This story is dedicated to all my readers and all my fellow BSB fans.
My tea’s gone cold
I’m wondering why I got
Out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds out my window
And I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’d all be gray
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad
- Dido, “Thank You”
She was awakened by a low clap of thunder in the distance and raindrops pattering against her window. Pulling herself into a sitting position, she rubbed her eyes groggily and glanced at the clock at her bedside. 6:08. Another morning. She was supposed to be getting up for school soon. Her alarm was set to go off at 6:30
As she sat tiredly on the edge of the bed, still twisted in her sheets, the events of the past few weeks flooded her mind in a vortex of despair.
“Annie, your father and I are getting a divorce. We both love you very much, but we don’t love each other anymore. We can’t keep this marriage together any longer…”
“Annie, it’s over. We’re not the right people for each other. I think we both need to move on and start seeing other people…”
“Annie, this is the third test in a row you’ve flunked. Your grade is going down the toilet. When are you going to start putting effort into your schoolwork?”
“Shut up, Annie, just shut up! As far as I’m concerned, this friendship is over. Don’t call me. Don’t even speak to me. And here’s my ticket for that Backstreet Boys concert. Go find a new best friend to take with you. I don’t even like the Backstreet Boys…”
“Annie, that was Grandma on the phone. Your grandfather had a heart attack last night. I’m sorry honey, but he died…”
As the horrible memories faded, tears flooded her eyes. What had happened to her life? What did she do to deserve dealing with so much at one time? Everything she had ever cared about was being taken away from her, her family, her grandfather, her boyfriend, her best friend, her grades, everything. And did anyone even notice, even care? Did anyone know what pain she was going through?
Sniffling loudly, she realized that she was all alone in the world. No one understood her. No one loved her. She was alone, friendless, and unloved. Why was she even still living? There was no reason. She might as well be dead. No one would care or even notice if she was gone.
And that’s when she made her mind up. She couldn’t take this suffering anymore. She had to end the pain, and with it, her life.
She left the room and in moments returned, a razor blade clutched in her palm. She sat on her bed, not caring how much blood would get on the bedspread. That didn’t matter now; nothing did.
She sat on the bed for many minutes, staring at the razor blade, and then at her wrist, back at the blade, and then back at her wrist. Finally, she took a deep breath and positioned the blade over her wrist, ready to slash it. The razor blade quivered with her trembling hand. She gripped it tighter, trying to steady it.
And suddenly, she leapt, as a burst of music flooded the room. Her heart racing, she realized it was her alarm clock, which was set on her favorite radio station. It was playing the song “Larger Than Life” by the Backstreet Boys, her favorite music group.
As she listened to the song, which had always been one of her favorites, tears filled her eyes once again. The razor blade finally slipped from her shaking fingertips and fell to the carpet at her feet. She made no attempt to pick it up.
Instead, she just sat there, her gaze rising to meet the poster that was hung on the wall directly across from her. It was her favorite poster, of the whole group. They all seemed to be staring at her, their eyes boring into her condescendingly.
And all at once, she knew she could not do it. She could not kill herself. What good would it do? End her pain, yes. But it would just cause others more pain. Her family, for example. With the recent divorce of her parents and the death of her grandpa, weren’t they all suffering enough already? Why would she choose to make them suffer even more? What kind of person was she?
Suicide would only prove that she was weak. That she was not strong enough to take a little pain. Well, that wasn’t true. She was strong, and she would prove it. She would live, for the people that cared about her, the people that needed her.
How your love’s affecting our reality
Every time we’re down
You can make it right
And that makes you larger than life
Back to you, she thought, as she listened to the familiar lyrics of the song that still played in the background.
“Annie? Are you up yet?” she heard her mother call from downstairs.
“Yeah, Mom!” she called back. “I’ll be right down.”
She slid off the bed, bent to the ground, and picked up the fallen razor blade. She tossed it into the wastebasket beside her nightstand and shut off her alarm. She turned to her poster and whispered, “Thank you.” Then she started getting ready to school.
Thank You Ó 2001 by Julie