Chapter 60
Ciara wiped away her tears and stood up
from the floor, angry that everything had come to this. He left. He picked up
the meds and walked out the door. Not a ‘goodbye’, not an ‘I can’t deal with
this’, not a ‘you have no right to demand this from me,’ nothing. He’d reacted
like every other man in her past had when faced with the truth. They couldn’t
handle it. He fled. After all these years, he fled.
And
now, she was supposed to get her act together and go to work. She didn’t know
if she’d hear from him and at this moment, didn’t know if she’d make the effort
either. Maybe he left knowing she had to work. Maybe he just needed to think
things through. The truth of it was, it didn’t look good either way. He had
never walked out on her before. Never. Swore he never would. And here she stood
in her foyer with the memory of his tail lights disappearing around the corner
as she watched him go.
Work
had been a total bitch. Sicker than hell kids, snottier than hell parents, and
doctors who decided the nursing staff had taken a stupid pill and didn’t know
their jobs any longer. The only blessing of it all was that for twelve hours,
she didn’t think about Nick. But, it was time to head home. To a silent house
and an empty bed. Originally he was going to be there waiting for her, but she
knew full well he wouldn’t be.
Just
as she ducked into her car, she heard a familiar beep from behind her in the
parking garage. “Hey,
“Breakfast?
Come on…Nicky can live without you one more morning.”
Well
that’s obvious, isn’t it? “Yeah…sure…” She reached in to grab her bag and
locked her doors again. Climbing into Deanna’s truck, she smiled through sad
eyes and heaved a sigh. “Thanks.”
“Woah…what’s up?”
“He
bolted.”
“You
told him?”
“Nope.
Never got that far.”
Deanna
wound her way through the parking garage and sped down the ramp to their
favorite after-work restaurant. She didn’t ask yet. Ciara
seemed too despondent to even know where to start.
Not
until they had ordered, did Deanna dare to pry further. Somehow she almost
didn’t want to know. This was Nick Carter now. Someone she’d idolized for a few
years. The boy next door. A pop icon. Perfect. Untouchable. Sitting on a
pedestal. Now? Now he was responsible for breaking her best friend’s heart. She
wasn’t sure how well she’d deal with this, or worse yet, how well she’d help
her best friend deal with it.
“Okay,
so…why’d he bolt?”
“I’m
not totally sure, but I can guess.”
“What
happened!?”
“Okay,
you…I mean…” She sighed, hating that everything she said could easily end up
internet fodder and blow these boys out of the water PR-wise. “You have to
understand…you may not speak of this to anyone, do you understand me?”
“Who
the hell do I know that would care anyway?”
“All
the more reason to shut the hell up,
“Oh.
Yeah…alright.”
“Okay,
back during Millennium tour, I’d get calls now and then from Nick or AJ telling
me to get out there and help Nick. He needed me. Things were bad. I’d go when I
could. I was his friend and I knew that our being together somehow balanced
him.”
“Wow…okay.”
“But,
once I’d get there, no one would really go into exactly what Nick’s problems
were. And frankly, I never questioned too much. I never saw anything worthy of
concern other than a guy who was being totally and completely manipulated by
his mother and his girlfriend…and his business. I just assumed…probably because
I didn’t want to see the truth…that it was just pressure from his life.”
“And
it wasn’t…”
“No.
And I got confirmation of that during his last trip to
“Drugs.”
“Yep.
Now. Looking back on everything and the timing, he got cleaned up before the
final leg of Millennium. It was obvious. And frankly, that cleaning up is what
told me then he was into some drug usage. But, I didn’t have any right to
demand shit from him. We were friends. We were lovers. But we weren’t…we didn’t
owe each other anything.”
“Right…but
now you do.”
“Exactly.
And I don’t think he’s into the coke anymore like I suspected before. I really
think this is just recreational, but I won’t have it.”
“Nor
should you. What’s he using?”
“Ex.”
“Shit.”
“Yep…”
Ciara looked up to the waitress and thanked her for
her food, aching inside when she realized it was the same waitress who almost
had spilled Nick’s eggs all over him that first morning after their reunion. Please
don’t recognize me. “Thanks.”
Sliding
by that potentially awkward situation, she was able to continue. “So…I
confronted him. I made him go through my medicine cabinet in the kitchen. Item
by item.”
“Oooh…good
ploy. But,” Deanne plopped a dollop of ketchup on her eggs, laughing at Ciara’s grimace in her culinary tastes. “…hush up…it’s
good.”
“Ick.”
“ANYway…didn’t he know about all of your meds? I mean, he
practically lives with you.”
“Nah,
not really. I just take ‘em without…I mean, I don’t display it, you know? When
we travel it’s just part of my ‘getting ready’ routine and I doubt he ever sees
them. Same with being home. I just pop ‘em in my mouth as I’m busying myself
around the kitchen. He’s a guy. Doesn’t notice details.”
“True…okay,
so he’s looking at all your meds, and….” Realization dawned on her. “Oh shit.
And he bolted.”
“Yep.
Seemed fine at the time…totally accepting of what I was asking about the drugs.
I’m probably naïve, but I think that’ll be fine.”
“But
he got a real glimpse into what you’re really about.”
“Sure
did. I left him alone to clean it all up and got ready for work. Come downstairs,
call for him, get no reply and I hear his truck in the driveway. Peek outside
and all I see are his taillights turning the corner.”
“Oh,
Ciara…I never…he loves you!”
“He
loves his image of me. I think he likes that I’m needy. He can take care of me.
Nice ego boost, you know? But THAT needy? Hell no. Scares the strongest of
souls.”
“Do
you know this is why he left?”
“Why
the hell else would he? If not that, then he decided the Ex is better than me.
Fine. If that’s it…good riddance.”
“So
now what?”
“So
now I’m overeating bacon. I don’t want to go home because I know he won’t be
there.”
“Ciara…I’m so sorry.”
“Gets
me out of telling him everything else.”
“No,
it doesn’t. This isn’t the end, Cici…come on now.”
“You
don’t know that.”
“And
neither do you. Just give him some time….give him time. Does he head to
“Not
that I know of. I think he’s home for a bit. Something is up with work too and
he won’t talk. Not that I need to know. I don’t give a shit if he’s a Backstreet
Boy, a solo artist or a garbage man. I just…” Tears welled up in Ciara’s eyes, something she hardly ever did in front of
anyone else and definitely never did in public. “I just can’t live…I just…”
“You’ll
get him back, Cici. You may have to go get him
though.”
“I’m
NOT chasing him.”
“I
didn’t say that. But…” Putting her fork down and holding onto her friend’s
hand, Deanna allowed a tear to escape her own eye…these two were perfect for
each other. This had to work out. “…just give him time, Cici.
Don’t give up. He’s not like other men. He just can’t be.”
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
“You
ready, man?”
“Yeah,
I’m comin’. Hang on.” Nick jogged downstairs to greet his buddies for a night
in Ybor. He needed to get out. Needed to forget,
because thinking just was not a pleasant thing right now. Too many questions in
his life. Too many things he felt so sure about suddenly weren’t so sure. The
last time he felt this lost and desperate, he had clung to Ciara
and found strength to pick himself up and get better. And he wasn’t that far
gone this time. Just screwing around with stuff. But, he also felt like he
couldn’t cling to her anymore. He’d leaned so heavily on her all these years
never knowing what she was trying to maintain herself. Nope. This time he’d figure
it out alone. Or, at least with his buddies.
As
they all emptied out of the truck, Nick grew uncharacteristically quiet. But,
this was another blessing of being with “the guys”…no one noticed or frankly
cared. Once he got a few beers in him, he’d loosen up, he was sure. Just
stress. Tension. Worry.
They
made their way up to the VIP section, partitioned off in anticipation of his
arrival. It was already buzzing with beautiful girls and flowing alcohol. And
anything else a pop star would want for a party.
“Hey,
you finally made it.” A skinny, silicon blonde slinked up to Nick, sliding an
arm around his waist. “You’re late.”
“I
am, huh?” Who was this chic? Was he supposed to know her?
“I,
uh…have your stuff over here. Come on.”
He
mindlessly let her lead him to a dark corner of the room, sliding around to the
back of the booth at her invitation. He looked down at the small tray she
placed in front of him and caught his breath. “They told me this is what you
like.”
Taunting
him from its paper serving cup was one small pill. Just a little one. One. Only
one. He looked up to the girl and offered a shy smile, picking the tablet up
out of the cup. Holding it between his thumb and forefinger, he turned it over
to check it’s appearance. Just as he was about to pop it into his mouth, he
stopped, tossing the pill on the table.
“No.
No, thank you. Not tonight.” Pushing the tray away, he stood up and slid back
around the booth and away from the girl, rushing to find the men’s room.
“What
the…Nick!” Not wanting to draw attention to him, she let him go, albeit
reluctantly. She had been hoping that by being his supplier she might get a
score with him as well. No such luck. Although, word on the street was he
wasn’t hooking up anymore. Just partying and heading home. Still…she had a
chance.
Pushing
his way through the crowd, Nick finally reached the bathroom and slammed into a
stall. Sitting on the closed seat, he buried his head in his hands trying to
get the sound of Ciara’s pill bottles crashing to the
floor, the look in her eyes, the shrill in her voice
to leave him. But it wouldn’t. The harder he pushed it out, the stronger it
came back in. She was right. He had no excuse to use something like this to
escape whatever ailed him at the moment. None whatsoever. It was time to be a
man. Time to grow the hell up, take a look at life and deal with it.
But
tonight, he really didn’t want to deal. He wanted to forget. Was it so bad to
just want to forget? Ciara got drunk to forget. Ciara even used him for sex now and then to forget, just as
he’d used her that way over the years. Why couldn’t he just forget? Maybe
sometimes it was okay. But tonight? No. He had to get out of there. Had to go
home. Even if it meant to be alone and he’d have to think. Ciara
meant too much to him. He had to figure this out.
Making
sure his buddies had a way home, he got his truck and left. Never putting a
beer to his lips, and definitely never putting any other mind-altering drug in
his system. And he felt good about it. His out-patient treatment years ago had
lasted him this long and there was no reason some of the things he’d learned
then couldn’t help him now. He could do this.
The
fear with Ciara’s health really needed to be dealt
with though. He had promised he’d never just up and leave her. And he’d done
just that. She had to be furious with him. Would she take him in again? Would
she give him a chance to explain? Did he even have anything TO explain? He just
got scared. Was that such an unforgivable thing?
Then
there was her behavior as of late. She’d been shutting him out like mad. Hell,
that’s what partially led to his intense partying in
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Deanna
had been right. This had to work out. Yes, he probably got scared. And yes, he
fled. But, he was young. He had so much else to consider in his life. And
really, Ciara knew all along that this couldn’t be a
forever thing. But, she had to try to fix the friendship anyway. There was no
way she could survive without that much. And if that could be fixed…maybe, just
maybe he’d forgive her for all she’s kept from him all these years and they
could have some more time together as a couple.
She
had to try and she had to be the first to make a move. She’d probably scared
him to death. All of those medicine bottles in his arms, falling all over the
floor, hearing her manic screeching…god. What a mess. But it was because she
loved him. Now it was time to go prove it. To show it. To let him know that she
was there for him and ready…somehow, in time, to open up. Maybe.
So,
in her car she got and to his house she drove. She was petrified. She really
wasn’t ready to spill yet. Too much was laying in the balance as it was and
this would totally knock the teeter-totter off its center. As she pulled into
his driveway, her nerves kicked in full gear, but she got out of the car
anyway. Time to go do what she’d never done before. Work for a relationship.
***
