Chapter 89:

Pain and Anguish

Through a haze of pain, Brian strained to make sense of the noise coming from outside his room. Weakly struggling upright in bed, he heard his name being called out, accompanied by vigorous kicks and thumps on the door.

"Brian! Brian! Open this door. Right now."

Glaring at the closed door, Brian wearily laid back down. The guys. The last thing he wanted or needed was to be seen like this, curled up and in pain. As a vicious reminder, a wave of heat streaked up his back, causing him to gasp from its sharp intensity.

"Go away," he managed to shout and the effort doubled his agony. He leaned over the side of the bed, panting, the small droplets of sweat stinging and blurring his vision.

"Brian, dammit, open up!"

He could hear their insistent pounding and immediately thought of Xavier, knowing that any moment the bodyguard could discover all four outside his door. Panic caused him to crawl off the bed; scared to answer the door, scared not to.

"Please, just go away."

"Brian, if you don't open this door right now, I'm gonna kick it in!"

Brian heard Kevin's angry yell and closed his eyes his frustration, knowing that his cousin would make good on his threat. Biting back the pain, Brian shuffled over to the door, giving a quick swipe to his sweat-soaked forehead before reaching out to flip the latch.

Keeping his head down, Brian wrapped his arms around his waist as Kevin, Howie, AJ and Nick quietly filed in, feeling their prying eyes as they passed by him. With a quick click he locked the door, brusquely brushed by all four and reached for the remote control, thumbing it on.

The TV cast an eerie blue glow to the room and the guys watched as Brian settled against the bed's headboard, staring stonily at the screen, ignoring them all.

"Brian..." began Nick, only to be cut off by TV's sudden rise in volume.

"Brian, come on…" and was once again drowned out.

The blue cast suddenly faded and Nick turned to see Kevin holding the severed black cable in his hand. Brian threw the remote to the ground, finally dragging his vision up to see four sets of eyes trained intently on him.

"Well, if it isn't one big happy family." He finished his jeer with a gasp as a spasm of pain caught him off guard.

"Brian!"

"Just go, please." He felt his hands beginning to shake and grabbed a pillow, hugging it to his chest and buried his face in it. He didn't want them here. Why couldn't they see that? If they would just leave him alone…his bitterness was fueled by the pain that was now a constant throb, pounding away relentlessly.

"Brian, Nick heard you moaning," explained Howie softly. "You're in pain."

The absurdity of Howie's statement hit Brian full force, his composure crumbling away as he yanked the pillow away from his face, his blue eyes flaring in anger.

"Really?" he mocked. "Ya think so?" His voice raised a notch higher as he struggled off the bed. He stumbled for a second, caught himself, shaking off AJ's quick hand. He glared at Howie, then the others. "What makes you think I'm in pain?" he asked snidely, not waiting for a reply. "And if I am, so what?" Not caring to mask the pain anymore, Brian winced visibly, rubbing a trembling hand across his brow. "It's not like any of you care," he whispered dejectedly, turning away from the four. A rush of vertigo hit Brian and he swayed unsteadily, feeling strong arms grabbing him before he collapsed. "Not that you care," he repeated over in an anguished moan, his agony evident.

Trying to be as gentle as possible, the guys physically carried him over to the bed, but it made no difference as Brian writhed in pain, shaking in such deep earnest that it sent Nick into a panic.

"Kevin! Do you have the pain pills? Good. Give them to me!"

Nick caught the container one-handed, barking at AJ to find some water as he flipped the top off. He shook two out into his palm, having them almost knocked away when he felt the tight grip of Brian's hand upon his wrist.

"Where did you get those?" Brian hissed, his eyes bright with pain. "Where?"

"Kevin. Kevin made Xavier give the bottle to him."

"Give?" Brian curled up in agony, his voice incredulous.

Nick reached for the glass of water AJ had presented. "Long story, it doesn't matter. Here, take this." Nick shoved the pills into Brian's hand, bringing the glass up to his lips. With a quick slap, the pills and water went flying and Nick looked at Brian in shock.

"No. No pills."

"Brian, man, take it! You gotta. You'll feel better."

"No!" came Brian's sharp reply, turning his head away. "You don't understand. They're worse than the pain."

Concerned, Howie grabbed the bottle away from Nick's grasp to examine the label. "Brian, why are they worse? What happens when you take them?"

"They make me sick, nauseous. I get weird thoughts," Brian moaned, his voice muffled as he buried his face into the mattress.

Howie glanced at AJ and Kevin, then walked over to the bed and crouched down to get eye level. "Brian. Brian!" He caught Brian's hand and forced him to look. "I think you're having a bad reaction. To these pills. They're hurting more than they're helping you." Still crouched, Howie twisted his head to look at AJ.

"Bone, you have some painkillers, don't you? From the oral surgeon?" he reminded, seeing AJ's confused face.

AJ snapped his fingers and pointed at Howie, remembering his dental surgery. "Yeah. I’ve got 'em. I think it's codeine."

Kevin slapped AJ on the shoulder, tilting his head towards the door. "Let's go get 'em."

Howie watched as Kevin and AJ left then turned and frowned a little when he saw Brian's face bathed in sweat. "Brian, are you allergic to codeine?"

Brian shook his head. " I don't know. I don't think so," he gasped. He rolled onto his back, panting lightly. Nick hovered over him, troubled, throwing Howie a troubled look.

"What if Brian is allergic to codeine? What do we do then? He needs to go to the hospital, now."

"NO!"

Howie and Nick nearly jumped out of their skin as Brian sat up, his eyes wide with fear. "No. No hospital. I'll be okay."

"But Brian, please…" pleaded Nick, before being cut off by a vicious glare.

"Nick, no! I’m not going. I've only got two more days, two more days before…" Brian's voice faded when he saw Kevin and AJ returning and reached out with an impatient hand to grab the pills AJ offered. He swallowed them whole, too much in a rush to wait for something to wash it down. Still trembling, Brian drooped back on the bed, Nick trying the best he could to cover him with a blanket.

In the soft glow of the only lamp lit, all four Backstreet Boys watched Brian in uneasy silence, occasionally glancing nervously at each other as they waited for the pain medication to kick in. Nick sat on the edge of the bed, his face almost as flushed as Brian's. He bit his lip in dismay as he saw Brian silently claw the bed, the sheets clutched tightly in his fingers as another spasm of pain took over. It seemed to take forever but Nick finally noticed Brian's breathing becoming less ragged, his body straightening into a more peaceful position. Nick turned to the guys, his face hopeful, and saw the same optimistic expression on theirs.

AJ nodded in relief, finding himself slightly weak in the knees. Sitting in the nearest chair, he laced his fingers together and propped his chin on the top of his hands, trying to regain some of his composure. He glanced at Kevin, who was still standing in the same position as when they had returned with the pills.

His dark brows knitted in worry, his hand covering his mouth, Kevin watched his cousin like a hawk, ready for even the littlest sign that he would react badly to the drug. Finally convinced that Brian was going to be okay, he relaxed and sighed heavily, giving AJ and Howie a weak smile.

Howie smiled back then hefted the container of painkillers that had caused Brian so much misery. With a couple of strides he was in the bathroom, flushing the contents of the bottle down the toilet. He returned a moment later, seeing Kevin nod in agreement to his decision. Walking over to where Brian lay face down on the bed, Howie glanced at Nick.

"How's he doing?"

"Better."

Nick peered at Brian and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Brian? You're feeling better, right?" He leaned in for a closer look. Brian's eyes were still shut tight but the taut lines around his face had relaxed somewhat.

"Brian?"

Eyes fluttering open, Brian studied Nick's anxious face a moment. "I'm all right," he finally replied, hearing the collective sighs of relief around the room. Shifting his position, he managed to weakly sit upright on the bed, embarrassed by the situation, self-conscious that they had witnessed the whole thing but relieved that the pain had subsided. Afraid that Xavier might pop up at any moment and discover them here, Brian began to twist the bed sheets nervously.

"Uh, I'd appreciate it if ya’ll would leave now."

AJ rose from his seat. "Huh? What are you talking about? We're not going anywhere, Rok. We're staying right here."

Brian frowned at him, agitation beginning to show as he apprehensively glanced at the door. "You can't. What if Xavier finds you here?"

"He won't. I took care of that."

Not comprehending, Brian began to panic. "What do you mean, you took care of that?! I told you to leave me alone! Why can't you all just leave me alone? Why?"

AJ shook his head. "Cause now we know. We understand what's been happening to you…"

Brian cut AJ off with an explosive slash of his hand. "No, you don't! You haven't a clue, any of you!" His face flushed in distress, Brian struggled with some difficulty to rise from his bed. "How could you possibly know the hell I've been through? Huh? You'll never understand. Never! He swung his glare to encompass all four. "And it was all for you! You!" he spat, his eyes glittering darkly.

Brian knew he was losing control but couldn't help it. "Oh no, you were too busy enjoying making my life miserable to notice what was really going on!" He saw the flash of pain in AJ's face but continued on, his agony, worry and frustration spilling over with a vengeance. "Do have any idea how hard it was for me seeing your disgust, feeling your hatred?" He walked up to Nick, the hurt in his eyes evident as his voice began to tremble in anger. "Well, do you?" Nick hung his head, unable to reply. Brian swung his gaze to Kevin. "Well?"

Brian's voiced faltered, his sadness evident, his anger dissolving when he saw their ashamed looks. "Trying to keep everyone safe, doing whatever Xavier wanted, hoping, praying, that somehow it was all just a nightmare." His blue eyes reflected the misery that Nick, AJ, Howie, and Kevin felt. "Only it's not a nightmare, is it? It's real. And it's not over."

Brian looked at the four before him, his shoulders slumped dejectedly, his despair unmistakable. With a sudden rush, Brian was caught into a firm hug, Howie wrapping his arms around him, pulling him tight. Howie's body began to tremble and with a start Brian realized that Howie was crying and crying hard.

"I'm sorry Brian, I am so sorry," he mumbled through his sobs, clinging fiercely. "I should have known, I should have seen!" he choked, his voice hoarse with grief as he apologized over and over again.

Startled by Howie's heartbreaking outburst, Brian felt himself splintering into a million little pieces. No longer able to contain himself, he broke down with an anguished cry of his own and sagged to his knees, rocking desolately back and forth. Not aware of the caring hands that reached out to console him, Brian covered his face and shed hot tears, releasing all the suppressed fear and agony he had kept in for so long.

It took a while, just when Brian thought he couldn't cry another tear, another wave overtook him and he wearily rode it out. Totally exhausted, he finally relaxed into hold of the sympathetic arms that still supported him, glancing up to see the guys kneeling around him, their faces filled with concern.

"I'm okay," he said softly, suddenly embarrassed and uncomfortable. He twisted out of the hold and scooted back on the floor to recline his back against the edge of the bed, his head bent down. Nick came over and waved a box of tissues under his nose and Brian reached out to snag one. Still holding the box, Nick shook it until Brian took another tissue. Shaking the box once more, Brian gazed up to see Nick smiling at him, urging him to take some more. With a sigh, Brian grabbed a handful.

"That bad, huh?" Brian asked, wiping his eyes and nose.

Nick flopped down next to him, stretching his long legs out. "Well, you certainly aren't gonna win any beauty contests."

Brian gave a little laugh and shook his head. "Neither are you," he retorted, noticing Nick wiping his eyes. He turned to look at Howie and Kevin, then reached over to grab the box out of Nick's grasp. "You okay?" he asked both, reaching out to offer the box.

"Fine, never been better," quipped Howie as he accepted the tissue.

"Yeah, let's never do this again, okay?" replied Kevin gruffly, yanking a few out of the box.

"Bone?" Holding out the tissue box questioningly, Brian eyed him carefully, noticing how quiet he was.

AJ stood there for a moment, his arms crossed. "Real men don't cry," he stated bluntly. Seeing their stunned reactions, AJ reached out and grabbed several tissues. "They blubber," he announced proudly, blowing his nose several times.

Kevin, Howie, Nick, and Brian collapsed in laughter, AJ joining in, their laughing just as much a need for release as their crying had been. After a while they managed to calm down and Nick began to hiccup loudly. Unable to stop, he held his breath, his expression so comical that it set all five off again into spasms of amusement.

"Howie, Howie, save me," Nick pleaded and Howie groaned, getting up to go get Nick a drink of water.

"How come every time you start hiccupping, I have to be the one who gets you the water?" he grumbled, handing Nick a glass.

"Because you're the most gullible," Nick stated simply as he down the water quickly. He hiccupped again. "Rats!" He held up his empty glass, giving Howie another pleading look.

Snorting unsympathetically, Howie turned to see Brian struggling to rise and hurried over to help him up. Brian flinched from his touch as Howie gently guided him to the edge of the bed.

"Brian, do you mind?" he indicated with a nod at his shirt. "I'd like to check your injuries."

Brian opened his mouth to object to the request but stopped, seeing only concern and worry in Howie’s eyes. He sighed softly in acquiesce and with a tired hand pulled his shirt over his head. Trying to ignore Howie’s sharp hiss of surprise, Brian closed his eyes as felt his friend lightly touch his chest.

"Xavier did this?"

Brian opened his eyes at the sound of Howie’s anger.

"Yeah. After he found out he wasn’t able to get the money at the bank."

Unable to look anymore at the horrific bruises Howie turned away, his hands on hips as stared pointedly at the ground.

"Son of a bitch," he swore heatedly. "I’m gonna get that bastard."

The tone in his voice made Brian look at his friend in worry. Remembering AJ’s comment a while ago, he turned to him, who along with Kevin, had been examining his upper back.

"Bone, what did you mean when you said 'I took care of that’?"

"Xavier? I had Eric invent some emergency so that X would be gone for the whole night." AJ gave Brian a reassuring look. "There’s not a chance in hell of him returning before tomorrow morning."

Brian heaved a sigh of relief then jumped. "Ow! Hey!"

"Sorry, sorry," apologized Kevin, pulling his hand away. "You have a really nasty bruise on your lower back."

Brian’s fingers crept around to locate the injury. He grimaced a little as he touched it. "There?"

"Yeah."

Brian sighed. "What’s it look like?"

"Like it needs to be checked out, right away."

Stiffening, Brian shook his head. "No, not now."

"Brian…"

Yanking his shirt back on, Brian crawled to the middle of his bed, away from his cousin. Grabbing a pillow, he laid down, cradling the pillow against his chest. "No."

Kevin walked away from the edge of the bed and sat down in the nearest chair, shaking his head exasperatedly as he looked at the guys for help.

AJ took over, coming to hitch his hip on the side of the bed. "B-Rok…," he began but was interrupted.

"How did you know? I mean, when did you know, when did you find out?" questioned Brian, his voice muffled against the pillow, eager to change the subject.

Confused, it took AJ a moment or two before he understood what Brian was asking. "On the airplane. I saw the way Xavier brought his hands down upon your shoulders at the airport. And then I remembered him doing it other times and the faces you made when he did it. Oh, and the money in the bag was also a big tip off."

Brian shoved the pillow down to get a better look at AJ. "You saw the money?" he asked in disbelief. "When?"

"Just after the candy. I probably would of put two and two together sooner, but the Ecstasy really screwed me up."

Brian’s blue eyes lowered in shame, recalling the incident. "Yeah. Sorry about that."

AJ’s mouth nearly dropped open in surprise. "Sorry? Brian, X was the asshole. He was the one who did it, not you! There was nothing you could do!"

Brian turned his head away and AJ frowned. "Bri?" AJ reached over to touch his shoulder. "Brian? You’re not blaming yourself for all this, are you?"

Brian snapped his head back around and AJ was shocked to see the bitterness in his eyes.

"Who else is there to blame? Huh? There were a lot of things I could have done different but I was just too gutless," he spat out.

Nick came over to sit next to AJ. "What could you have done different, Frick? Nothing. Nothing!"

Brian leaned up on one elbow. "I could have killed him! I had the chance, I had the chance to stab him, but I didn’t!"

Nick stared Brian, remembering. "The switchblade?"

Nodding miserably, Brian slumped back down. "Yeah."

"I found you outside my door, asleep on the floor. I thought you were waiting to hurt me." Nick’s voice lowered in embarrassment.

Brian rubbed his eyes tiredly. "No. I was scared Xavier was going to hurt you. Every time I did something that made him mad he would take it out on you guys." Brian’s voice matched Nick’s in discomfort. "I never knew what would set him off. It was all a mind game, his will against mine. And then Xavier would change everything, everything, and it would start all over, a new game, something different to keep him amused."

"And you were the pawn," breathed Howie, glancing over to see Kevin’s pained expression.

"Yeah," admitted Brian, exhaling heavily. He turned with pleading eyes to the four. "I tried to play his games, to do what he wanted me to do. He threatened that he would harm everyone I knew if I didn’t play along." Brian’s face showed his disgust. "And we all know how well I did, don’t we?"

"My house," said Howie.

"My dog, AJ’s rope breaking, the car accident," recited Kevin.

Brian could feel the tears beginning to well up again. "Yes," he choked.

Nick leaned near Brian, reaching out with a tentative hand to touch Brian’s shaking shoulders. "Frick…" he started and saw his friend recoil quickly at his concerned touch. With a sharp intake of breath, Nick looked over at AJ, both their faces troubled.

"There’s something else," Nick asked quietly, "isn’t there."

"No."

"Brian, we talked to Sarah. Remember her? The barmaid? She told us what you had said about Xavier and you."

Brian remained silent.

Nick threw AJ a look. AJ rubbed a nervous hand through his hair, glancing at Nick’s tense face then back at Brian’s too still form. "Brian, has…has.." AJ bit his lip, not sure how to phrase it, "…has Xavier hurt you in um, other ways?" He cringed at his lack of nerve in coming outright and asking if X had sexually abused him.

Nick could feel the tension build as they watched and waited for Brian’s answer.

"No, not really," came Brian’s vague and soft reply.

"Not really," repeated Kevin, confused. "What’s not really?"

Brian lowered his eyes. "He’s kissed me. He’s touched me intentionally to make me feel uncomfortable. He said he wants me, has threatened me, but hasn’t done anything about it…yet."

Kevin had to turn away, the bile rising in his throat. He felt his hands clenching in anger, a wild desire bursting forth to smash everything in sight. The idea that his cousin had borne all this mental and physical torment along with the sexual advances of that insane bodyguard made him want to scream in rage.

He turned back to face his cousin, his eyes narrowed in fury, determination in his voice. "As soon as I see that asshole, I'm gonna…"

'Do nothing!" Brian said fiercely, struggling off the bed to come over to face him. "Nothing, Kevin. Everything is going to stay the same, do you hear me? If Xavier so much as suspects you guys know…" Brian trailed off, shuddering inwardly at the thought of it. "Promise me you won't do anything." Brian's pleading look encompassed all of them. "Promise me."

Nick turned away while Howie shifted in discomfort, silent. Mouth wide open in disbelief, Brian turned to stare at Kevin and AJ, the look of pure vengeance burning in both their eyes.

"No, "said Brian desperately, "no, I'm not going to let you!" He reached over to grab Nick's shoulder, yanking him harshly around. "Nick, Xavier will be gone soon. All he wants is his money! You know that." Brian swung his attention to the others. "You all do!" Fear made Brian beg when he saw their skepticism, their doubt. "Please, please don't do anything," he asked, his voice cracking with emotion. "He'll be gone soon, I swear! Please, for me," he finished softly, exhausted beyond belief as he slumped into a chair.

Troubled by Brian's weariness and state of mind, Nick looked at the other three for confirmation and saw them agree. "Okay, Bri, we won't do anything….for now." Nick nodded as he saw his friend's face change at the forewarning. "We'll wait. But not for long."

Brian's hopes soared and he nodded, slightly giddy with relief. "Thanks. Xavier came back only for the money. Once I finish the concert and we head up to Phoenix…"

"Wait, whoa, just a minute," broke in AJ. "Concert? What concert? You're not going on tomorrow." AJ shook his head at Brian's determined look. "Nope, no way, Rok." AJ looked for support. "Kevin?"

"AJ's right, Brian. Look at yourself. You can barely sit upright. There's no way you'll be able to endure a two hour concert."

"I'm going on."

Howie sighed in frustration. "Brian, we can handle it ourselves. It's not like we haven't sung with just four before." He looked at Kevin. "Right?"

Kevin nodded. "Absolutely. We can do it. You need to rest, get better."

"I can still sing," Brian argued, "I'll be fine." He rested one elbow on the arm of the chair, his eyes half-closed.

Kevin rubbed the back of his neck, sighing inwardly at his cousin's stubbornness, wanting to argue the point but realizing it would not get them anywhere right now. "Okay, how about this. If by tomorrow night you feel better, a lot better, you can do the concert." Watching Brian's eyelids fully close, he shook his head at AJ's, Nick's, and Howie's glare, letting them know he was lying about his promise.

"Okay," mumbled Brian. "Tomorrow."

With a flick of his hand, Kevin indicated for the others to help him get Brian over to the bed. It took but just a moment to get him comfortably situated, the half-asleep singer offering no resistance. Kevin studied his cousin's quiet form for a moment then turned to the others who were also watching Brian closely.

"This isn't good," he whispered. "He isn't good. From now on, I don't want Xavier alone with him for even a second, okay? I want Brian watched." Kevin grimaced at Brian's bruised and battered body. "Xavier is never touching him again, ever," he vowed.

Nick agreed, his mouth tightening into a thin line, remembering how quickly that creepy little stagehand had been able to fulfill his request.

"Don't worry," he said quietly. "I'll make sure he won't."

***

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