Naming The First Backstreet
Baby
Brian dragged
the other Boys with him to the doctors office so he would have someone to talk
to while Leighanne was getting a check up.
Nick turned
his head to Brian, who was skimming through a Parenting magazine. "I think
you should name the baby after us."
Slowly Brian
brought his eyes to meet Nick's, "Do what now?"
"I mean,
this baby is important to you, right?" Brian nodded, acknowledging the
obvious. "Well, we're important also, right?"
"What are
you getting at Nick?" AJ asked, extinguishing his cigarette on the arm of
the chair.
"I just
think that since we're important, and the baby's important, we oughta have a
say in what his name is."
Kevin turned
to Howie, who turned to AJ, who turned to Nick, who turned to Brian with a
bright smile plastered on his face. "What?" Brian asked uneasily, his
eyes scanning the four pair that stared right back at him now.
"What'dya say 'Rok? Name the baby after us!" AJ beamed.
"Yeah, if
you put our initials together, you come up with HANK. Howie, AJ, Nick, Kevin.
H-A-N-K." Nick was clearly glowing at this genius idea he had come up with
a few days before while he was peeing in a McDonalds restroom.
"Guys -
no. I can't. Leighanne wants to name him Claude."
"Claude?!"
They all screamed in unison, Nick fell from his chair and landed on the floor
with a loud thud as his head hit.
"Shhh!"
Brian hushed them, "It wasn't my idea."
"It's a
boy, why aren't you naming him?" Kevin asked curiously.
"Because
Brian would name him Jesus or God or something," Nick giggled, picking
himself off the floor.
"I would
not," Brian spat, throwing the parenting magazine at Nick.
"What
would you name him then, 'Rok?" Howie asked, his brown eyes glowing in
hopes of him saying 'Howard'.
"Probably
Brian Thomas Littrell Jr. or something cute like that."
AJ made
gagging noises. "You're a lame, lame little country man."
"Oh I am
not!"
"What
would you name your kid then Bone?" Nick asked, dusting off his T-shirt.
He let out a
heavy breath, "ShaTed BoNathan."
"SHITHEAD?"
They all screamed in unison.
"No,"
he laughed lightly, "ShaTed. S-H-A-T-E-D."
"Is this
a name for a boy, or a girl?" Kevin asked, his eyebrows furrowing.
"Either.
I think it clearly screams unisex."
"No, you
misinterpreted that one. It clearly screams 'BLAH!'" Nick giggled.
AJ lifted his
heavy shoe, kicking Nick in his leg.
The blonde
cried out in pain, "Ouch! Holy Jeeze, Bone. That
hurt. What the hell were you trying to do?"
"Hurt
you, moron."
Howie placed a
hand over his mouth, stifling his laughter.
"Okay,
what would you name your son, Howie?" Brian asked, noting Howie's
laughter.
"I would
name him Paul, because my mother's name is Paula, and I would want to name my
son after her."
"That's
either very endearing or exceedingly frightening, I'm not clearly sure
which," Kevin replied.
"Well, Kevster, what might you name your child?" AJ
questioned.
Nick laughed
his annoying, obnoxiously loud laugh, "He'd name his son 'Ozone' or
'Biosphere'!"
This
semi-clever comment erupted laughter from the other Boys, causing Nick to get
another good kick.
"Why do
you guys kick me? Jeeze," he began to rub softly
on the wounded - more than likely bruised - area, "just because I'm
funny?" He asked, sobbing. "And no one asked me what I would name my
kid," he pouted.
Kevin smiled,
sighing heavily. "What would you name your son, Nick?" They all asked
simultaneously.
"I would
name my kid after you guys. 'Cause you're my best friends, and my brothers, and
you mean more to me than," they watched as his face contorted into weird
formations as he thought of what exactly they meant more to him than. "You
guys means more to me than my Nintendo, and all my Nintendo games
combined."
Kevin let in a
sharp gasp, causing himself to cough loudly.
"Did you
mean that Nick?" Howie asked, wide-eyed.
"Well,
yeah. I mean, Nintendo is fun, but it's nice to have people to play it
with."
AJ cleared his
throat loudly, clearly angered by the touching moment Nick had created -
comparing them to Nintendo nevertheless. "What would you name him?"
"Um...let's
see...if you take away the N, that leaves you with K-B-H-A... or A-H-B-K, er
maybe H-A-B-K, or maybe-"
"Holy
cheese factory! Just get on with it Nick." Kevin hissed.
"I guess
the only name I could make would be from K-A-H-B."
"And that
would spell?" Brian questioned, an eyebrow raised.
"Cob,
'cause the 'H' would be silent - which doesn't mean I love Howie any less or
anything..."
"Cob?
K-A-H-B...Kahb? Would you seriously name your kid
that, Nick?" Howie replied.
"Well,
yeah."
"Kahb?"
"Oh my
God, how many beat downs would this kid get? Kahb
Carter?" Kevin said, erupting the entire room into a fit of knee-slapping
laughter.
"It's not
that funny," Nick pouted.
"Yes it
is, Nick. You'd make fun of a kid named Kahb, don't
deny it." AJ mentioned to him.
The look on
Nick's pale face was anything but happy. He was pouting again, and Kevin took
note of this. "Nick, we're playing, okay? It's really nice that you'd
wanna name your son after us. It's our fault that we're not giving you much to
use. At least Brian's is a real word, right? Hank is a real name. Kahb isn't."
"It just
hurt my feelings that you guys thought it's 'endearing' that Howie wants to
name his after his mommy, and me - I wanna name mine after all of you - and
it's funny?"
"It's a
good funny though. Ya know? Like when we threw you out of the dressing room in
your little green-"
"That
wasn't funny either!"
"Riiiiiight," Kevin replied, seemingly taking mental
note of this.
"It was
funny for us though. He got a boner the size of
"AJ!"
They screamed.
"What?"
"We're
out in public, at least hold some stuff back." Kevin reprimanded him.
"Sorry, jeeze."
Just then
Leighanne walked out into the room, a bright smile on her face. "Hi
everyone," she said.
Brian hopped
up from his seat immediately, walking over to meet his wife. "How'd it go
sweetie?"
"It went
great, honey. The baby's fine!" She said, embracing Brian in a hug.
The other four
watched on. "So, Leigh, what's this we hear about you wanting to name this
baby Claude?" Kevin asked, getting up from his chair.
"What?
Who told you that?"
Brian turned
his head away, clearly embarrassed.
"Brian
Thomas Littrell!" She scolded, playfully smacking him on his arm.
"He's been fibbing! He wanted to name the baby Claude Joseph
Littrell, I wanted to name him Bailey Thomas Littrell."
Nick hopped up
from his chair, "I think you oughta name your baby after us!" He
suggested.
Leighanne
stared at Nick wearily, wondering if he'd been able to persuade Brian to agree.
"What? How would we name him after all of you?"
"See, if
you take the B out of B-H-A-N-K, then you get H-A-N-K, which spells
Hank..."
"Um,"
she laughed lightly as they walked out of the doctors office and outside to
their cars, "We're not naming him Hank, Nick. I'm sorry."
"But-but-but!"
"NO!"
They all screamed in unison.
"Well, I
don't care what you guys think, I'm naming my son Kahb,
and you can all thank your godson on award shows and then we'll see who's
laughing!"
"Oh, jeeze. Thank God Nick drinks Mountain Dew and wears briefs.
His chances of reproducing are slim..." Kevin whispered to Brian.
Brian
chuckled, "You're so right, Kev."
***
