Chapter 146
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It’s hard to find relief
And people can be so cold…
Jamie
showed no signs of wanting to talk for the rest of the day. Claire was on the couch, engrossed in a novel
(a hopeless distraction), when he finally came upstairs late in the
afternoon. She expected him to
apologize, or at least to go rummaging for food in the kitchen – he had
to be hungry by now – but he did neither.
He walked straight past her and down the hall.
He better not be stealing the bedroom, she thought, frowning, when she heard
their bedroom door click shut. He could
hide out in the basement all she wanted, but she was not going to sleep
on the couch. She had a hard enough time
sleeping as it was.
Twenty
minutes later, the door opened again, and Jamie came stomping back up the
hall. When he appeared in the living
room, she looked up casually and saw that he had changed into nicer clothes and
had his wallet and keys in hand.
“Where are
you going?” she asked coolly, looking him over.
“Out,” he
muttered. “Called some old friends…
people I knew when I lived here before.
They said to call when I was back in town, so... I’m meeting up with
them. That okay with you?”
She could
tell by the way he voiced that question that it didn’t matter whether it was
‘okay’ with her or not. “Whatever,” was
all she said in return. Truthfully, she
didn’t care if he went to meet his friends, but it annoyed her that he hadn’t
made any effort to invite or include her.
She didn’t know a soul in the area, except for his mother, whom,
thankfully, she’d been spared from so far.
The hospital stay had done that, she was sure. Jamie wouldn’t want his mother to see how
much tension there was in their new house already.
The tension
diluted some as he walked out, tossing a casual reminder to “Take it easy,”
over his shoulder, but it was immediately replaced by loneliness. It had been a long time since Claire had felt
this utterly alone. She had lived by
herself for years and never minded it; she’d always liked her
independence. But it was different
now. She was not just alone in the
house, but alone in a part of the country where she knew virtually no one, her
friends and family all a full day’s drive away.
And even more upsetting, she suddenly felt alone in her marriage, her
six-month marriage which had suddenly grown cold.
“Damn
hormones,” she cursed under her breath as the felt the tears threaten
again. She blinked them away, trying to
focus on the words on the page of her open book, but she quickly found she
could no longer concentrate. She marked
her page and closed the book, setting it aside on the coffee table. Then she went to get her cell phone.
It had
helped to talk to her parents earlier, so she decided another phone call might
cheer her up. She immediately dialed
Dianna, hoping her best friend would have some good advice. Dianna was usually good at dispensing the
stuff, often without being asked.
But to
Claire’s dismay, Dianna had little to offer this time. She was sympathetic, of course, even beside
herself with emotion over Claire’s news.
“Oh, Claire… Claire,” she kept repeating, sounding close to tears. “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re having to
go through this…” But she had no words
of wisdom, no advice column-worthy answer to Claire’s dilemma. “I don’t know what to tell you, girl,” she
admitted. “It’s not my place to decide…
you and Jamie have to figure out what’s right for you. I don’t even know what I’d do, if it were
me.”
“It’s
okay,” Claire said softly, knowing she shouldn’t expect her friends to shoulder
the burden that was hers and Jamie’s. No
one could really know what they would do in this situation unless they were in
her shoes, facing it head on. “Thanks
for listening, anyway.”
“Oh,
anytime!! You know you can always call
me. Keep me posted, okay? And give Jamie a smack upside the head for
me, too. I know he’s going through a
hard time too, but sheesh, he doesn’t have to be such a total dick about it.”
Claire
smiled at that, grateful for Dianna’s unwavering loyalty and sense of
humor. “The way he’s acting, I just
might have to.”
“You go,
girl! You know I’ve got your back, no
matter what, right?”
“I
know. Thanks, Di…”
“Absolutely! Hang in there, Claire… things will get
better. They’ve got to, right?”
Not at all
sure herself, Claire assured Dianna that they would and got off the phone. Hearing her best friend’s voice had made her
feel slightly better, but not much. She
knew Dianna felt bad and had tried to help, but when it came down to it, she
couldn’t really imagine or understand the decision Claire was facing. No one could, no one but her, Jamie, and any
other couple who had been put in their position before.
She wished
she knew someone who had faced a similar decision, wished she had someone to
talk to and ask questions. But she
racked her brain and could think of no one.
Most of her friends didn’t have children yet, and those that did had
conceived them naturally, with no major problems. Calling her brother and sister-in-law would
be futile for that very reason; besides, they’d hear the news from her parents
soon enough.
Her
second-closest girlfriend, after Dianna, was Laureen, but the thought of
calling her made a sick feeling settle into the pit of Claire’s stomach. She loved Laureen and could have used her
upbeat attitude, but a terrible thought had occurred to her: Laureen was a triplet herself. She had two brothers in Chicago, whom Claire
knew she kept in close touch with. She
could not imagine what Laureen would think if she found out Claire was actually
considering terminating one of her triplets.
As sweet and understanding as Laureen was, Claire just knew she would
not be able to understand this. Afraid
of getting another reaction like Jamie’s (though, undoubtedly nicer), Claire
bypassed Laureen’s name on the list of contacts stored in her phone.
Mostly out
of boredom, she continued flipping through the contacts: Mom…
Mrs. Turner…
Suddenly,
she stopped. There, highlighted in the
small window of her cell phone, was the name of someone she had not yet thought
to call. Someone who had never been
pregnant and never would, but who just might be able to appreciate what she was
going through, for he had once had to make a gut-wrenching decision of his own…
When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can’t take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken hard
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You’re not alone…
***
Nick sat
inside a small lounge at the recording studio, sucking on a Blow-Pop and
playing absently with his phone.
He’d been
in the sound booth most of the afternoon, laying down back-up vocals for some
of his songs that had yet to be finished, and had decided it was time for a
break. Even though he’d been working
out, his endurance wasn’t what it used to be, especially when it came to
singing, he’d discovered. His voice was
as strong as ever, but since recovering from BOOP, he’d noticed that he ran out
of breath faster, and after a couple of hours of almost constant singing, he
needed to rest – body, voice, and lungs.
He supposed
he shouldn’t be talking on the phone if he was supposed to be resting his voice
and saving his breath, but studio breaks were boring without the other guys to
goof off with. He flipped through the
contacts on his phone, looking for someone to call during the downtime.
He
hesitated a moment on Claire’s name, then kept going; they hadn’t parted on
such good terms at her going away party, when he’d accused her husband of lying
about his sudden job transfer and then beat him up right in front of her. He was curious to see how she was liking (or
hating) Iowa, as he hadn’t heard from her since the move, but he would wait
until she called him.
He scrolled
further and came upon Laureen’s name, at which he looked down with
interest. I promised I’d give her a
call, he remembered, so why not call her now?
He had felt
better about Laureen since talking to her at Claire’s party, and he hadn’t
forgotten the way she had silently stood up for him against Jamie’s and his
friends’ taunting. She had been able to
see what Claire and most others couldn’t, so if nothing else, he was starting
to view her as not just a friend, but an ally.
He punched
the button to call her and watched as his phone automatically dialed her
number. Then he put the phone to his
ear, waiting as it rang on her end.
After just two rings, she answered, sounding breathless. “Hello??”
“Hey,
Laureen?” he asked casually, taking the sucker out of his mouth. “It’s Nick.”
“I-I know…
I mean, I have you in my contacts,” she explained quickly, sounding sheepish.
He smiled;
even her voice on the phone was cute.
“Just makin’ sure. So, what’s
up?”
“Umm, not
too much… just making some dinner,” she giggled nervously.
“Oh
yeah? Whatcha makin’?”
“Uhh…
frozen pizza.”
She sounded
embarrassed, but he chuckled. “Frozen
pizza, that’s cool.”
Laughing,
she said, “Yeah… not nearly as good as a deep-dish in Chicago though.”
“Oh, I hear
ya, me and the guys always go out for pizza when we’re playing Chicago. That city’s got, like, the best food
ever. At least in the States. I dunno, I’m not really big on most of the
foreign food we try when we’re overseas anyway… gimme a greasy American pizza
any day. Well, I guess pizza isn’t
technically American… it’s more, like, Italian, right? But whatever.”
Way to ramble, Carter, he thought, as Laureen giggled. “So you’re from Chicago, right? Originally?” he asked her.
“Yeah!” she
chirped, sounding surprised that he knew or remembered.
“Well, you
should plan to go back for a visit when I’m touring… probably over the
winter. Chicago’s almost always on the
itinerary, so I can hook you up with tickets, and maybe you can show me some of
your favorite spots in the city, and we’ll grab a deep-dish together. Whaddya think?”
“Oh wow,
that would be so cool!! Yeah, totally,
we should do that!” she exclaimed.
“Cool,
cool. I’ll have to call you when we get
the tour details all worked out then.”
“Okay!”
Nick smiled
at her obvious enthusiasm. His bruised
cheek twinged slightly as the muscles flexed, and, suddenly remembering his
fight with Jamie again, he was just about to ask if she’d heard about it when
his phone beeped. “Oh, crap,
Laureen? Hey, I think someone else is
trying to call me… hang on while I check this.”
“Okay!” he
barely heard her say before he slapped another button, cutting her off and
switching over to the new call. “Hello?”
he answered, putting the phone back up to the uninjured side of his face.
“Hey, Nick…
are you busy?”
Nick
frowned at the new voice, also female and familiar-sounding, yet…
different. “Claire?” he asked in
confusion. It had to be her, but she
didn’t sound quite like herself.
“Yeah. Am I bothering you?”
Her voice
was quiet and hesitant, and he could tell something was wrong. Though it didn’t sound urgent, he was mildly
concerned, and so he said, “No, no, of course not. Can you hold on just one sec? One second, okay?”
Putting her
on hold, he switched back to Laureen.
“Hey, Laureen? I’m really sorry,
but can I call you back later? This
other call… it sounds like it could be important.”
“Oh,
okay. No problem! I’ll talk to you later then, if you have
time,” replied Laureen, as understanding as ever.
“Thanks. Catch ya later, girl,” he promised and ended
the call with her, quickly switching back over to Claire. “Claire?
I’m here. What’s up?”
“Do you
have some time?” she asked, her voice pleading.
“I just really need to talk…”
He hadn’t
heard her sound so upset or needy in a long time, perhaps not since he had
comforted her over Casey’s death. She
didn’t seem at all like her usual strong, composed self, which made it even
more apparent that something was really wrong.
Furrowing
his brow, he spoke into the phone. “I’m
listening...”
***
Claire lay
on the couch, curled on her side, one hand on her stomach while the other held
the phone tightly to her ear. “I’m so
sorry to bother you with this,” she apologized, “but I’ve just got some stuff
going on, and there aren’t many people I can talk to…”
“I told
you, I’m listening,” said Nick, his voice as reassuring as ever. “Now what’s going on?”
It took her
several minutes to fill him in. There
was a lot he didn’t know to begin with – she’d never told him about the heart
damage that had landed her in the hospital two years ago. At the time, he had been out of the country,
recording for the Backstreet Boys album, and she hadn’t seen the point in
burdening him with it then. Now she had
to tell him about that, as well as the most recent episode and her doctor’s
concerns that, with the heart condition, she wouldn’t be strong enough to carry
three babies safely to term.
“… She said
I should think about ‘reducing’ the pregnancy from three babies to two. You know that means? It’s the sugary way of telling me I should
abort one of them,” said Claire, her voice cracking with emotion.
She could hear Nick suck in a slow breath over the phone. “And what happens if you don’t?” he asked
quietly. “I mean, could you… die?”
Claire’s
stomach turned over. “Yeah. I could die, or go in heart failure. The babies could die or end up having severe
problems because they were born too early.
But… there’s only a chance of those things happening. No one knows.
Everything could go fine. It’s
just… not likely…” She trailed off,
sighing. “It’s just, I’m afraid if I go
through with this reduction, I’ll always wonder what would have happened. What if I… what if I did it for nothing, you
know? But then, if I don’t do it, and
something horrible happens… I don’t know if I’d ever be able to forgive myself
for that either. It doesn’t matter which
way I choose; if I make a mistake, either way, I’ll never be able to take it
back…”
***
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You’re caught in a one-way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away
And you feel like you can’t face the day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken hard
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You’re not alone…
Listening
to Claire go back and forth, sounding close to tears as she weighed her options
aloud, Nick was struck by how much he could empathize with her.
He wouldn’t
have thought it possible to even begin to understand what it was like to be a
pregnant woman, trying to decide whether or not to abort one of her babies – it
was obviously not a decision he would ever face himself. But he had made other decisions himself,
decisions which, like hers, involved serious risks and consequences, in which
his choice could mean the difference between life and death, and a mistake
could be permanent.
He was
thinking mainly, of course, of the decision to amputate his leg.
It had been
over four years now, but he could still remember vividly being in her position…
trying to decide…
“Nick…”
Brian trailed off, his mouth still open as he searched for the right
words to say. Finally, he gave up and
simply said, “Is this the only option you’ve been given?”
“Basically,” Nick mumbled without
looking at him. “If I refuse the
surgery, Dr. K thinks it will spread more, and then I’m basically fucked. Thirty-three percent is the highest chance of
survival once it gets to somewhere else in the body.” How he had remembered that statistic was
beyond him; he’d never been one to spurt random bits of knowledge like
that. Then again, this was not random at
all, not some useless piece of trivia.
This was his life they
were talking about.
The blood drained from Brian’s
already-pale face. “So this is the only
option.”
“No, I got two options – either the leg
goes, or I go. Simple as that,” Nick
replied flippantly, jiggling one foot and staring hard at the wall as he
blinked back tears.
“Then… then the leg goes… right?”
Nick looked at his lap. “I
don’t wanna live without my leg, Brian,” he said quietly.
Swallowing
hard at the memory, Nick cleared his throat and said into the phone, “I’m so
sorry, Claire. I know how much you want
to have these babies. And I know… I know
I can’t relate exactly to what you’re going through, but… if it helps any, I… I
think I can sort of understand. When my
cancer relapsed, Dr. Kingsbury told me if I didn’t go through with the
amputation, it would probably spread more, and there was a good chance I would
die. I know it’s not the same,” he added
quickly, “I mean, a leg isn’t a baby, but… it was still a part of me, you know,
and at the time, I didn’t see how I’d ever be able to let them take it…” He trailed off, waiting nervously for her
reaction.
His heart
sank when he her let out an unmistakable sob.
Had he said the wrong thing?? He
had only been trying to help; he knew it wasn’t the same situation, but still…
“I know… I
know,” Claire said, and she was clearly crying now. “That’s why I called you. I just realized… if anyone could understand,
it’d be you. You always
understand, when no one else does. I’m
so… so lucky to have you in my life still.
I know I don’t deserve it, but… thank you, Nick. Thank you so much for always being there…”
It was hard
to understand her wavering voice, thick with tears, but Nick thought he’d
gotten most of it. He blinked in
surprise; he hadn’t been expecting that reaction from her. It made his heart ache, hearing her sob that
way. He’d only seen her this way a few
times in all the years he had known her, and only when things were really
bad. She was clearly hurting.
“It’s okay,
honey,” he said quietly, wishing he could console her. “You know I’m always here for you.”
“I know,”
she whimpered again, her ragged breathing the only sound on the other end of
the line.
He frowned,
slightly confused. Why did it sound as
if she had no one else to talk to about this?
From the way she was sobbing, he kept picturing her all alone and
distraught, with no one else to turn to but him. It was a horrible image. Where was her husband?? Why wasn’t he comforting her and helping her
make this awful decision? Why had she
reached out to him and not Jamie?
He had to
ask. “Claire? Is Jamie there with you?”
She
sniffled loudly in response and gulped, “No!
He’s… he’s out with his friends.
He won’t talk to me. I’ve tried,
but all he’ll say is that we’re not k-killing our baby, and then he goes back
to avoiding me. I don’t know what to
do…”
Nick’s
temper flared, the way it had when Jamie had confronted him on the beach just a
week ago. “So you’re sitting at home
crying, and he’s not even there?!” he asked in disbelief, his voice
rising. “What kind of man is he, leaving
his wife alone to deal with all of this??
God, Claire… that’s just not right!
You shouldn’t be alone through this!
When I… when I was trying to decide about my leg, I had to call
someone, or I would have gone fucking crazy!
If Brian hadn’t come to be with me, I don’t know what I would have
done. And this decision isn’t something
you can make on your own… he’s the fucking father; he needs to talk it over
with you!”
“Oh, I
wouldn’t call it ‘talking it over,’ but he got his point across, that’s for
damn sure,” she sniffed bitterly. “It’s
like, because he is their father, he gets the final word. He won’t even listen to me! I didn’t tell him I wanted to go through with
it, but he won’t even consider it. It’s
against our religion… abortion is a sin…”
Her voice
turned dull, but Nick’s grew sharper.
“Yeah, well, so is suicide, right?
I mean, look at it this way – if you go against your doctor’s advice,
you’d be putting your own life in danger.
You could be killing yourself.”
In his
mind, there was only one decision to make.
He couldn’t let her risk her life, when even her doctor was telling her
it would be dangerous to keep carrying the triplets. He felt no attachment of his own to the
babies, but Claire… he would always care deeply about Claire. She was what mattered most, and though he
knew how much it would hurt her to lose one of them, he couldn’t stand the idea
of her dying in childbirth.
“Claire,”
he said pleadingly, when she didn’t answer, “you have lived through too much to
put your life in jeopardy again. You beat
cancer. You beat it by listening
to your doctors and going through the treatments they recommended, no matter
how hard they were. That’s what I did,
too, when I let them cut off my leg.
It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but I made it because I
didn’t want to die. And I have no
regrets, cause I’m alive today.
Sometimes… sometimes you have to make sacrifices.”
“I know,”
Claire cried, “but it’s a baby, Nick!
It’s alive inside of me… and if I do this…”
“If you do
it, you’ll have a better chance of raising two other healthy babies. Right?”
She
sniffled. “Yeah…”
“And
Claire… my leg’s never gonna grow back, but you can always try for another baby
someday. I know it’s not the same… but
you’ve got to give yourself that chance.
Don’t sacrifice yourself over this. Even if he is a prick, I know Jamie loves you…
he wouldn’t want to lose you. And… I
don’t want to lose you either,” said Nick, his last words slipping out quietly.
In his mind, he could hear Brian’s
voice again. “Y-you have to do it. I don’t
wanna lose you, Nick. It’s just your
leg…”
“I’m not
ready to die,” Claire admitted tearfully.
“I want to be a mother, more than anything, and watch my babies grow
up.”
“Then
listen to your doctor,” Nick urged her.
“I know it’s gonna be hard, but you have to trust her. She wouldn’t suggest it if she didn’t think
it was the best thing to do.”
“I barely
know her,” Claire sniffled. “But I trust
you…”
Nick smiled
a little. “Well, don’t just trust
me. Try and talk to Jamie again,
okay? And if that doesn’t work, lemme
know, and I’ll come beat his ass into submission again, okay?”
Finally, a
giggle from Claire. “Okay,” she said
thickly. “You’re the best, Nick.”
Smiling
again, Nick was about to reply, when the door of the lounge burst open. “You about ready, Carter?” his producer
asked, popping his head inside.
Nick
lowered his phone, cupping his hand across the bottom. “Give me a few more minutes,” he said,
tapping the phone. “Important call.”
The
producer gave a short nod. “Sure.”
When he
left, Nick put the phone back to his ear.
“Sorry about that,” he apologized quickly.
“That’s
alright. Are you busy?” asked Claire.
“Nah, it’s
fine. I’m on a break. I’m at the studio, just finishing up some
vocals for a couple tracks, but it’s nothing that can’t wait.”
“Oh… well,
you should get back to work. I don’t
want to keep you.”
“No, no,
seriously; you’re way more important than this song.”
“Well,
thanks,” Claire chuckled, and he could tell she was smiling, “but I should go
anyway. I’m gonna make myself some
dinner and try to chill out for awhile.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah… I’ll
be fine,” she said, and her voice did sound less shaky. “Just talking to you has helped a lot. It always does.”
Invisible
fingers tugged at his heart. “Back at
ya,” he replied sincerely. “You were
always there for me when I was going through all that shit four years ago… and
I promise you, no matter what Jamie does, I’m gonna be there for you through
this, alright? You do what you think is
best, but make sure it’s your choice, not just his.”
“Oh, don’t
worry,” she laughed dryly. “You know I
don’t take well to being pushed around.”
“I know,”
he smiled. “Listen, I mean what I said,
about coming to Iowa… not just to beat his ass, but to be there for you, if you
need anyone, okay? Just call me. I’m good at pulling strings with airlines; I
can be there in a few hours.”
“Thanks,
Nick,” she whispered. “I’m gonna be
alright though… this too shall pass, right?”
“Yeah… I
know you will. You’ve always been strong,”
Nick assured her.
But once
they hung up, a few minutes later, he couldn’t help but think that he’d never
heard her sounding more fragile. If
Jamie didn’t take care of her, the way he had vowed to on their wedding day,
Nick was afraid that even Claire just might break.
‘Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it’s over, you’ll breathe again
You’ll breathe again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken hard
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You’re not alone…
- “Crash and Burn” by Savage Garden
***