Chapter 55

It might be wise to make a cheese advisory again here. Pull out the wine and crackers. I'm not apologizing for it, though. :-D

Giving the gold bracelet a kiss, she finally sat up to begin her day. "Miss you, Nicky." In his short jaunt home before taking off overseas for the beginning of their world tour, he'd brought her the new piece of jewelry and she hadn't stopped smiling at the memory of the moment. So sweet. So nervous.

"I, uh…I bought something for you. Since I missed your birthday like I do every year…maybe this will make up for it."

"You don't have to buy me anything, Nick…I have you." But, who would argue with such a sweet thang bearing gifts? She took the box from him and sat down on her couch, inviting him to join her. Quickly ripping off the professionally done wrapping, she stopped, nervous to see what was inside. Jewelry. Definitely jewelry…and whatever was inside, he shouldn't have.

"You gonna open it or just look at the box?" He leaned in and kissed her, laying a hand over hers and prying the lid open.

"Oh…Nick…you got me…this is beautiful!" She pulled the gold bracelet out of the box and laid it over her wrist where it would forever remain.

"Yeah, I thought…well, I mean, this one you wear all the time is kinda…"

"Clunky."

"Yeah. And you're not clunky. So, um…I hope it's okay. It doesn't have a place for that paper yours holds."

"No, that's useless anyway. I don't know why I even keep it in there. I'd be dead before someone read all of that stuff."

"We don't want that…come on, let's put it on."

Before moving further, she reached up to touch his face. He'd been gaining weight. His acne was out of control. She had her theories and none of them boded well with her, but whenever he was with her, she had no proof. So…she just loved him as he was. No other choice at this point. And to her…he was beautiful. Perfect. A man-child who cared for her in a way no one had before. "Thank you, Nick…this means a lot."

He kissed her tenderly and spent a few extra seconds drinking in her eyes. They were dancing…so was his heart. He'd been nervous about this. To boldly "discuss" her health was a no-no, but he saw these medic alert bracelets in a jewelry store while shopping for his mom's birthday. She deserved to have a beautiful one. Solid gold with a diamond on the plate. Unless you really looked, you'd never know what it was. The typical red cross found on such bracelets was also of gold. The jeweler assured him that medical teams knew what to look for and should she need it, it'd not be hidden. She'd be safe. Beautiful and safe. Just as she should be.

He took the bracelet from her and looped it under her wrist. "Wait…let's get the clunky one off first." Ciara popped its clasp and let it slide off into his hand. "Glad to be rid of it, actually. I just couldn't afford…" Looking up into his eyes she smiled again.

"Shhh…don't worry about it. Come on…gimme your wrist." She did and he looped the bracelet under it again, bringing the clasp around and somehow quickly closing it. "Whew…that wasn't so bad. I usually suck at those things."

"Thanks…I…wow. This is gorgeous."

And it was. And now, it made her ache for him. Two long months he'd be gone. Maybe a phone call. Maybe an IM conversation. But with Mandy around? Eh, it was anybody's guess.

As she rolled out of bed, groaning at the aches that had decided to greet her this day, she groaned further hearing a soft knock on her door.

Shuffling in the room, running her fingers through her curls, she lazily opened the door, expecting no one. And, it was…just the neighbor boy.

"Hey, Cici…we got this package for you yesterday. Mommy said you'd be awake now and I could bring it to you."

"Oh, thanks, Shawn. Thank your mommy for letting me sleep, too."

"What's in it?" His blue eyes reminded her of Nick's. He was a brunette, but…what a cutey.

"I don't know…do you wanna come in while I open it?"

"SURE!"

"Come on. I've got some animal cookies I bet you'd like."

"Oh yeah…should I tell Mommy I'm here?"

Smart kid. Ciara looked up across the street to see his mother standing in their doorway. Using hand signals, she got permission to let the little twerp in and giggled as she watched him chasing her cat under the couch. "She likes slow movement, buddy. You're gonna scare her."

"Oh…sorry."

"That's okay. Let's open this up…oh…and get you a snack."

She got him settled with a bowl of goodies and excused herself to check her blood and take her shot. No sense terrorizing the neighbor kids. Once back in the kitchen, Shawn had slowly picked the corner of the package open.

"Curious?"

"Sorry…yeah."

"I get that way too. Hate wrapped gifts at Christmas."

"Me too! I got caught this year." He lowered his head, popping a bear into his mouth.

"Oh no…I'll have to teach you how to sneak better so you don't get caught." Taking a knife to the packaging tape, she finally unearthed the hidden surprise. "Oh…my…"

"What is it, Ciara?"

"Oh…" hiding her shock. He normally didn't do it this way…what was that boy up to? "It's a CD from a friend. You like the Backstreet Boys?"

"Oh yeah!" He popped a giraffe into his mouth and started singing around the morsel. "Tell me whyyeeeee!"

"Ain't nuttin' but a heartache."

"Tell me whyyyeee!"

"Ain't nuttin' but a mistake…" Oh my, there was a letter with it. For some reason she knew she needed to lose the kid. Quick.

"Tell me whyyyeeee!"

"I never wanna hear you say…."

They joined together…."I want it that way!" Stuffing the letter back into the box, she looked at his bowl hoping it'd be near empty. Almost.

"I tell ya' what, Shawn. How 'bout I make you a baggie for the rest of those. I need to get ready for work."

"Oh…okay, Cici. Hope you like your CD!"

"I know I will." She quickly shoved the last of his cookies in a bag and scurried him out the door. Cute kid. Go home.

"Now….Mr. Nickolas. What have we here?"

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

Ciara finished her "breakfast" in break neck speed wanting to take her time to listen to this CD completely before work. She should be able to make it. It was definitely the most anticipated album in the pop market in…forever. And, they'd broken record sales with it selling over 1 million copies. More than Garth Brooks even. Her Nicky had come a long way.

And now, he'd written a Ciara Companion to go along with the CD. So, curling up in her bed with his letter and AJ's cackling blaring in her stereo, she began Nick's Millennium experience.

Ciara;

You know how crappy I am at putting words together in person, but I do better on paper. Or, at least I feel like I do. So, I bring you Ciara's Personal CD Companion to Millennium. These are just thoughts and feelings I had while recording these songs. How much I thought of you. How much I missed you. How much I wanted us to be together but was so afraid…so afraid of losing you forever. You're my best friend, Ciara. And now…wow. Now look at us. It's a strange thing we have going but it works. Some day…maybe I'll be able to make you mine. Until then…I'll enjoy every moment we have.

Okay, Larger than Life. Um, you really didn't come to play here. Fan song. You're not really a fan. You're Cici.

I Want it That Way: What a nightmare this song was. Politics over words? How stupid. But, in the middle of the weird words I did think of you. How you want things, how I want things…but just so we're a "we" I'm okay. And even though I don't act like it…you are the only one I desire. (Is this cheesy enough for you? Should have told you to bring some wine to your listening party)

She laughed through her tears on that. The song had been on the radio for a month or so already but his voice in it just sent her over the edge. So mature. So sweet, so full. Wiping away her tears, she willed herself not to read the next paragraph until the song started. When it did…she couldn't breathe. They'd reached vocal perfection. Damn.

Show Me The Meaning: This song deals with the death of someone and was written by Max for Denniz. Very moving. I've not really experienced that kind of loss, but the words, "Tell me why can't I be there where you are; there's something missing in my heart." Yeah…those are for you. I miss you so much.

"I miss you too, Nicky…" God, where was he today? Paris? Jesus…

It's Gotta Be You: Oh yeah…all the way. Every word. It's a fun song, but the words…they're all yours, Cici. You kinda-get-me-go CRAZY!

Okay, that song just kicked. "Babay, it's the way ya'…" She liked it a lot and couldn't wait to see them do it on tour. Months away yet. Long, long months.

I Need You Tonight: Um…you know how I feel about this one. I've sung it to you before in concert, whether you've been there or not. Wrong or right, Ci…

Nothing. She had nothing left and the CD wasn't even half way over. How the hell was she going to get work done today? "What'd you do this morning, Miss Cici?" "Oh, I just bawled my eyes out at the Backstreet Boys, CD." Yeah, that'd go over well.

Don't Want You Back: Uh, other than being a victim of your sexuality, no. You know who I should be singing it to and I thought of her plenty. Someday. I'll break free…someday.

Okay, this song was a bit dorky. And Kevin? What a riot. Next.

Don't Wanna Lose You Now: Wow, um…how do I put this? I worry I'll be singing this some day with you. Sometimes it's too good to be true. I get scared. I'm glad I have a song to say it because I don't think I ever could. And check out the arranging credits on this one. Yay me!

Yay you. Wow. She couldn't think, couldn't breathe. She felt the same way about everything on here. But fear? Oh yeah. It made no sense, their relationship. Not a bit of sense. But yet…she couldn't live without it. At all.

The One: Yep. Every word. A promise I made to myself years ago. I'll never forget it.

What? When? What was he…what a cool song with really romantic words. How long again? Oh yeah…two months. Shit.

Back to Your Heart: Although this is a break-up/make-up song, I always thought of you when we worked on this one. And Mr. Kevin kicked ass on it, dontcha think?

Spanish Eyes: So they're green, not brown. Eh, I can adapt, can't you? This is one of my favorite songs on here. Pass me some of that wine. This is cheesy…and I mean every moldy word of it.

Cheesy was right. She didn't like this one, but the sentiment was dear. Next.

No One Else Comes Close: I'm not sayin' a word. Just listen to it. Every last word of it.

She was happy to see there was one song left, because she truly didn't think she could take any more of this. It made her miss him more and brought to light just how much he cared for her. And she felt the same for him. But…it just wasn't meant to be. Not now. Maybe not ever. It was heartbreaking.

Perfect Fan: I'm not on this one, Ci. I couldn't do it. Brian's still mad at me about it and he should be. My mom is not the perfect fan and I just…well I'll fake it for shows is all I gotta say. Now, you? Yeah…you're my perfect fan. Because if I wanted to give this all up tomorrow, you'd still be there. And that's my perfect fan.

Sweet song, Brian, but yeah…no way could Nick do this one. How awful of a decision that had to be. Why didn't he talk to her about it? Damn, damn, damn.

There you have it. Millennium. It's our best yet and I can't wait to see you out in the crowd. Talk to you soon.

Nick

And that was it. Millennium Nick and Ciara style. She loved it. Forever this music would mean more to her than it would to anyone else. But now, it was time to go heal up some sick kids. Just like Nick had always done to her. With a gentle word, a genuine smile and his heart. Yeah, she could give that today, without question.

******~~~~~~*******~~~~~~

C: Is that THE Nickolas Gene Carter?

N: Is that THE Ciara Michelle Watkins?

C: You know it, baby! How the hell are you? Where the hell are you?

N: Tired. Dead. And um…god, lemme check. I have no idea…

C: I can imagine…

N: Rieden, Germany.

C: Are you at least having fun?

N: Sometimes, yeah…these fans can be wild. Makes performing a blast though.

C: How's um…yanno…

N: Mandy? Eh, tolerable. She's off shopping with Leigh right now.

C: I miss you.

N: Hey, wait a minute…what are you doing up now anyway?

C: Just got off work. Can't settle down to sleep.

N: I'm glad you're here. Gotta talk to you.

C: Okay…do you wanna call me?

N: Let's try this first. She checks my call log on the cell.

C: Such a peach…hit me.

N: Have you heard from my family at all?

C: No, not really…they've been in LA so much. Why? Is everything okay?

N: Yeah, well…they're there permanently now.

C: WHAT!? They left Tamp…..

Well, shit. So that means when he came home, he'd be in LA now. This was NOT a good thing.

N: Yep…while I'm on tour no less. Nice, huh?

C: Where are you…I mean, will you follow?

N: No. My home is Tampa.

C: What about all of your stuff?

N: They have most of it.

C: Your drums and keyboards and sound stuff? Nick…what are you going to do?

N: Well…Mandy's parents agreed to let me stay there between tour legs.

N: And I'll have to live without that stuff I guess.

Shit. Must be more serious with Mandy. Just what she suspected would happen. He deserved a real girlfriend, not this…this…mess they had going. But Mandy? Damn it all to hell.

C: You could have talked to me. I have two extra rooms, Nick.

N: I didn't have a chance. It'll just be for a month before the North American leg. I'm buyin' my own place.

C: But until then…wait…let me. Yeah. I'm gonna call your family. Email me their new number and stuff. You can keep everything here.

N: Cici. No. I'll be okay.

C: No. That's your sanity. If Mom and Pop Williford won't let you keep it there, then it'll stay here in my office. I have the room.

N: Are you sure? I wasn't telling you so you'd do this.

C: I know. And yes, I'm totally sure. You need that stuff.

She fell silent just sick about the whole scenario. Such lack of concern for him. He truly was just their commodity…all the kids were. They'd now proven it to her.

N: Ci…you okay?

C: Just thinking. You just bought that house in LA for them…can you afford another? I mean…

N: I'm fine, Ci. And yeah. Nice of them to take it for a permanent home, huh?

C: Real nice. When the hell are you supposed to see your brother and sisters now?

N: Whenever I get out there, I guess.

C: Nick…

N: Yeah, I know.

C: What can I do?

N: Just…don't leave me.

Ouch. Damn. She'd never leave. She'd never be to him what she wanted to be. It couldn't happen. And frankly, right now, he couldn't be what she truly needed either. But leave him? No. No way. He was so scared. How was he really dealing with this?

C: I'm never gonna leave you, Nicky…are you being good?

N: Mmmm…I'm okay.

C: Nick…

N: Ci…

C: Don't play games with me. You're under more pressure than you should be.

N: I'm okay, Ci. And, shit. I guess shopping didn't go well…she's back.

C: Naturally. Okay…just a few more weeks and you'll be home…sorta.

N: Yeah…but I'll be able to see you. So, I'll be "home".

C: I'll try to have your stuff here by then too. They'll do it if I have to fly out there and load up the plane myself.

N: Don't bust your ass, Ci. I'll get it eventually.

C: Hush. Consider it done.

N: Thanks. I mean it.

C: I miss you. Thanks again for the CD and your letter.

N: I meant every word of it, Ci…

C: I listen every day.

There was a long silence as she ran a few of the songs and his accompanying words over in her head. The silence became longer and longer.

C: Nick? You there?

C: Oh Niiiiiiiiiick……

"This user has logged off."

"Well shit…bet he got booted. Or she…that little bitch." Ciara clicked off her ICQ, not in the mood to talk to anyone else who might hop on. Yep, Mandy was back. Poor guy. And now he was stuck as her family's roomy. How sick. Multi-million dollar pop star and he was forced to shack up with his girlfriend and her parents. The world was strange sometimes.

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

Ciara quietly closed the door to the waiting room and signed in at the registration desk. She didn't like this office at all. Too sterile. Too…yuck. And today, too depressing. She'd had numerous tests run with this rheumatologist and although they couldn't conclusively say, they'd decided on a diagnosis for her continued hip and hand pain. Just as Howie had feared.

Lupus.

Not a death sentence. Not a life sentence either. Chronic. Auto-immune like every other damned thing in her life. Painful, irritating, irregular, untreatable and potentially expensive.

She smiled politely at the receptionist and took a seat, grabbing a magazine to hopefully drown out her thoughts. She knew what the doc was going to say. "All we can do is treat the symptoms; we can't treat the disease itself. If you keep your blood sugar levels at a healthy level, this should remain benign and mild."

Yeah, yeah. If. Like she ever seemed to have much control over it all. Had to have tubes put in her ears two weeks prior. Like a sickly 2 yr. old. Her body just did not fight infection well, so colds would blow up into ear infections that would not heal. So, she lived with tubes. And now, this. Too much. She was tired of it. So, so tired.

***

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