, Liv,” he whispered. “I still do. And I always will.”

At least he had been able to provide that one last wish of hers – love. Yes, he had given her love. And she had given him life.

The End

AN: This is the end of the novel, but not the story. Click here to read Beside the Ocean’s touching companion story, “Dance,” written by Nina.

Back to index