Chapter 64
Ciara pulled away from him, getting up from
their comfortable spot on the chaise and walked away. No, he couldn’t be saying
such things. He had no idea what he was saying or what he’d be getting himself
into. She wasn’t ready for this talk. She was not ready. “Nick, you don’t know
what you’re saying.”
“Yeah,
Cici, I think I do. I’ve thought a lot about this,
and I know…someday…”
“NO!
Stop! Please!”
“Why
are you doing this, Ci? Why do you pull away like
this? I’m not proposing to you. I’m just saying…”
“Well
you need to quit ‘just saying’, Nick. You need to just get the idea totally out
of your head.”
“Why!?
You’ve done nothing but push me away since I got back from LA last month. We
haven’t made love in…in weeks. What the hell happened that’s making you shut me
out?”
“Nothing,
Nick. It’s nothing you’ve done. It’s…it’s nothing.”
“Bullshit.
We’ve pansied around this for too long. I sat there
in your kitchen and listened to every word you had to dish out to me about
the…the…” He couldn’t even say it. He was still so humiliated he’d lowered
himself to that again. But, if he was going to expect her to be honest with
him, he’d have to be honest as well. “….the drugs. I never told you I didn’t
want to hear anymore. I listened, I took in everything and I realized what an
idiot I had been.”
“I
know, and I appreciate that, Nick. I really do.”
“Now
it’s your turn, Ciara. You now know everything. Every
god damned ugly part of myself. I had a drug problem. I used. I got treatment.
I used again last tour and I used again once I got home. I never got out of
control again, but I went back to my stupid behavior and leaned on something
rather than myself or someone who could help me. You found out, you told me
where to take my sorry ass if I didn’t get it fixed and let me decide.”
“And
your decision?”
“Is
you. Me and you. I’m not gonna do it again, Ci.
Partially because I don’t want to lose you, but mostly…because I don’t wanna
lose me.”
She
turned from her spot on the porch, arms still crossed, message of closure still
being sent, but broke the barrier a bit with a smile. She knew this evening was
the moment to make or break their future. But, no matter which way it went,
just hearing that, she knew he’d be okay. His decision to stay clean was for
him. This was good. “I’m glad to hear that, Nick. I knew you’d reach that
point.”
“Now
it’s time for me to make an ultimatum. You can’t push me away anymore, Ci.”
She
turned back around, not able to look at him, not wanting to hear this. Do or
die. Make or break. Fight or flight. It was too much.
Wanting
to be assured he had her full attention, he walked to her and ran a hand
through her hair, causing her to meet her sad green eyes with his scared,
worried blue. “Half of my life has been with you in it. Half of my life. I
don’t know what life is like without you in it and I never want to know that. But,
Ciara…I can’t keep this up.
I
can’t just be your toy. I can’t just be your caretaker. I can’t just be your
companion when you’re lonely. That worked for awhile, but now…you have to see
that everything’s different. Please tell me you see that.”
“Yeah,
Nick. I do.”
“Then
I need you to…open up. Let me in. All the way. Tell me what to do to break
through that goddamned wall you’ve spent so long building.”
“I’m
scared, Nick.”
“It’s
okay. We’re partners now. I know that. We’ll work it out.”
“Don’t
promise that. You don’t know.”
“Then
tell me so I will. No more hiding, Ci. No more.”
“Can
we take a walk and talk? I’m about to jump out of my skin.”
“Yeah,
sure…whatever. You want to go back to my place and we’ll head out to the
beach?”
She
thought about that for a minute. She couldn’t run then and neither could he.
Yeah. That might be good. They’d have to finish this out. Take their time if
‘good-bye’ was really going to be their parting words. “Yeah, let’s go there.”
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Ciara had gone over this scenario in her
mind so many times, she should be able to just close her eyes and make it all
pour out. But now that it was here, now that she was laying next to Nick,
propping themselves back on their elbows, toes digging into the sand, the quiet
rush of the surf rolling in, feeling more love for him and from him than she
could imagine, she suddenly felt completely incapable of spitting it out. She
had to; she would. Whether it would make any sense or not…well, that was
another tale altogether.
“First,
I’m sorry for pushing you away. Physically, emotionally…I’m sorry. I’ve done it
to every man in my life and lucky you…I didn’t want you to feel left out.”
“I
think I could have handled missing that little adventure.”
“Yeah…I
bet you could have.”
She
leaned over and rested her head on his arm wishing this was over, scared for it
to actually be. “I’m so sorry Nick.”
“I
know…”
“That’s
not what you wanna hear, though, is it?”
“Not
totally, no.”
“Hmmm…was
hopin’ I could eke out of this.”
“Nope.”
Stubborn
mule. Fine. “Okay, let me go back in time. Way back.” She sat up and turned to
face him, sitting “Indian style” with her knees resting against his thighs.
“Okay.
How far back we talkin’ here?”
“Remember
the Disney trip way back? Lindsey showed up with Kevin and I had no idea? You
guys had just come back from a jaunt in
“Yeah,
the one where I stuck my foot in my mouth.”
“Yep,
that one. How old were we then? You were 16? 17? Yeah…cuz I was 21.”
“Jeez,
seems like a lifetime ago.”
“Yeah,
in many, many ways it was. Only one other person…well, three other people know
about this. And I need it to stay that way.”
“Yeah,
sure…” Now he was getting nervous. What the hell?
“Okay…please
tell me this isn’t about that!?”
“No,
no…not at all. I’m just trying to get the time frame right in my mind too…where
you were and stuff.”
“Mmkay…”
She
stopped. Fear gripped her and she couldn’t speak. Looking up to him, she smiled
sheepishly as her eyes met his. He knew. Had he been forced into spilling his
shit with her like this, he knew the fear he’d have had. As it was, he was
caught. But he knew. Sitting up and turning so their knees met, he took her
hands in his. “I’m here, Ci…I’m here. Just talk.”
Nodding,
she took a deep breath. “Okay…do you know why Dwayne and I quit seeing each
other?”
“He
showed up stoned didn’t he?”
“Yeah,
but, uh…I saw him now and again after that too.”
“Oh…I
guess I didn’t realize that.”
“I
know. That was on purpose. I was being an idiot.”
“Been
known to happen.”
“Thank
you, dear…anyway, so uh, he’d come over and you know…even though…well anyway,
sometimes when you’re not careful, mistakes happen.”
“Like….”
“Like
unexpected pregnancies.”
Nick’s
eyes bugged out of his head. No way. “Pregnan-…Cici? You!?”
“Yeah,
Nick.
“How
come no one ever…”
“Well,
that’s where it gets fun…and that’s when I decided that…because of how I
handled it and…and everything…that I didn’t deserve…that no one should ever…”
She sighed again, not wanting to cry so early on in this discussion, but she
was losing out to the emotions she’d bottled up for so many years.
“What
happened, Ci?”
“I
went to the doc like a good little nurse should. They not only confirmed the
pregnancy, but they even let me hear the baby’s heartbeat.” There went a tear.
She could still hear it…just like it was yesterday. “I was pretty far into it
before I went to the doc because I just didn’t want to face the truth.”
“Yeah,
I can imagine doing that…you had to be petrified…almost ready to graduate…”
“Yep…and
sicker than a dog anyway…
So,
I hear the baby’s heartbeat. It’s real. Like…it sounds like a washing machine.
Shook, shook. Shook, shook.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah,
cool. Until I go see my regular doc. He looks at my chart, checks all of my
blood levels and things…kidneys, blood pressure, all of it…and he basically
tells me there is no way I can carry this baby safely. For me or for the baby.”
“Oh…”
“So,
the two doctors talked and I had to make a decision. Risk it or…”
“Or?
Or what?”
“Or
end it. You add my Catholic upbringing into the mix, and even though I don’t
practice my religion, it’s still in me, you know?”
“Totally…so,
you had an abortion?”
“Yeah,
Nick. They called it a ‘medical termination,’ but the asshole sent me to a
standard abortion clinic and everything. I was treated like a common street
whore who’d gotten knocked up again and…” Tears. Lots of them. Slowly started
sliding out of her eyes but were eventually wracking her to the point where she
could barely talk. But she didn’t stop. Now that she had started and gotten
over the first hurdle of what she had to tell Nick, she just couldn’t stop.
Nick
tried to wrap his arms around her to help her calm down so she could continue,
but she pushed him away. “No…I need to…just let me go here. Please.”
“Okay…okay…it’s
fine, Cici…it’s fine. I’m so sorry I didn’t know…I
couldn’t have been there for you.”
“Well,
yeah. I’d have never told you this then, honey. You were 16 years old. You
couldn’t have handled this.”
“I
could have…I could…”
“No.
No one could. Everyone ran.”
“Everyone?
You did this alone? Where the hell was Dwayne? It was his kid too!”
“Yeah,
I know. He said he’d show but didn’t. Lindsey said she’d sit with me once I got
home, but had ‘a headache’ and never bothered. Turns out okay. It was kind of
icky even before I left.”
“How’s
that?”
“Well,
so happens the doc was right. I had started to bleed, my blood pressure went
through the roof…and remember my eyes?”
“Yeah…”
“Yeah,
that’s when that buggy eyes shit started. I was toxic.”
“Toxic?”
“Um,
basically my body saw the fetus as a foreign object and was doing everything it
could to eliminate it. My body…it just…it hates me. It’s my enemy. Always has
been.”
He
had nothing to say. Nothing could soothe that kind of ache. Words were empty,
she was still too stiff to accept a hug and…he felt totally helpless. It was a
6 year old agony, but yet it felt so fresh, so new, so…painful.
After a few moments to allow her to calm down, wipe up the tears and get her
breathing back to normal, she continued, smiling at the bright blue eyes
looking at her. So far so good. He wasn’t running.
“So,
anyway, I had it done…I’d have lost it anyway, but…it was at MY hand that I
lost it. My choice, my decision. I killed my baby.”
“No…no,
Ciara…you just said you were gonna lose it anyway…and
even if you hadn’t…you could have died, the baby may have died…no….you did the
right thing.”
“I’m
still not settled on that. And that’s a large reason why I just…I can’t let
anyone close to me. I’m not worthy of someone loving me. I killed my baby,
Nick.”
Again,
nothing. He had nothing. He just sat and rubbed his thumbs over her knuckles,
silently coaxing her to keep going. He could tell there was much more to say.
What she didn’t know was hearing her talk, hearing what she went through
alone…he was only falling more and more in love with her. He wanted to spend
the rest of his life showing her that she was worthy of another person’s love.
But now? Now it was time to let her talk. Let her begin to heal.
“And…that’s
why I sucked up to Bill. He didn’t love me. He put up with me. He liked
me…sorta. And he expected nothing. I didn’t have to open up to him. So, I’d get
a little affection with no heart. It was perfect.”
“Until…”
“Well,
yeah…until I got my head back and realized NO one is worth that kind of shit.
But, Nick…this is why I tend to cling to the assholes. They want nothing from
me. It’s horribly selfish, but I can get what I need and not have to divulge
too much of myself.”
“So,
why us now? Why did you give it a try?”
“I
have no idea, and I’m regretting it.”
“What!?
I thought…Ciara, please don’t say that.”
“I
am, Nick…because…you’re too close. I can’t…”
“…You
can’t what!?”
“Hang
on…we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let me pick up where I left off, okay?”
“Okay….”
Regret was the last thing he expected to hear from her. That one hurt. But he’d
listen. Maybe it’d make sense…eventually.
“So,
I get with Bill, and we’re gonna get married. I head to the doc to get some
references for
“What!?”
“Yeah.
So we talk about it and um…I did. We looked at my whole health record and
realized there was just no safe way for me ever to carry a child to term and if
I did, the handicaps and disabilities this kid would have would be horrific.
The damage to my kidney’s would be irreparable and…it just wasn’t worth the
risk.”
“You
had your tubes tied…”
“Yeah…I
did, Nick.”
Nick
turned back to the position in which they’d started, facing the bay, leaning
back on his elbows. He had to let this one sink in. “Which is why you never
worried if I didn’t use a condom….”
“Yep…I
mean, STD’s always ran through my head, but I figured I was tested all the time
with work, anyone else I was with used ‘em and I just…”
“Yeah,
I always did with everyone else too…”
“…good
to know.”
They
both fell silent for a time, her letting him come to the full realization of
what this quick confession meant. Him, chewing on it…wondering if it really
made any difference at all. At first glance, it truly didn’t. Who cared?
“So,
uh…I’m not trying to state the obvious here, but that means you’ll never be
able to have kids, huh?”
“Yep.
And…I sorta let that go for awhile. I was enjoying us being together again. No
other relationships. Just you and me. We’ve never had that and Nick…”
Afraid
he’d hear another admission of her regret, he tentatively looked up to her.
“Yeah?”
“You’ve
made me so happy. So…full…I never imagined it could be this way.”
“Then
why do you say you regret it? I’ve never felt like this before either…”
“Well,
my health took another interesting turn and it kind of brought the reality of
my life…of our life…of a future with us…into a new light.”
“How’s
that?”
She
laid down next to him, rolling over on her stomach and snuggling up as close as
she could be without being on top of him. Hiking up on her elbows, she leaned
over on his chest. This is where she wanted to live out her days. With him. But
it wasn’t fair to him. He had so much to offer someone…and she couldn’t…it just
was not meant to be. Lifting her head, she took a deep breath and continued.
“Well,
I found a new ob/gyn since the last one was such an insensitive ass.”
“This
is good. I can’t believe he let you hear the baby’s heartbeat and then told
you…”
“Yeah,
I know…it was awful. Anyway, I go semi-regularly to see him…I suck at
unnecessary doctor appointments.”
“Well,
yeah…you go to so damned many anyway.”
“Exactly…but
I’d do this one now and again, and one day, about two years ago or so ago, they
found atypical cells on my cervix.”
“Atypical?”
“Yep…just
abnormal. Sometimes pre-cancerous, sometimes just funky, sometimes nothing at
all.”
“You
don’t do anything by the book, do you?” He looked over to her and smiled…the
first smile since this conversation started. It felt good.
“Nope.
I like to keep ‘em guessing.”
“You
like to keep me guessing too…normally I like that.”
“I’ve
not been fair on this one though…so, let me keep going.”
“Okay…keep
going.”
“So,
atypical cells and I’d go a little more often and get ‘em re-tested. Kept
getting the same thing. After a few months, they changed from atypical to
pre-cancerous.”
“Oh
shit…”
“Yep…oh
shit is right. But frankly, I didn’t care. You know? Give me AIDS, give me
cancer…give me something that will finally put me out of my misery instead of
these damned chronic things that only make me miserable.”
“Ciara…you don’t wish for cancer.”
“Maybe
YOU don’t, Nick…but I truly did. And if you had given me AIDS from all of your
little groupie sessions, I wouldn’t have cared either.”
“Nice…”
“Sorry…but
that’s where I am. So, pre-cancerous for a few months and it never changes. I’m
sick to death of these quarterly pap smears and talk to the doc. He suggests
just going ahead and taking my cervix out.”
“Woah…don’t you…I mean, isn’t that kind of necessary?”
“Not
if I’m not going to have any kids, no.”
“Oh…”
“So,
it came time for the surgery…which was Grammy time. I had it done while you
were in LA.”
“Ohhhhhhh…..”
“So
that’s why I pushed you away physically. Stupid nurse Cici
didn’t realize she couldn’t have sex for 2 weeks after the procedure. So, I
lied hoping to keep you at bay for awhile.”
“It
worked.”
“Yeah…not
like I planned though.”
“No,
probably not. Why didn’t you just tell me then?”
“Because
I’d have had to have told you about the baby thing and…”
“…and?”
“…and
I was afraid you’d leave.”
“Why
the hell would I leave?”
“Because,
Nick….” She sat up and pulled him up to join her, touching his face, seeing
that little boy creep back into his eyes. That sweet boy from the nursing home
that was so full of trust, so ready to love, so willing to give…and it broke
her heart. “…because I can’t give you the life you deserve. You deserve a wife
who can be the mother of your kids…a whole houseful of them. And you deserve a
woman who you can grow old with…and be a grandpa with.”
“I
deserve you, Ciara.”
“No,
you don’t. You deserve so much more. You’re young. You’re only thinking of
right now. Kids aren’t in your plans in the next week, so it seems okay to
you…”
“You
don’t think I’m capable of looking past this week?”
“Well…yes…no…I
dunno…I just know how far ahead I thought when I was 22.”
“I’m
not you, Ci. I have to look at the future all the
time. I don’t have a life-time career laid out for me like you do. Every penny
I make has to be divided up right so I’ll have money when Backstreet’s just a
blip on the pop charts. I have to make career choices that will help me 20…30
years from now…I can look past today.”
“But
those aren’t matters of your heart.”
“To
hell they’re not. My heart has been my work. You, of all people should know
that.”
He
had her there. It was true. But this? There was no way he could see clearly. He
was clouded with his feelings for her now. “Now” and “then” were so far apart
from one another there was no way he could see it all clearly.
“Nick,
I know you’re too young to be thinking marriage, but I also know where this
relationship has been headed. And after hearing what you said earlier
tonight…about how you’ve thought about all sorts of things with work and the
drug thing and me pushing you away…how you want me in your life forever…”
“I
do, Ciara…”
“You
don’t…you have no idea what that will mean for you.”
“It
means that no matter what happens we’ll be together, and Ciara…”
She
couldn’t look at him…she just couldn’t do this.
“…the
best times in my life have been with you. Why would any of what you just told
me change that?”
“Because
you just haven’t let it all soak in yet. And it’s not just the kids deal…”
“What
else is it, then? Tell me everything.”
She
looked up to him, sadness filling her heart. There was no way he’d thought this
through. Any guy his age would have run already had he thought this through.
So, after this little tidbit, she knew. He’d run. He may physically walk. He
may say, ‘I’ll need to think,’ but ultimately, this statement would break it
all. And it almost made her physically ill at the thought. Life without Nick
was not a life she cared to look at.
Standing
up, she pulled on his hands to have him join her. “Look at my eyes, Nick.”
“That’s
easy.” He rested his gaze in her eyes…his favorite place to be.
“You
know how lousy my eye sight is right now? No peripheral vision, horrid night
vision, a contact prescription pushing every limit so I don’t have to wear
glasses…”
“Yep.”
“This…like
they are now…is the best they’ll ever be. They’ll never be better.”
“Okay…”
“Touch
my shoulders.” He placed his hands on her shoulders, instinctively massaging
them, running his hands up and down her arms. “The pain I wake with every day
in them…the pain I woke up with today? The pain I’ll wake up with tomorrow? The
best they’ll ever feel. Never better.”
His
heart began to race as the realization of where she was headed started to sink
in. “Look at my hands.”
He
scooped up her hands, bringing her fingers to his lips and then looked down at
them. Very old looking. Dry. Cracked. Arthritic. She’d told him before it was
the Lupus that did that. Reminded him of his grandmother’s hands. “See how old
they look? You know how much pain they’re in every day…even now…even when you
kiss them so tenderly?”
“Yeah…”
“This
is the best it’s going to get.” She took his hand to touch the area around each
body part as she spoke of it.
“My
thyroid is as stable as it’s ever going to be. My kidneys are the best they’ll
ever be. One day, they’ll quit working and I’ll need to be on dialysis. It’s an
awful plight, but it’s mine.”
Looking
down at her bare toes in the sand, she wiggled them. “My feet hurt now and
they’ll never feel good again. Never. Neuropathy. Degenerative. I might even
lose toes, or…a leg.”
Bringing
his hands around from behind her, she could see the fear creeping into his
eyes. “My hips, my knees…the best they’ll ever be. I’ll always have symptoms of
the myasthenia, I’ll always have bouts when the Lupus flares up, I’ll always
have insulin reactions and high blood sugar spells. Until the day I die, this
is as good as it gets. And Nick, the day I die will be sooner than…well, I’ll
never have to ‘grow old’ anyway. If I’m lucky, and I mean really lucky, we’re
looking at maybe…maybe another 35 years. And that’s being optimistic.”
“I
know that…”
“No,
I don’t think you do. I think that somewhere in your mind you believe, like I
did for so many years, that one day we’ll wake up and the sun will shine in on
our bed and all of this will just go away. I’ll get pregnant that morning,
we’ll have a houseful of kids and we’ll ride off into the sunset together. But,
Nick…that can never happen with me.”
“Then
we’ll make a different sunset to ride off into.”
Bless
him. He was trying so hard. He just didn’t want to see. And it was wonderful
and refreshing to think that someone loved her enough to be blind to the truth.
Most men would see only a brief glimpse of the truth and they’d run. He had the
whole thing in front of him and couldn’t care less. At least now he didn’t.
Some day he would. She was convinced.
“I
just can’t waste your time like this, Nick.”
“You
are not wasting my time, Ciara…” He pulled away and
started to walk toward the surf. Spinning around on his heels, facing her
again, he shouted…not sure who he was angry at, but suddenly incredibly
furious. “Goddammit, Ci. I
can fucking think for myself. I’m NOT the idiot everyone thinks I am.”
“I
never said you were an idiot, Nick…you know I’ve always…”
“Then
don’t…” He was shouting at her and he’d never shouted at her before. Raised his
voice, had a bicker, but never shouted. And he wasn’t shouting at her as much
as shouting as his racing mind, his racing heart, the feeling that everything
he knew to be true and good and right with the world was suddenly completely
wrong. So, he couldn’t calm…he had to shout. “Just don’t fucking think for me.
Let me…just let me process all of this, okay?”
“Absolutely.”
She remained calm. This is exactly what she expected…only sooner, to be sure.
But she knew…she knew he’d react this way.
He
couldn’t even talk, no less think. Running a hand through his hair, he looked
to her helplessly, wanting to just erase it all. Make it all right and
perfect…just as it should be. “I just need…I…”
“Do
you want me to go home?”
“Yeah…yeah…let
me…do you mind?”
“Nope.
I kind of expected it. Should I call a cab?”
“No…no…God,
no. I’ll take you. I just…I can’t stay. Not tonight.”
“It’s
okay, Nick. Just take me home.”
He
walked back to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and took her back to
his house, back to his truck, and finally, back to her home. With an almost
platonic kiss goodnight, she went inside, knowing that from this moment on,
nothing would be the same again.
*****~~~~~~******~~~~~~~
A
week had passed and she hadn’t seen Nick since their evening on the beach.
She’d heard from him once. He sounded…odd. He’d gone down to
With
her alone.
Grateful
for a long stretch at work looking her dead in the eye, she took her last night
of rest for herself. She cut up a bowl of fruit, grabbed a water bottle and
went to bed. As she sat down on the edge of the mattress, she turned back to
“Nick’s side” and sighed. It was cold and empty over there. The whole bed was
cold and empty. Patting the spot where his blonde hair would play against the
dark green sham, she mentally said good-bye. It was time to start doing what
she knew she’d have to do eventually.
Looking
ahead and letting him go.
***
