Chapter 11:
Something
Beautiful Remains
(Brian's POV)
“It’s not
funny Brian!” He shot me an uneasy glare as I approached the bed.
“What
happened?”
“I tried to do
it, and it didn’t work out.”
“Do what?”
I asked, curiously.
“I tried to
have sex, and it just didn’t work out.” He cried, covering his eyes so I
wouldn’t see his very apparant pain.
“I’m sorry,
Nick.” I said, walking closer to the bed.
“I mean, look
at me,” he replied, pulling the light blue comforter back to revel his naked
body. I turned away. “I can’t even stay hard!” He yelled in frustration.
“Nick, it’s
gonna be fine, okay? Don‘t cry.”
“I’m gonna
just rip my fucking dick off!” He screamed, both hands grabbing at himself.
I was scared.
What if he actually did do something like that? He wouldn’t be in pain, but
that’s besides the point. “Calm down, Nick. Just breathe, okay? You’re gonna be
perfectly fine.”
“I can’t live
like this. I just can’t. I can’t feel anything to the part of my body that I
used to favor... The best part of me! What am I supposed to do when this happens,
Brian? I can’t feel anything, and I can’t stay up very long...” His face
was growing redder with each angry word he spoke; sweat soaking his blonde
hair; tears streaming down his face. It hurt me to see him this way.
“There are
better parts to you than that,” I replied pointing and taking a seat in
a chair beside the bed.
“That’s
besides the point,” he wept.
“You’ve still
got an amazing voice - isn’t that your best feature?”
“I don’t even
think I wanna sing anymore, Brian,” he turned to look at me, awaiting a shocked
reply. "I'm through with it."
“You do
wanna sing, you’re just scared,” I coaxed.
“No. I can’t
ever see myself on stage again. I loved the energy up there, but not like this.
I liked moving from one end of the stage to the other, getting the girls to
scream my name. Pelvic thrusts, all that provocative crap I loved doing - I
can’t do it anymore, and I can’t see myself on stage without it.”
“You’re more
than just a pelvic thrust, Nick. Those girls that screamed your name - they
love your voice, they love your energy. They won’t care if you have to be in a
wheelchair, because to them, you’re still a Backstreet Boy. You’re still the
blonde one, the cute one, the funny one. You’re still you.”
“It’s not the
same. Now I‘m the Wheelchair boy...”
“You can still
be happy even if you can’t hump the floor, okay? Being on stage always made you
happy, why wouldn’t it now?”
“I never
humped the floor, that was AJ, and anyway, did you have to bring up humping?”
he hissed.
I smiled, “You
know what I mean.”
“People don’t
wanna see me on stage like this. They wanna see the old me, and I can’t give
them that.”
“Physically
you’re not the same, but mentally you are. And vocally you’re still yourself;
you’re still an important part of the group. We can’t do anything if you won’t
come back to us.”
“It’s not just
performing,” he whined. “There are so many things I hate about my life. I can’t
be active like I was; I can’t be left alone without fearing I’ll fall; I can’t
even walk my dogs, Brian. I can’t get laid; I can’t put away my dishes; I can’t
vacuum the carpet; I can’t do so many things...”
“But think of
all the things you can do. And you're alive, Nick. You could’ve died
that day, but instead God saved you,” I began.
“No, God screwed
me that day. I’d rather die than live like this. I’m not happy at all.”
“If I were
given the chance, I’d take this situation just to see you happy,” I told him
honestly.
“Brian,
just...”
“Would that
make you happy?”
“No.”
“If it were me
instead of you, would you be happy then?”
“No.”
“What would
make you happy then, Nick?”
“To walk! To
screw! I wanna be me again, okay? I wanna be me. Nothing more, nothing
less. I just wanna be the way I was.”
I smiled, “How
about a banana split? Would that make you happy?”
“Brian! I’m
trying to be serious!”
“I just wanna
see you smile. I haven’t seen it in so long, I’d forgotten whether you have
teeth or not.”
His mouth
curved slowly into a smile. “Brian, stop. I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
“I smiled,
okay?”
“All right,
continue where you were.”
He sighed
heavily, “Do you think I’ll ever enjoy sex?”
Blunt
questions... “I don’t know. Probably eventually.”
“It’s a scary
feeling. Not being able to feel your body... Touching my leg is like touching a
table. I don’t like it at all, Brian...”
I ignored his
comments, “Do you wanna sing again?”
He sighed
heavily, finally pulling the comforter over his nakedness. “I do...but then I
don’t. I wanna sing again, but I don’t wanna be on stage. Does that make
sense?”
“Yes,” I
nodded. “It makes perfect sense.”
“It’d be hard
for me to tour anyway. I’d have to have a nurse with me full time.”
“What if I
took care of you?”
“It’s a big
responsibility, a burden actually.”
“No, it’d be
fine. I‘d help you get dressed, bathe, all that stuff.”
“You wouldn’t
wanna do it after the first day,” he laughed.
“C’mon, it
can’t be that bad!”
“It is though.
There‘s some down right nasty stuff that goes on.”
I smiled to
him, “Are you all right now?”
“I’m better.”
“At least you
didn’t rip anything off.” I laughed lightly.
“I probably
would’ve if you weren’t here.”
“Don’t say
that.”
“I’m sorry I
called you and bothered you,” he sniffled, wiping his eyes.
“You didn’t
bother me.”
“You were
probably busy, and I made you come over here.”
“Just look at
what I prevented. Your appendage is still attached, right?”
He laughed,
“For now. Just until something else goes wrong.”
I smiled,
“Don’t worry about the sex thing, okay? Just because it didn’t work out this
time doesn’t mean it won’t eventually.”
“I’ll never
feel it though, so what’s the point?”
“Well, maybe
you’ll eventually enjoy it.”
“I like being
touched, because I can watch it. But when she was on top of me, I couldn’t see
anything, and I can’t really feel anything, so it was just like nothing was
happening.”
“Did you, uh,
you know...?”
“I didn’t let
her do very much before I started bawling like a baby.”
“How do you
know you wouldn’t enjoy it if you had?”
“I don’t
know.”
“You’d be able
to feel an orgasm, right?”
“I guess so.”
Hmmm...he had other
options... “What about oral sex?”
“What about
it?”
“Well, you
said you can feel a little something, right?”
He nodded,
“Yeah, just a little.”
“You don’t
think that’d be better for you?”
“Brian, I
don’t know...okay?”
“I’m just
making conversation, all right? Don’t get snippy.” I watched as his eyes closed
tightly together, and he used his hands to cover them up. He was crying again.
“Oh, Nick, don’t cry. It’s all right...” I inched closer and ran my hands
through his soft blonde hair. He’d had himself so worked up, he was sweating
profusely. “Calm down, okay? You’re fine, everything’s all right.”
His cries
rocked his body as inaudible words followed.
“Don’t cry.”
He quickly
wiped his eyes and looked at me, “Will you stay here tonight? I don’t wanna be
alone.”
“I’m not gonna
leave you here all by yourself. You should know better than that.”
“I mean, not
just until Harmony gets back. Just stay the night here. Please, Brian.” His
soft blue eyes studied my face, patiently awaiting an answer.
It broke my
heart to see him like this. Crying, naked, sweating, pleading. I felt so bad
for him, there was no way I could say no. “I’m not gonna leave you. Don’t
worry.”
He reached his
hand out for mine, grabbing it tightly. “Thank you.”
“Just try to
go to sleep,” I replied, getting up from the chair to leave.
“Do-don’t
leave the room, please? Just stay in here and talk to me until I fall asleep.”
I turned back
around and looked at him. He was still naked. I’d have to help him dress. “You
wanna put something on?”
“You know I
can’t dress myself, and I know you don’t wanna help me, so, I’ll just wait
until Harmony comes back.”
“It’s all
right, Nick. I’ll help you.”
“Okay,” he
replied, wiping his eyes again.
“So, uh...what
do I do?”
“Uh, well,
just uh,” he paused, “pick up my underwear off the floor first,” he blushed. I
grabbed them and set them on the bed. “Okay, um...you’ll have to help me get
up.” I did as best I could, trying to hold him up. He used his arms to hold
himself up, balancing his weight with his upper body strength. “I can hold
myself up like this for a while, so, you can put my underwear on now.” How
weird did that sound?
I grabbed for
the article, holding it with the front facing me. I grabbed one of his legs and
slowly inserted it into the proper leg hole; the next leg followed. His boxers
were around his ankles. I grabbed the waist band, and pulled them up his body.
“Anything else you wear to bed?”
“No, this is
all right.”
I held him up,
and maneuvered him back into bed. It was a tough job, I haven’t a clue how
Harmony did it.
“Thanks, Bri.”
“It’s no
problem.”
“You wanna lie
down? I know it’s late and everything, and I feel bad calling you at home and
all.”
“It’s no big
deal.”
“You can sleep
here if you want, or you can wait until I fall asleep and you can relocate into
the guest bedroom. You will stay in here with me, right?”
“Yeah.” I
said, approaching the bed and lying down. It kind of brought back memories from
years ago when Nick and I had shared a bed in what seemed like nearly every
hotel room in the world. When he was really young, I used to have to run my
hand through his hair repeatedly to get him to stop crying and go to sleep. He
always got homesick. I turned off the light, and began to run my fingers
slightly through his damp hair.
“Brian?” he
quietly asked.
“Hmmm?”
“Thanks for
being here for me, I appreciate it. It’s nice to have someone to talk to.”
I smiled. He’d
finally opened up to me, and I was happy.
***
