Chapter 40
Ciara heaved a sigh…a sigh of exhaustion
and resignation. “Not now, Nick. Let’s just…let’s get on the boat and go, huh?”
It
had been almost 24 hours since the two women had their talk. And Ciara still wouldn’t discuss it. He thought maybe getting
her on the boat with a promise of a REAL getaway, she might open up. When she
met Nick back at his house the night before, she was sullen, quiet, uncharacteristically sober. She was also somewhat clingy,
another un-Ciara like thing to be. Not that Nick was
complaining, but he knew it was coming from an awful place, not a sudden desire
for his touch.
Then,
when it was time to finally turn in, she let him spoon her, again something she
didn’t typically do. She’d slept alone most of her life and cuddling while
sleeping was hard for her. While snuggling in they’d cuddle, but once it was
time for sleep, they’d separate a bit, touching a foot or an arm, maybe a leg
or a hand on the other’s back, but never full body contact; she just couldn’t
sleep like that. But last night, it started with spooning and ended up with a
plea to him to make love to her. To make her feel whole and well and complete.
And
so he did. He could fulfill that request nightly should she need it. But yet…as
beautiful as it was, as much love as they both felt from the other and as much
love as they gave to the other, something was wrong. Jane had snapped something
shut in Ciara that she just wasn’t ready to talk
about yet. And it was killing Nick to see her close off again. They’d made such
progress.
“You
ready, Aaron?”
“Yeah,
got everything. Mom’s just riding my ass about being home in time for
rehearsals tomorrow.”
“We’ll
get you…” Interrupting Nick’s words, and before the boys could even register
what happened, Ciara left the bridge and disappeared
below deck. Yep, Jane was definitely the trigger. Bitch.
“What’d
I say?”
“I
think the word of the day is ‘mom’. Something happened last night, man. She’s
been like this since she came back and won’t talk.”
“Oh
wow. Mom was quiet, too. You know, I don’t have to come tonight if guys need to
work this out.”
Nick
looked up at his brother still amazed he would even think that selflessly.
Boating with Nick was always a major ordeal when they were home together. You
just didn’t willingly walk away from it. But Aaron saw that this situation
wasn’t ordinary and Nick was blown away that his little brother was learning
how to see beyond himself. It seemed just yesterday he was just 10 years old.
Now…well, now he was growing up. Nicely at that. “You know, lemme ask Ci. I’m okay with it, but maybe…just…dammit.
This was supposed to be a relaxing trip. I can’t believe this shit.”
Nick
took Ciara’s path down to the staterooms surprised to
find her just sitting in the parlor staring at…at nothing.
“Hey…can
I come in?”
Ciara looked up to him and smiled. Almost
the kind of smile she’d get with an insulin reaction. Spooky. Empty. He didn’t
like it. “Yeah, sit with me.”
“I
can’t, Ci. I’ve got a bit more to do upstairs before
we head out. Are you sure you wanna do this?”
“Yes.”
She looked up to the handsome man in front of her and some of her fire came
back in her eyes. Granted, it was rooted in anger, but it was better than the
vast wasteland that had taken residence up until now. “Get me out of here,
Nick.”
“Aaron’s
offered to stay at home if you’d…”
“No,
I want him here. I need you both.” She got up from her sulking position and
wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on what she called “her place”…where
his chest and stomach met, creating a small, concave patch just at the height
for her head to lay. She’d first noticed it a few years ago once he’d reached
his full height. Her only thought then was, “we fit,” and it made being in his
arms all that more special. And now, it brought comfort amidst the storm raging
in her mind and heart. They fit. No matter what anyone had to say about it, no
matter what secrets they were withholding from one another, they fit. And right
now, that’s all that mattered. She sighed again and squeezed her arms around
his waist. “What can I do to help us get ready?”
Kissing
her head and resting his cheek on her curls, he squeezed back. “Nothing. Just
come back up and join us though, huh?”
He
pulled back from their embrace, brushed an escaped tear from her face, and took
hold of her hand to head back to the bridge. She replied with a shy smile, a
bit embarrassed at her behavior for the last day. It was just too much. Too
much going on in her mind before she ever landed in
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
“So
where are you boys taking me?” Aaron was driving…something Ciara
wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with yet. She didn’t question the age
requirement, figuring they knew what they were doing. He obviously had done it
before, because he effortlessly guided them out of the slip. She stood by him
watching the horizon widen before her as they crept further from land.
“
“Scooters?”
“Yep.
Scooters. More like little mopeds, really. They’re a blast. We can go shopping
or just drive around, maybe hit a bar or something later on.”
“Uh,
Aaron…he can’t get in.”
“Yeah,
he can get in…there are some that are family friendly. We’ll go there. Then
we’ll come back to the boat, sail out a bit, drop anchor and spend the night.”
Nick knew she was putting an extra effort forth for Aaron. Maybe that’s why she
needed him there. To make her just deal with it and not sulk. Whatever was
going on, he was glad she was back. Somewhat.
“Sounds
perfect.”
“You
wanted to get away…we’re gonna take you away.” Aaron wagged his eyebrows and
offered his best, most practiced “Carter grin” while expertly turning the boat
onto the correct path toward
“God,
I think I’m in love.” Ciara leaned her head on the
young boy’s shoulder, looking up into his eyes, batting her eyelashes like a
flirtatious southern belle.
“Hey,
hey…hands off the baby brother now. He’s jailbait.”
“Yes.
Quite.” She kissed Aaron on the cheek and stepped away, still stinging from
some of Jane’s words. Sadly, Nick wasn’t the only Carter boy who came up in the
discussion. So did Aaron. As had her ex-husband, her health and Jane’s favorite
topic…fame. Not wanting to ruin the moment of get-away with it all, she took in
a deep breath of sea air hoping it’d cleanse her mind of all the bad stuff
hanging overhead.
It
was a gorgeous, albeit a cool day. She’d talk. She had to. But now, she was
with two of her favorite people in the world and didn’t have to think or do or
be anything she didn’t want to until their return back to
As
Aaron kicked the boat into full throttle, Nick stood from his seat on the
bridge and wrapped his arms around Ciara resting his
chin on her head. “You feelin’ a little better now?”
“Yeah…thanks
for doing this, Nick. Thanks for not letting me sulk.”
“Nope.
No sulking allowed. We’re just going to relax now.”
And
she tried. She really, truly tried.
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
And
so did the boys. Dinner at Sloppy Joe’s was just crazy. Noisy, fun, great food
and great company. They’d gone across the way to rent a couple of scooters and
just spent the evening zipping around the island, popping into shops, buying
little, goofing off much.
Nick
drove the boat from the Keys out to a string of small islands. Others were
parked there for the night as well, but not too many. It was sort of like a
deserted campground for boats. He found a spot far removed from the others and
turned off the engine, listening to his brother and Ciara
goofing off down in the galley. It sounded like whatever was going on down
there was going to require clean up. Naturally. Always did when Aaron was
involved.
“What
in the world?” Nick landed on the bottom stair only to see water shooting from
behind the bar area over to the parlor. Another spray of water came from the
parlor, back up over the bar to the galley. Fountains. How clever. “Aaron! Ciara! Get out here!”
A
blonde head peeked out from behind the bar and guilty auburn curls popped up
from behind the couch. Their halos were tilted, tarnished and hanging just so
off the horns on their heads. “Uh, hi.” In unison.
“If
you’re gonna have a water bottle fight, then you’d better wait for me.” Nick
whipped out the bottle he’d been carrying in his back pocket faster than Quick
Draw McGraw and aimed it right at the curly mop perched behind the couch.
Before she could react, he’d moved his aim to Aaron and the games commenced.
Water was everywhere. The furniture and carpets were drenched. No one cared.
Until their bottles were empty. Then all you could hear were giggles and the “ppfftt, ppfftt” sounds of one
last attempt to get the final droplet of water out onto the awaiting victim.
“Hey,
laughing boy, no mo buwwets!”
“No
mo buwwets!? Lemme see dat.” Nick yanked Ciara’s bottle from her hand and pointed it at himself. He
squeezed one last time and was surprised to be sprayed with one more flimsy
squirt of water. Right between the eyes.
“Well,
waddya know…one buwwet
weft.”
Nick
turned to her, glaring through his smile. She ducked back behind the couch
afraid he, too might have one ‘buwwet weft.’ Instead
he wiped his face dry and turned to survey the damage. Thank God it was just
water. “Aaron, you chicken shit…come out from behind the counter. We’re out of buwwets.”
“Beep!
Game over.” His now matted, blonde head peeked out from behind the counter.
“God, we made a mess.”
“Yep.
Now we get to clean it up. I’ll get the towels.”
Nothing
like ruining a good game with clean up. Yuck. But, leave it to the boys to
continue goofing off in the mean time. Wet towels became weapons as they
swirled them into long whips, thwapping each other’s
legs with them, evoking yelps loud enough to wake the dead. Finally, the room
was somewhat dried out and they could settle in for a night of star-gazing,
dreaming and forgetting. Maybe.
Settling
up on the bridge, they all went to their own private places for reflection and
quiet. Ciara read, Aaron played Game Boy and Nick had
brought a pad and paper and was doodling. Sometimes silence was the best music
of all. The calm water smacked gently on the sides of the boat, causing a
slight rhythmic movement of the vessel. Ciara hunched
she’d sleep well this night, letting the rhythm of the ocean lull her to sleep.
As much as she was enjoying this peace and quiet on the bridge, she also
couldn’t wait to get down into the bed, snuggle in and just doze off. This had
been relaxing and she couldn’t thank Nick and Aaron enough for taking her out
for the night.
She
also couldn’t concentrate enough to read. Even with all the fun they’d had
tonight, Jane’s words continued to echo in her head intertwining with the
memories of the evening she’d had at work only days before. Trying to escape
those thoughts, she’d peek over her book to watch Nick draw, brow furrowed,
hand lightly scraping across the paper, arm flexing ever so slightly at the
differing pressure he’d use on each stroke. His hair, now dry from their water
battle fell softly over his eyes and he’d occasionally blow it away with a soft
puff of air. He looked up to the sky, deep in thought and caught her staring on
the way back to his task.
“Whatcha
drawin’?”
“Mmm...just
trying to remember something I saw the other day. I thought I could keep it up
here,” pointing to his head, “but it’s left me.”
“Oh,
a scene or what?”
“No…”
Should he tell her? Of course. It didn’t matter now that he’d watched her
working. The secret was out that he’d been there. “…it’s a star.”
“A
star? What kind of star?” She put her book down and crawled across the couch to
where he was, gasping as she saw his failed attempts at mimicking Catie’s star.
“You…you
know this story?”
“Someone
read it to me the other night, yeah. I like it.”
“Read
it to…” Her eyes questioned, but her heart knew. He’d been there. Totally
against her will, a tear escaped its confines and snuck down her cheek. “You
saw Catie?”
“Yeah,
and I promised her that I’d come back and draw her a star. But now…now I can’t
remember how it was done. It was different enough, and…” he went back to work,
sliding his pad over to her so she could watch, “…and yet, it was like the ones
we’ve always drawn as kids. I just can’t remember what made it different.”
Tears
were flowing freely now as she watched through clouded eyes as he tried to
mimic the star in the book. Wiping them away, she laid her writing hand over
his. “Let me help. I remember. It’s an 8-pointed star.”
“Okay.”
“Say
it with me…” She guided his hand in the motion of her words, as realization
dawned on him that he’d memorized the poem wrong. He took his eyes off the
paper, letting her lead the way and just watched as tears flowed down her face.
“Down, over, left and right, draw a star oh so bright. There…” She leaned back
looking at their team effort. “It was a good star.”
“Hold
on to me, said the star to the artist.”
“Then
together they traveled across the night sky.” With those words, Ciara buckled, falling into his chest as tears overtook her
body. Nick didn’t get it. He didn’t understand, but even still, he laid the pad
down, and held her close, hoping maybe this burst of emotion would break her
free from whatever prison his mother had put her in.
“Shhh…shhh…it’s
okay, Ci…it’s okay.” Nick looked helplessly at his
brother who had pulled himself from his game long enough to watch the whole
scene unfold. He’d never seen Nick this tender with another person before. He
always knew Nick had these kinds of feeling for Cici,
even before Nick knew it, but yet, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. This
was love. This wasn’t the crap you see on the movie screen or on TV. This was the
real McCoy.
Aaron
stood, taking his Game Boy with him and headed to the stairs. Catching his
brother’s eye and saying nothing, he went downstairs to leave them alone. This
was beyond him and he knew it. It was also none of his business. But if his
mother was the cause of that much heartache he was gonna blow.
Finally,
Ciara’s tears subsided and she pulled from Nick’s
arms long enough to wipe her eyes and offer a most pathetic smile. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t
be. Can you tell me why you were crying? I just thought…I thought it’d be neat
to go back to the hospital and see her again…draw her that star maybe, let her
keep it.”
She
reached up and touched his face. So sweet now. Now he was more man than boy.
Such a beautiful transformation. Here he wasn’t the public Nick, drinking too
much to escape and be “cool”, cocking off with his fake ghetto attitude or
carting around the portable wall he needed to protect himself from invader
fans. Just Nick. Her Nick. Finally, she found her voice and told him what he’d
least expect to hear. “You can’t, Nick.”
“Why
not?”
“Honey,
she died that night. Alone. No parents to comfort her, no friends to make her
laugh…no one. She’s gone, Nick.”
For
a moment, his eyes bugged out but then quickly diverted her gaze. That sweet
little girl was gone? And alone? How wrong could that be? What the hell was
with her parents that they’d let her die alone? “Gone, huh? Well…then I guess
I’ll have to find me another little girl to draw that star for.”
“Yeah,
that’d be nice. It’s a favorite on our floor.”
“Where
were her parents, Ci?”
“We
have no idea. They brought her into the emergency room a few weeks ago. And
once they admitted her, they left saying they were gonna sleep while she did.
Pretty typical. We wish more parents would do that rather than hanging around
24/7 getting grouchy and tired.”
“But
they never came back, did they?”
“Nope.
All the info they gave us was false I guess. We couldn’t find them.”
“Did
you know she wasn’t gonna make it?”
“Well,
there’s always hope. We made contact with the state and stuff so if she did
recover they’d be able to care for her ‘til we found her mom.”
“That’s
just…God! How does someone abandon their kid like that…especially when they’re
sick?”
“I
don’t know, Nick, but you’d be shocked to know how often it happens. Normally
the kid doesn’t die, but we get kids all the time whose parents just want a
date night.”
Nothing.
He had nothing. All he wanted to do was see Catie
again and tell her someone loved her. Ciara loved
her. He had a feeling once he met her, he’d have loved her too. What a waste.
“So,
you know…thinking about that, kind of lends a new light on your mom.”
“How’s
that?” He couldn’t imagine a connection.
“Well,
I mean…I really don’t want to get too into it too deeply, Nick. I had the last
word. Maybe, maybe she’s thinking about it.”
“Maybe.
So what happened with Mom?”
“Hmmm…well…”
Ciara started counting accusations on her fingers as
she spoke. “Let’s see…she accused me of seducing you. Was worried I’d do the
same to Aaron. Said that she really didn’t think you understood what being with
me meant in regards to my health anymore than I’d understand about being with a
‘celebrity’ and all that entailed. Um…what else? Oh yeah, I proved my
immaturity and inability to commit by marrying Bill and leaving him so soon.
And she implied that the only reason I was a nurse was because I had to make
amends for my parents failures somehow. That by caring for sick kids, I could
forgive them for not caring for me the way they should have.”
Nick
blinked slowly trying to register all he was hearing. And trying to get his
breathing to a normal level again. He was furious. “And you didn’t kill her?”
“Nah,
I thought I’d leave that up to you.”
“I’m
so…my god, what the HELL is wrong with her?”
“She
loves you.”
“That’s
not love, Ci. That’s no more love than Catie’s parents.”
“Mmmm…I
dunno…it’s fucked up, but she loves you, Nick. So much. She just…” Ciara sighed, rubbing her eyes from the continued stinging
from her earlier crying spell. “She just has lost all sense of what that means
now. This is a woman who should not be mixing business with family. She can be
a good mom. She can be a good manager, but she should not be both to any of
you.”
“That’s
a damned kind way of looking at it.”
“I’ve
thought a lot since we talked. I think her heart is right, Nick. I really,
truly do. All of her concerns had to do with you and the other’s well being. A
protective thing. In a sick way, it made sense.”
“I’m
not following, but….”
“Maybe
you don’t have to, Nick. Her words were against me and only me. Not you for
being with me. Me for being with you. She was convinced I’d been sleeping with
you since you were Aaron’s age or something. So, just knowing that wasn’t the
case calmed her down a lot.”
“Well,
goody for her. How noble.”
“Nick…”
“What!?
What would she have done if we were together since then, huh? Would she walk
away from me? Leave ME in a hospital if I got sick?”
“I
don’t think so, Nick, no. Have you EVER felt abandoned by her?”
He
had to think about that one. Like Catie had been? No.
Not at all. Suffocated was more like it. But yet, in being suffocated, wasn’t
he somehow also being abandoned? His dreams, his concerns, his LIFE was not of
concern to her if it diverted from the path SHE had laid out for him. But, was Ciara right? Was that just a warped view of love? He really
had no idea.
Since
he had no answers, he went forward with another question. “What did she mean
about your health, Ci? I know full well what it means
to be with you. I’ve seen more than she’ll ever know.”
“Yeah,
you have. But she has a point. I’m still…I mean…there’s a lot you don’t know,
too. And she’s afraid your heart is gonna get all wrapped up and maybe…maybe
some dreams you have for your future won’t be able to come to fruition because
you’ve wasted your time on me.”
“Wasted
my time? Who the HELL…..”
“Stop.
It’s possible you’ll feel that way, Nick. It really is.”
“No,
it’s not, Ci. Just stop talking like that. I’m here.
Don’t you know that by now?”
“Yeah,
you’re here. And I’m here…and that’s kind of what I told her. I think she sees
that we’re not just in it for some cheap thrills. She knows how I feel now, and
when I left, she’d calmed down quite a bit.”
“Good.
Still, how dare she say those things to you?”
“She
loves you…she just…she loves you, Nick.”
“Mmmm…if
she loved me, she’d know that I’m my best when I’m with you. Always have been.
It’s when you’re gone I get my ass in trouble and do stupid stuff.”
“She’ll
see it. One day, maybe she’ll see it.”
“I
wish she’d take her hands off that damned control switch long enough to see it
now. I’m tired of it, Ci…so, so tired.” He leaned
back against the couch, running a hand through his hair. So damned tired.
“I
know, baby. But I told her about Catie…and how she
had nothing and no one. Told her that just being there at all was more than any
kid needs. They don’t need to be joined at the hip. They just need to know
their mom is there in the wings waiting to patch ‘em up when they screw up. Catie never had that and you guys do.”
“What’d
she say?”
“She
cried.”
“Well
that’s something, I guess. I’m sorry, Cici. I’m sorry
she hurt you.” He perched his arm on the back of the couch and started curling
her hair around a finger. When one piece was tightly surrounding it, he’d
unwind it and pick up a new tendril starting the process all over again.
“It’s
okay. I really saw that she does love you and truthfully, I’d begun to wonder.
She’s horribly worried about BJ.”
“Ppfftt. She’s the cause of BJ’s problems.”
“She
may be the catalyst, Nick, but BJ is old enough to decide how to handle it all.
BJ is the cause of BJ’s problems now.”
Had
to think about that one too. Because if BJ was the cause of BJ’s problems then
that meant HE was the cause of his own problems. Was he ready to admit that? He
couldn’t deny it…not to Ciara. “Yeah, you’re probably
right.”
They
sat in silence for awhile while Nick mulled over all he’d heard and continued
twisting her hair around his fingers. It still didn’t all make sense, but he
was glad to hear that Ciara was okay. Working things
out. And it was nice to hear from someone else that even though his mom was a
bit twisted with it, she did love him. He’d truly begun to doubt as well.
“So,
where are you now, Ci?”
“Here,
with you. Wondering if my underwear will ever dry from our water battle.”
He
smiled hearing his girl come back from the closed in space she’d escaped to
earlier. Totally back. “We could just take it off, you know.”
“Mmmm…that
we could. Race ya’ downstairs?”
And
she was off…before he could even plant his feet on the floor of the deck, she
had hit the bottom step. So, he stood on the bridge for one more moment,
breathing in the night air and finding a star that looked remarkably similar to
the one drawn on their paper.
“Then
together they traveled across the night sky.” He kissed the inside of his hand
and sent it heavenward. “Safe travels, Catie.”
***
