Chapter 59

“Nicky? You awake?” Ciara inched inside the dark hotel room, chuckling at the mess his room was already in. Hadn’t he just arrived yesterday? She got to the bedroom of the suite and knocked lightly on the door. “Nick?”

Ci…you’re here!” He thought he’d heard someone in his room as he woke and had just sat up from his sleep. Running a hand through his long, blonde mop, he had to smile at waking to such a wonderful sight. “AJ said you’d be here today.”

“AJ’s not known for his lies. Come here.” She stood next to him by the bed, folding him into her arms, rubbing his head as he rested it on her chest. “You’re going to make me old before my time if you keep worrying me like this.”

“I’m sorry, Cici…I didn’t mean to worry you. He really didn’t need to call.”

“He loves you. What’s he got his panties in a wad about anyway?” She leaned back and brought his eyes up to hers. They looked horrible. Tired. Blood-shot. Swollen. His face was a mess of acne and his weight gain was not improving. Hadn’t gained, but she figured with being on tour he’d lose. Something definitely was not right.

Moving his gaze from hers, he simply shrugged, pulling her in for another hug. He didn’t want to talk about it. She was here and to hell with the rest.

“Oh no, big guy.” Stepping back completely now so he couldn’t hide again, she gave him a downright maternal lecture. “I’m not hoppin’ on a plane with less than a week’s notice for you to shrug me off. No way.”

So, she couldn’t keep the mommy routine up for more than a sentence. She tried. Sitting next to him on the bed, she had to sigh as he leaned over and laid his head on her shoulder. She really had missed the little boy she once knew. Didn’t expect to see him come back like this though.

“Can I just be here with you for a bit first? We’ll talk later?”

“Yeah…when do you have to leave for the show?”

“Not ‘til like 5 or so…we just go through a tunnel here.”

“And Mandy?”

He looked up to her, sadness filling his eyes. “Amanda took her out today so we could talk. I won’t see her ‘til after the show.”

“Okay. Just you and me then. Why don’t you lay back down and I’ll join you after I change, huh?”

Without another word he flopped back down onto the pillows, sighing contentedly as she tucked him in and kissed his cheek. She wasn’t sure what to expect when she’d come, but this wasn’t it. She wanted the light to come back into his eyes. Where had it gone? Who took it? And how could she help him get it back?

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

Tipping the waiter, she pulled the cart of food into the room and set everything up on the coffee table. “Nick! Dinner’s here!”

Oohhwhadya get me?” Nick hopped in the room, pulling on a pair of sweats as he approached the couch.

“Some chicken pasta stuff…no idea but it sounded good. Carb you up for tonight.”

“You take good care of me.”

“Mmm…so, you gonna fill me in as to why you need so much TLC lately or am I gonna just have to make up my own version?”

“No, no…I’ll talk.” He sat on the couch next to her and leaned in for a kiss. “Thanks for just holding me though. I just feel so…so…”

“Overwhelmed?”

“Yes…that’s it. Overwhelmed. You helped me be quiet. I need that right now.”

“Anytime. Come on. Eat up.”

She sat and watched him eat for a bit, which normally annoyed the hell out of him, but right now, he didn’t care. He was starving and the fact that she would be content just to lay down with him, just to sit and watch him eat…give up her life to do this was amazing. She wanted nothing in return. Everyone wanted something, didn’t they? Nope. Not Cici.

She reached up and touched his face, rubbing his cheekbone just below his eye, inspecting it with her professional eye. “Nick…”

“Yeah…” Damn. Here we go. He tried to keep shoveling food in his mouth, hoping she’d not see. Hoping she’d not notice. Why he ever felt like he’d pull one over on her, he’d never know.

“Honey…you have a bruise on your face here. It’s old, healing up good. What happened?”

He closed his eyes and sighed not wanting to have to admit this to her. Not wanting her to know how weak he really was. How stupid he was being. How lost and confused his life had become.

“Honey…it’s just a bruise…what happened?”

He finally swallowed his mouthful and looked to her, tossing his fork on his plate. “You’ll be disappointed in me, Ci.”

“Maybe. We can work through it. What’s up?”

“It’s Mandy…”

“Mandy? What does she…” Then, remembering the temper she’d seen on the little imp, realization dawned on her. “Did she…Nick!? Baby…”

“We had a fight. An awful fight. Nothing new. But, she wasn’t…well, she wasn’t all together. Neither was I, and, well…”

“She hit you!?”

He silently nodded, trying to focus back on his meal, which suddenly didn’t look quite so appetizing.

“Nick…” She brushed the spot with her thumb again and then she pulled his head down to her and kissed him. Right where Mandy had so mercilessly hit him. “She had no right.”

“Well, I’m not the best boyfriend to her, Ciara…”

“No one deserves to be hit, Nick.” Running her hand through his hair and rubbing his arm, she just wanted to just fold him up, stuff him in her suitcase and take him home to care for him like a sick child. “…did you hit her back?”

“No. I didn’t. I kicked her out. At least for the night.”

“Has she done this before?”

Nod.

“Does she BEAT you, or just have a helluva wallop?”

“Um…it’s not pretty, okay? Can we leave it at that?”

“Yeah, okay. And you’re all okay now? She’s still…why are you putting up with that behavior, Nick?”

“I have no damned idea, Ci. She just…I mean…I know this makes no sense at all. But, when we’re not fighting, she’s comfortable, you know? I don’t like to be alone. I hate it. I suck at it. She’s fun and she’s…” He buried his head in his hands humiliated at having Ciara know how weak he really was.

“I didn’t know that being hit was a comfortable thing. I must have missed something in life.”

Cici…please.”

“I’m sorry, Nick. I really am. But, you should not be tolerating this shit. You have enough other crap going on without a lunatic traveling companion!”

“I know. I just don’t know what else to do at this point. We only have a few more weeks this leg. They’ve started on my house in Apollo, so I should be out of there after the holidays. It’s just for a little longer.”

“You’re staying with her so you have a home in Tampa!?”

“No…no…that’s not it.”

“So you’ll have a family?”

Silence. Nail on the head. Damn, she was good.

“Nick, they cannot be your surrogate family. That’s not fair to YOUR family, to you or to the Williford’s.”

“I don’t want to have anything to do with my family right now, Ci. I’m just a commodity to them. I’m not their son.”

“You are, Nick…you are. They love you so much. They’re just…they’ve been taken in by all the money, that’s all. I mean, your dad’s given up stuff to come drive your bus for you.” Maybe if she said it strongly enough she’d believe it too.

“To babysit me, Ci…that’s not love. And yeah, they’ve been taken in by the money. The money made by me and my brother…and soon enough my sisters. I’m sick of it.”

She had nothing to say to that. They’d asked for it, they really had.

“So what are you going to do?”

“Gonna shack up with Mandy’s family once this leg is over, struggle through the holidays, get things settled with my house and move in.”

“Alone?”

There’s that damned silence again. She was too insightful for his own good sometimes.

“Probably not.” He threw his fork down again and leaned back, pulling her with him to snuggle into his chest. “I’m sorry, Ci. But, I’m asking her to move in with me.”

“She’s beating you and you’re gonna live with her? Nick, I should start beating on you.”

“Probably.”

“Why, Nick? Are you that afraid of being alone!?”

“Yes. I am.”

She sat up to look at him…wanting to drive her point home. “Why!? Nick, take it from one who knows…being alone is probably one of the best gifts you can give yourself.”

“Maybe I’m not so sure I deserve any gifts.”

“Nick…”

“I’m done talkin’ now, Ci. I don’t know what else to say. This is where I’m at right now. I’m sick of my mom. She’s taken my dad, brother and sisters away all for fame and glory. I mean nothing to her. I mean, if your own mother doesn’t see your worth, why should anyone else?”

“I’ve always seen your worth, Nick. And I always will.” She laid back down against his chest, rubbing his stomach, wishing her simple touch could make all his pain go away.

“That’s why I needed you here.” He took her hand and brought it up to his lips and kissed each finger. She did value him and he did need that reassurance. “I guess AJ’s not so irritating after all.”

“Oh, yeah…he’s irritating. But he also loves you. All four of those guys know your worth, Nick. And it has nothing to do with being a Backstreet Boy.”

“I know…I do know. I just…” He ran his hand through his hair for the millionth time since dinner had arrived.

“You just want to feel it from Mom.”

“Yep. I need to, Ci…but knowing it’ll always be there from you…”

“It will, Nick. Always.”

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

“How the hell did you find such incredible seats, Cici? Damn! We’re gonna get hit by sweat!”

“Well wouldn’t that be lovely? I just…lucked out with auctions and stuff, I guess.”

This was Ciara’s first show “as a fan.” She and Deanna would be hitting the next three and somehow Ciara had to keep any knowledge to herself. It wasn’t going to be easy. Any other time, she’d been able to play in the gutter, walking around the pentagon stage, annoying Nick, flirting with him, goading the other four. But now, she was about 5 rows back on the floor and had to stay put. No personal interaction unless it just “happened.” It would be interesting to be sure.

It had only been a few days since she’d left Nick and gang in Knoxville. Oh how she loved to be there again…hardly. But, she stayed in the hotel, showed up for the show that night and flew out before the busses took off the next morning. No harm done. Her family was ready to kill her for not being around at all for the Thanksgiving holiday. In light of the way Nick was feeling rejected by his own, it was a bit of a welcome feeling, actually. They wanted her around. Thing was, she wanted no part of it. To this day, they could not deal with her health. It was the proverbial “elephant in the room” and she wasn’t in the mood for elephants. She much preferred…

“HOLY SHIT, CI! They’re flying in on surf boards!?”

“Yep! Cool, huh?” Yes, that was it. She much preferred flying boy bands at the moment. And could Nick put on the show face? No one would ever have a clue at the inner turmoil in this kid. But she saw it. And he saw her. And it was good.

As the show went on, Ciara was actually getting more enjoyment out of watching Deanna’s reaction to things over watching the boys. She’d seen the show. She knew what to expect…well, most of the time. But it was a neat experience to see it from this side. They were good. They were amazing. They had every person in that crowd right in the palm of their hands. She was blown away.

“Oh my God, Ci…he’s lookin’ at you!!” Deanna was beating holy hell out of Ciara’s arm.

“Uh huh…he sure is.” She shook her head at Nick, smiling ‘larger than life.’ He just couldn’t leave well enough alone, could he?

“Am I original?” Smirk. Wink. God damn him.

“Yeah! Yeah!” Might as well be a full fan here and sing along.

“Am I the only one?” Oh yeah, Brian. The world could only deal with one of you, goofball.

“AM I SEXUAL!?” Dead in her eyes. There was no doubt to anyone within 15 rows of them who he was singing to.

“Yeah! Yeah!” Brat.

“CIARA! Oh my GOD! Look at that!”

“He’s just a big ole flirt…probably couldn’t really see me anyway.”

“You think? Girl, he’s got it for you.”

“Uh…no. He’s got it for Mandy. I think she’d kill anyone else.”

“This is true…hell…still was cool.”

“No doubt…” Now hush up and leave this topic alone, dear Dee. Pretty please.

By night three, Nick had picked her out at least once and Dee was convinced he had a thing for Ciara. He was not going to make her life easy, was he? All in good fun. The best part of these shows was that she could see he was doing better. More confident, more together. Nothing the average fan could tell, but somehow he was picking himself up and getting it together. The tour ended after make up shows in Ft. Lauderdale and it’d be time to go home, wherever the hell that was.

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

“Merry Christmas!”

“Oh for God’s sake, get in here before a neighbor sees you!” Ciara yanked on Nick’s sleeve laughing hysterically. The big blonde oaf was standing on her porch clad in green from head to toe with a bright red bow around his neck, one stuck on his head and a one more around his waist dangling the bow at his crotch. Oh yes, and a shit eating grin to add sparkle. “I can only imagine you tying these damned things on out in the car.”

“Oh, I didn’t. Had it on since I left the house.”

“You left Mandy’s looking like this!? AND you drove through town? Oh dear God.”

Ayup! No one was home…take a pill.” He pulled her into his arms, crushing the crotch bow. “So, uh…you gonna unwrap me and see what your present is?”

“You’re the last of the big time spenders, you know that?”

“Now, hang on…I got you something.” He stuck his head back outside and picked up a package he’d set on the porch. “And uh…don’t get excited.”

Oohh…thank you. Do I open it now?”

“Sure.”

She quickly ripped the paper off, sticking the bow on her head, “so we’ll match,” and started cackling. “New mouse slippers! Thank you!”

“They’re not quite like yours, but close enough.”

Pulling them out of the box, she kicked off her ripped, torn ones and slid on the new ones. “Perfect. Thank you.” Hiking up on her tip toes, she kissed him and pulled the bow off the top of his head. “Now, about this other present…You are kinda like the biggest package under the tree. Always my favorite.”

“Mmm…big package. Yeah…”

“Humility, Nick. A little dab’ll do ya’.”

She pulled on the crotch bow, untying it and ran upstairs to her room, red ribbon trailing behind her, squealing as she felt him pull back on it just before she fell onto her bed.

“I’ve got another one to untie…then I have an idea.”

“Oh yeah?” She slowly undid the bow around his neck, giggling at the pathetic way he’d tied it and kissed his neck as his flesh unearthed from the satin ribbon. “Whatcha got in mind, Santa Clause?”

“Well, I hear…” he lifted her shirt over her head and swiftly unhooked her bra moaning as her breasts peeked out from the lace. “That you have been…” He gently pushed her back on the bed, taking his shirt off as she got adjusted on the pillows. “…a very, bad, bad girl.”

“I have, huh?” She had to smile, not only at his ornery, light-hearted attitude, but that he was obviously losing some weight. The extra had never bothered her as far as her attraction to him went. But, it did for his emotional health. Being off tour was doing him some good this time. In light of what she had found in Lexington, she couldn’t be happier.

“Oh yeah…very bad.” One by one, he pulled the pillows out from under her head and back, offering soft kisses with the disappearance of each one. A kiss to her right breast. One to her left. Another at her collar bone. One under her left ear. Right ear. And after the final pillow hit the floor, he straddled her and slid his hands under her back, bringing her up to his mouth, tasting her lips, teasing her with his tongue and teeth. Soft nips, kisses and licks as far as he could reach in this position, finally lowering her, leaving her breathless. “So, what I understand is done to bad little girls…especially this time of year…”

“Uh-huh?” Her eyes bugged out of her head as he leaned over the edge of the bed to retrieve the two long ribbons that had been wrapped around his neck and waist. Oh, he wouldn’t.

“…is that they’re tied up for awhile.” He took hold of one of her wrists and pulled it up to the bedpost, tying it securely, but gently. “You know…to teach them who’s boss and all.”

“Jesus, Nick…” She had been having enough trouble breathing just from the treatment his mouth had given her upper half. Now? Why’d she even bother trying?

“Is this okay…seriously.”

“Yeah…this…yeah…” Stop talking and get busy, Santa!

“Good…” he brought her other wrist up to the opposite side and made do with finding a spindle along the headboard, not wanting to stretch her arms so far that she’d be uncomfortable. Once tied, he sat back on his feet, still straddling her legs and just smiled. “Hmm…now, what was the second part of the punishment? I’m afraid I forgot.”

“I have no idea, but it better involve your mouth. Now.”

“Oh…are we getting demanding?”

“Nickolas Gene Carter…”

Okay, teasing done. She was a riot, squirming, trying to be pissed off and failing miserably. He leaned down to her outstretched arms and kissed and licked the soft underside of her upper arms, amazed at how sensitive she was to his touch there. A new zone. Very nice. Working his way to her shoulders and down her chest, he spent time on each breast, kneading, kissing, sucking and enjoying. Moving to her stomach, he dipped his tongue in her naval and chuckled as she squirmed so much that she pulled too hard on one of her restraints causing her to swear in frustration.

Finally, he looked up to her one more time before sliding her pants off, kissing his way back up her legs, and laying them over his shoulders. Licking his lips in anticipation, he lowered his mouth to her inner thigh and finally….

“Oh fuck! Nick!”

“Mmmm?” He slowly lapped up the full of her lips, spreading them apart just enough as he worked toward his specific target. Once found, he smiled against her, listening to the intoxicating, almost guttural sounds of her delight at what he was doing to her. He worked slowly, methodically trying to cue in to her responses as to what she liked, what she loved and what would ultimately send her over the edge screaming his name, exhausting her, pleasuring her like she’d never been pleasured before.

And when that moment came, he slowly lapped at her again, tasting her, letting her come down from the climax, waiting for her breathing to return to a somewhat normal state.

“Please, Nick…untie me. I want to feel you.” She was squirming even more against her restraints frustrated at her inability to run her hands through his hair and hopefully…over a few more things.

He climbed back up, straddling her again gasping as his erection brushed her stomach when he untied one of her wrists. As soon as her hand broke free, her hand was all over him, touching, kneading, caressing every bit of bare skin she could find. He quickly untied the other wrist and moved back down to her, kissing her passionately, enjoying every touch of her hands to his skin. Feeling her fiddling with the waist band of his pants he sat up and played coy.

“What do you want?”

“Take ‘em off.”

He couldn’t lose them fast enough. Pulling out a condom from his back pocket, he kicked them off, and crawled over her from the foot of the bed, blowing his bangs out of his face as they seductively covered his blue eyes.

“I want you inside me, Nick.”

Request granted. He quickly sheathed himself, smiling as she squirmed watching him touch himself, making her want him even more. Making him want her even more. As he slid his body into hers, they could only say what made sense at the moment. Because when you stripped away all of the baggage that surrounded their lives and their relationship, it all came down to one thing. One thing they couldn’t seem to accomplish with another human being no matter how hard they tried. They gave themselves fully. All of him. All of her. For each other. Even though they denied it, it was true. The ultimate gift.

“Merry Christmas.”

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

“So, what are you doing for Christmas?” Nick propped himself up on an elbow playing with her ringlet curls. Normally they didn’t do this until she got very over heated. She’d definitely been over heated.

“Believe it or not, I’m singing at Mass tonight, go to work and I’ll head over to Mom’s after work.” She leaned in and kissed his chest, scrunching her nose at the soft curly hairs that were finally sprouting there.

“That’s cool you work the holiday for everybody.”

“Eh, most of the people have family. They should be with them.”

Oops. Ouch. Dammit. His face failed to hide the pain of that statement.

“I’m sorry, Nick…I didn’t mean…”

“I know. And you’re right. I just can’t…”

“It’s okay. So what are your plans?” Nice move, Ciara.

“I guess whatever they do, I’m in. I was hopin’ maybe you’d be free tomorrow or something and I could get out of some of it.”

“Sorry. Nope. She’s your family now, Nick.”

“No, she’s not.”

“For the holiday, yes she is. This is what you’ve chosen. You need to be with her.” Rolling over to check the clock, she groaned at it’s numbers. “In fact, you need to be heading back now. I have to get ready for church.”

She felt the breath escape him knowing how frustrated he was at his decision to stay home from LA. Not the smartest of choices. And outside of paying a small fortune for a last minute flight out there, he had no way to change it either. He’d blown it. Big time.

He waited until she was ready for work to leave, watching her go through her routine, making small talk and just being completely at peace in her company. Hers in his. As she held the door for him, he leaned down and took her face in his hands and kissed her softly.

“Merry Christmas, Ciara.”

“Merry Christmas, Nick.”

Closing the door behind him, she slid to the floor, stunned at the tears that spilled from her eyes. She wanted him. Wanted all of him in her life and there was absolutely no way that could happen. He was in her heart, but the rest? No, it just was not right. He was a mess. She was a mess. She had even been seeing Dennis from work now and again and it was decent enough. But Nick…this is where she was happiest and it was just out of reach. On this day especially, it ached from the inside out.

***

 

 

ß Back | Next à