Chapter 65
Ciara knew her decision was the right one,
but she couldn’t believe how much it hurt. She’d let him go. He’d finally made
the break from Mandy and the beginning of promotions for their album were in
full swing. When he was home, their time together was incredible, intense,
passionate, full of…
…love.
And
it scared Ciara to death. So, knowing he’d need to
spend the next year completely wrapped up in his career, she pushed him out.
Made him agree not to call her unless it was critical. He was pushing for a
relationship she couldn’t give and it killed her. She wanted to give it to him,
but knew, without any doubt that this was not the time. Their time would
probably never come.
“Go,
go do your tour, promote this album. Go be a star. You have to do this one
alone, Nick.”
“I
don’t want to do it alone, Ci…I want you with me.
Somehow, someway, I need you with me.”
“You
can’t need me anymore, Nick. You have to do this alone.”
So,
he agreed and left. He hurt, but he left. And now, it was the day they boarded
the plane in
Picking
up the package that had appeared on her porch while she’d slept off a long
stretch at work, she tentatively opened it. She knew what it was. Their new
album. With his letter. She wasn’t sure she could deal with it, but knew she
had to.
Skipping
his hand-written note, she peeled back the cellophane wrapper and argued with
the tape atop the case. “You think once you sleep with a Backstreet Boy you
wouldn’t have to break a nail getting into their damned CD’s.”
Black
and Blue. Yeah…that described it, didn’t it? Beat up, knocked around, through
hell and back…but it was the “and back” that made her smile. They’d probably
never see the success they had the previous year, but yet…their time was
nowhere near up. She was so proud of him…of all five of them. Opening the case,
she smiled as she leafed through the pictures, read the thank you’s, went back
to Nick’s page and “pet” his face. So beautiful.
Finally
ready to take the plunge into his letter, she put the CD into her stereo and
curled up on her couch feeling like he was sitting there with her…wishing he
really was.
Ciara;
Well,
here we are. Time for Ciara’s companion to Black and
Blue. I had this written up once, but since…yeah…since our last talk, I guess I
need to look at this a little differently. I’m not as happy with this CD as I
was with Millennium. None of us are. Hate that. But, in the timeframe we were
given, it’s the best we’ve got. So, without further rambling…Black and Blue.
The
Call: I had a helluva time not laughing through this one when I thought of you.
Just know I’m glad you were the one I was calling about and if someday we
should ever make it work between us…I’ll never make the call again. This will
make a kick ass video if we do release it as a single.
Somehow
she’d never considered herself the ‘other woman’ but damn, if that wasn’t the
truth. It was somewhat comical. Somewhat. Cool song. Awesome vocal break. Wow!
Shape
of My Heart: Wow…the lyrics hit more now than they did before. We’ve both been
playin’ games, Ci. Someday…
She
knew this one and had already thought that truth through. Frankly, it was
partly what motivated her to tell him to go on…move along. She couldn’t play
these games with him any longer. He deserved so much more.
Get
Another Boyfriend: Yeah…do that. Get another one, huh? I have someone in mind.
Ha.
Twit. Another fun song. Why weren’t they proud of this? They’ve come a long way
from “Boys Will Be Boys”.
Shining
Star: Oh yeah…this is another one that I couldn’t sing, rehearse, learn,
anything without seeing you all the time. All the time. Every time I sing it, Ci…
Stop
it, dammit. How did she let herself get so
emotionally wrapped up in him? When did her guard fall? Why couldn’t she
protect herself? And damn him for sounding so sexy in this thing! Good God.
I
Promise You: Uh…cheesy ass song. Not my favorite. Supposed to be ‘the new
wedding song.’ Personally, it ain’t gonna be. Too sappy for me, but you know
Brian. He looooves it.
How
the hell did they sing this without cracking up? Cheesy was an understatement.
And yeah, she could just hear Brian going on and on about this stupid thing.
Okay, she was beginning to see why they weren’t real happy. Song five was a
dud.
The
Answer to Our Life: Okay, so now I’m proud. I wrote the lyrics, we all wrote
the music. Environmental stuff in mind, but in many ways, it was also a song
about you and me. Not gonna take anymore crap, not gonna let anything get in
our way…maybe another time, huh?
They
did it. Full writing credits. Awesome. But…wow. The lyrics did have an
interesting dual meaning. And Nick had penned them. She was crying already. Dammit.
Everyone:
Fan anthem. Blah. Blah. Love ‘em, but…we didn’t need another one. It’ll make an
awesome opener though.
Yep.
Nice. Fun. Just like Larger than Life. Get another writer!
More
Than That: I’ve thought words similar to these so many times, Cici it’s not even funny. My favorite song on here
musically, lyrically…this one’s for you, baby.
Where
were her Kleenex? Beautiful song. And she knew he meant it. She wanted him
back. And it wasn’t going to happen.
Time:
Another one by us! Yay! Brian did most of these lyrics, but we all pitched in.
You see where you fit into this one…so many years, Ci.
So many. This is a product from the
Dick.
She’d never live that one down, would she? Although this one was cheesy, she
liked it. Nice ending, too…go Bri!
Not
for Me: This was supposed to be a collab with Michael Jackson. But as usual, it
was denied. I hate business. Anyway, the song’s not for you, either. You know
who I was thinkin’ of with this one.
Yep.
And Mandy hadn’t heard either. Poor man finally had to get a restraining order
against her so she’d stay away from his house. Insanity. Cool song, though.
Yes,
I Will: Uh…AJ…yeah…he’s a bit…Ciara, can I confess? I
HATE this song. There. I said it. Moving on.
Well,
hell…she didn’t need him telling her that! Yuck. God love AJ. And God love
Nick…he put his heart into it anyway.
It’s
True: Anybody for a whopper?
Okay,
she was getting why they weren’t as proud of this. It wasn’t bad, but it was
not their best. And she was sick of this song already anyway, thanks to Ninja
Nick and his friends at Burger King. Ciara made a
mental note to get the extra Ninja men to her nephew and waited out the song to
get to #13.
What
Makes You Different: Cheesy Howard again, but Ciara…yep.
Another one totally for you. My favorite line is the little under chorus,
“Everything in you is beautiful; love in you shines right through me.”
Not
everything is beautiful, Nick. Not everything…
How
Did I Fall in Love With You: I’m not going to say anything here. I had a whole
thing written out, but…just listen to the song.
The
title alone just about killed her. And by the time Brian was done with his
first solo, she couldn’t even hear anymore, causing her to have to play it
through three times…thank God Nick didn’t have any leads in this or she’d have
been on the first plane to Japan to meet them there.
…and
know that I’ll miss you so much. I’m going to try to keep in touch a little.
There’s no way I can just cut it off completely, Ci.
No way. But, I’ll respect your wishes and focus on tour.
I
miss you already,
Nick
Nothing.
She had nothing left again. He’d drained every ounce of energy from her and she
didn’t have any way to tell him. To thank him, to wish him well. He was gone.
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Television
and the internet kept Ciara connected. That and the
loony fandom of Deanna. She’d gone off the deep end, Ciara
was convinced. Fortunately, she’d also met some other loony fans online and
could travel to shows and things without her. Ciara
decided she’d hit a
So,
she’d keep an eye on things through Deanna’s ramblings and her previous online
connections. It was entertaining to be sure. As the tour progressed, it
definitely appeared as though Nick was taking her advice. Enjoying the tour,
enjoying single life, enjoying being twenty one. Even looked like he had
another girlfriend. Good for him.
And
Ciara was trying to move on as well. She and Dennis
got a little more serious, with him finally separating from his wife and
living, at least part time, in Ciara’s home. He
seemed sober most of the time and he didn’t ever want to get married. Besides,
he could put the Titanic back together he was such an incredible handy-man.
Between that and his awesome cooking, she couldn’t complain.
Until
he started drinking again. While waiting for Deanna to come over for a night of
Backstreet TV via the Kid’s Choice Awards, Dennis had another conniption,
breaking one of her lamps. That was it. She tossed him out, toothbrush and all.
She never thought seeing Nick’s face on the TV screen would bring her such
comfort.
“Ah…there’re
our boys.”
“Yep…lookin’
good. Hey! Where’s AJ!?”
“I
dunno,
Once
Ciara found out, she had a hard time not totally
freaking out and calling him on the spot. If he was home, she could reach him.
His grandmother was his life and now she was gone. From diabetes no less. Ciara had to talk to him. But with Deanna…time to fake not
feeling well.
Once
the show was over, Ciara made a few trips to the
bathroom setting up her scheme. Nothing like lying to your best friend. Ugh.
Finally, she dropped her plan.
“You
okay, Ci?”
“Uh,
not really…I think dinner hit wrong and I forgot to take my Reglan.
I think I’m gonna go on to bed.”
“Sounds
like you need to. I’ll check on you tomorrow.”
Ciara wasn’t sure what was worse, lying to
Deanna or not knowing this had happened ahead of time. Either way, she couldn’t
wait to get on the phone.
“AJ?
Baby…it’s Ci.”
“Aw,
Cici…you didn’t have to call.”
“Yeah,
I did. They needed you tonight. You okay?” She could hear the tinkling of ice
in a glass, knowing full well how he was doing.
“She’s
gone, Cici…what am I gonna do?”
“Oh,
baby…I know. She had a helluva time of it, huh?”
“Yeah,
she did. I just feel…I can’t explain it.”
“No
need to. I just wanted to call and tell you I love you. Please take care of
yourself, huh?”
“Yeah,
yeah…I will.”
She
could tell he was drunk already. Poor AJ. Seemed to be his favorite way to deal
with life. But this? This could send him over the edge. Hopefully the schedule
of tour would keep him on track.
Time
dragged on and Ciara watched as the boys helped host
a special on MTV from the Keyes. Nick was so close, but she wouldn’t call. He
didn’t either. He had a home down there now...Mom and Dad had moved back from
LA and Nick joined them. Good for him. But, she was hurt he never bothered to
tell her. She found out from the internet again. Outside of finally watching
Nick in action on stage in
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
“Ciara…turn on MTV right now.”
“What?
Why? You woke me up for MTV!?” Jesus, had Deanna lost her ever-loving mind!?
“Yes,
you have to get up for work in 15 anyway…I’m serious. Now.”
Ciara groaned as she rolled over, fumbling
in her curtain-darkened room for the remote. Flipping it on and finding the
right channel, she gasped. “Holy fuck,
“Just
listen. We’ve seen this coming, Ci.”
It
was AJ. Ciara had been right. Grandma’s death had
pushed him over the edge and the boys had been fighting with him over it since
the second leg started. Finally, he’d agreed to rehab. Mid tour. The guys
were…despondent? Devastated? Angry? Lost? All of it. Nick especially.
Nicky…dear God, he wouldn’t even talk. Ciara and
Deanna sat in their own homes and watched as what felt like an entire world was
crumbling before them, only breaking their silence with an occasional, “Oh
dear”, or “Look at Nick,” or “Are they going to be okay?”
AJ
had spiraled him into a pit of depression and alcoholism, and as Ciara continued to listen to coverage the next few days,
she even heard hints of drug usage. Between concern and worry sat fury. How
dare he do this to them? While watching an extra MTV news spot and seeing Nick
finally break down on national television, Ciara
decided to break her code of silence and email him. She had to let him know she
was there. They always said their friendship would never be sacrificed and this
was a time to prove it to him.
Nick;
I’ve
been watching the news and reading things online and just wanted you to know
I’m here. I miss you terribly. Up to this point it looked like all was going so
well for you. Please, this definitely constitutes a crisis. Call me if you need
me. If you see AJ, tell him I love him.
Cici
That
didn’t even begin to scratch the surface of her feelings. Would this be the end
of the group? Would 30 days be enough for AJ? She had so many questions, many
of them the same ones that fans were bantering about back and forth online. She
remained silent. Sharing nothing. It was killing her. She wanted to talk to
Deanna about it, but especially now, there was no way she could share her
connection to the boys. This one she’d have to suffer through alone.
Almost.
Cici;
Thanks
so much for writing. I miss you too. Especially now. It’s been rough. He’s
been…well, it’s not been good. We tried over break to help, but he just
wouldn’t listen. Anyway, I’m gonna join Aaron on tour this month. Try to keep
out of trouble myself. You know how I don’t always do good that way, Ci.
We’ll
be okay. AJ will be okay. This WILL work out…somehow.
I’ll
give AJ your message.
Nick
And
that was it. It seemed as though he didn’t need her anymore…or didn’t want to
need her anymore. Just what she’d thought she’d wanted. Why then, did it hurt
so deeply?
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Thirty
days wasn’t quite enough and the boys had to take another major financial blow
and postpone more dates. As hard as it was, Ciara
kept her distance. Nick’s girl seemed to be gone already and he’d made no
effort to call, to come by during the break or anything. He was doing exactly
what she’d asked him to do. He was living his life, partying hard, probably
loving tons of women in the process and frankly, it hurt like a bitch.
Going
out with Deanna to local bars filled her nights off. It was not her style to
pick up men like this, but sometimes, loneliness just took over. It wasn’t like
she came home with someone new all the time. Just now and again. At least she
wasn’t alone. Maybe one of them would be a keeper. Maybe.
Happy
to be waking up with no one in her bed, Ciara hopped
in the shower to get an early start on her day. Tuesdays were perfect for
grocery shopping. She typically felt like she was the only one there, and
preferred it that way. Just as she stepped out of the shower, she groaned
hearing her phone ringing.
“Yeah,
what? I’m just out of the shower.”
“Sorry,
Ciara. Have you been watching the news this morning?”
“No,
Mom, I’ve been sleeping this morning. And now I’m dripping wet, why?” Ugh. She
could be such a pain in the ass.
“Turn
on CNN, honey.”
Last
time she was asked to turn the TV on it was not a good thing. There was no way
to prepare her for what she was about to see.
“Oh
sweet Jesus…Mom…what the HELL is going on!?”
“No
one knows for sure, baby. But it looks like we’re under attack.”
“No!
No! No! Not here! This can’t happen here! Oh my God! Mom!” Ciara
reached back to make sure she was near her bed before sinking down onto the
mattress, her eyes never leaving the television screen.
Somewhere
in the midst of it all, it occurred to her that two of the planes left from
“BJ!
BJ! Thank God, someone’s home. It’s Ciara.”
“Hey,
girl! How are…why are you calling here?”
“Nick…is
he okay? Where is he? I’ve been watching the...and…is he okay? Did he make it
to
“Oh,
yeah…he’s good. He’s across the border already. Made it before everything even
happened. He’s totally freaked though. Just like everyone else.”
“Well,
yeah. Are they all over there?”
“I
don’t think Kevin and Brian have made it yet. They’re stuck at the border, but
so far we think everyone’s okay.”
“Oh
good…my God. Wait. What about Aaron? Wasn’t he supposed to be in
“He
was, Ci…he saw everything.”
“Oh
no way…is he okay? Oh…poor Aaron.”
“He’ll
be okay. He and mom high tailed it out of there. They’re driving home in a
rental as we speak.”
“Wow…everyone
else home?”
“Yep,
we’re all here. Scared. Freaked, but we’re good.”
“You
said you talked to Nick? Is he okay? I mean in general.” How she wanted to call
him. But no. She wouldn’t. If he needed her, he’d call. She had to give him his
freedom now.
“Yeah…I
think so anyway. He’s enjoying being 21, that’s for sure.”
“Well,
good he should be.”
“Yeah…”
She
heard the concern in her voice, but really didn’t want to get into it…didn’t
want to hear it right now. She just wanted to know Nick was safe. And he was.
As was Aaron. And right now, after all she had just seen, safety was all that
concerned her…almost.
***
