Chapter 52

Ciara looked down at the man beneath her, lost in his own pleasure from her body’s movements on his and yet, seeing him that vulnerable, that relaxed brought her pleasure beyond compare. He was leaving tomorrow for a long recording session in New York. They’d had weeks of travel, sickness and fun with her nephew. One last tryst before reality came crashing in. She wanted to experience all of him.

Lowering her body to his while still keeping their rhythm, she kissed his neck and worked her way up to an ear lobe, gently sucking it into her mouth, sliding her tongue in and out of the hoop earring that decorated it. She loved those fool things. She loved how his large hands felt on her hips as he guided her up and down on him, yet letting her lead their dance. She just loved being with him. Period.

But this particular dance would soon end, although not without waves of pleasure washing over both of them, exhausting them, fulfilling them. How far they had come from their first time together…so nervous, so scared. But, despite the strange circumstances surrounding this aspect of their relationship, neither could deny that this much intimacy was only shared with each other. No one else could touch the places deep within saved only for Nick and Ciara. Finally, it seemed, they’d quit trying to deny it.

Snuggling up to his chest but keeping one leg wrapped around him, Ciara sighed realizing this was their last time together for awhile. They’d been spoiled these last few months. Could they take the separation? She believed so. As did he. But yet…

“I gotta go home and pack today…”

“Yeah, I figured. And really, I need to sleep. Get my schedule back to my work one.”

“It’s been awhile…you know I could have stayed with Nate while you worked the last few nights…let you get back to normal sooner.”

“Yeah, I know. I just felt guilty leaving him here with you. He was my responsibility.”

“I know…he’s a good kid, Ci. I love watching you with him.”

“That goes for you too…he’s quite infatuated with you.”

“I think he likes that I’m Aaron’s brother more than anything.” He chuckled at the memory of Nathanael’s face when they walked into Aaron’s hotel room in Chicago. You’d have thought he just saw Santa Claus under the Christmas tree. Sitting up to hopefully get a move on the day, he had another idea. “You think now that we’ve done this your sister will let him come over more?”

“I hope so. He’d love to go out on the boat and stuff. We could have a great time this summer.”

“Yeah…” Their talking stopped, minds going the same place but conjuring up totally different feelings. Kids. Ciara had a special touch with them. She needed it for her work, but not all had it. She did and it was one of the things he admired most about her. To see her as a mother? He could hardly stand it, it brought such a wonderful feeling to his heart. Too young, too soon, but someday, she could be the mother of his kids. What a thrill.

Kids. Ciara loved them and Nick was a kid magnet to be sure. The big brother in him took over and he connected with them on such a special level, it warmed her heart. And made her blood run cold. Too young, too soon, but it had been permanently decided years ago that she could never have children. How could she deny him that thrill? How dare she keep his heart and his time and his love when she knew that she could not be the kind of future he deserved? The concern hadn’t been prominent in her mind until Nathanael came around. Now, it was all she could think about.

Patting his chest and closing out all negative thoughts from her mind, she too sat up and started collecting clothes for a shower. “So, you need to go and I need to sleep.”

“Yeah, guess so….” Suddenly this felt weird. Like their trysts from years past. Flirt. Fuck. Flee. Damn…this was no good.

“What?” She saw the look on his face and felt the sag in her heart. Ick.

“I don’t like this. I feel like I’m just leaving you…like…”

“…like we used to do.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not leaving me this time, Nick. We just have to get back to our lives. Back to our own ‘normal’.”

“I guess so.” He felt her shutting him off again and it frustrated him. Thing was, he really didn’t have the time or the energy to do much about it. He had to go. Dammit. Reluctantly, he grabbed his clothes from the floor and started to get dressed, feeling a dark cloud in the room.

“I’m gonna shower…let yourself out, huh?”

“Yeah…do you want me to stop by tonight?”

“I’ll be sleeping, but you can if you want.”

“Nah…come here then.”

Tossing her clothes on the bed she opened her arms and soaked in the warmth of his. Yep, she was shutting him out again. Didn’t want the hurt of his absence. Didn’t want the confusion of this new realization for a future with him. She just wanted to get to work, deal with some pending doctors appointments and move along. “Call me when you get in tomorrow, okay?”

“Of course. Well, I might be headed straight to the studio. I’ll call you at work when I get back to the hotel or something.”

“Whatever…just call.”

He pulled her back and looked in her eyes, taking her face in his hands. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah…everything’s okay. I’m just going to miss you.”

Softly kissing her lips and nose, his eyes landed in hers once again. “I’ll miss you, too.” With another kiss to the top of her head, he patted her on the behind and walked out of the door.

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

“Since when did this store only sell ugly clothes?” Ciara lifted up the pant leg of a pair of 70’s looking polyester bell bottoms and turned up her nose.

“I have no idea…rust tones or gray this season. Yuck. This place sucks anymore.” Deanna pulled Ciara’s out of the store and stood dead in the center of the mall.

“No kidding…ugh. Where to next?”

“Express.”

Dee started one way, Ciara went another. In a mall they’d been frequenting for years. “Uh, where am I going?”

“Well, if you’re going to Express you might wanna join me this way.”

“Oh…I’m lost.”

“In a mall? You?”

“Mmm…where are we going again?”

Deanna stopped walking and looked to her friend. “Ciara, do you need to eat?”

“No, I just ate before you picked me up.”

“And you said you were at 35 when we talked on the phone. Maybe you need to eat again.”

“Eh, I’m okay.”

They started walking in the same direction this time, Deanna waiting just a few more moments before Ciara realized what was going on. “Um, but I do feel a little weird. Let’s eat.”

“Thought so, come on. You gonna make it?”

“Yep…just started feeling loopy.”

“You know how to make a shopping trip exciting, you know that?”

“Life of the party, baby.”

The women quickly slipped through the weekend crowds and found a bread store. Perfect. Dee kept a watchful eye on her friend as they waited in line, hoping she’d not slide into one of her zones. Hated it. Better than high blood sugar because dealing with a bitchy Ciara was almost impossible, but this could just get scary.

Finally seated, Ciara bit into her bagel and simply moaned. “Like candy…better than candy.”

Deanna shook her head, never understanding how Ciara did it. Glad she was always willing. “Speaking of candy, how’s that candy cane you been lickin’ lately? He’s keeping you from me…I dun like it.”

Dee! God…Nick’s fine, thank you. And I’m sorry…you’re right. I’ve been negligent.”

“Eh, if I was boppin’ Mr. Carter I’d probably dump you by the road too…”

“You’d dump me by the road if you were boppin’ anything. “

“Bitch.”

“Whore.”

“Yes…proud of it.”

“I’ll be around a lot more now anyway, dammit.” He’d been gone for only 3 days and she was not dealing well with it. Her work schedule had been whacked out with Nathanael’s visit and she was finding herself sleeping time away. Which is where Deanna stepped in. She couldn’t let Ciara fall into an all too familiar pattern.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s great. I just got used to having the twit around. Phone calls just don’t swing it.”

“You could do phone sex.”

“Mmmm…might have to try that. Won’t compare I’m sure.”

“No…damn…I still can’t believe it all.”

“If it’s any help, neither can I. If I can get my work schedule figured out, I might meet him in LA for the Grammy’s. The Grammy’s Dee…what the hell?”

“You’re living the high life…so, uh…have you talked to him about your doctor’s appointment yet?”

Shaddup.”

Ci…I swear, you must get off on destroying relationships.”

“Yeah, I orgasm just thinking about it.”

“Thanks…no orgasms in front of me. So when do you go back?”

“I’ve not called. They bug me every 3 or 4 days with my results from that last pap and I just…I don’t return the call.”

“You afraid it’s positive?”

“No.” Bite. Chew. “Yes. I have no idea what I’m afraid of, Dee.”

“Well, what’s the worst case?”

“That it’ll finally have developed into cancer.”

“And what happens then?”

“I die.”

“No…..”

Dee…look. If I have cancer I sure as shit am not gonna go through the chemo and misery to get better. Because better for me…still sucks.” She popped the last piece of bagel into her mouth and smiled. “So, I’ll die. But truthfully, I don’t think it’s positive. It’s been ‘pre-cancerous’ for 2 years now.”

“Then what are you afraid of…you’re avoiding the issue.”

“That they’ll just wanna take the cervix. Which means I’ll have to come clean with Nick. Which means he’ll walk. Which means…I’m not even gonna think about what that means. You almost done?”

“Yeah…but you’re not walking away from this conversation, dammit.”

“What more do you wanna know, Dee? I can’t be for him what he deserves. We’ve gone over this a million times. And after seeing him with Nathanael last week…he deserves kids. A family. A big assed one.”

“He deserves to live his life how he wants to, Ci…maybe that’s with you no matter what the cost.”

“He has no concept of the cost.”

“Because you won’t TELL him!”

“And I have no intention of it now either. He’s holding out on me with something too…”

“Oh good…dueling wills. A match made in heaven.”

“Exactly…can we go please? You’ve picked the shit outta that sandwich.”

“Yeah, yeah…you’ve shut me out anyway.”

“Yes, I have. I still need shoes.”

“Shoes???? Oh Jesus.”

“No, not Jesus. Shoes.”

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

“Hey baby…” Lonely. Bored. Lonely. And Lonely. Nick was miserable.

“Hey…how’s it goin’?”

“Okay. Feeling smothered here. Everyone knows I’m here. I can’t fuckin’ leave the hotel.”

“I’m sorry. I saw some girls got their pics with you yesterday.”

“Yeah…they camp out. Almost worse than tour. At least I can torment AJ then. Now I’m just…blah.”

“I’m sorry. How much longer?”

“Few days. Back home for a few, back here…LA for the Grammy’s and either there or here for more recording.”

“You sound tired.”

“I am. Tired and bored.”

“Isn’t Mike there?” She secretly hoped not. Mike seemed to lead him to a path of destruction. Nick didn’t think she knew…but she did. At least some of it. She didn’t trust Mike as far as she could throw him. Which wasn’t far. Big boy!

“Yeah…it helps. We’ve gone out some, but they’ve got me recording at night…”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed…why are they doing that? Seems like it’d be more expensive that way.”

“Yep. They uh…well, that’s just what the company’s requested, I guess.” Truth was, they’d seen his behavior on tour and some of it off tour when Ciara had been working. He may be able to keep it from her, but not from them. He was being watched and scheduled so he’d not get out of line again. Keep him from trouble. Problem was…trouble seemed to follow him when he was bored.

“Mmm…well, sweetie. You’ll be home in a few. I’ll be off work. It’ll be good.”

“Yeah, I know…I gotta sleep.”

“Okay…miss you.”

“Miss you, too. Miss you bad.”

“Soon, baby…soon.”

As they hung up, they both couldn’t help but feel almost worse. Could they take the separations his job required? Could he keep his act together during them? Could she work through her health issues and wait for him? Would she allow him in when he got home? It was something they’d really not considered. It was something they’d have to.

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

“So, did you finally call?”

“Yes, MOM…I called.” Deanna had made it her personal mission to make Ciara take responsibility for this latest health crisis. She couldn’t keep ignoring it.

“And?”

“I hate doctors. I really do.”

***

 

 

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