In the
emergency room of Cincinnati’s Bethesda North Hospital, heads turned as a man, dressed
all in black, barreled through the doors, carrying the limp body of a woman
wrapped in a blood-soaked blanket.
The triage
nurse looked up at the commotion and let out an “Oh!” of alarm as she jumped up
and hurried around her desk to grab a gurney.
“Here, lay her on this,” she said quickly, patting the clean, white
sheet covering the gurney.
“She’s in
labor,” AJ panted, lowering Jori onto the gurney. It scared him, the way her head and limbs
flopped down limply without the support of his arms, as if she were a mere rag
doll. “We were doing a home water birth,
but something went wrong,” he explained, without looking at the nurse. He could not take his eyes off Jori. Her complexion had always been fair, but he’d
never seen her face so white, almost gray.
Her eyes were closed, her features slackened and blank. He almost would have preferred her screaming
in pain, just to know she was still alive.
Anything was better than this pale, still Jori. “Please, you have to help her,” he begged the
nurse needlessly.
“She’s in
good hands,” the nurse assured him.
Before the
gurney was whisked away, he reached into the bundle of blanket and found Jori’s
hand. It felt like a dead fish, cold and
gray, floppy and wet, her fingers still pruny from
the pool. He squeezed it tightly, as if
the warmth and strength from his own hand could seep into hers, and he held on,
jogging alongside the gurney, as a group of people in lab coats and scrubs
steered it through the halls and into another room.
“Do we have
a history on this woman?” a new voice, a male voice, asked brusquely.
AJ glanced
up at the doctor who had spoken, but before he could say anything, another
voice from behind answered, “Jori Wilder, thirty-nine weeks, uncontrolled
bleeding during a water birth at home.”
He turned and saw with relief that the midwife, Barb, had joined
them. He was glad to let her do the
talking, while he tuned out the exchange of medical gibberish that followed.
“’Scuse me,
hon; we need to move her,” said a different nurse, and AJ found himself being
shunted away, his grip torn from Jori’s hand.
He stood back and watched with a surreal sense of shock, as the medical
personnel swarmed in around Jori. With
expert coordination, they picked up the edges of the blanket and used it like a
sling to swiftly slide her over to a new gurney in the center of the room. One nurse moved the old gurney out of the
room, and the rest surrounded the new one.
AJ watched
anxiously over their shoulders as their gloved hands swept over Jori’s body,
hooking her up to all kinds of different equipment. One attached leads to her chest, while
another threaded an IV into her arm. An
oxygen mask was placed over her face, while another device was clipped to her
finger, and a second monitor was strapped to her bulging belly. The nurse who had pushed the gurney out
returned with a cart carrying what AJ recognized as an ultrasound machine, and
in no time, the familiar whoosh whoosh of the sonogram joined the cacophony of other
sounds: the frantic beeping of the heart
monitor, the faint hiss of the oxygen tank, and frightening phrases that jumped
out to AJ’s ears.
“… BP’s
dangerously low…”
“… a placental abruption…”
“… going to
crash…”
“… emergency C-section…”
AJ’s head jerked
towards the doctor who was running the ultrasound. “C-section?” he repeated in alarm. “No, no, Jori wouldn’t want that. She wanted a natural birth.”
The doctor
looked up, his eyes meeting AJ’s. “I’m
sorry, but there’s no chance of a vaginal delivery. The placenta has detached from the uterus,
and your baby is in distress. It will
die if we don’t get it out immediately, and your wife could bleed to death. We need your consent for emergency surgery.”
Among his
racing thoughts were, She’s not my
wife. I can’t make this decision for
her. Nonetheless, a nurse pushed a
clipboard into AJ’s hands and started rattling off all the risks of
surgery. AJ barely heard her, though he
took in a few words. Bleeding.
Infection. Death. But when she handed him a pen and pointed to
a line at the bottom of the form, he scribbled some version of his
signature. What choice did he have? Jori wouldn’t have wanted this, but she would
be grateful if it saved her life and their daughter’s. She would understand. He’d done what he’d had to.
“Do we have
consent? Good,” said the doctor in the
same brusque manner, hardly waiting for the nurse to show him the signed
consent form. “We need to get her to the
main OR; she’s not stable enough to transfer to OB. Call up to OB and tell them we need an
attending down here to perform an emergency C-section, pronto.”
As the
doctor barked out orders, AJ moved in closer to Jori, and when no one told him
to back off, he reached for her hand again.
With his free hand, he rubbed her shoulder… touched her face… brushed
back her hair. He wished she would wake
up, but maybe it was better that she didn’t know what was going on. By the time she regained consciousness, it
would all be over. She wouldn’t have to
endure the panic and fear he was feeling, and once she had Lucy in her arms, it
wouldn’t matter how she’d arrived.
“Hang in
there, Jor,” he whispered, stroking the back of her
hand. “We’re gonna get you and Lucy
through this.”
“Sir?” He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to
see the nurse who had gone over the consent form standing beside him. “I’m sorry, but they need to move Jori to the
operating room now. One of our OBs is on
her way down to perform the Cesarean.
I’ll show you where you can wait.”
AJ
stared. “Wait? You mean, I can’t go with her?”
“Not to the
OR. I’m sorry.” The nurse apologized while gripping his upper
arm, already trying to steer him out of the room. “I’ll update you and let you know as soon as
your baby is born. If you’ll just follow
me…”
“Wait… just
give me a sec,” AJ insisted, twisting out of her hold at the foot of the
bed. He reached out and caught one of
Jori’s swollen ankles. “Love you, baby,”
he whispered, tenderly massaging her foot.
He traced over the black outline of a dove he had tattooed on her ankle
the day they’d met. He remembered how
she’d gritted her teeth through the ache of the needle pricks and insisted that
he keep talking, to distract her.
“Stay
strong,” he said now, squeezing her foot.
He was surprised when it didn’t jerk out of his grasp; she was usually
so ticklish. A lump rose in his
throat. “I’ll be with you when you wake
up,” he forced himself to continue. “Me
and Lucy.” It wasn’t a promise he was
sure he could keep, but if she could still hear him, he hoped it would
encourage her. Jori didn’t do well with
needles and hospitals. It was the whole
reason she had insisted on a home birth.
This was exactly what she hadn’t wanted.
Full of
doubts and regret, he finally allowed the nurse to pry him away from Jori and
lead him to a separate waiting area. “My
name’s Valerie,” she told him. “I’m
going to check on Jori, and I’ll be back to talk to you when I know more.” She left him with a clipboard full of forms
to fill out, for the hospital’s admitting and billing departments. AJ looked down at the paperwork and
sighed. He was glad he’d gotten Jori
insurance after she’d found out she was pregnant. He couldn’t fathom what all of this would
cost. Yet another reason Jori hadn’t
wanted to bother with the hospital.
He set to
work filling out the forms. He had a
hard time holding onto the pen; his fingers felt clumsy and numb. He stopped after every few questions, his
mind wandering, worrying. Had they
started yet? How long would it
take? What if something went wrong? What if he lost Jori, or Lucy, or both of
them?
He stopped
writing. The pen fell from his hand and
bounced once on the carpeted floor before rolling under his seat. He didn’t bother to bend down and retrieve
it. The words on the paper blurred
before his eyes, as they filled with tears.
He sniffed once, struggling to keep it together. Don’t
go there, he warned himself. Don’t even think it. He couldn’t imagine losing Jori, or the baby,
or God forbid…
They were
his family. His life. He’d never been happier than these last few
months, being with Jori, running the shop together, preparing for the birth of
their child. Living the dream. This couldn’t be the end of it. He wasn’t ready to wake up screaming.
***
Half an
hour later, the paperwork complete, AJ paced the waiting room, his cell phone
in his hand. He had intended to call
Jori’s parents and fill them in on what was happening, but instead, he’d dialed
the number of his own mother in Florida.
He couldn’t bring himself to get Jori’s mother and father all worked up
before he could reassure them that she was okay. His mom, meanwhile, had kept him from getting
too worked up himself.
“Jori’s a tough girl.
I know she’ll be fine. She’s in
good hands – the doctors’ and God’s. You
have to put your faith in them, Alex.
They’ll get her and Lucy through.”
His mother
was the only person allowed to call him by his given name, and she was the only
one able to comfort him, too. When he
ended the call, he felt reassured, but even so, his pacing feet stopped dead,
and so did his racing heart, when the nurse, Valerie, appeared in the doorway.
“How’s
Jori?” He pelted the question at her,
but she didn’t seem taken aback. She was
probably used to this sort of thing. She
offered a patient, professional smile.
“They’re
still working on her, trying to close her up.”
“Trying?”
AJ challenged.
“There was
some bleeding. It’s common with a
placental abruption,” Valerie explained calmly.
“In the meantime… would you like to see your daughter?”
AJ drew in
a breath. “Lucy? She’s out?
She’s alright?”
Valerie
nodded, her smile growing. “She’s
beautiful. You’re naming her Lucy? Is that short for anything? Lucille?”
AJ shook
his head. “Just Lucy. Lucy Sky Diamond McLean. That’s what Jori’s wanted to name her, ever
since we found out she was a girl.”
He didn’t
miss the way Valerie’s eyes widened slightly, but she recovered quickly and
replied, “I like it. She’ll be unique.”
He
nodded. “Just like my Jori.”
“Well… come
with me, and I’ll take you to meet Lucy,” said Valerie. She took him upstairs to the second floor,
where the maternity ward was located.
Following her into the ward, AJ was struck by how different it looked
and felt from the Emergency Room. The
floors on this level were inlaid with flooring designed to look like hardwood,
rather than industrial tile. The walls
were papered in soothing, pastel patterns, and the furniture looked soft and
comfortable. Even the lighting was
subdued, compared to the bright fluorescents a floor below. Everything about the décor suggested the ward
had been designed to feel warm and homey, rather than cold and sterile. AJ wished Jori had been able to deliver on
this floor, rather than in an operating room downstairs.
He was confused, at first, when Valerie took him past the big windows of the
nursery, through which he could see rows of babies in clear, plastic
cribs. “Isn’t Lucy in there?” he asked.
“We have
her in the NICU, for the time being.
She’s doing well now, but the neonatology team had to resuscitate her
after delivery, so they want to keep a close eye on her for at least a day, to
make sure there are no complications.
She seems healthy, though,” added Valerie quickly, when she saw the wave
of panic flood AJ’s face. She put her
hand on his arm, as they reached the NICU entrance. “Are you ready to go in and see her, Dad?”
Dad. For a moment, AJ
blinked in surprise, caught off-guard by hearing that title used in place of
his name. Before Jori’s pregnancy, he
had never imagined himself as someone’s “Dad.”
Now, he realized, he was. In a
couple of years, once she was old enough to talk, he would hear that word
coming from Lucy’s mouth. It was weird
to think about, but it made him swell with pride.
He nodded,
and Valerie held the door open and ushered him in. “Over here,” she said in a hushed voice,
leading him through a maze of plastic incubators. Though it didn’t seem possible, most of the
babies in this room were even tinier than the ones in the nursery. Their skin wasn’t smooth and pink, but red
and wrinkly, almost raw-looking. They were more sad than cute. He looked at them with pity as he walked
past, and his heart began to thump with apprehension as he wondered if Lucy
would be the same way.
“Here she is,”
cooed Valerie, stepping out of the way.
Walking
past her, AJ’s breath caught in his throat as he approached the open, plastic
crib and gazed down at the baby inside.
She was beautiful. She looked
exactly as she should – pink and perfect, with plump, rosy cheeks and ten tiny
fingers and toes.
“You can
touch her, if you want,” said Valerie.
“You won’t bother the equipment.”
There were
sticky pads attached to her bare chest and thin tubes coming out of her tiny
nostrils. AJ was careful not to bump them
as he reached in and brushed two fingers against her cheek. Her skin was warm and soft. He prodded one of her clenched fists with his
index finger and smiled when he felt her tiny fingers close around it. “Hello, little girl,” he whispered, his voice
hoarser than usual. “Hi, Lucy. It’s me… your daddy. You gave your mama and me a scare, but I’m
glad you’re here now, safe and sound. I
know your mom can’t wait to meet you…”
He was so
mesmerized by the miracle that was Lucy, he didn’t even notice when Valerie
pushed a rocking chair up behind him, nor did he was aware of actually sitting
down in it. But he would always remember
the moment when Valerie scooped Lucy up from her crib, wrapped her in a white
baby blanket, and placed her in his arms for the first time. He was cautious at first, afraid of holding
her too tightly, but Valerie helped him get her positioned, and he cradled her
close to his chest. He was still sitting
there, rocking her, when Jori’s doctor came in.
“Mr.
McLean?”
AJ looked up,
startled by the woman in a white coat who had called him by name.
“I’m Dr.
Jones, the obstetrician,” she introduced herself, and he felt himself go limp
with relief when she smiled. “I wanted
to let you know that Jori’s out of surgery and resting comfortably. There was some bleeding, and we had to give
her a transfusion, but she’s going to be fine.”
AJ released
his breath in a huge sigh. “Thank you,
Doctor,” he replied gratefully. “I’d
shake your hand, but mine are a little full right now…” He grinned down at Lucy, asleep in his arms.
Dr. Jones
smiled, too. “She’s a beautiful
baby. You and Jori are lucky parents.”
AJ
nodded. “I know. Can I see Jori?”
“Of
course. She’s just coming out of anesthesia,
and she’ll be in some pain, but I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you and hear
about the baby. Valerie can show you the
way.”
It was hard
to let Lucy go, but worth it to see for himself that Jori was alright. He followed Valerie out of the NICU and down
the hall, to a different part of the floor.
Jori lay in bed in a small room of her own. Her eyes were closed, her red hair spread
over the white pillowcase. The ends were
still damp, but the rest of her was dry, her wet bikini replaced with a thin
hospital gown. Wires and tubes snaked
out from under it, reminding him of how close he’d come to losing her. A lump rose in his throat as he gently lifted
her hand from the covers and gave it a squeeze.
It was warm and dry this time, and to his relief, he felt her fingers
curl around his in a weak squeeze back.
“Jori?” he
whispered, as her blue eyes fluttered open.
“You with me, babe?”
She gazed
up at him in confusion. “Did I have the
baby?” she murmured, her voice soft and slurred.
He smiled down
at her. “Yes you did. Lucy’s here, and she’s amazing. I can’t wait for you to see her.”
Her brow
furrowed. “What happened?” she
breathed. “Did I have a C-section?”
“You sure
you wanna hear all the gory details now?”
“Just tell
me…”
He sank down
on the edge of the mattress. “Yeah,
baby, you did.”
She closed
her eyes, as her whole face crumpled, and when she opened them again, they were
full of tears. “It hurts…” she
whimpered, as one of them slid down her pale cheek.
AJ reached
up and brushed it away with his finger.
“I know. But you’ll be
alright. You’ll get through it. Lucy’s counting on you.”
She nodded,
managing a wavery smile. “Lucy… Lucy in the sky…” Her eyelids drooped shut. “… with diamonds,” she murmured, and the
lines of pain in her face smoothed out, as she drifted back to sleep.
AJ remained
in his perch on the bed, still holding her hand.
***