Chapter
3:
Feeling
Nothing
The look on
Brian’s face made me realize he didn’t have clue what I was going through. I
couldn’t expect him to. He would never have any idea. A part of me was missing -
the part of me that could get up and actually walk. The part of me that could
feel the lower half of his body. The same part that used to take these simple
tasks for granted. A few hours ago I wouldn’t have understood either, so I
couldn‘t blame him.
And to make
matters worse, the doctor didn’t thoroughly explain shit! He just came in,
generalized the situation, and then got an urgent call he had to tend to. He
left me there - alone, crying, wondering why the hell I was being
forced to live like this. But even without anyone telling me, I knew if I was
paralyzed from the waist down this meant I could feel nothing beyond that
point. That’s right...nothing. I could touch my legs, and I’d feel
nothing... I could touch any other area below my waist, and feel... that’s
right - nothing. This was also going to be tough, because this meant I would no
longer be able to get an erection. If I couldn’t feel an intimate touch, then
it was useless... Having kids someday was going to be hell as well... Problems,
problems.
I didn’t even
want to think of performing. No more dancing - not that I really ever liked it
that much anyway. But, that’s besides the point. Now I'd really like to be able
to dance - and I can’t! I can’t even walk! I’m going to be wheelchair
bound! I’m going to be in a flippin’ wheelchair!
Brian
interrupted my thoughts, “Nick, I just want you to know that I’m here for you,
okay?”
I sighed,
“Thanks.” I needed more than just someone to be there. I needed a miracle. God,
I just needed a miracle.
“Have the
doctors said much to you?” He asked, seeminging
trying to make conversation.
I didn’t wanna
talk. I didn’t. I just wanted to sit there and try to comprehend all this,
maybe cry for a few more hours relentlessly until I passed out or something...
No matter what, I really didn’t wanna talk about it. We had forever for that.
Talking about it only made it more...real. “No, he didn’t say much. He
just...” I sighed again. “The bastard came in and told me that I’m immobile
from the waist down, and that he’d be back later to discuss rehab and
everything...”
“That’s all
he told you?” Brian asked, a shocked expression playing on his face.
Gee, you’d
think I was on trial or something. “Yes! To paraphrase, that’s all he said to
me.” I felt a headache coming on. Too much crying, not enough understanding.
How was I
going to live this way? My life is performing, traveling... This business was
not made for someone in my situation. Hell, I wasn’t even made to handle
my situation. I felt tears sliding down my cheeks again. Unstoppable they were.
I sniffled loudly, and looked over to Brian. Attempting to change the subject,
I tried to smile, “So, how’s your day been going?”
He looked at
me, staring blankly. His eyes never leaving mine. My smile must've faltered. He
looked like he pitied me. But then again I must've looked rather pitiful.
The wreck
replayed in my mind again...I closed my eyes, my bottom lip beginning to quiver
uncontrollably. I didn’t want to relive these redefining moments repeatedly.
The crash was over, my life was over...I just wanted to die. Fall over
right there and die. What was God punishing me for? I’d been a good person,
right? I helped people when they were in need. I care about the environment - I
recycle. I never killed anyone, or committed a horrible crime. Why did I
deserve this punishment?
How can
someone not be angry with God when something like this happens? What makes my
life less meaningful than someone else's where He would choose to hurt
me, wound me, ruin me? It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I
was supposed to be on top of the world forever. My life was all mapped out
perfectly...my life was good. And now? Even fate wasn't this cruel. God must've
been laughing at me right now. Thinking how pathetic I had ended up after his
joke. What a jokester...Ha. Too bad God's not very good at it.
With my eyes
still closed, I felt Brian hand brush through my hair. “Nick, I think maybe you
should try to get some sleep.”
Sleep wasn’t
such a bad idea. At least if I were sleeping, I could dream I was
walking, dancing, living before this... I nodded, eyes still closed; tears
escaping them.
He ran his
hand through my hair one final time, giving me a hug before he left.
***
