Chapter 75
Claire
lingered over breakfast early the next morning.
She was always up early these days, either because she had to work or
because the previous night’s sleep had been so restless. Sometimes it was both; today, it was the
latter. She wasn’t scheduled to work
because she was supposed to be at home in Tampa, with Nick; yet here she was,
sitting at her mother’s kitchen table in her parents’ house in Gainesville.
“Eat up,”
her mother said as she passed the table, giving Claire a light swat on the
shoulder. “Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day, you know.”
“Ugh, Mom,
please,” Claire groaned. Though she
normally had no problem eating, she hadn’t had an appetite in days. Breaking off one’s engagement would do that
to a person, she supposed.
“What? It is!
And you need to eat. You haven’t
had any energy lately.”
Claire
rolled her eyes. “Gee, Mom, maybe that’s
because I’ve been working two jobs and just broke up with my boyfriend
yesterday,” she snapped.
Her mother
stopped and offered her a sympathetic smile.
“I know, honey,” she said. “I
just want to make sure you’re staying healthy.
You have been feeling alright, haven’t you? Physically, I mean.”
Clenching
her teeth to keep from growling, Claire nodded stiffly. She knew her mother meant well and was just
being a mom, concerned for her daughter, but the overprotective thing had been
going on for years and years, and it was getting old. Let her worry about her dad’s health indeed
for once. She was twenty-five now and
well-aware of what symptoms to look for, should something relating to her
leukemia flare up again.
That
reminded her, Nick had his quarterly check-up that morning. It was the reason he had flown home from LA
early. She felt a pang of guilt as she
thought of him going in alone; for the last year or so, they had always
accompanied each other to doctor’s appointments.
She sighed
to herself, wondering just how long the thought of Nick was going to cause her
to ache the way she did. If they didn’t
get back together? Probably a long, long
time. She realized she was inflicting
this pain upon herself (and probably on him too), but she’d done what she felt
she needed to do. Still, it didn’t make
it hurt any less…
“Don’t sigh
at me,” her mother scolded gently. “You
know I can’t help but be concerned once in awhile. You’ve gone through a lot lately… I worry.”
Claire
managed a smile. “I know, Mom. And I wasn’t sighing at you. I was just thinking about Nick. He has a doctor’s appointment today… and I’m
not there. No one’s there for him.”
Her
mother’s expression grew sympathetic once again. “Oh, Claire… are you sure you couldn’t have
worked it out any other way? I know
things were complicated between you two, but I also know how much you care for
him, and I can tell how much he loves you too.
He’s always been there for you.”
Almost always, she thought, but she didn’t say
it. Her mom did not know about the night
he’d run out on her and kissed another woman when the thing she’d needed most
was simply his comfort… and she didn’t plan to tell her. That was between her and Nick… well, and
Dianna and Jamie. No one else needed to
know.
“When you
were in the hospital two years ago…”
“I know,
Mom,” she mumbled, her cheeks growing warm.
Her mother had loved Nick from the day he’d hopped a flight from New
York to come back to Tampa and be with her after her bone marrow transplant,
when no one knew if she’d make it or not.
“I love him, very much, but… like you said, it’s complicated.” She’d already poured her heart out to her
mother the night she’d moved out of his house, explaining her reasoning through
her tears, hoping for some reassurance that she hadn’t just made a horrible
mistake.
Her mother
nodded in understanding and opened her mouth to reply, but never got the
chance. The phone rang, and she said,
“Oh, let me get that,” and hurried over to pick up the wall phone. Claire turned back to her barely touched
eggs, which were starting to turn rubbery.
She gave them a poke with her fork, feeling rather like a picky
six-year-old, and nearly jumped out of her chair when she heard her mother
exclaim, “Oh!!” Claire looked up in
surprise. “Oh my gosh! We’re on our way! Be there in a couple hours!” her mother
spouted excitedly and hung up the phone.
Just as she
did, it dawned on Claire what was going on.
“Oh my God, was that Kyle?!” she asked, jumping up from her seat.
Her
mother’s face was radiant. “Yes! Amber’s in labor; they’re at Tampa General
right now!”
A rush of
the kind of happiness Claire had not felt in weeks bubbled inside her, and she
bounced eagerly on the balls of her feet, feeling like a kid on Christmas
morning. Her brother and sister-in-law
were having their baby; in a matter of hours, she’d be an aunt! “I’ll go get Dad!” she burst and hurried off
to find him and tell him the good news.
***
Claire’s
family was on its way to Tampa, their spirits high, when Nick awoke, his
spirits very low. The events from the
previous day, from Claire’s “Dear John” (Dear Nick?) letter to the girl from the
club’s rejection, came pouring back to him all at once, like a vat of boiling
water dumped right over his head. As if
his head wasn’t hurting enough as it was.
He didn’t think he’d had that much to drink last night – at least he’d
felt pretty sober by the time he had driven himself home – but the effects of a
mild hangover were unmistakable. He felt
like shit, in every possible way.
Yesterday
had been one of the worst days of his life (topped only by the day he’d lost
his leg, the day he’d been diagnosed with cancer, the day AJ had gone to rehab,
the day… well, come to think of it, he’d had a lot of pretty shitty days, but
this was definitely one of them.) And
today wasn’t starting out any better.
One look at the date and time on his clock reminded them that he had an
appointment in the oncology clinic that morning… which he’d forgotten about and
was currently missing.
“Fuck,” he
swore as he sat up, his shoulders slumping as he realized he was never going to
get there in time. Not like he really wanted
to, but he didn’t have a choice. His
last missed appointment had resulted in him being rushed to the hospital for
life-threatening lung surgery to remove a tumor that could have been caught
months earlier. He wasn’t about to make
that mistake again.
Dragging
his hands down his face, he sighed in frustration. “I’ll just have to reschedule it,” he
muttered and reached for his cell phone, knowing Kevin would be first in line
to smack him if he let this one go.
***
Even as she
sat playing the waiting game on the maternity floor of Tampa General Hospital,
filled with anticipation at the thought of Kyle’s son or daughter being born
right down the hall, Claire’s thoughts inevitably drifted back to Nick. He was probably there right now, in the same
hospital, just three floors up, having his check-up. She hoped he was okay.
Nick’s tough, she assured herself. He’ll be fine.
Still, a
part of her wanted to go upstairs and find out if he was there, maybe see him
when he got out, just to make sure it was alright. It wasn’t like she would miss anything down
here; from the way things sounded, it would still be hours before the baby was
born. Quickly, though, she decided
against it. It just wasn’t a good
idea. If Nick was hurting, her showing
up unexpectedly wasn’t going to make things any easier for him. He probably wouldn’t want to see her anyway.
She
frowned; this was going to be tough. She
still wanted a friendship with Nick, but she knew he wouldn’t go for that, at least
not right away. He wouldn’t want her as
his friend; he’d want his girlfriend back.
And she wasn’t ready to go back to him, not like that. But you do miss him, she had to admit
to herself. And it’s only been a day.
She sighed
to herself; yes, this was going to be tough alright. But there was no turning back, no changing
her mind, no going back to him – at least not for now. If she did, they’d be facing the same problems
they had before she left, only it would be even worse because his trust in her
would be completely shattered. It
probably already had been. No, she
couldn’t go back.
But you can still be a friend to him, she thought, whether he likes it
or not.
“You okay,
kiddo?” her dad asked suddenly, squeezing her knee.
Jarred from
her thoughts, she turned to him and smiled.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said. “I
just hate waiting; you know me.”
Her father
smiled back. “I know. You always were impatient. Just think of what Kyle’s going through back
there… I can’t even begin to tell you how nervous and antsy I was waiting for
him to born – and it was the same way with you.”
She forced
herself to laugh. “Yeah, I’m sure he’s
wearing a hole in the floor pacing Amber’s room.” That’s what he’d been doing the whole time
Claire was in the room at least, darting around the room like a hyperactive
child. She was excited for him though;
it was great to see her brother so pumped.
He was going to make a great dad to this baby.
Her dad
chuckled as well. “And I imagine your
mom’s doing the same thing.” She had
stayed behind while Claire and her dad retreated to a waiting room; she and
Amber’s mother were both going to be there to witness the birth of their first
grandchild.
“Probably
so,” agreed Claire, not blaming her. She
felt a little like pacing herself… right on up to the oncology floor. You can’t, she warned herself, but
then she had a better idea. Digging a
quarter out of her wallet, she stood and said, “I’ll be right back, Dad; I’m
just gonna go make a phone call.”
She left
the waiting room and walked around the corner, looking for the nearest pay
phone. When she found one, she deposited
her quarter and dialed Nick’s home number.
The phone rang four times before his answering machine picked up; a lump
rose in her throat as she listened to his familiar voice on the recording. She cleared it away just as the machine
beeped and tried to keep her voice nonchalant as she left her message. “Um, hey, Nick, it’s me. I’m just calling cause I know you had an
appointment this morning, and I wanted to make sure everything went well. Um… if I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume
that everything is fine.” She paused,
wondering what else she should say. Kyle
and Amber’s baby came to mind, but maybe he wouldn’t want to hear about
it. Maybe he wouldn’t want to hear from
her at all.
After a
long pause, she finally just finished, “Well, um… I guess that’s all. I’ll see ya.”
Reluctantly ending the call, she dropped her phone back into her purse
and leaned against the wall, biting her bottom lip. That was so awkward, she lamented
inwardly, and the thought bothered her, for she had always felt comfortable
around Nick.
It’s your fault though, she reminded herself. You did this. You made this choice.
She just
hoped she wouldn’t live to regret it.
***
It took a
lot for Nick to drag himself out of bed that morning, but finally, he did. Not even bothering to get dressed, he simply
put on his prosthesis and wandered downstairs.
He headed straight for the kitchen out of habit, only to realize he was
not hungry halfway there. Changing his
mind, he turned and headed into his office, intending to immerse himself in
computer games and forget his real life existed.
He had just
sat down at his desk and opened his laptop when the flashing light on his answering
machine caught his eye, signaling that he had new messages. Automatically, he slapped at the button to
play them and leaned back in his chair to listen. “You have… 4 new messages,” the
automated answering machine voice told him and read off the time the first one
had been left. It was from yesterday
evening; Nick supposed he had been out already.
“Hey Nick, it’s Kev,” Kevin’s deep, mellow voice resonated
from the machine. “I just heard about
you and Claire and wanted to see if you were okay. We should talk, bro, so please call me when
you get this, alright?” The message
was short and simple, but Kevin’s tone of voice made it clear that he was
concerned about his younger brother.
Nick smiled a little, comforted by that thought, just as he had been
talking to Laureen last night. It was
nice to know everyone hadn’t abandoned him, the way Claire had.
“Nick, man, it’s Brian,” began the next message, and again,
Nick smiled, recognizing Brian’s unmistakable drawl. “AJ told me what happened… I’m so sorry,
bro. If there’s anything I can do or if
you wanna talk or get together, give me a call, okay? I’m here for ya. Listen, I’ll try you again tomorrow if I
don’t hear back from you tonight; I wanna hear how your doctor’s appointment
went anyway. Talk to you later, bud.”
Nick
cringed as the message ended, knowing Brian wasn’t going to be too happy to
hear that he’d missed the appointment that morning. But oh well; he’d rescheduled it for the
Monday after next, the earliest he could get in, so they couldn’t lecture him
too much.
“Hey Nicky, it’s D,” Howie’s voice kicked in next, and Nick
stifled a laugh; this was getting all too predictable. “Sorry I’m so late in calling, but I just
found out what happened with Claire. I
can’t believe this, man… I’m at a loss.
I’ll be back in Orlando on Sunday, so we should definitely get together
and hang out. If you wanna talk or
anything before then, call me anytime.
I’ll try you back before I leave town; hang in there, okay? Later, man.”
Nick heard
the click of the phone as Howie hung up; then the message cut off. When the beep before the next message
sounded, Nick figured he would hear AJ’s raspy voice next. He’d already talked to AJ twice the day
before, but it only made sense. Anyway,
who else would be calling?
His heart
nearly stopped when he heard her voice.
“Um, hey, Nick, it’s me. I’m just calling cause I know you had an
appointment this morning, and I wanted to make sure everything went well. Um… if I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume
that everything is fine. … Well, um… I
guess that’s all. I’ll see ya.”
The machine
beeped one last time as the message ended.
Swallowing hard, Nick hesitated only a second, then jammed his finger
into the button next to the flashing one.
“Message deleted.”
***
Hours had
passed, and Claire was growing more and more restless by the minute. She had been in and out of Amber’s hospital
room all day and had watched her sister-in-law go from elated to downright
cranky, as her labor progressed and the pain of contractions increased. It wouldn’t be long now…
Sitting in
the waiting room with her father once again, Claire was bored out of her mind
and had considered more than once going up to see Casey, but knowing her luck,
they would decide it was time and rush Amber into the delivery room the minute
she set foot on the elevator. There was
no use chancing it at this point.
Just when
she thought she couldn’t stand waiting any longer, her mother burst into the
waiting room and announced, “This is it!
They’re taking her down to delivery now!” Claire jumped from her seat, her breath
catching in her throat. “I’m going with;
I’ll be back as soon as we know,” her mom promised and ducked back out the
door.
Behind her,
Claire saw several orderlies wheel Amber past on a gurney. Kyle was right at her side, clutching her
hand; he glanced up just as they passed the doorway and flashed Claire a quick
thumbs up. She glimpsed the thousand-watt
smile on his shining face, and then they were gone, the faint click-clack of
the gurney wheels against the tiled floor fading as Amber was taken on down the
hallway.
She turned
to her father, her heart fluttering with excitement. “So,” she prompted, “Last chance to guess,
Grandpa – what do you think it’s gonna be?
Grandson or granddaughter?”
“Well… for
Kyle and Amber’s sake, I’m hoping for a grandson. You girls sure know how to put your parents
through hell, you know that?” he teased with a ribbing smile.
Claire
rolled her eyes and elbowed him. “Jeez,
you should talk, Dad. You know how to
put a daughter through hell too,” she said, meeting his eyes.
One side of
his mouth curled upward in a crooked smile, and he nodded, chuckling softly. Putting an arm around her, he pulled her near
and placed a kiss on the top of her head.
“Like father, like daughter,” he whispered gruffly into her ear.
Smiling,
Claire leaned against him slightly, sighing deeply as she breathed in the
comforting scent of his aftershave. A
man set in his ways, he’d used the same brand ever since she was a kid. At least twenty years, maybe longer.
That would
be Kyle someday, she realized. In
another twenty years, he would be approaching her dad’s age, and this baby
would be all grown up. He would be the
father, putting his son or daughter through school, or at the very least,
giving him or her advice as he/she entered the real world. It was weird to think about, her brother
being a dad, being middle-aged. It made
her feel... old.
She
mentioned this to her dad, and he just laughed.
“It makes you feel old?
Think about me, kiddo, how old do you think it makes me
feel? I’m gonna be a grandpa, for god’s
sake – now that’s old!” Claire giggled,
and he hugged her close again. “You’re
still young, honey. Don’t feel like
you’re stuck in some race against time to get things done; you don’t need to
rush into anything. You’ve got decades
to get through before you can call yourself old.”
Claire
smiled and breathed in slowly. He was
right, she reasoned. She was only
twenty-five, and though she’d seen the face of death, she still had a lot of
life left in her. There was no reason to
believe she wouldn’t have a family of her own in twenty years, but she didn’t
need to rush it. If it was meant to be,
it would happen… when the time was right.
And maybe, she thought, an image of Nick surfacing in her mind, that
time just isn’t now.
That
thought was still echoing in her head when her father grabbed her arm and
scooted to the edge of his seat, perched as if ready to leap up at
anytime. Perking up, Claire became aware
of the sound of footsteps hurrying up the hall.
She leaned forward in anticipation, then slowly stood up, waiting.
Seconds
later, her mother glided through the doorway and held out her arms. “It’s a boy!!” she cried.
Claire felt
a wide smile stretch across her face; a boy! she thought in
excitement. She turned to her father,
who was beaming. “You guessed right,
Grandpa,” she told him with a wink.
He grinned
at her, then turned his attention back to her mother. “So how’d she do, Grandma?” he asked her with
a wink. “And what’d they name the little
guy?”
“Kamden
Michael,” answered a new voice, and Claire looked up eagerly to see her brother
walk in, holding a tiny bundle in his arms.
Gasping, she rushed over, tenderly peering into the powder blue
receiving blanket to set eyes upon her newborn nephew.
He was red
and funny-looking, with wrinkled skin and wisps of fine hair that clung to his
scalp, still damp. But at the same time,
he was beautiful, especially in the arms of her brother, who kept looking down
at him as if he could scarcely believe his eyes. “He’s perfect,” she breathed and looked up,
meeting Kyle’s eyes, which shone with pride.
“Thanks,”
he replied huskily. “You wanna hold him,
sis?”
He
carefully passed the sleeping infant into Claire’s arms, and as she stood
cradling the warm, cuddly bundle to her chest, she could only wonder, would she
ever experience the joy of holding her own newborn this way, as a mother? Smiling wistfully, she admired Kamden’s pink
face for a few moments before glancing up at Kyle, who was still standing next
to her, looking down at his son with the same proud, doting, amazed expression.
For just an
instant, as she set eyes upon her tall, broad-shouldered brother, she saw Nick.
Then she
looked away, knowing it could never be.
If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I’ll go, but I know
I’ll think of you every step of the way
And I will always love you
I will always love you…
Bittersweet memories
That is all I’m taking with me
So goodbye, please don’t cry
We both know I’m not what you need
And I will always love you
I will always love you…
And I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this, I wish you love
And I will always love you...
- “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly
Parton / Whitney Houston
***