Chapter 34
Nick sat in
his bed, listening to Brian whistling while the aroma of frying bacon and eggs
wafted into his room, enticing his stomach. He shifted, trying to get
comfortable. Yes, this was his bed...he'd had it for many years...but it
didn't feel right.
Nothing about
his room or his home felt right anymore.
Is it wrong
to feel this way? he wondered. I'm supposed to be whole again...happy to be
here...I was happy to be here... He sighed and grabbed a pen and a
sheet of paper. Help me... he wrote over and over again. Help
me...help me... He stared at the scrawled words for a moment before
deciding to let his feelings flow.
"I
wish I could define
all the thoughts that cross my mind.
They seem to big for me to choose.
I don't know which one's to lose
when I've fallen down so far.
I think I'll never see your light
bouncing off of me...
Shining down here from your eyes..."
Finally
finding a way to release his pent up frustration, he continued writing about
all the bewildering emotions that threatened to consume whatever was left of
the Nick Carter that everyone knew, that Caroline adored...
That Rina loved.
Rina...
"Help
me
figure out the difference between right and wrong
weak and strong, day and night
where I belong and
help me
make the right decisions
know which way to turn, lessons to learn
and just what my purpose is here..."
Lord help him,
he needed her so badly he ached. His gaze moved to the window once more,
the bright blue sky a stark contrast to the bleakness of his mood. He
scowled. So tell me God, if you're all about justice, why did you
leave me like this? Why do I still love the girl who lied to me?
He squeezed his eyes shut.
Why doesn't
she love me anymore?
***
Katarina made it as far as Nick's front door before she froze with fear. I
shouldn't be here... If only her heart could agree with her
mind. She let out a tremulous sigh before knocking on the door. Please
don't make me regret this God. The door opened and Brian greeted her
with a grin she suspected was one of the reasons why thousands of girls were
crazy about him.
"You made
it!"
She managed a
hint of a smile. "Yeah."
"Nick's
upstairs still," he told her as she stepped inside, "he might be
sleeping, but I doubt it." He frowned. "I heard him
pacing all night."
Katarina felt her worry stir again. Her dreams hadn't been wrong.
Nick was in trouble.
"Rina, I think you can help him."
She shook her
head. "I can't."
"Yes you
can."
Her eyes
stayed glued to the floor. "I can't Brian. I shouldn't even be
here. I'll only cause him more pain."
"If you
knew that, then why did you bother coming?"
Brian gasped
and Katarina stiffened at the icy tone of the new
voice. Slowly, she turned around and instantly, it was like her soul had
suddenly popped back into her body. Her eyes took in his tall, lanky
frame, his imperfect skin, the tousled gold locks on his head...
The lack of
warmth in his murky blue eyes.
He was hardly
the image of Prince Charming, but she loved him with a passion that was
indescribable.
More than
words could ever express.
"Uh, I'll
be upstairs if anyone needs me," Brian said, wanting to retreat from the
suddenly thick atmosphere in the living room.
"No,"
Nick responded, his voice edgy, "I need to talk to you," his gaze
stayed fixed on Katarina for a moment before he
continued, "to both of you."
Katarina tried to speak, but no words could escape her dry mouth.
"But
don't you two need to talk first? I can--"
"Katarina and I can talk later," he interrupted,
"this is more important."
Katarina...more important...? She blinked back
her tears, his words echoing in her mind.
Brian put a
reassuring arm around her shoulders and she peered at him with grateful eyes,
missing the spark of jealousy in Nick's eyes.
"What do
you want to talk about?"
Nick's face
contorted to one of wariness, pain...
Fear.
"I...I
want to tell you...about my face..."
***
A few minutes
later, they were seated in the living room, Nick across from Katarina and Brian. Nick's eyes narrowed. She
clung to him like a damn lifeline. If it wasn't for the fact that Brian
was head over heels for Leighanne...
"Nick,
would you quit looking at us like that?" his best friend snapped, "if
looks could kill, we'd be goners by now...and don't you get any funny
ideas. If you'd stop acting like a jerk, maybe she wouldn't be so
frightened!"
Nick was angry
beyond compare at Katarina...but the last thing he
wanted was to frighten her. He concentrated his gaze solely on her and
felt his eyes slowly soften. There was no way to describe the sensations
that clasped his heart by being in her presence after so long. It had
been such a shock to see her again. To smell her light perfume, feel her
soft gaze warm his hardened heart...
Why Rina? Why did you go? We could've been so
good...
No, he could
never forgive her for leaving, but nothing could stop him from adoring her.
Wanting her.
Loving her.
He'll spend
the rest of his life loving her from afar.
"Are you
sure you're ready to tell us Nick?" Brian stared at him, concern evident
on his face, "you don't have to..."
"Yes I
do," he replied, putting his frame of mind back to what he'd been dreading
since Brian had found him, "I need peace...and I won't find it if I keep
this all inside..."
"Just
take your time Nicky," Katarina murmured ever so
softly.
The first
words she'd directed to him since they'd laid eyes on each other today...
And they were
exactly what he needed to hear.
He took a deep
breath and began to tell his tale...
***
