Chapter 79
The
Christmas season was one of Claire’s favorite times of year, and with the
holiday itself only a few days away, Christmas cheer was at its peak. Yet even as her eyes traveled from the
massive Christmas tree twinkling in the corner of her parents’ living room to the
window, through which shone the colorful lights that outlined the rooftops of
the houses across the street, Claire did not feel cheerful. It was the first time in her quarter-century
of existence that she did not remember being excited for Christmas.
Even in
years when the Christmas family photos showed her sporting a
snowflake-patterned bandana or Santa hat because she was bald from chemo,
Claire had looked forward to Christmas.
The holiday had always brought her happiness and hope, especially when she’d
needed it the most. But this year, it
felt like a lost cause. Casey was dying,
and she and Nick were over. With all
that hanging over her, she found it next to impossible to get into the
Christmas spirit.
She felt
more like the Grinch than one of the Whos down in Who-ville, as she sat dutifully
watching the old Dr. Seuss “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” cartoon in TV (in
twenty-five years, she’d never missed that special). Just as the show cut to a commercial break,
she heard her cell phone ring. She’d
finally taken the “Quit Playing Games” ringtone off; now the opening motif to
Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” blared from her phone.
Hurrying to
answer it, she saw Jamie’s name on the ID seconds before she picked up. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hey,
Jamie. What’s up?”
“Eh, not
much. What are you doing?”
“Watching
‘The Grinch’ on TV.”
“Heh. I remember watching that at your house, back
in high school,” he said with a laugh.
“Don’t think I’ve watched it since.”
“That’s a
disgrace, Jamie. I never miss it. It’s a classic! You gotta turn it on.”
Jamie gave
another short laugh. “Truth be told, I
don’t really feel like watching Christmas specials. It’s a hard time of year, ya know? Hard to get into the spirit.”
She knew he
was referring to his father, but it was as if he had struck just the right
chord in her – she felt a certain harmony with him instantly. “I know exactly what you mean,” she replied empathetically.
Before she
could continue, he said, “I heard about you and Nick. I’m sorry.”
He sounded
sincere enough, but Claire wondered if he was secretly smirking on the other
line, ‘I told you so!’ scrolling through his head. He’d always thought she and “The Backstreet
Boy,” as he called Nick, made an odd couple, one that had little chance of
lasting. They were too different, from
opposite ends of the spectrum.
But we did make a good pair, she thought regrettably, a lump
rising in her throat. She cleared it
away quickly and told Jamie, “Thanks.”
“If you
don’t mind my asking… what happened?”
Claire
sighed. “I dunno… it’s complicated. Nothing actually went down; I just… I
realized that maybe this wasn’t what I wanted.
Marrying this superstar who’s never going to be around because he’s
always working and touring and stuff. I
don’t think it ever hit me until Nick went back to work what his career
actually entailed. And once I knew… I
just started doubting everything. I
still love him, you know, but our lives aren’t really compatible. And maybe this sounds really selfish, but I
wasn’t ready to give up my life for his.
I mean, I still want to be in his life, but not…” She trailed off, wishing she knew how to
explain exactly how she felt.
“Not
‘Backstreet Wife’,” Jamie finished for her.
“You love him, but you’re not ready to handle all the baggage that goes
along with being the bride of Nick Carter.”
He said it as if he were talking about the bride of Frankenstein;
nevertheless, he had her pegged.
“Yeah,
exactly!” she replied emphatically. “If
I marry him, I’m going to either have to drop everything in my life and tag
across the country with him – eventually, even the world. And I know that probably doesn’t sound like a
bad thing, and it would be awesome to get to see all these places I’ve never
been… but at the same time, I couldn’t handle that being my life. I like to travel, but not all the time. Not for months on end. I need a place to call home. And someday, I’m gonna want children… and I’m
gonna want them to have a home too. A
stable home, where they can grow up and go to school and be regular kids. And with Nick, that’s just not gonna
happen. Not now anyway.”
“I
understand,” said Jamie. “I’d be the
same way. I want my kids to have the
same kind of life we had… you know, you grow up in your standard middle-class
neighborhood, you go to school, you vacation at Disney World, you get a job at
the Dairy Queen, you drive the old beater car your parents give you in high
school, you go to college, and you enter the real world a normal, functional
adult. It’s nothing that special, but
look at us… we turned out alright, didn’t we?”
Claire
laughed, and all of a sudden, she felt much happier for some reason. “Yeah!
See, that’s what I’m talking about.
That’s what I want too.”
“Well then,
between you and me, I think you were right to end things with Nick. Believe me, I know how hard it is to break up
with someone you love, but sometimes you have to. Better to find out now that it isn’t working
than wait until after you’re married.
Divorce isn’t pretty.”
“I know,”
she sighed. “I just keep second-guessing
myself, about everything. The last few
weeks, I’d been wondering if I was right to stay with Nick; now I keep
wondering if I was right to leave him.
You have a good point, but I just worry that I made a mistake… a mistake
I can’t take back. And it scares me,
because I just keep thinking… what if he was the one? What if Nick really was who I was supposed to
be with, and I just walked out on him?”
She cut
herself off, letting the question linger in the air; she couldn’t believe she
was telling Jamie these things. This was
the kind of heart-to-heart she usually had with her mom, or Dianna, but never
Jamie. It was still too weird to talk in
detail about her love life to him.
Jamie was
silent for a few seconds, and just when she was getting ready to apologize for
going on about Nick, he said quietly, “I’ve wondered that myself.”
Something
about the way he said it made her blush, and she couldn’t help but wonder…
No. No, he was just being Jamie… vague,
mysterious, forever leaving her to guess what the heck was going on inside his
head.
“Well, it…
it just…” she fumbled, still blushing, “it makes me nervous because life’s too
short, you know. I don’t want to spend
the rest of it waiting for the right one to come along… and always wondering if
he already came and I passed him up. I
can’t afford to do that. I may only be
twenty-five, but who knows what else life has in store for me. I want to have children, and if I’m going to
try to have my own, it could take awhile… I don’t want to wait too long. But at the same time, I want my children to
have a daddy.” She broke off again and
sighed. “I’m sorry, I keep going on and
on… this is what it sounds like in my head when I question myself about
Nick.” She laughed awkwardly, hoping she
hadn’t just talked him into a stupor.
But
apparently she hadn’t, for he answered her promptly. "Nah, that’s okay. I know what you’re saying. Life is too short; I realized that
last year, when my dad died.”
“I know how
hard that has to be, going through another Christmas without him,” she said in
a low voice. “It doesn’t get much
easier, does it?”
“Not
really,” he confessed. “I guess it’s a
little better this Christmas; last year at this time, I think we were all still
sort of in a state of shock. It didn’t
feel real. But this year, it really
feels like he’s gone.”
Filled with
sympathy for what Jamie was going through, Claire listened as he slowly opened
up to her about his father again, about how much he missed him, how he worried
about his mother, who still seemed so lost without his father, and how afraid
he was that she was going to fall apart again when he moved back to Tampa after
New Year’s.
“The
Grinch” ended, and they kept talking.
Eventually, Claire found herself telling Jamie about Casey. “Nick’s being so great,” she said after
awhile. “He’s giving Casey’s family the
money to pay for a private nurse to come to his house so they can take him
home.”
This news
had come two days earlier, just a day after she’d run into Nick at the
hospital. When Mrs. Brenner had told her
what Nick was going to do for them, Claire had been overcome with emotion, most
of it directed at Nick. He was so sweet,
so generous, such a good person. If
she’d seen him then, she wouldn’t have been able to resist throwing her arms
around him and hugging him in gratitude.
But she hadn’t seen him, and he hadn’t answered his phone when she’d
tried to call. Still, she hoped he knew
how much what he doing meant to Casey and his family. Casey would be able to spend Christmas at
home… and, when the time came, die at home, rather than in an unfamiliar
hospital room. At this point, when
nothing more could be done to save his life, seemingly small alternatives like
this made all the difference in the world.
“That’s
really cool of him,” replied Jamie.
“Must be nice to have the money to be able to do things like that for
people without thinking twice about it.”
“Yeah. Nick’s a good guy, Jamie, he really is. I wish you two had hit it off better. You might have actually liked each other;
he’s like you in a lot of ways, you know.”
Jamie
chuckled doubtfully. All he said in
response was, “I hope I didn’t give him too hard of a time. I was just trying to look out for ya,
Clairie. You’ve been hurt before – by
me, admittedly – and nowadays I just sort feel obligated to make sure it
doesn’t happen again. You’re my girl,
you know?”
Claire felt
herself blushing again. “Well, thanks,
Jamie. That’s… admirable of you,” she
said awkwardly. “But Nick was never out
to hurt me. He loved me. He might still love me. And that’s why, truthfully, I’m a lot more
worried that I hurt him…”
***
It was “the
most wonderful time of the year” to everyone else. To Nick, December 25 marked the culmination
of what had been, literally, the worst month of his entire year. Casey had gone home to die… Claire had gone
home to get away from Nick… and Nick had gone home with Brian and Kevin, to
spend Christmas with their families in Kentucky, because his own family was too
dysfunctional to tolerate.
His mother
had called to invite him for the holiday, of course… and Aaron had called him
back when he’d refused the first time… but he’d lied and convinced them he had
other plans. They thought he was
spending Christmas with Claire’s family, his future in-laws. They didn’t know he and Claire weren’t
getting married. They’d find out soon
enough, once the press found out.
Another failed celebrity marriage – over before it had even begun.
Gazing
across the festively-decorated living room of Harold and Jackie’s Lexington
home, Nick watched enviously as Brian and Leighanne knelt on the rug with
Baylee, helping him put together a new puzzle his grandparents had given
him. Just a few feet away, Kevin and
Kristin sat cozily snuggled together in front of the fire. How did they do it? Nick
wondered. He kept pondering the question
as he drained his glass of eggnog with a grimace. Brian and Kevin had both managed to find
women who loved them, who were devoted
to them, who understood what their careers required, and who stayed with them
anyway. Why couldn’t he do that?
It ain’t gonna be any easier to do now, he thought as he rose with
difficulty, wobbling a bit on his artificial leg as he took off for the kitchen
to refill his glass. He didn’t even like
eggnog, but it was the only alcohol the Littrells were serving, and he
desperately needed the buzz. He usually
enjoyed spending Christmas with Brian and Kevin’s relatives and feeling like he
was part of a big, close-knit, normal family, but this year, being around
all of these happily-married couples was sort of a downer.
In the
kitchen, he found Brian’s parents standing side by side at the counter, rinsing
off the dishes from Christmas dinner. Great…
old married couple, he thought, swallowing hard. They were almost harder to face, but only
because they had what he had hoped to have with Claire.
“Can I get
you somethin’, Nick darlin’?” Jackie Littrell asked in her sweet Southern lilt,
smiling over her shoulder at him as she reached to shut off the faucet.
Nick smiled
back. “No thanks, Jackie, I got this,”
he replied, ladling more of the thick, foamy eggnog into his glass. “This is great, by the way; have I told you
that?” He took a long swallow and wiped
the froth from his lips. “Excellent.”
“You did
tell me, hon, but thank you – again. The
cook never tires of being complimented,” Jackie smiled pleasantly. Nick missed the worry in her eyes as she
exchanged glances with her husband.
“Well,
you’re welcome, Jackie. You’re an
awesome cook. The best,” Nick stressed
as he took his drink and meandered back into the living room, stumbling a bit
on the threshold.
“Nick! Nick, look!” a tiny voice shouted as Nick
came into the living room, and he looked over to see his godson pointing at his
finished puzzle, a proud grin on his face.
“Heeey, you
finished it!” Nick exclaimed, making his way over to Baylee. He leaned down to inspect the puzzle, not
noticing the uncertain look Leighanne shot Brian over his head. “Looks good, kiddo,” said Nick, ruffling
Baylee’s head of blonde curls. “Looks
real good.”
“What we
gonna do now?” asked Baylee, bouncing restlessly, his wide blue eyes shining up
at Nick.
“Well, what
do you say we take that new jeep Santa gave you out for a spin?” suggested
Nick, remembering Baylee’s most exciting gift from that morning – the shiny new
battery-powered Hot Wheels jeep “Santa Claus” had left in the driveway with a
big red bow on top. He’d always wanted
one of those things when he was a kid, but his parents had never had enough
money.
Baylee’s
eyes lit up at the mention of the jeep.
“I wanna dwive!” he shouted, jumping up and racing to the front door.
“Baylee,
wait a minute!” Brian called, but Nick interrupted him.
“Hey, don’t
worry, I’ll go out with him,” he said, motioning for Brian to stay where he was
as he hurried after Baylee. Living
vicariously through his best friend’s three-year-old son? Now that was the way to do it.
As soon as
he saw Nick coming, Baylee tore open the front door and leapt out, running at
top-speed to his jeep. Nick followed,
helping Baylee get the tiny door open and
climb in. He was just leaning
over to attempt to figure out how to turn the thing on when Brian’s voice
called, “Baylee!” Nick turned to find
Brian standing on the front porch, holding Baylee’s winter coat out. “Come put on your coat, buddy! It’s cold out here!” Baylee obediently jumped back out of the
jeep and scrambled up to meet his daddy, who was cocking his head at Nick as if
to say, ‘Hello? You let him go
outside in the middle of winter without a coat?’
Nick
shrugged sheepishly; funny, he hadn’t even noticed the cold. In fact, he felt sort of hot; the Littrells’
house was a little stuffy.
Brian
followed Baylee back to the jeep. As his
son climbed back in and bounced excitedly in the driver’s seat, he leaned close
to Nick. “Exactly how much eggnog have
you had?” he asked in a low voice, raising his eyebrow as he frowned at Nick.
Nick
scowled. “What are you talking about,
man? It’s freaking eggnog!” he hissed
back.
“I
know. And you must have really been
knocking ‘em back, cause I know a drunk Nick when I see one.”
Brian
offered him a tight smile, but Nick could tell he wasn’t amused. He rolled his eyes, but swallowed the retort
on his tongue. This was Brian’s parents’
house, he reminded himself, Brian and Kevin’s family Christmas. He didn’t really want to make them regret
including him in it. “Sorry,” he
muttered, feeling his cheeks redden in embarrassment. “I’m done, I promise. I… I’m just gonna go back inside; it is kinda
cold out here,” he added as an afterthought, though it was a lie.
“Nick,
wait-” Brian started as Nick hurried past him, heading for the door.
But it was
Kevin who corralled him on the porch.
“Let’s sit down a minute,” he muttered in Nick’s ear, sinking down to
the top step and patting the bare concrete beside him. Nick reluctantly lowered himself down beside
Kevin, his cheeks heating up even more.
Why did he get the feeling he was in for a Kevin lecture?
“Kevin,
Nick, do you see me??” Baylee yelled, waving from his jeep.
Kevin and
Nick both smiled and waved back; “Lookin’ good, kiddo!” Kevin called back. Then he turned to Nick. “Aunt Jackie sure makes good eggnog, huh?” he
asked, raising one of his monstrous eyebrows as a mischievous little smirk
crossed his face.
Nick shot
him a nasty look. “Yeah, yeah, I knew
that was coming. Look, I’m not drunk;
I’m just a little… tipsy?”
Kevin
clamped a hand down on Nick’s shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. “And how often have you been getting ‘just a
little tipsy’ since Claire left?” he asked bluntly.
Nick’s
stomach lurched; he glowered at Kevin for making it do that. And for asking a perfectly legitimate
question that he did not want to answer.
“I dunno,” he muttered dumbly, knowing that was the wrong thing to say.
Sure
enough, Kevin sighed. Oh yeah, a Kevin
lecture was coming. “Nick… I know you’ve
been goin’ through a real tough time these last couple of weeks, and I know the
holidays have probably just made it harder, but… don’t resort to alcohol to
make yourself feel better. It’s not
gonna solve anything, and in the end, it’ll just make it worse.”
“What are
you talking about?” Nick scoffed. “It’s
Christmas, dude! I’m not allowed to have
a little eggnog to celebrate Christmas?”
Kevin gave
him a stern look. “I know you,
Nick. I know what your drinking habits
are like. You drink when you want to
escape. It’s something a lot of people
do, and it’s not good. Don’t forget AJ.”
Nick
frowned; like he could ever forget what had happened to AJ, that horrible night
when Kevin had beaten his door down and told him he was dead to him because of
his out of control drinking and drug use.
“What are you saying, Kevin? You
think I’m a drunk?? I’m not gonna turn
out like AJ did; I’m not stupid enough to repeat his mistakes!!”
“I know
you’re not,” Kevin replied quickly. “And
thank you for saying that. Look, I don’t
wanna lecture you; we’re just worried about you. Brian and I… well, all of us really. I know how much Claire meant to you… I know
how devastated you are. It’s gonna take
some time to move on from this; all I’m saying is, don’t resort to drinking to
help you do that, cause it won’t work.”
Nick
sighed, his anger fading as he realized Kevin was just being honest. “I know that, Kev. It’s just… this time of the year – it’s just
hard.”
Kevin slung
an arm around him and nodded. “I know it
is. I always miss my dad more around the
holidays… and it’s been fourteen years now.
I know it’s not the same; Claire’s not gone in that way, but… you
see what I’m saying, right? The pain is
still fresh… of course you’re going to have a hard time.”
Nick nodded
despondently. “It’s not just her,” he
confessed after a moment. “There’s also
this kid I know… his name’s Casey; I met him through Claire. He’s only eleven, Kev, and he’s… dying. Of cancer.”
For a
moment, Kevin looked stricken. His face
whitened, and he shook his head slowly.
“Oh, Nick… I’m sorry,” he murmured.
“Is there anything we can do?”
Nick shook
his head. “No,” was his dull reply.
“I’m
sorry,” Kevin said again. He was silent
for a moment after that… and then he blurted, “I hate this. I hate this… disease. It took my father… it’s taking your friend...
it almost took you…” He looked over at
Nick, and Nick saw that his nostrils were flared with anger. “I’ll never forget the fear I felt around
this time last year, when you were in the hospital, Nick… or how horrible it
was watching you go through chemo… and rehabilitation… all of that. I look at you today, and I’m grateful because
you’re alive and healthy again. And I’m
so proud of you for coming as far as you have.
You’ve overcome so much, Nick… you’ve worked so hard to get your life
back together. Please, promise me you’ll
take care of yourself.”
Nick
blinked, momentarily stunned by Kevin’s heartfelt honesty. “I-I will,” he stammered, almost guiltily;
after hearing that, how could he not promise to take care of himself? “Of course I will.”
Kevin gave
him a tight-lipped smile, looking almost misty-eyed. “You better.
You’ve put us through enough worry already, kid.” Nick smiled awkwardly, and Kevin squeezed his
shoulder. “And as far as Claire goes…
remember this: The love of my life once
broke up with me too… and six years later, I married her.” He grinned widely now, love for his wife
Kristin brightening his sad eyes. “If
it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If she’s
the one… she’ll come back.”
Nick
managed a smile. “Thanks, Kev,” he
whispered.
Though his
Christmas buzz faded, just as the batteries in Baylee’s new jeep quickly
drained, his older brother’s words that afternoon never left Nick. He would remember them months, even years,
from then… whenever Claire entered his mind.
“If she’s the one… she’ll come back.”
***