Chapter 26:
Have a Little Faith in Me
“It’s
gonna be ok, Nicky. It’s all gonna be ok…”
Kevin
looked up at A.J. “We have to find him.”
A.J.
nodded tightly, and headed over to see if Howie had gotten anywhere in figuring
out where he had gone.
“He
couldn’t have gotten far,” Howie said. “Damn it, we can’t even go out after
him. What happens if we’re recognized? We get mobbed and Brian gets further
away.”
A.J.
paced impatiently. “Which direction did he head off in?”
“He
headed right when he got out the door.”
“Did he
look like he knew where he wanted to go?”
“Are
you kidding? Did you see the look on his face?”
A.J.
cursed. The employees of the center couldn’t exactly drop everything and go out
looking for one patient. Two people had left to go look for him, but that was
it.
“We
can’t call the police,” Howie reasoned. “At least not this soon. The publicity
would be unbelievable. The press would have a field day, not to mention half
the girls in the city would be after him, and he is not in a position to be
able to get away.”
“No
shit,” A.J. said, drumming his fingers on a counter top. “So what the hell do we
do?”
“I hate
to say it, but I don’t think that there’s much we can do.”
“We
can’t just do nothing. He could get hurt, Howie. He doesn’t know where he’s
going or what he’s doing!”
“I know
that.” Howie said, exasperated. “Do you have any bright ideas?”
“No,”
A.J. said angrily. “Damn it, I promised him we’d all be there for each other. I
swore none of us would have to do this alone. And now he’s out there, alone.”
“I know
you did,” Howie said quietly. “Let’s just concentrate on getting him back safe,
okay?”
Before
he could answer, Kevin joined them. “Anything?” he asked. They shook their
heads. Kevin clenched his fists and looked to be trying not to cry. The strain
of all that had happened to them could be clearly read on his strong features,
which were slowly starting to crumble. Brian was missing, and Nick had fallen
apart.
“How is
Nick?” Howie asked, somewhat ashamed. A.J. had told him all that had happened
after he had stormed off.
“They
gave him a sedative to knock him out,” Kevin replied, rubbing the bridge of his
nose wearily.
“I just
can’t believe this,” A.J. muttered. “And things were going so well.”
* *
*
At
first, Brian had no idea where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get
out. He had to put as much distance as possible between himself and Nick. The
image of those blazing blue eyes loomed in front of him like a nightmare he
couldn’t wake up from, and he had to escape it. Don’t think, just go.
His thoughts had become such an overwhelming mess that he had just shoved all
of them aside, feeling like they were about to smother him. Nothing made sense
to him anymore, and he had taken as much as he was able to take.
When he
had looked behind him and seen Howie coming after him, unexplainable panic had
taken over, encouraging his feet to move more quickly, until he broke into an
all out run. He hadn’t been able to sustain it long, and he paid for it dearly
when a painful ache invaded his legs, preventing him from catching his breath
and forcing him to take refuge on a nearby bench until the worst of it had
passed. Fortunately, it had been enough. Howie was nowhere to be seen.
Sufficiently
recovered, he took to his feet again, walking as quickly as his weary body
would allow, not caring where he went or who saw him. Before long he wound up
at the entrance to another medical office. They were everywhere; the medical
center was huge. He pushed through the glass doors, unable to quell the heart
that was trying to beat out of his chest. Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think. Just get away from here. Think later, just get
away…
He
found a payphone, and shakily pulled out the phone book underneath, not
trusting himself to be able to call information. Forcing himself to calm down,
he looked up the number for a cab company. After poking around to determine his
location, he drew in a deep breath to steady himself and placed the call. He
didn’t even hang up the phone as he made his way back outside to wait for the
cab.
Where
would he go? Well, right now anywhere was preferable to here. He really didn’t
care. But he had to have something to tell the driver. He just wanted to be
alone. He didn’t know anything about
Now he
had a destination. All at once he froze, for the first time realizing he was
about to venture out into the real world utterly unprotected. What was he
doing? He set his jaw. It didn’t matter. He had to do this. He had to get away.
There was no way he could go back, not with Nick there…. He shuddered. Don’t
think, just get away. It was a
Wednesday after all, not even lunchtime, and it was unlikely there would be
many people there to spot him. His hat and a pair of sunglasses had been on the
counter by the door, and he had grabbed them automatically when he made his
exit from the clinic. Nervously, he reached up and pulled the cap down lower
over his face. He felt for his wallet to be sure he had enough cash to pay the
driver. Satisfied, he waited until the cab showed up. The trembling he felt was
starting to spread, and his need to get away intensified. He was in danger of
losing control completely, and he couldn’t do that. Not yet. Not here. Don’t
think, just get away.
When
the cab arrived, he climbed inside, exhaling with relief. “I need to go to the Riverwalk,” he told the driver.
“Any
particular spot?” the driver asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Somewhere
quiet. The quiet part.”
“King
William district? Nothing on the river there. Just houses.”
“Yeah.
That’s it. I want to go there.”
He
nodded and pulled away from the curb. After they had been driving for a while,
the cabbie glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “You look like you’ve seen
better days,” he said.
“I
have,” Brian replied dully, gazing out the window. Even now, he refused to
allow himself to think. He was afraid where his thoughts might take him. When
the driver let him off, he tossed a $100 at him. “Keep the change,” he muttered
as he slammed the door. He meandered down some steps that took him to the
river. His foot had barely struck the bottom step when the trembling became too
much for him to bear. Awkwardly, he sat down hard on the river’s edge, staring
into the lazy current of the water as it flowed serenely by him. His breathing
was ragged, and he focused on the air coming in and out of his lungs until it
became more regular. He didn’t cry, and that surprised him. The tears weren’t
there. He just felt empty.
Here it
was very quiet, hardly a building in site. Just as the driver had said, there
was nothing but old large restored houses above the river. He reached up and
removed his cap, gazing out across the water. A cool breeze ruffled his hair,
causing him to draw his light jacket closer to him. Somewhere above him a bird
hooted, alighting from its perch and sailing overhead before coming to rest in
a tree that better suited him.
Peace.
For
just a moment, the calamity that had picked all of them up and dumped them
heartlessly into a world they could not control was quiet, and he felt safe.
Protected. It killed him to know it couldn’t last.
Sure
enough, only moments later the realization of all that had just happened hit
him and hit him hard. The tears that only seconds ago had been nonexistent were
finally released from their dam, and they trickled slowly down his cheeks as he
discovered for the first time that he was really and truly alone. There was no
A.J. standing beside him as he had promised, and there was no one to blame for
that but himself.
Before
the tears could get the better of him he stood up and began to walk, not caring
where he was going or how far he went. All that mattered was that the tears
didn’t catch up. Maybe if he went far enough, he could outdistance everything;
the pain, the loneliness, the uncertainty, the fear, Nick…
He took
in a harsh breath as the words Nick had said pelted him in the face over and
over again. What could have possibly gone so wrong? He had seen it coming;
although never in a million years had he expected the explosion he had
received. The dim memory of that night on the bus surfaced briefly, and he
fought back more tears. (Don’t start. If you start, you won’t stop.) It
was little more than a hazy image, one that he could not define or truly
recall, but he knew it was real just the same. The guilt and shame he felt over
it was enough to convince him of that. Could A.J. have been wrong? He had said
that Nick would forgive him, but Nick hadn’t forgiven him at all. How in the
world could he have been responsible for putting his friend through so much
pain? In despair, he tried to remember the last time things had been
normal.
I
can’t, he thought
bitterly. I can’t even remember the show the night of the wreck.
Would
things ever be normal again? For a while he’d thought they might be, but now
that looked impossible. Maybe trying to keep the band together was too much to
ask. Maybe it was time to just let go, and salvage what little he had left before
he lost that too.
Don’t
give up on us. Whatever you do, don’t give up on us. We need each other, and
you can’t give up on us.
Howie’s
voice echoed in his brain and he halted in his tracks, putting his hands to his
face as he choked back a sob.
We
aren’t going to abandon you, or him, no matter what you do or say.
You
can’t give up on us.
“He’s
right,” he moaned softly. “I can’t. But how can I be there for them when I
don’t even know who I am?” It was true,
he didn’t know who he was. His very identity had been slipping away since the
moment he had gone through that window, and Nick had stripped the last remnants
of it away with just a few words.
A dull
ache that had been brought on by his walking cried out for his attention, and
he looked around for a place to sit. All he could see was the riverbank, so he
found a clear spot and rested. An occasional person passed by him, and a few
cast him curious looks, but he ignored them. His mind was still trying to look
for answers, but all he found were the same questions, and the despair that was
overpowering him merely got stronger.
After
awhile, the pain retreated into the background and he got to his feet again. It
was time to keep moving, though he had yet to determine if he was actually
going anywhere. The aimlessness with which he wandered suited him well. It
mirrored exactly what he felt. He had no place to go, no direction to move in,
so he simply kept walking further nowhere, or he just remained where he was,
waiting for… waiting for what? How was he going to find his way again?
Soon
enough he was forced to sit down again. Damn his injuries. Damn his pain. Damn
everything. It was the only thing at all that he was sure of anymore, and he
was tired of it. He wanted peace, he wanted answers, and he wanted his life
back, and as far as he could see, none of those things were within his reach.
The
sound of nature’s silence was broken by the soft echo of music drifting its way
down the gently sloping land from one of the houses above. He craned his head
around to try and determine where it was coming from, but finally shrugged and
returned his gaze to the water. It wasn’t important. What was important was
discovering what it was he was doing here. He knew somewhere deep inside him
that he hadn’t yet found or accomplished what his heart was telling him he was
supposed to, and it was critical that he did. He knew he would never again be
able to face his best friend if he didn’t find his feet, and this just might be
his last chance.
I’m
sorry, he thought
brokenly. Nick, I’m sorry.
An
unfamiliar melody floated on the wind from that house above the river, and
though he tried to tune it out, it wouldn’t let him. A voice that he recognized
began to sing softly, gently, and when the words struck home his face went
pale.
The
clouds above you start to pour, and all of your doubts rage like a storm. And
you don’t know who you are anymore, let me help you find what you’ve been
searching for.
Somewhere
there’s a field and a river, you can let your soul run free. Someday let me be
the giver, let me bring you peace. Somewhere there’s a break in the weather,
where your heart and spirit go free. Someday it’ll be for the better, let this
bring you peace.
Stunned,
he remained motionless as the song continued, every single word striking him
with such clarity that he almost lost his balance. He wasn’t alone. No matter
how dark things were, he wasn’t alone. All he had to do was open his heart, and
He was there. This entire time he had pushed Him away. Brian closed his eyes
and remembered the prayers he and Howie had said as they huddled in his
hospital room. He remembered the letters from the fans. So many of them had
offered their prayers up for all of them. It had saved their lives. Of that he
had no doubt. And there was still time to save the rest.
He was
ready to stop denying his heart the truth. Something terrible had happened to
all of them, and the results had changed their lives. Things may never be the
same, but now, for the first time, he felt that he could accept that. He had
four brothers (Nick may have let go of him, but there was no way he was going
to let go of Nick), a family that loved him, a legion of fans who had proven
how much they cared, and God himself behind him. The road wouldn’t be easy, but
he had enough love behind him to take him down it.
No
matter what happens, we stand together. If we do that, we can make it.
Yes.
They could. And they would.
He
called another cab, feeling freer than he had in a long time.
***
