Chapter 25:

When the Bough Breaks

Progress was made slowly for Kevin and Nick. The work was not easy. Kevin was not the complaining type, especially when it came to hard work, but Brian could see how difficult it was for him. A.J. spent a lot of time with him, laughing and joking, determined to keep his spirits up. It worked well. Kevin maintained a very positive attitude, one that the others admired and looked up to. After all, Kevin was their unofficial leader. He had made friends with all of the physical therapists, his easygoing nature and determination to make a full recovery as quickly as possible made him one of their favorite patients.

Then there was Nick. His earlier enthusiasm quickly gave way to frustration. He almost seemed to resent Kevin’s progress. He constantly let his aggravation get the better of him. It was confusing for the others, because Nick had always tried as hard or harder than all of them in anything that they did. No one could explain why he was acting the way he was. Brian tried relentlessly to help him and be there for him, but Nick just as relentlessly pushed him away. Kevin could feel it all coming to a head, and was worried that it wasn’t going to be pretty. He was right.

Nick was working with his PT in a large gym-size area on getting the full use out of his new kneecap. His range of motion was not nearly what it had been before, and achieving his prior abilities had been something they had stressed hard with him. On this particular day, he was already frustrated from an earlier session that worked his memory, although he had settled down and seemed more determined than usual to get the most out of his therapy. Kevin was off in another corner doing some exercises, and Brian, Howie, and A.J. were relaxing across from Nick. They were singing quietly, trying not to let the others hear. They all knew it was important to keep singing as much as possible, but the three of them hesitated to do it much in front of Nick and Kevin, until they were comfortable enough to sing with them.

“Tell me why I can’t be there where you are…” they chanted softly, the notes floating through the room. Anyone who passed by stopped to listen.

Nick was vaguely aware of what they were doing, but paid them little attention. He was concentrating too hard.

“You were missing in my heart. Show me the meaning of being lonely,”

Brian was feeling the music. His voice was starting to sound like his own again, and he let himself go. He launched into the note, completely forgetting himself.

“Being lonely,” he crooned, his voice full of feeling. Nick was startled to hear Brian singing one of his leads, and lost all concentration. He lost his balance with his particular exercise, and landed hard on his knee.

“Shit!” he shouted. Stunned silence greeted his outburst. Brian clamored to his feet and made a beeline for him. His foot cast was gone, and without the impediment he closed the distance quickly. By the time he reached him Nick was already struggling to his feet, swearing mightily.

“God damn it!”

“Are you all right?” Brian asked breathlessly. Nick jerked his head towards him, eyes burning with anger. “No I am not all right!” he shouted. “What kind of a stupid ass question is that? I am not all right! Look at me! I can hardly walk! My memory is fucked, and I may never be able to get back to the way I used to be! Does that sound like fine to you?”

Brian was shocked, not so much at Nick’s sudden outburst, but at the hatred that he exuded, aimed directly at him. A.J. and Howie gaped at him open-mouthed. Kevin immediately sought the help of his PT to take him over to his band mates.

“Nick, take it easy,” Brian said softly, trying to conceal his panic. “I had no idea you were this upset. We’re all in this together, remember? I’m here to help you. So are they. Just talk to us. Talk to me.” His eyes were pleading. The friendship he had with Nick was one of the most precious things in his life, and he could sense that it was slipping away from him. He searched Nick’s eyes for any sign of the old Nick, his best friend.

Nick could feel Brian’s blue eyes bore through his own, slipping past his defenses and into his very soul. It enraged him. Hot tears stung his eyes as his anger raged unchecked.

“Talk to you?” he cried shrilly. “Talk to you? How about I tell you something.” His voice became low and dangerous, and Brian actually took a step back. “I have never hurt this much before. I hurt in more ways than I thought possible. And I can’t make it stop no matter what I do. And do you know what Brian? It is all your fault. Do you hear me? Yours. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be like this. It is all your fucking fault!”

Brian recoiled backwards as if he’d been slapped. He had never expected this. Not this. Anything but this. Despair, betrayal, hurt, anger, and fear swelled out of control, ripping mercilessly through his weakened body. The stress was so great, that he went completely numb.

Nick’s sides were heaving from his outburst, and his face was red and streaked with tears. He tried to blind himself to the torrent of anguish that gauged out an empty void in Brian’s eyes that had only moments ago been filled with concern, for him. He hated himself, but he couldn’t stop, and he couldn’t take it back. Silence reigned when Nick’s onslaught stopped, and everyone waited for either the apology, or for Brian to lose control. They got neither. The damage had been done.

Brian maintained his steady gaze for what seemed like an eternity, focusing only on bringing air in and out of his lungs. That simple act took all of his concentration. All of the sudden, he whirled around and began to walk away.

“Brian!” A.J. called, reaching out his hand to try and grab him by his good arm. Brian shrugged him off, hard, staring straight ahead. “Brian, stop,” he called desperately, but Brian ignored him.

Kevin reached them and went for directly for Nick, taking his arm and whirling him around.

“What the hell was that?” he yelled furiously. “What the hell were you thinking?” He whipped his head in A.J. and Howie’s direction. “Someone go get him, damnit!” It was unnecessary. Howie was already off.

“I’m gonna kill him,” A.J. seethed. “I’m gonna fucking kill him.”

Nick sat down heavily in the middle of the floor in a heap as his legs gave out underneath him, hot tears pouring down his face. His anger hadn’t yet abated, but was beginning to realize the true nature of what he had just done.

“Why did you say that Nick?” A.J. shouted hoarsely. “Why the hell would you do something like that to your best friend?”

Howie rushed up to them, out of breath and red in the face. “He’s gone. He’s fucking gone. He took off running, if you can believe it, when he saw me coming after him.”

“He left?” Kevin said in disbelief. “As in left the building? Left the facility?”

Howie nodded, and then turned his attention to Nick. “I hope you’re satisfied,” he said coldly. “Do you even realize what he’s gone through for you? He almost died over you!” Nick started to open his mouth, but Howie cut him off. “You never had to see him, did you? Well I did, Nick. I did and I have never been so scared in my whole fucking life. When we were lying in the street after it happened, you didn’t hear him screaming for you. You didn’t see him hyperventilate and almost stop breathing because he was so freaked out about you. You didn’t hear the things he said to me and A.J. when they took you off that respirator. He would have given his own life to save you! You don’t find a friend like that everyday. You don’t deserve his friendship. Do you hear me? You don’t deserve it!” Howie did not give him the chance to reply; instead he darted out of the room to begin searching for Brian.

“You’d better explain yourself,” A.J. said, his voice dangerously low.

“You don’t get it, do you?” Nick shouted back, his voice breaking. “I didn’t want to come back. I didn’t want to! I didn’t have to either. I had a choice! But I had to come back to make sure he was ok! I was scared to death of that damn tunnel. All I had to do was turn around and walk away. The only thing waiting for me here was misery. But I had to come back, for him. And now this. Oh, God it hurts so badly. Don’t you see? It’s all his fault. All this because he was fucking crying!” Nick’s voice was swallowed by enormous sobs that shook his body uncontrollably. “I had to help him,” he moaned. “It was because of me. Oh God, it was all because of me. I had to make him stop. I couldn’t stand to see him cry like that, not over me.”

Kevin and A.J. stared at him, stunned.

“Jesus,” A.J. murmured, white as a ghost. “Jesus.”

Tears of sorrow, anger, and sympathy glistened in Kevin’s emerald eyes. He knelt down onto the floor beside him. “Come here,” he whispered hoarsely. He wrapped his arms around Nick, who sobbed shamelessly into his shirt. Kevin’s touch forced him to open up and stop trying to fight off the support they had been trying to give him from the beginning, and now that he had it, he held on to it for dear life. Nick felt as if the world was falling out from underneath him, and Kevin was the only thing that kept him from falling with it. Kevin was startled at his reaction; the vise-like grip that Nick held him with was something he had not expected. He accepted it. Whatever Nick needed to heal, he would give.

“What did I just do,” he choked out. “Oh God Kevin, what did I just do?”

***

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