A parody of Stanley Kubrick’s film, “The Shining”



AN: This is my first attempt at writing a parody, so it might suck.  If you read it, will you please let me know what you think of it?  If you think it sucks, please tell me that cause I’d like to know if it’s not funny so that I won’t attempt to write more humor stories in the future.  On the other hand, if you tell me it’s good and funny and all that, maybe you’ll see some more humor stories coming from me.  It all really depends on what kind of feedback I get on this story.



Our story begins with a young man by the name of Kevin Richardson going to the Overlook Hotel, a resort hotel in the mountains of Colorado, to inquire about the open position as winter caretaker at the hotel.   Meanwhile, his friends sit at the home they all share, discussing the possibility of Kevin getting the job…



At the Backstreet Boys’ House

(yes, they do share a house in this story)


Nick Carter and Brian Littrell, Kevin’s two friends, sit at the kitchen table.


Nick:  Do you really wanna go live in that hotel all winter?


Brian:  Sure I do.  We’ll have a super-dee-duper time!


Nick:  Yeah, I guess so.  There’s nobody to play with here anyway.  I can’t even play outside cause all those scary girls are always out there, picking grass and screaming.  *chin quivers*


Brian:  Yeah, I know.  But don’t worry, the scary teenyboppers won’t be able to chase you anymore if we go to the hotel to live.   It’s high up in the mountains and hours away from here.


Nick: *sighs in relief*


Brian:  What about Howie?  He’s lookin’ forward to going to the hotel, I bet.


Howie (who is represented by Nick’s index finger):  No, he isn’t, Mr. Littrell.


Brian:  Now, come on, Howie, don’t be silly.   


Howie:  I don’t wanna go there, Mr. Littrell.


Brian:  Well, how come?


Howie:  I just don’t… and stuff like that.


Brian:  Well, we’ll just wait and see.  We’re all gonna have a real good time. 




At the Overlook Hotel


Hotel Manager Guy:  Well, Mr. Richardson, you seem to be perfect for the job of winter caretaker of the Overlook Hotel.  


Kevin:  Thank… you… Mr…. Hotel…. Manager… Guy. 


Hotel Manager Guy:  But before you sign the contract, there is one thing we should talk about.  


Kevin:  What’s… that?


Hotel Manager Guy:  Well, have you heard about the… tragedy… that took place here?


Kevin:  No… what… happened?


Hotel Manager Guy:  Well, it was about ten years ago.   The winter caretaker was a man by the name of Timberlake.   Justin Timberlake.   He had a wife and twin daughters.   He seemed relatively normal, except for that he was white and thought he was black.   But anyway, over the course of that winter, something happened to him.   He had a mental breakdown and killed his wife and children with an ax.   He had probably suffered from what the old folks refer to as “cabin fever”.


Kevin:  What… an… interesting… story.   But… don’t… worry.   That… won’t… happen… to… me.



At the Backstreet Boys’ House


Nick:  *brushes his teeth in bathroom*  I wonder if Kevin got the job…


Howie:  He already did.   He’s going to call Brian in a few minutes to tell him. 


The phone rings.



In Kitchen


Brian:  *picks up phone*   Hello?


Kevin:  Howdy… Brian.


Brian:  Hey cuz.  How’s it goin’?


Kevin:  I… still… have… a… lot… of… stuff… to… go… through… so… I… might… not… be… home… for… another… few… hours.


Brian:  So you got the job then?


Kevin:  Yes.


Brian:  That’s great, Kev.   I’ll see you when you get home then.   Bye.  *hangs up*



Back in bathroom


Nick:  Why don’t you wanna go to the hotel, Howie?


Howie:  I don’t know.


Nick:  Yes, you do.  Tell me.


Howie:  No.


Nick:  Yes.


Howie:  No.


Nick:  *whines*  Yeeeessss!


Howie:  Damnit, Nick, shut the hell up!   You want me to tell you?   Huh?  You want me to tell you… and stuff like that? 


Nick:  Yes!


Howie:  Okay…


Nick:  *has vision of a pair of double doors with a wave of blood crashing through.   Then he sees a pair of scary looking blonde twins*  Ahh!  *passes out*



Half an hour later


Nick is lying in bed, and a doctor is checking him over.  


Doctor:  Nick, do you remember what you were doing right before you passed out?


Nick:  I was brushing my teeth.


Doctor:  What were you doing after you brushed your teeth?


Nick:  Talking to Howie.


Doctor:  Who’s Howie?


Nick:  He’s the little Latino man that lives in my mouth.


Doctor stares at Nick in confusion.


Brian:  Howie’s his imaginary friend.


Doctor: *nods, still looking strangely at Nick*  If you were to open your mouth now, could I see Howie?


Nick:  No.


Doctor:  Why not?


Nick:  He hides.


Doctor:  Ok… Mr. Littrell, could I speak to you in private, please?


Brian:  Sure.  *leads doctor into living room*


Doctor:  Well, Mr. Littrell, I don’t see anything physically wrong with Nick.  Mentally… I’m not so sure.


Brian:  What do you mean?

Doctor:  Well, uh… how old is Nick?


Brian:  He’s 21.  Why?


Doctor:  Well, it isn’t exactly normal for 21 year olds to still have imaginary friends, you see.


Brian:  Well, Nick may be 21, but he isn’t really the brightest crayon in the box, if you know what I mean.


Doctor:  I see.  When did Nick start talking to Howie?  


Brian: *ponders*  Well… it was only a few months ago, I think.  


Doctor: *raises eyebrows*  Oh… Well, was there anything that happened to him at that time that was especially stressful or traumatic?


Brian: *ponders again* Yeah, he did have an injury then, and it was around that time that I noticed him first talking to Howie.


Doctor:  What kind of injury?


Brian:  He dislocated his shoulder.


Doctor:  And how did he manage to do that?


Brian:  Well, my cousin Kevin and our friend AJ were out drinking and came home about three hours late.   Nick had been coloring and had scattered some pictures on the floor, and when Kevin found them, he got pissed off and jerked Nick up by the arm, just like you would normally do with a child or a man with the intelligence of a child.   Anyway, I guess he just used too much force, and he dislocated his shoulder.  


Doctor: *nods, eyeing Brian warily* 


Brian:  But something good did come out of that.  Kevin said, “Brian, I’m never going to touch another drop”.   It’s been five months, and he hasn’t had any alcohol since.   And AJ got shipped off to rehab, and we haven’t seen him since.


(AN: This story was written in June of 2001, a month before AJ really did go to rehab.  It was not meant to be offensive at all, and it really wasn’t meant to be funny either, since alcoholism isn’t a joke.  I just needed a way to explain why AJ isn’t in the story, and that was the best thing I could think of.  I could change it, but I’m not going to because I want to keep the story in its original form.  I just wanted to clear that up though because I would never make fun of a real problem someone has, and I don’t want anyone to think I did.  I didn’t know at the time that AJ really was suffering from alcoholism.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t have written it.)


Doctor:  *nods again, pasting fake smile on face*  Well, I have to be going now.   Goodbye, Mr. Littrell.  *quickly leaves*



A few weeks later, at the hotel


All the staff members are getting ready to leave the hotel for the winter.


Hotel Manager Guy:  Well, Kevin, did you get all your luggage inside?


Kevin:  Yes… it’s… right… here *points to several suitcases beside him*


Hotel Manager Guy:  Great.  I’ll have a bellhop take it to your quarters.   Where is your family?


Kevin:  Oh… they’re… back… home… in… Kentucky.


Hotel Manager Guy: *confused*  I thought you lived in Florida.


Kevin:  I… do.


Hotel Manager Guy:  Didn’t you bring your family with you?


Kevin:  No… I… brought… Brian… and…. Nick.   We…live… together.  Well… Brian… is… my…cousin… though… so… I… guess… that… counts… as… family…


Hotel Manager Guy:  *looks at Kevin in disgust*  Ohh… I, uh, see.   I wasn’t expecting it, but that’s… absolutely fine, if that’s how you want to live your life.  *raises eyebrows*


Kevin:  Yeah… we’re… all… real… close… with… each… other.  *smiles*


Hotel Manager Guy:  *smiles and nods*  So, uh, where are your… “partners” anyway?


Kevin:  They’re… in… the… game… room.   Nick… loves… video… games.


Hotel Manager Guy:  I see.  Well, why don’t you round them up, and I’ll take you all on a tour of the grounds?


Kevin:  Ok… that… sounds… good.  *goes to game room and gets Brian and Nick*


The hotel manager guy leads them on a tour around the hotel, showing them the rooms where they’ll be living and the huge hedge maze outside.  Then he takes them to the kitchen.


A fat black woman wearing a tacky looking muumuu and a bandana wrapped around her frizzy black hair comes towards them.


Hotel Manager Guy:  Ahh, let me introduce you gentlemen to our head cook, Miss Cleo.   Miss Cleo, this is Kevin, the winter caretaker, and his “friends”, Brian and Nick.


Miss Cleo:  So nice ta meet ya.  How about’s I show ya around dee kitchen?


Hotel Manager Guy:  Why don’t you show it to Brian and Nick.   I have to show Kevin some other things right now.


Miss Cleo:  Ok, dat’s fine.  Come wit me.  *leads Brian and Nick to large kitchen and shows them around*


Miss Cleo:  *while blabbering on and on to Brian about something*  Want some ice cream, Frack?


Nick:  *looks at Miss Cleo in confusion, realizing she didn’t speak the words out loud, but he still heard them*


Miss Cleo:  *leads them out of the kitchen*  So, Frack, how about some ice cream?  Ya wouldn’t mind if I gave Frack here a little ice cream, now would ya, Mr. Littrell?


Brian:  No, not at all.  But, hey, how did you know we call him Frack?


Miss Cleo:  Oh, I don’t know, I must have heard ya call him dat. 


Brian:  Maybe… but I don’t remember calling him that since we’ve been with you.  *ponders*


Hotel Manager Guy:  *approaches*  Brian, would you come with me?  There’s something else I’d like to show you.


Brian:  Sure.  I’ll be right back, Nick.


Miss Cleo:  Come on, Frack, and I’ll get ya dat ice cream now.   Now what’s yer favorite flavor?

Nick:  Chocolate!  *drools*


Miss Cleo:  *gets Nick a huge tub of chocolate ice cream and leads him outside*  Do ya know how I knew dat you were called Frack?


Nick:  *looks up with chocolate all over face*  Cause you read Bop?


Miss Cleo:  No, dat’s not it.  Ya see, me grandmommy and I used ta have whole conversations without eva even openin’ our mouths.   She always called it “shinin’”.   I always thought dat we was da only ones wit da “shine”.   But ya gots it too, don’t ya?  


Nick:  *looks blankly at Miss Cleo*  Huh?


Miss Cleo:  Do ya eva see things happenin’ before they eva happen?  Or know things before people tell ya them?


Nick:  Maybe… Howie tells me things sometimes.


Miss Cleo:  Howie?  Who’s Howie, child?


Nick:  He’s the little Latino man that lives in my mouth.


Miss Cleo:  And he tell ya things?  What kinda things?


Nick:  I’m not asposed to talk about it.


Miss Cleo:  Why not, boy?


Nick:  Howie told me not to tell.


Miss Cleo:  *ignores him*  Has Howie eva showed ya somethin’ about dis hotel?  The Overlook Hotel?


Nick:  *ponders*  Maybe….  Miss Cleo, are you afraid of this place?


Miss Cleo:  Afraid?  No, child.  It’s jus’ dat places are like people.   Some shine, and some don’t.  


Nick:  Did something bad happen here?   In room 237?


Miss Cleo:  *looks up sharply*  Room 237?  What are ya doin’ talkin’ about dat room?  Don’t ya go up there to dat room, eva, ya hear?  Stay out!



One month later


Nick and Brian are frolicking outside the hotel.   They run into the hedge maze.


Brian:  Hurry up, Nick!  I’m gonna get you!  *runs VERY slowly and acts like he can’t quite catch up to Nick, who is huffing and puffing as he lumbers along*


Nick: *wheezes*  Okay, Brian, that’s enough running.  Let’s just walk, okay?


Brian:  Okay.  *starts to walk*


The Boys make their way through the hedge maze.  


Nick: *whines as they come to a dead end*  Brian, let ME lead the way!   Otherwise, we’ll NEVER get to the middle!


Brian: *rolls eyes* Yeah, right, Nick.   You have no sense of direction.   You have no brain either.   Like we’d ever make it anywhere with you in charge.


Nick:  Uh, hello!  I did that maze on the back of my Happy Meal bag, didn’t I?  Hm?  Didn’t I help the Hamburglar get to the hamburger?  So ha! *smiles smugly*


Brian: *stares in disgust at Nick*  Nick, a four year old could do that maze!   In fact, that maze was MADE for four year olds!   Not adults!   And speaking of Happy Meals anyway, why the f*** can’t you just order a few value meals and super size them, rather than buying dozens of Happy Meals?  You know the McDonald’s people don’t like it when you do that…


Nick: *eyes fill with tears*   But, Brian!  *whines*   You don’t get a toy with the value meals!  And you just said the f-word too!   Ummmmmm!


Brian:  *eyes widen*   Oh my God, I did, didn’t I!?  *gasps in horror*  Oh my God, I just took the Lord’s name in vain!   Oh my- *claps hand over mouth*… GOODNESS, I just did it again!  *kneels down and begins to pray frantically*


Nick:  *laughs idiotically and points at Brian*  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!   You’re going to he-ell!  *taunts in sing-song voice*


Brian:  No!!! *keeps praying*





Brian: *looks at Nick in annoyance*  Nick, how many times have I told you not to ride that Big Wheels in the hotel?!


Nick: *looks up from the tiny Big Wheels he is scrunched on to*  I’m sorry.  I’ll go ride it outside.


Brian:  No, I didn’t mean that.  I meant, you’re too gosh darn big and fat for that little thing!   You’re gonna squish it!


Nick:  *pouts*   I am not!   And I’m not fat, I’m big boned!   And I happen to like my Big Wheels, thank you very much.


Brian:  Uh… you’re welcome?


Nick rides off and starts slowly pedaling down one of the hallways.   His knees keep bumping into the handlebars, and the seat sags under his weight.  After a few hours, he makes it down the hall and stops in front of one of the rooms.   It is room 237.


Grunting, Nick manages to get himself out of the Big Wheels and tries to open the door, but it’s locked.   Then he turns and sees the same blonde twins as he saw before, holding hands in hallway. 


Nick:  *gasps in horror*  Oh God no!  It’s… it’s… *gasps again*… the Olsen twins!  AHHHH!  *tries to get back on Big Wheels but can’t get squeezed into the tiny seat in a hurry so picks the whole thing up instead and runs away*



In the hotel lounge


Kevin sits at a table, typing VERY SLOWLY on a typewriter, attempting to write song lyrics.   Brian comes in and sits down next to him. 


Brian:  Get any songs written today?


Kevin:  Yes…


Brian:  Hey, the weather man said it’s supposed to snow tonight!


Kevin:  What… the… hell… do… you… want… me… to… do… about… it?


Brian:  Ummm!  You said ‘hell’!


Kevin:  F***… off…, Brian!


Brian: *highly offended*  Jeepers, Kevin, you don’t have to be such a grouchy-pants! 


Kevin:   I’m… not… grouchy.  I… just… want… to… finish… my… songs!


Brian:  Ok.  I’ll come back later with some food, and then maybe I can read something.


Kevin:  Brian… let… me… explain… something.   When… you… come… in… here…, you… break… my… concentration.   You’re… distracting… me!  *starts hitting head repeatedly*


Brian: *gives Kevin frightened look*


Kevin:  Ok… new… rule.  When… I’m… in… here…, leave… me… alone!


Brian:  *trembles at Kevin’s harsh tone*  Ok, Kevin.


Kevin:  Good.  Now get the f*** out of here!


Brian: *scurries away in fright*




It is snowing outside.  Brian and Nick are frolicking through the snow and building snowmen.


Nick:  Brian, Brian, look at mine!


Brian: *looks to see three large snowballs stacked lopsidedly on top of each other*   That’s, uh… great… Nick.  *heavy sarcasm*   Here, why don’t you put a mouth on him.  *hands Nick some pieces of coal for a mouth and a carrot for the nose and continues to work on his own snowman*


Brian:  Hey, Nick, check this out!


Nick:  *looks at Brian’s snowman and cocks head to one side*   That’s pretty neato, Bri, but… who is it?


Brian:  It’s Jesus Christ, our savior!  *grins proudly at his snow sculpture of Jesus*


Nick:  Well, I like mine better.


Brian:  *looks at Nick’s again, which looks exactly the same as before*  Hey, Nick, I thought you were gonna put a face on it?  Where’s all that stuff I gave you?


Nick:  *looks down guiltily*  Well, I was hungry, you see, so I kinda sorta ate it all.


Brian:  *mouth drops open in disgust*  Nick, you ate coal!?


Nick:  Who said anything about coal?  I just ate that carrot and those dark chocolate malt balls you gave me.


Brian:  Uh… Nick… those weren’t… oh, never mind. 



In lounge


Kevin watches Nick and Brian prance around in the snow.   He smiles an evil grin, his caterpillar eyebrows arching devilishly. 






Nick is slowly pedaling his Big Wheels around the halls again.   He stops suddenly.   At the end of the hall stand the dreaded Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. 


The Olsen twins:  Hello, Nicky.  Come play with us.  Come play with us, Nicky.   Forever, and ever, and ever…


Nick:  *suddenly sees vision of the Olsen twins lying dead on the floor, their bloody bodies hacked into pieces*  Sweet!  *looks up to find that the annoying twins are gone*   Howie, I’m scared…


Howie:  Don’t be scared, you big pansy.   It’s not real.


Nick:  Shut up, Howie!   At least I’m not a winking fag like you are!


Howie:  Hey, don’t bring my sexuality into this, you retarded shit-for-brains fat ass… and stuff like that. 


Nick:  *starts to cry*





Brian and Nick sit watching reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show”. 


Nick:  Brian, can I go get my fire engine?


Brian:  *looks at Nick in disgust*  Nick, for goodness sakes, I can’t believe you still play with toy fire engines.  When will you ever grow up?


Nick:  I never want to grow up, just like Peter Pan! *smiles*


Brian:  *gives Nick frightened look*


Nick:  So, can I get my fire truck? 


Brian:  *sighs*  Not now, Nick, Kevin just went to bed a few hours ago.  You don’t want to wake him up.  And anyway, don’t you want to watch the rest of this episode?  Opie’s about to…


Nick:  *interrupts*  I won’t!  I’ll be really really quiet!  I’ll tip toe!


Brian:  Nick, tip-toeing for you is like what an elephant tip-toeing would sound like.


Nick:  *smiles blankly*  So I can go?


Brian:  *sighs in annoyance*  Fine, Nick, go get your damn truck.  Just be quiet.


Nick:  Thanks, Brian.  Oh, and by the way, you just said ‘damn’.  *frolics off, humming “You Can Fly” from Peter Pan*


Brian:  Oh no!  Heavenly father, forgive me for my sins!  *begins to pray*



In Kevin’s Room


Kevin is awakened by a loud clomping sound.   He sits up to see Nick thundering past his room, walking on his toes.  


Kevin:  Nick… come… here.


Nick:  *walks in hesitantly*  What?


Kevin:  Come… here.  *grabs Nick in headlock and forces Nick to sit on his lap*   How’s… it… goin’…, Frack?


Nick:  Okay


Kevin:  Havin’… a… good… time?


Nick:  Yes, Kev.  Me and Brian are watching the “Andy Griffith” marathon on TV Land.  *starts whistling “Andy Griffith” theme song*


Kevin:  Shut… up! *whacks Nick on the head*  Good… I… want… you… to… have… a… good… time.


Nick:  I am, Kevin.  Kevin?


Kevin:  Yes?


Nick:  Do you like this hotel?


Kevin:  Yes… I… do.  I… love… it.  Don’t… you?


Nick:  I guess so.


Kevin:  I… want… you… to… like… it… here.   I… wish… we… could… stay… here… forever… and… ever… and…ever.


Nick:  Hey, that’s what Mary Kate and Ashley said too! 


Kevin: *looks at Nick in confusion for a moment, then shrugs it off, remembering who he’s talking to*


Nick: *rambling on*  I wouldn’t mind staying here forever.  It would be just like Never Never Land, in Peter Pan.  I wanna be just like Peter Pan, Kevin.  He never grows up, and he can fly too!   Do you think I could fly?  I bet I could if I had some fairy dust.  Can I get a pet fairy, Kevin?  I would name her Tinkerbell, just like in the movie.  Or maybe-


Kevin:  Shut… up!!


Nick:  *chin trembles*  Kevin?


Kevin:  What?!


Nick:  You would never hurt Brian or me, would you?


Kevin:  Of… course… not.   Well…, not… Brian… anyway.  He’s… my… cousin.   But you… *trails off*   Uh… why… don’t… you… go… back… and… watch… some… more… Andy… Griffith… now… okay?


Nick:  Okay.  *jumps off of Kevin’s lap and skips away, shaking the floor with his colossal weight*





Nick is sitting in a hallway, playing with some Hotwheels cars. 


Nick:  Vroom!  Vroom!  *pushes little car around* 


Suddenly, he notices a package of Twinkies sitting in the doorway to one of the rooms, which happens to be open.   It is room 237, but Nick is too fascinated with the free Twinkies to realize this.


Nick:  *grabs for the Twinkies, but they scoot away from him just before he can grab them*  Hey!  *reaches again, and again, the Twinkies move away*  What’s wrong with these Twinkies?  Come here, little Twinkies.  Come to Nicky… *reaches again and crawls further into the room*



In the lounge


Brian bursts into the lounge after hearing a bloodcurdling woman’s scream.   Instead of a damsel in distress, he finds Kevin asleep, his head resting on his typewriter, drooling and mumbling gibberish. 


Brian: *shakes Kevin*  Kevin!  Hey, cuz, wake up!


Kevin: *wakes up, confused and disoriented*  I… just… had… a… horrible… nightmare!


Brian:  Shh, it’s okay.


Kevin:  There… were… all… these… pink… elephants!   And… they… were… dancing… and… singing! *shudders*  Oh… yeah… and… I… killed… you… and… Nick… too.  I… must… be… losing… my… mind!


Brian:  *shrugs*  Maybe.  Or maybe you’ve just been watching too much “Dumbo”.   What kind of medications are you taking?   Maybe it’s the Viagra that’s making you dreams crazy stuff like that.     


Just then, Nick comes into the room, sucking his thumb and looking dazed and confused. 


Brian:  Uh, Nick, how ‘bout you go play Nintendo for a little bit?


Nick doesn’t respond.  Brian realizes that something must be wrong when Nick doesn’t respond to one of his all-time favorite words, “Nintendo”.


Brian: *hurries over to Nick and finds that his sweatshirt is ripped and there are bruises on his neck*  Kevin!


Kevin:  What?


Brian:  You did this to him, didn’t you!  You son of a buck!  How could you! *grabs Nick and runs out of room*



In bar


Kevin sits talking to an imaginary bartender, when Brian runs into the room with a baseball bat. 


Brian:  Kevin!  There’s someone else here at the hotel with us!


Kevin:  Huh?


Brian:  There’s a crazy woman, in one of the rooms!  She… she tried to strangle Nick!


Kevin:  Are… you… out… of… your… f***ing… mind?


Brian:  Umm!!  You said the f-word!  Now you’re going to burn in the pits of Hell!  And anyway, it’s the truth!  Nick told me!  He went into the room, and there was a crazy woman in the bathtub!


Kevin:  Which… room… is… it?



At Miss Cleo’s House


Miss Cleo is lying in bed, watching the Home Shopping Network.  Suddenly, she sees a vision of room 237 and Nick twitching and drooling. 


Miss Cleo:  Oh no!  Me psychic powers tell me dat da child be in trouble!



In Room 237


Kevin enters the steamy bathroom of room 237 and opens the half-closed shower curtain to find a bottle blonde young woman taking a bath.   She rises and steps out of the tub.


Kevin: *gasps*  You’re… you’re… Willa!   I… should… have… known.  


Willa Ford:  *smiles seductively*   I wanna be bad, Kevin. 


Kevin:  Thank… God… for… Viagra!  *wraps arms around Willa and frantically starts making out with her*


Suddenly, Kevin looks into the mirror behind Willa and gets a good view at her backside, which is all wrinkly and decomposing.


Kevin:  Ahhh!


Willa: *transformed into hideous old hag*  Ah ha ha!  *cackles evilly*



In the bar


Kevin sits in the bar again, talking to his imaginary friend, the bartender.   This time, the bar is filled with people, an illusion of Kevin’s Viagra-induced mind.   Kevin strolls along, sipping a drink, and bumps into a waiter with a huge blonde afro, causing his drink to spill all over his outfit. 


Waiter:  Yo, I be so sorry, g!  Let ole J-Dawg git yous all cleaned up. 


Kevin: *reads waiter’s nametag, which says “Justin Timberlake”*  Hey… I’ve… heard… of… you!   You… used… to… be… the… caretaker!   You… killed… your… family!


Justin:  Yo, dat’s whack, yo!  I nevah done dat!   Yous da caretaker!  Yous always been da caretaker!   *leads Kevin into men’s bathroom to help him wash the spot off his clothes*   Yo, didju know dat yo’ homey Nick was tryin’ ta bring some otha’ ho into dis’ situation?


Kevin:  Huh?  No.


Justin:  Well, he iz.  Some black psychic cookin’ bitch!


Kevin:  Miss… Cleo?  How?


Justin:  Yo, dat Carter got talent, yo.  Yous gots no idea how great it be, yo.


Kevin:  He… is… a… willful… kid.


Justin:  Dat he is, yo.  He be one ratha’ bad seed, ya know what I’m sayin’?


Kevin:  It’s… his… best… friend…, Brian.  He… interferes. 


Justin:  Yo, dey jus’ need some talkin’ to, ya know what I’m sayin’?  Maybe a lilsumthin’ more.   Mah homegurlz din’t like da place too much eitha’ at first, but I “corrected” dem.   You jus’ need ta “correct” yo’ friends too.



In Brian’s Bedroom


Brian paces back and forth, talking to himself.


Brian:  We need to take the snowmobile and get out of here.  If Kevin won’t come with, we’ll just go without him.


Nick:  *rocks back and forth, staring off into space*  Redrumredrum


Brian:  Nick?  *tries to shake Nick out of trance he seems to be in*  Nick, wake up, speak to me! 


Howie (speaking as Nick):  Nick’s not here right now, Mr. Littrell… and stuff like that. 


Brian then realizes that Nick is winking excessively. 


Brian:  Howie?  Where’s Nick?  Come on, Nick, snap out of it!


Howie:  Nick’s gone away, Mr. Littrell. *wink*



8 am


Miss Cleo is on a plane to Colorado after being unable to reach the hotel because the phone lines are down, and Kevin has disconnected the radio.


Meanwhile, Brian and Nick (aka Howie) sit watching cartoons. 


Brian: Nick, I need to go talk to Kevin for a minute.  I’ll be right back, okay?  *gets no response, shrugs, and leaves the room*



In the lounge


Carrying his baseball bat with him, Brian enters the lounge, looking for Kevin, but he is not there.   He notices a piece of paper sticking out of Kevin’s typewriter and decides to take a look at it. 


Brian:  *gasps in horror at what is on the paper*


All work and no play makes Kevin a dull boy.  


The sentence is repeated over and over again.  Brian finds a box full of paper next to the typewriter and looks at the top sheet.  It says the same thing, over and over.   He shuffles through all the sheets, gasping as page after page are filled with the same sentence. 


Kevin: *suddenly appearing behind Brian*  How… do… you… like… it?


Brian:  Ahh! *screams like a woman and runs for the stairs*  Stay away from me!  *backs up the stairs*  Don’t hurt me!


Kevin: *slowly stalking Brian up the stairs*  Brian… cuz… I’m… not… gonna… hurt… you.   I’m… just… gonna… bash… your… f***ing… brains… in!


Brian: *gasps*  Umm!!  You just said the f-word again!  *suddenly realizes what else Kevin just said and swings the bat, hitting Kevin in the head and knocking him down the stairs*


Kevin is knocked unconscious, and Brian drags him into the kitchen and locks him in the storage locker.   Just as he closes the door, Kevin comes to.


Kevin:  Brian… open… the… door!  I… think… you… hurt… my… head… real… bad.  I… need… a… doctor!


Brian:  Screw you, Kevin!


Kevin:  But… Brian… you’re… my… cousin!


Brian:  So?  You’re a psycho.  Nick and I are taking the snowmobile and leaving!


Kevin: *laughs evilly*  Ha!  You’re… not… taking… the… snowmobile… anywhere!  I… cut… the… wires!


Brian runs away to go look, and Kevin is left alone.



4 pm


There is a knock on the door to the storage locker. 


Kevin:  Who’s… there?


Justin:  Yo, dis’ be J-Dawg, yo.  I sees dat you haven’t taken care of da “business” dat we talked about, yo.


Kevin:  No… need… to… rub… it… in.   I’ll… deal… with… that… as… soon…as… I…get… the… hell… out… of… here.


Justin:  Yo’ jus’ a pussy, you know dat?


Kevin:  Just… give… me… one… more… chance…, Justin.


Justin:  Yo, you give me yo’ word dat you’ll do da “business”?


Kevin:  You… have… my…word.


The door magically opens, and Kevin is set free.



In Brian’s room


Brian is sleeping in bed. 


Nick/Howie: Redrum…. *wink*  Redrum… and stuff like that… *walks slowly across room and picks up a knife*   Redrumredrum… *writes “Redrum” on bathroom door with hair gel* 


Brian:  *wakes up and looks into the mirror to see the word “murder” written on the bathroom door in hair gel (“redrum” backwards, for the intellectually-challenged readers)*  Ahh! 


Suddenly, Kevin appears at the door with an ax and starts chopping at the door.   Brian and Nick flee into the bathroom.  


Brian: *opens window*  Come on, Nick!  *grabs Nick and tries to shove him through window*  Nick, you’re too fat!


Nick:  I’m not fat,  I’m festively plump!


Brian:  You’re festively stupid! *continues to push Nick so that he is halfway through the window, head first*   Jeepers, Nick, why do you have to eat so many Twinkies?  Your butt’s too big to fit through!  *pushes Nick’s butt*


Nick:  Mmm… Twinkies…


Brian:  Arghh!!!!  *shoves Nick with all his might, causing the window to shatter and Nick to tumble out of the window*


Nick:  *rolls head over heels down big mound of snow*  Weee!  *lands on head at bottom and gets up, unharmed (like there’s anything in his head to screw up anyway)*  Come on down, Brian, it’s fun!


Brian: *starts to climb through window, but stops*  Wait!  My Bible!  I forgot my Bible!


Nick:  Brian, come on! *whines*  Forget about your stupid Bible!


Brian:  *gasps*  Nick!  Thou shalt not diss thine Bible!  Now you’re going to burn in the pits of Hell too!


Suddenly, Kevin can be heard outside the bathroom door.


Kevin:  Little… pigs… little… pigs…, let… me… in.  Not… by… the… hair… on… your… chinny… chin… chins?   Then… I’ll… huff…, and… I’ll… puff…, and… I’ll… blow… your… house… in! *laughs evilly*


Brian:  *begins to laugh too*  Kevin, you’re such a pussy.


Kevin:  *chops through bathroom door with ax and peers in psychotically*  Here’s… Johnny!


Brian:  *stares at Kevin in confusion*  Wait, who’s Johnny?  I thought your name was Kevin. 


Kevin: *stops to think about this for a minute, confused*


Brian:  Gotcha! *stabs Kevin’s hand with knife Nick had.  The blade of the knife falls off*  Gosh darnit!  This knife is plastic!  I’m gonna kill Nick! *quickly glances up at sky*  Sorry, Father, I didn’t mean that. 


Kevin:  *laughs evilly*  I… have… you… now… my… pretty.


Brian:  Eww, Kevin, I didn’t know you felt that way.


Kevin:  *gets all discombobulated*  No… I… didn’t… mean…


Brian:  Haha!  Gotcha again!  *kicks Kevin in balls as hard as he can*


Kevin:  Ahh!  *grabs crotch and disappears from door* 


Brian: *looks out window to see Nick trying to make snow angels outside*  Nick! 


Nick: *looks around confused for a little while before finally realizing where the sound is coming from*  Hi Brian! *waves*


Brian:  Run, Nick!  Just run away! 


Nick starts to lumber along, running as fast as his blubbery legs will carry him 


Brian:  *sounding slow and distorted*  Run, Nick, run! 


Miraculously, Nick begins to run faster, and the braces fall off of his legs… no wait, that’s Forrest Gump… well, he does run faster anyway…


Brian:  Now, I have to get that Bible!  *hurries into bedroom*



In the lobby


Miss Cleo arrives.


Miss Cleo:  Is der anyone here?


Suddenly, Kevin attacks her from behind and chops her up with ax. 


Kevin:  Take… that…, you… taro… card…-reading… hippie! *smiles in satisfaction*


Suddenly, a high pitched scream is heard from the nearby kitchen.   Kevin runs towards the kitchen to find Nick frantically trying to get out of the cabinet he managed to squeeze himself into.


Nick:  *pops out of cabinet and skids across floor*  Oomph!  *suddenly realizes Kevin is coming towards him with a bloody ax and begins to run*



In one of the hallways


Brian runs down a hallway, looking for Nick, clutching his Bible tightly under one arm.   He hears voices chanting gibberish all around him. 


Brian:  I’m not afraid.   The Lord is with me. 


Suddenly, Brian looks into one of the rooms to find a giant purple dinosaur having sex with a familiar looking blonde man. 


Brian:  Oh my goodness! It’s Barney!


Barney and the man jump out of bed, startled.


Brian:  *mouth drops open*  Jiminy Christmas!  Lance!?


The blonde man smiles gaily, and Barney begins to dance and sing.


Barney:  *sings*   I love Lance, Lance loves me…


Brian:  Oh sh-, I mean, poop!  I’m seeing things again!  *runs down hall* 





Nick runs into the hedge maze, Kevin close on his tail.  


Kevin:  Nicky!  I’m… coming!  You… can’t… get …away … now!


Nick:  I want my mommy!



In the lobby


Brian:  *sees chopped up bits of Miss Cleo lying in puddle of blood*  Jumping Jehosiphat!  *turns around to see a bloody-faced Justin Timberlake standing there*  Holy Mary, mother of Jesus!  *sees wave of blood crashing through double doors*  Ahhh!  *runs away*



In the maze


Nick sits in the center of the maze, packing a snow ball.   Suddenly, Kevin comes running towards him.


Kevin:  Die!


Nick:  Hey, Kev, think fast!  *hurls snow ball at Kevin*


Kevin:  *is unable to think fast*  Huh?  *gets hit in head with snow ball and falls over, unconscious*


Nick:  Sweet!   I knew my Hello Kitty yo-yo would come in handy someday.   *removes sparkly pink yo-yo from center of snowball and dusts it off*   Good as new!  *happily starts packing Kevin in snow and singing*  Kevin, the snowman, was an mean old nasty soul, with big eyebrows and a bulgy crotch, and a voice that went real slow… *continues making Kevin into a human snowman* … thumpity thump thump, thumpity thump, look at Kevin go, thumpity thump thump, thumpity thump, what a big dil-do!  *smiles proudly at his creation*



Outside the hotel


Brian:  *sees Nick running towards him*


Nick:  Brian, Brian! 


Brian:  Nick! *throws arms around Nick and hugs him*


Nick:  Ew, let go of me, you fag!


Brian:  *quickly lets go of Nick*  Hey, Nick, where’s Kevin?


Nick:  Hehe, you’ll see.  Come on!


Brian: *follows Nick into hedge maze*



In center of maze


Nick:  Lookie what I made! *points to large snowman*


Brian:  Nick!  This is no time for building snowmen!  Where’s Kevin?


Nick:  Right here.  *grins proudly and brushes snow off the head of the snowman to reveal Kevin’s face, which is blue and frozen*


Brian:  Nick, you’re a genius!


Nick:  Hey, don’t make fun of me!   I just saved your ass, buddy!


Brian:  *gives Nick strange look*  Uh, Nick, I just complimented you.


Nick:  Oh.  I knew that.  *nods and smiles blankly, wondering what the word “genius” means*   Hey, doesn’t Kevin look like one of those dead guys from Titanic? 


Brian:  Yeah, he kinda does.  Sweet!


Nick:  Hey, come on, Brian.   Let’s go take Miss Cleo’s snowmobile and go to Pizza Hut.   I’m starving!



The End



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Backstreet Boys in The Shining Ó 2001 by Julie