Part 4
~
I hear your
voice, and I start to tremble
Brings back the child
I, I resemble
I cannot
pretend that we can still be friends
Don’t wanna be alone
tonight
~
Three years
later
“Welcome
to Long John Silver’s. This is
Brian. May I take your order?”
It
was the summer before my sophomore year in high school, and I was working at
the local Long John Silver’s, trying to save up money to buy myself a car. I was already sixteen and had gotten my
license, something barely anyone else in my class had yet.
See,
when I was five and was in the hospital for so long, I missed a good part of
the beginning of kindergarten and ended up repeating it the next year, which
put me in the same class as Grace, even though I was actually a year older. This had never really bothered me though,
and now, since I turned sixteen before anyone else, I had the advantage of
getting my license first.
My
parents had refused to just buy me a car when I turned sixteen though. They said I had to earn it, and that’s what I
was doing now. I was getting close to
saving up enough to pay half of what the car would cost, and I figured I could
talk my parents into paying for the other half.
“Yeah,
we’ll have two chicken sandwiches, one with cheese, one without, two orders of
fries, a large Coke, and a medium Dr. Pepper,” the guy in the drive-thru line
said.
I
rang up his total and told him to pull up to my window. A few minutes later, as I was taking another
order, I looked out to see a brand new, shiny, red convertible pulled up to the
window. I didn’t recognize the guy in
the driver’s seat, but when I saw who was in the passenger’s seat, my jaw
nearly dropped. It was Grace.
“Brian!”
she cried when she saw me. “Hey!”
“Hi,”
I said, as I handed the guy their order.
“Who’s your friend here?”
“Oh,
this is Ben Kingsbury. He’s my friend
Kelly’s cousin,” she introduced.
“Oh. That’s cool,” I said, relaxing a little. I figured he must just be visiting for a few
days. I wasn’t sure why Grace was
riding around town with him, when Kelly was nowhere in sight, but I wasn’t too
concerned about it. If he was only
visiting, he’d be gone soon anyway.
“Here,”
Ben said, handing me his money.
“Well,
see you around. Have a nice visit,” I
said, as I handed him his change.
“Oh,
I’m not visiting. My family just moved
here,” Ben replied.
“Yup,”
Grace said. “Kelly’s working today, and
Ben doesn’t really know anyone else yet, so I thought I’d show him around
town.”
Ben
glanced back. “Well, looks like you have
a line forming, buddy. See ya
later.” He smiled and drove off, leaving
me speechless.
This
guy was here to stay? And Grace was
already riding around in his car with him, alone? I sighed.
I could tell it was going to be a long summer.
***
“Brian,
how does Olive Garden sound?”
I
glanced at my mom, trying to focus on what she was saying to me. “Huh?”
“For
dinner tonight. It’s a Friday,
remember. Your dad thought Italian
would sound good,” she said.
“Oh.” I had nearly forgotten. It was a Friday, and that meant we were
eating out. “Yeah, Olive Garden’s
fine,” I replied.
“Is
something wrong?” Mom asked. “You’ve
been acting weird ever since you got home from work? Did something happen?” Before I could even answer, she asked, “You didn’t
spill the fish batter on your supervisor again, did you?”
I
rolled my eyes good naturedly. It had
been weeks since that little incident, and everyone still teased me about
it. My mother would probably tease me
about it for the rest of my life.
“No,”
I said. “I’m fine.”
“Okay,”
she said, looking as if she didn’t quite believe me. “You just seem distracted. If you need to talk about anything, you know
I’m here.”
“I
know, Mom,” I replied, flashing her a smile.
But I knew I wasn’t going to talk to my mom about my feelings for
Grace. Heck, I couldn’t even talk to Grace
about my feelings for her.
Since
that dance in seventh grade, those feelings had grown. And now I wanted our friendship to grow into
something more than just a friendship.
I liked Grace more than a friend, and I wanted her to like me the same
way. But it had been four years, and I
still didn’t have the nerve to tell her that.
I had always been able to tell her anything. But not this.
It
was the fear of rejection. I didn’t want
to ruin our friendship by telling her that I loved her, that I wanted to date
her. I was afraid she wouldn’t feel the
same way, and that if she knew what I felt for her, she would distance herself
from me. And that was the last thing I
wanted.
But
being just friends was growing harder and harder. To Grace, I was the guy she told all her
problems to, the guy she shot baskets with at night when she had nothing better
to do. And that was all fine. But I wanted more. I wanted to be the guy she went to dances
with, to the prom, the guy that took her out to dinner and movies, on real
dates, not just as friends. But how
could I make her see that?
***
“Brian? Is everything okay?”
I
looked up at my father. What was going
on? Was I really acting that weird? Now both my parents were asking questions
like that.
“Yeah,
everything’s fine,” I replied. “Why?”
“You’re
just not saying much,” Dad said, shrugging.
We
sat in the Olive Garden, the four of us.
It was nice to have all four people there again. My brother Harry had been away at college all
year. He was finally home for the
summer, and I was glad to have him back.
I never thought I would be saying that, but I had missed him. Since he was now nineteen and not living at
home anymore, except for in the summer, Harry didn’t usually come out to eat
with us anymore on Fridays. But that
night he had.
“I’m
fine,” I said again. “Just busy eating,
I guess.” To prove my point, I shoved a
mouthful of fettuccini into my mouth.
I
happened to look up just as a waitress was walking in, leading a couple to
their table. I nearly choked on my food
when I saw who the couple was. There
was Grace. And Ben Kingsbury was with
her.
I
quickly glanced away, hoping they wouldn’t see me sitting there with my
family. Of course, Grace knew I went
out to eat with my parents just about every Friday night, unless I had other
plans, but I didn’t want Ben to think I was a total loser.
Out
of the corner of my eye, I saw Ben pull out Grace’s chair for her, just like a
perfect gentleman. He said something to
her, and she giggled. My heart
lurched.
I
couldn’t believe Grace was going out with this guy. How long could she have possibly known
him? I hadn’t seen him around at all,
and I hadn’t heard her mention his name either before that day. And yet, he was already taking her out to
eat? Twice in one day?
I
suddenly wasn’t hungry anymore.
“Bri? You okay, dude?” Harry asked, waving a hand
in my face and laughing. I blushed,
realizing I had been staring off into space.
“I’m
fine,” I muttered, messing with the napkin in my lap.
“Well,
you gonna eat that?” he asked, pointing to the half-eaten breadstick lying on
my plate.
“No,
take it,” I said, shoving it towards him.
“Thanks,”
Harry said and happily began to eat it.
I rolled my eyes at him. I
didn’t see how anyone could be happy when my love life was falling apart. That guy had just come into my town and
stolen Grace away from me. I certainly
wasn’t happy.
I
glanced at Ben and Grace again. To my
horror, Ben caught me looking at them and nudged Grace’s arm, motioning to
me. When she saw me, her face
brightened, and she smiled and waved.
Smiling
tightly, I waved back. Grace said
something to Ben and got up, coming over to our table.
”Hey, Brian! Hi, Harry, Mr. and Mrs.
Littrell,” Grace said, greeting us all.
“Well,
hello, Grace,” Dad said. “We haven’t
seen you in awhile. How are you doing?”
“Oh,
I’m doing great,” she said. “And how are
y’all?”
“Oh
we’re good, thanks,” Mom said. “How are
your parents? Goodness, I haven’t talked
to your mom in days.”
I
only half listened while Grace chattered politely with the rest of my
family. But I watched her every
move. I watched her mouth move, and her
big brown eyes flash with expression as she talked. I noticed the way her dark curly hair
bounced when she laughed. She was so
perfect. I realized I loved every
detail about her. If only she knew that.
“Well,
I’d better get back to our table. Our
food will be here soon, and I should let y’all finish your dinner. See ya later,” Grace said, smiling at me, as
she went back to her table, back to Ben.
***
Around
midnight that night, I was sitting alone in the living room, with all the
lights off, and the TV on. But I was
not really watching it. I was just
thinking.
My
parents had gone to bed already, and Harry was up in his room, maybe sleeping,
maybe not. I couldn’t sleep, even if I
tried. I just kept thinking. About Grace.
About myself. About Ben. About everything.
Loud
noises from next door interrupted my thoughts.
Suddenly, I became aware of yelling and screaming, of glass shattering,
of slamming doors, the works. It was
coming from Grace’s house. Of
course. It was midnight on a Friday
night, and Grace’s dad had probably just come home after a long night of
drinking.
In
the past few years, his alcoholism had gotten worse. He got drunk on other nights besides just
Fridays, although Fridays were still his worst nights. He had lost his job several times and was
always either between jobs or starting a new one. From what Grace had told me, they were
having money problems. She didn’t
really like to talk much about her father and his problems though, even to me,
so I didn’t know much more than that.
I
wasn’t sure why her mother didn’t just divorce him. Grace said she was afraid to. That didn’t make sense to me. I thought it was a lot scarier to live there
with him than to leave him.
Suddenly,
there was a soft but insistent knock on the back door. I knew before even opening it that it was
Grace. I flung the door open, and sure
enough, there she was, dressed in a T-shirt and boxers, and carrying her
flashlight. She was not crying, not
yet, but she looked ready to.
“Come
on in,” I said, smiling sympathetically at her.
“Thanks,
Bri,” she said tiredly, following me inside.
I shut and locked the door behind her and led her into the living
room.
“Everyone
else is upstairs, probably all asleep,” I said.
“I was just watching TV.”
I
started to sit back down on the couch, but Grace grabbed my shoulder and turned
me around to face her. Before I could
say anything, she threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly.
“Thank
you so much, Brian,” she said, her voice hushed and choked up. “You’re the best friend I could ever have.”
I
put my arms around her. “Shh, it’s
okay, Gracie,” I soothed.
“I’m
so scared,” she began to sob. “I’m so
scared of what’s gonna happen. Of what
he’s gonna do next. He’s out of control,
Brian. I’m so afraid he’s gonna hurt
Mama again or even worse.”
My
heart ached for her, and suddenly, all the jealously I had felt earlier towards
Ben, and the anger I had felt towards her for going out with him vanished. Tonight, Grace was mine. She needed me, and I would be there for
her. I would always be there for her.
***
After
awhile, we crept up the stairs to my room.
Grace had calmed down a little and was exhausted from crying. I was practically drained too. I pulled down the sheets on my bed for her
and grabbed some blankets from the linen closet to make my bed on the floor.
“Are
you gonna go to sleep now, Bri?” Grace asked, once we were lying in the dark.
”Yeah, I guess so,” I said. “Are you?”
“I
don’t think I can. I’m tired… but I
can’t sleep,” she said, her voice sounding small and scared.
“I
don’t know if I can either,” I admitted.
“You want me to stay up with you?”
“Yeah,”
she whispered. “I don’t wanna be
alone. Do you mind? I don’t want you to stay-“
“No,
it’s fine,” I replied quickly. “I don’t
mind at all.”
“Thanks,
Brian,” she said. “Can I come down there
with you?”
“Course. That’s what we always do, isn’t it?”
She
crawled down beside me and turned on her flashlight. She was smiling. “Yup, we sure do. Ahh, the good old days,” she said, sighing wistfully.
I
smiled sadly. I remembered those good
old days too, and suddenly, I wished to be a kid again, to be back in the time
when Grace and I were best friends and never had to worry about love or dating
or anything.
Grace
began to laugh softly all of a sudden.
“What?” I asked her.
“Remember
that promise we made to each other that one night? I was about eight or so, and I was over here,
just like this. And we promised-“
“That
we’d be best friends forever,” I finished for her, smiling at the memory. “We even pinkie swore.”
She
giggled. “I hope we always keep that
promise,” she said, turning serious again.
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Brian, and I never want to lose
that.”
I
nodded, just gazing at her face, her beautiful face. I wanted us to have more of a relationship
with that, but I agreed with her on one thing – I never wanted to lose our
friendship. And confessing my true
feelings to her would mean risking that.
“You
remember our first dance? In seventh
grade?” Grace asked, continuing on down memory lane.
“Yup,”
I replied. “Tammy had hives, and David
ditched you for Becky the Bimbo.”
She
laughed. “But it all turned out for the
best. I had a really good time that
night.”
I
smiled. “Me too,” I said.
“And
you remember when we went outside? And
you asked me… if I liked you?”
I
nodded, feeling my cheeks grow hot.
“Yeah.”
“Brian,
if I would have asked you the same question back then, what would you have
said?” she asked.
I
swallowed hard. Why did she have to ask
so many questions? But then again, this
was my chance. If I was going to tell
her the truth, I had to do it now.
“Well…
I would have said yes,” I replied slowly.
Her
eyebrows raised and the corners of her lips turned up in a slight smile. “Really?”
“Yeah,”
I admitted sheepishly.
“I
wouldn’t have ever known. I mean, you
didn’t really act like it,” she said.
I shrugged. “I didn’t really realize it,
not until we slow danced,” I told her.
She
smiled again. “Really? That’s so sweet.”
I
smiled tightly. I didn’t want her to
think it was “sweet” and smile at me like that, like I was some cute little
kid. I wanted her to tell me that she
loved me too.
“Yeah,”
I said. “When I asked you, I guess I was
planning on maybe telling you that I liked you like that, but then when you
said you didn’t like me like that, I didn’t say anything. I was afraid of ruining our friendship.”
There. I was being completely honest with her. Well, okay, not completely. I hadn’t mentioned yet that I still
liked her like that.
“Aw,
Bri,” she said. “I’m sorry. I guess I just didn’t realize it at the same
time you did.”
“Realize
what?” I asked, suddenly confused.
“That
I liked you… more than just a friend.”
“Wait
a minute… you didn’t realize it at the same time I did? You mean…” I trailed off, not sure what to
think. Did this mean she had realized it
later on? Did she really like me the way
I liked her and had just never been able to tell me either?
“I
like you, Brian,” she said. “I didn’t
realize it then, but I do now. I have
for some time, I guess. I just… I was
afraid to tell you. For the same reason
you were afraid to tell me.”
I
stared at her, stunned. “You mean, all
this time… you’ve liked me too?!”
She
nodded.
“But
if you like me, why do you go out with all those other guys?” I asked. That part still confused me.
“What
do you mean, “all those other guys”?” she asked, smiling amusedly.
“Well,
like that Ben guy, for example. What’s
up with that?”
“Ben? Oh, he’s nothing. Like I told you, he’s just new, and I was
showing him around for Kelly. He might
kinda like me, I guess. I mean, he did
ask me to go to dinner with him. But I
don’t like him, not like a boyfriend or anything. He’s a nice guy, but he’s not really my
type. Too rich and preppy, you know?”
I
couldn’t believe this. Was I
dreaming? This was the best night of my
life.
“Pinch
me,” I mumbled.
“Huh?”
“I
must be dreaming,” I said.
She laughed. “I can’t believe it
either,” she said. “All this time…”
“I
know,” I said, laughing too. I couldn’t
believe that we had both gone for at least a few months, maybe more, liking
each other like this, both hoping the other one liked us the same, and never
being able to tell each other.
“Hey,
Brian?” Grace asked suddenly.
“Yeah?”
“Um…
now that we have this out in the open, there’s something I’ve been wanting to
do for a long time now.”
“What
is it?” I asked.
“This.” Before I knew what was happening, Grace’s
arms were around my neck, and her lips were touching mine. Shocked, but delighted, I wrapped my arms
around her and kissed her back. It was
as if I had died and gone to heaven. Grace and I were kissing. Grace and I loved each other. It was a dream come true.
***
The
next morning, I awoke to find Grace in my arms, still sound asleep. I smiled contentedly as I watched her
sleep. But that didn’t last long. Soon, she began to stir, and her eyes
fluttered open.
“Morning,”
I said, smiling at her.
Grace
smiled and slowly sat up, pulling herself out of my arms. “Morning,” she replied.
“Did
you sleep well?” I asked.
She
yawned. “Yeah, I did actually,” she
said. “What time is it?”
I
glanced at my clock. “9:30,” I
said. “You hungry?”
“Yeah,
sorta,” she replied.
“Okay. Let’s go downstairs and get breakfast,” I
said, and we both stood up. Grace ran a
hand through her tangled hair and followed me down the stairs and into the
kitchen. My dad had already left for
work, but Harry was sitting at the table, glancing at the Sports Page of the
newspaper and eating a bowl of cereal.
“Hey,
Bri,” he said without even looking up.
When he did, he did a double take.
“Hi, Gracie,” he said.
“Hey,
Harry,” she replied.
“Your
parents at it again last night?” he asked.
“Of
course,” Grace said, sighing heavily.
“Nothing ever changes, does it?”
Harry
gave her a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry,
sweetie,” he said.
Grace
smiled slightly. “Aw, it’s okay,
Harry. I’m certainly used to it by
now.” She rolled her eyes.
“What
to you want to eat?” I asked Grace, opening the cupboards to show her our
assortment of breakfast foods, mostly cereal and pop-tarts.
“Frosted
Flakes sounds good,” she replied.
I
grinned. “They’re not good, they’re
GRRRRRRREAT!” I cried, trying to imitate Tony the Tiger.
Trying being the key word there.
“That was pathetic, Bri,” Grace laughed.
I
just stuck my tongue out at her and handed her the box of Frosted Flakes and a
bowl. She poured herself a bowl, and I
poured myself a bowl of Rice Krispies.
“Milk?” I asked, offering her the carton.
“No
thanks,” she replied.
“Oh
yeah, that’s right. You don’t eat your
cereal with milk,” I said, remembering one of Grace’s weird habits.
“It
makes it soggy!” she defended.
”Not Rice Krispies, it doesn’t. Without milk they wouldn’t ‘snap, crackle,
pop’,” I pointed out.
“True,”
she agreed. “But it makes Frosted Flakes
soggy, and that’s gross.”
“Whatever,”
I laughed and poured milk into my bowl.
“Ahh, listen to that,” I said, listening to my cereal make noises.
“Oh,
Brian, you’re so easily amused,” said Grace, chuckling. “You’re just like a chimp or something.”
“Hey,
chimps are smart!” I cried.
“Okay,
a retarded chimp.” She grinned
devilishly, and I playfully hit her shoulder.
“Okay,
children, break it up,” Harry said, rolling his eyes.
“Yeah,
Grace,” I said smugly, sticking my tongue out at her.
“Okay,
retard chimp,” she shot back, ducking out of the way before I could hit her
again.
“Kids,”
Harry muttered, and left the room.
Grace and I just exchanged glances and burst out laughing.
***
That
evening, someone knocked on the door to my bedroom. “Brian?” came my father’s voice.
“Come
in,” I called. He opened the door and
came into the room, taking a seat on my bed.
“I
heard Grace was over here last night,” he said.
“Yeah,”
I replied. “Her dad was going psycho
again.”
He
shot me a warning look. “That’s
disrespectful, Brian.”
“Well,
it’s true. And Grace’s dad isn’t a
respectable person anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”
“You
respect your elders, no matter what kind of bad habits they have,” Dad
said.
I
rolled my eyes. I didn’t think Grace’s
father just had a “bad habit”, and I didn’t respect him at all, but I didn’t
want to argue with my dad, so I didn’t say anything.
“Anyway,
that’s not what I came to talk to you about.
I want to talk about Grace,” Dad continued.
“Grace? What about her?” I asked.
“Well,
son, you’re sixteen now, and Grace is fifteen.
You’re both teenagers, and I don’t think it’s right for you to have her
sleep in your room.”
I
suddenly realized where this was heading.
“Dad, it’s not like we would ever do anything with each other. We’re just friends,” I said. Actually, we weren’t “just friends” anymore,
but that didn’t mean I was going to have sex with her, which I knew was what my
dad was thinking.
“Well,
Brian, you may think that now, but… well, it’s just not a good idea for the two
of you to spend the night in the same room.
You know how we feel about premarital sex, and I think having you
sleeping in the same room as a girl is just making that situation more
probable.”
“Dad,
Grace and I aren’t like that. We don’t
want to have sex. We’re just friends,
and she needed me last night. Besides,
where else was she gonna sleep? All by
herself on the couch in the living room?”
“I
don’t see a problem with that. Or you
could give her your room, and you could sleep on the couch. I don’t care which, but I do not want you and
Grace sleeping in the same room anymore.
Understood?”
I
sighed. “Yeah, Dad, understood.”
“Okay. I just wanted to make that clear. I’ll leave you alone now,” he said, standing
up. “Dinner will be ready soon, by the
way.”
“Okay,”
I said, but I didn’t feel very hungry anymore.
I felt like my father didn’t trust me anymore. And that was not a good feeling.
***
Lyrics taken from
Backstreet Boys’ “How Did I Fall In Love With You”
