Angry Night
I
hated my life. I hated every single moment of it. It had been two
weeks, two long weeks since the most important person in my life had been taken
from me. It had been two weeks since A.J. had made the decision to go and
help that man in the woods. Making that decision had been like signing
his own death certificate. Not even 24 hours later he was dead. He
was shot and murdered before I even had the chance to say goodbye. It was the
worst day of my life and every day since had not been any better. In many
ways I wish I were dead too. As that thought crossed my mind I stopped
and shuddered.
“Are
you okay, Anita?” Kevin asked me.
“What
do you think?” I muttered back.
My
life seemed hopeless. Everything seemed hopeless.
“It’ll
get better. I promise it will,” Kevin attempted to console me.
“Right,”
I replied and sped up a couple paces ahead of him.
I
simply didn’t want to talk about it. He couldn’t understand the way I
felt. He had lost a friend not a lover. I stepped out of the
hospital and into the sunlight. It was the first time I’d been outside
all week. I looked back at the tall, off-white buildings for a moment and
cringed. I had been there under my own hand. I shivered despite the
fact it was one of the hottest days
No
matter how much I hated my life I didn’t want to kill myself. I mean it
was simply unthinkable. But the day of A.J.’s
funeral I had just lost it. There was no other way to describe it in
words. It was like there was a black hole at the edge of my emotions that
had been threatening to suck me in. And that day I dived head first into
it. I had become a person I didn’t even recognize. It was as if
someone else had been controlling me. And what frightened me the most was
that, that black hole was still there threatening to pull me in again.
We
got into Kevin’s truck and pulled out of the parking lot.
“Where
to?” he asked.
“Home,”
I stated without hesitation.
I
couldn’t live at Elyssa’s forever. Kevin looked
skeptical for a moment and then hung a right.
“So
how’s Elyssa?” I asked him not wanting to have to think about going back to the
empty house.
Kevin
sighed deeply.
“Not
good. I mean she barely ever leaves Brian’s side. She hasn’t just
incase . . .” he didn’t finish the sentence.
He
couldn’t. No one wanted to accept that Brian probably wouldn’t make
it. To lose A.J. and Brian was something many of us couldn’t even
fathom. He took a deep breath and went on.
“Then
there’s Rick. She won’t talk about it. We aren’t even totally sure
of what happened. The only people she talked to were the police because
she had to. She can’t seem to accept that it was self-defense,” Kevin
explained as we pulled into my driveway.
I
hadn’t even set foot in my house for almost a month, which meant that nothing
had been touched since we left for vacation in BC. He walked me up to the
door.
“Do
you want me to stay with you?” he asked as I unlocked it.
“I’d
appreciate it,” I answered.
There
would be so many memories. I didn’t want to have to face them
alone. Heaven knows what could happen.
I
gently hung my coat on the rack and began looking around. Nothing had of
course changed. The walls were still painted maddeningly bright colours. The furniture was still a mix of retro and
futuristic. In the kitchen a McDonald’s bag had been forgotten on the
kitchen table. Everywhere a lingering smell of hair dye drifted in the
air. Several pairs of sunglasses had been discarded around the house and
never put away. Gold, platinum and diamond albums lined the
hallways. The house was so A.J. you almost felt as though you were
drowning in him. When we reached the living room I couldn’t take it
anymore. It was too much. I fell to my knees on the shaggy carpeted
floor. I couldn’t stop the flood of tears that followed.
“I
can’t take it!” I sobbed.
I
could feel myself losing it again. The pain taking over. The thin
walls I had built in resistance seemed to collapse and cease to exist.
“I
can’t!! He’s gone!” I could almost see the black hole taunting me.
It
would be so easy to just let myself fall in. I felt Kevin take me in his
arms. I collapsed against his chest.
“I
hate this, Kevin! It’s too hard without him!” the words barely came out.
My
voice was overrun with tears. We sat there on the floor for what must
have been an hour. The whole time Kevin simply held me, murmuring words
of comfort in my ear and gently stroking my hair. It was so calming that
eventually the tears stopped. I leaned back so I could face him.
“Thank
you, Kevin,” I whispered, my voice still hoarse.
He
gently pulled the hair away from my face.
“No
problem,” he replied smiling.
“Are
you going to be okay?”
My
silence was answer enough. Frankly I didn’t know the answer to that
question. He sighed and stood up.
“Come
on, you should get some sleep,” he ordered.
Kevin
and I began to move to my bedroom but I stopped.
“What?”
he asked.
“I
can’t sleep there. Not without him, not yet.”
“How
about the guestroom then?”
“All
right,” I agreed.
I
didn’t bother changing out of my clothes and just climbed into bed.
“I
guess I’ll head home,” Kevin decided and made his way over to the door. “Good
night.”
“No,
wait!” I cried, momentarily panicking. “Please stay. If you leave
me alone I’m afraid that I’ll . . . I ’ll . . .”
I
felt like a little girl asking her mommy to lay down with her to protect her
from the bogeyman, but Kevin didn’t seem to mind. He sat down beside me.
“Don’t
worry. I’ll be right here.”
With
Kevin’s comforting presence beside me I was finally able to get some sleep.
***
