Part
1
Sitting across from him it didn’t seem right that it had
been so long since we’d been together.
The toe of my shoe knocked the toe of his boot as he moved
his foot to the side with a mumbled apology under his breath as the group
leader moved around us semi shouting out the rules and how we would proceed.
I wasn’t really listening. Instead I was studying him as he
sat slumped down in his seat across from me. I was trying to make a mental
picture that I could save forever in case…..well just in case.
“Okay so does everybody understand the rules?” The group
leader Meg pushed her long black hair over her shoulder turning to me with a
half smile that seemed strained. I wondered how she could stand doing this
night after night.
It would drive me to drink.
“Nickolas feel
free to begin whenever you are feeling comfortable.” Walking behind me Meg
dropped a hand on my shoulder making me jump slightly as a few people
snickered.
I had sat through four of these same “family night”
sessions over the last month. Every Thursday night 7:00 p.m. rain or shine.
The same faces showed up taking their seats around the room
as the “addicts” were shuffled in through the door in the corner of the room
like prisoners in a chain gang, sans the chains.
Some of them looked up, scanning the room for their loved
ones. There were a few smiles, some sneers and you could always count on the haggard
blonde woman to shed some tears when she’d spot her overweight husband with the
thinning hair and red and black checked flannel shirt sitting in the corner of
the room.
A.J. always emerged somewhere in the middle of line, head
down toes of his shoes scuffing the well-worn carpet as he walked.
The first night I attended I sat beside a young kid and his
grandma. The kid told me that his Mom was in rehab for cocaine and meth and
that he didn’t believe she’d ever get better.
“How can you be so sure.” I said with a smile, nudging his
arm with my elbow. “I mean isn’t that what she’s here for…..to get better?”
“You’re a dreamer.” He snorted tugging on his faded knit
hat so that it sat right above his eyelids.
“My Mom’s been in a ton of these places and it’s always the
same. She always goes back.”
That didn’t make
me feel so good about A.J.’s odds.
“This is weird.” I blurted out my voice sounding louder
then I had intended.
“Weird that your friend is in a drug rehab?” Meg said,
trying to read my mind.
“No.” I stammered sitting up a little taller in my seat.
“Weird to have all these people staring at me when I’m supposed to be saying
something profound to my friend.”
“Forgive me Nick but when have you ever been profound?”
Blinking I felt my heart pound out of sync at the sound of A.J.’s voice
speaking to me.
It was the first
time he had spoken to me since the last time we’d been face to face in the
airport in New York.
“So do you think I need to go and get help?” I stood behind
him at the curbside check in as he dug in his pocket for his ID to accommodate
the skycap.
“It doesn’t matter what I think?” Sighing I took a long
drag off of my cigarette, well aware of the stares coming from the two high
school aged girls standing to my left pretending to hail a cab.
“What if I told you it mattered to me?” A.J. nodded to the
skycap as he sealed the bright orange tickets to the handles of his luggage
before tossing them into the metal cart.
“I dunno.” Dropping my cigarette to the sidewalk I ground
it out with my heel before following A.J. into the airport.
“What the hell does I dunno mean?” He didn’t give me time
to answer. “I’ll tell you what that means…it means nothing. It’s shit Nick,
it’s a cop out.”
“Okay.” Shoving my hands in my pockets I continued to
follow two paces behind him the scent of his cologne filling my nostrils as I
walked, making me feel comforted in an uncomfortable situation.
“Kevin said he wished I was dead.” Stopping A.J. turned as
I walked into him with a dull thud our chests bouncing off of each other.
“He’s said that lots of times to me.” I replied looking
over the top of A.J.’s head to the crowded airport terminal.
“Liar. He’s never said he wished that you were dead.”
Dropping his carryon at his feet A.J. continued. “Do you wish I were dead
Nick?”
“I wish I had a slice of Pizza from Famous Rays right now,
I wish I was adopted, I wish that I could find a normal girlfriend who didn’t
like to scream at me all of the time-“
“Do you wish I were dead?”
I shook my head.
“So you don’t care that I’m a drug addict and an alcoholic
and I’ve torn the band apart?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm.
I shook my head again.
“You’re weak Nick.” He laughed his husky laugh as he
stooped to pick up his bag.
“I’m trying to be a good friend A.J.” I brushed at my bangs
uncomfortably.
“You’re the weakest fucking link I’ve ever seen. You’re so
scared to be a man.” He turned and headed towards his gate his back straight
the veins popping out in the back of his neck as he walked.
Then he stopped.
“I’m dying Nick.” His back was to me when he said the words
for the first time, and then he turned.
“I’m really
dying.”
“Well A.J., the main focus of family night is for family
members to get out their feelings about what your addiction has done to them.
It really isn’t a requirement that they be profound in the process.” Meg’s
reply was curt yet punctuated with a kind smile.
“He’s not my family.” A.J. rolled his dark eyes rubbing at
his chin now bare of his clever signature goatee. “And he couldn’t be profound
if he tried so I guess he loses on both counts.”
I felt my eyes flutter to the ground, my cheeks growing hot
from embarrassment.
“Does it make you feel good about yourself to put me down
A.J.?” I asked through clenched teeth.
The room was silent for a full minute before A.J. finally
replied.
“Yes Nick. Yes it
does.”
I knew he was dying. It was obvious to any of us that spent
any significant amount of time with him that A.J. was dying.
The big elephant in the room that nobody talked about.
Nobody that is until Kevin broke down his door the day
before we went to the airport calling him every name in the book as A.J. laid
curled up in the fetal position on the bed, arms shielding his face like he
thought Kevin might try and hurt him.
I stood in the doorway, behind Brian. My arms and legs
shaking until I was sure I was going to pass out squashing Brian flat like two
characters in a cartoon.
A million thoughts whirled through my mind as I watched
Kevin reach down grabbing A.J. by his narrow shoulders, shaking him so hard
that he appeared like nothing more than a ragdoll.
“IF YOU’RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF THAN KILL YOURSELF.”
Kevin raged, the vein in his neck threatening to burst as he dropped A.J. back
to the mound of covers.
“I guess I just haven’t been lucky enough yet Kev. Give me
a few more weeks and I’m sure I’ll get it right.” A.J. replied in a snotty tone
.
“Well here, let me help you.” Turning Kevin began rummaging
through the nightstand drawers beside the bed, finally coming up with a needle
and two wadded up balls of tinfoil.
“Where’s your lighter?” Tossing the needle and tinfoil to
the bed Kevin walked around to the other nightstand pulling out a room service
menu, small phone book and the Good News Bible all of which he tossed to the
floor.
“Fuck you Kev, get out.” A.J. said in a hoarse voice,
sounding a million miles away from where he really was.
“Ahhh here we go.” Kevin held up a silver Harley Davidson
lighter, flicking out the flame with a maniacal look in his green eyes.
“What do we do?” I whispered to Brian, bile rolling up in
my throat as I pushed on his rigid arm blocking me from entering the room.
Snatching up one of the balls of tinfoil Kevin opened it,
flicking the lighter beneath it until the contents melted into liquid. Dropping
the lighter to the bed he then grabbed for the needle easily sliding the
plunger back as the hot liquid filled the tube.
“Is this what you want A.J.? Is this how you want your life
to end?” Kevin spoke softer now, in an eerie sounding voice that I didn’t
recognize as he approached A.J. still lying on the bed.
Grabbing for his left arm, Kevin held it so tightly that
the veins popped out one by one like wicked weeds in a garden.
“I’ll have you arrested for assault you fuck.” A.J. seethed
spiting in Kevin’s face as he struggled to make Kevin release his grip.
“That’s going to be hard to do when you’re buried six feet
under McLean.” Rearing his arm back Kevin wielded the needle like some ancient
warrior, holding it high above his head as he let out roar that shook the
walls.
Closing my eyes I tried to scream but nothing would come
out, I wanted to turn and run but my feet wouldn’t move. Against my will my
eyes flew open as the needle came down in one swift motion towards A.J.’s
shaking arm.
“KEVIN!” Brian screamed as the needle missed A.J.’s arm by
half a centimeter embedding itself in the exposed pale green sheets of the
hotel bed.
“A.J. I wish you were dead. But if you want to die you can
kill your damn self I don’t want anything more to do with you.” Dropping A.J.’s
arm Kevin stood, wiping the spit from his face.
Turning he fought to get air into his lungs as he
approached Brian and I, still standing dumbstruck in the doorway.
“Move.” He commanded pushing Brian's arm to the side as he
walked through the doorway.
Turning I watched Kevin leave the hotel room, slamming the
door behind him for the last time.
And then I vomited
all over my shoes before running from the room.
Running down the long hallway towards my room I knew that I had missed my opportunity. My opportunity to tell A.J.
everything I had been keeping to myself for the last year.
I wanted to tell him I was scared for him, that I didn’t want him to die
like some whino on the street with a needle jammed in his arm.
I wanted to tell him that he was the person I looked up to
most in the world. Even more than Brian because he had mastered the art of
being an individual not the follower that I had always been.
I wanted to tell him that I loved him.
But instead I had run away.
Struggling to get
the keycard in the lock I threw my room door open yanking the card from the
slot and letting the heavy door crash shut behind me, echoing in the quiet
hallway.
All night long I tossed and turned in a sweat drenched
sleep, sometimes thinking that A.J. was sitting in the bed beside me a wicked
smile on his face as he slipped the needle into his arm.
Around 4:00 a.m. I climbed from the bed walking to the
window and tossing back the heavy drapes to expose the gray silent morning of
another nameless, faceless town.
Taking a deep breath I decided to turn to God for help.
Mumbling through dry lips I poured my heart out to the sky,
tracing circles on the glass with shaky fingertips.
Once I was finished I waited silently…..for what? For some
booming voice to call out my name?
“Nick..it’s God. I got your message and I’m here to
help……………..”
Or maybe I was waiting for a part in the gray sky,
revealing white shining lights and sexy angels playing harps as God spoke to
me…….
“Nick it’s God…..I’m pretty sure I can help you save your
friend…………..”
But there was nothing.
After what seemed like an eternity the sun finally began to
rise in the sky, overtaking the gray morning with the colors of rainbow
sherbet.
God hadn’t spoke to me, he hadn’t given me an answer.
So I showered, put on my clothes and headed for A.J.’s
room, pretending like nothing was wrong. Showing up at his door with a stupid
smile on my face and two packs of cigarettes in my coat pocket as he ranted
about Kevin’s tirade, bags packed a plane ticket in his hand.
A.J. was right….I
was afraid to be a man.
After that day at the airport I didn’t see or hear from him
for over a month, then one night I got the call.
“Hey stranger.” It was Howie, his voice sounded thick and
strange like he needed to clear his throat or something. “Am I interrupting
anything?”
Reaching for my glasses on the nightstand I noticed the red
glow of the clock 3:22 a.m.
“Howie it’s 3:00 in the morning, what the hell would I be
doing besides sleeping?” I replied with a yawn.
“A.J. was in a car accident. He’s been arrested.” Instead
of pausing to give me some time to clear my head he just kept talking making it
seem like more of a dream than an actual phone conversation.
“Denise called about twenty minutes ago from the hospital.
He didn’t hurt anybody, he ran his Saab into a building and he’s okay other
than a few bumps and bruises but I thought you should know that they’re taking
him to jail for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia.”
“He was doing drugs in the car?”
“I don’t know all of the details yet but I do know that
he’s safe in jail overnight until his arraignment tomorrow morning.”
“He could have died.” I whispered rubbing my eyes beneath
my glasses, trying to wipe away all of the terrible images of A.J. slamming his
car into a building as he attempted to tie his arm off with a piece of surgical
tubing.
“He’s dead already Nick.” Howie replied, the tone of his
voice so soft and sad.
“You can go to the arraignment if you want, Denise said
it’s at 10:30 a.m.”
“Are you going to go?” Part of me hoped he would say yes.
“No Nick, I’m not going to go. I can’t support the place
where A.J. is in his life right now. I hope you understand.” He spoke to me
like an adult, like me understanding was something that was important to him.
None of them ever spoke to me like an adult, it felt so strange.
“Is it okay if I say I’m not sure if I understand?” Because
I didn’t. I didn’t understand how Howie could abandon A.J. when he needed them
the most.
“Yeah Nick.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “It’s
okay.”
“Kevin and Brian, they’re not going either are they?” I
knew he had called them first which didn’t bother me.
“No, they’re not
going either.”
The next morning I got up early. Showering and getting
dressed, driving myself to the courthouse where I sat in the parking lot for
two hours watching the clock in the car slowly make it’s way to 10:30.
Climbing from the car I meshed into a crowd of men and
women in power suits looking official and lawyer like. They laughed about the
stupidity of their clients all the while their money meters clicking away
racking up the bills for these people they defended that they truly despised.
Stopping at the booth just inside of the door I asked where
A.J. McLean was being arraigned. I found myself whispering the words like I was
embarrassed I would know somebody being arraigned.
Following the directions down the hallway I opened the
heavy wooden door just enough to see inside without disrupting the proceedings.
I could see A.J. standing up in front of the judge beside a
man in a black pin striped suit, whom I assumed was his lawyer.
The judge asked
how A.J. plead and before the lawyer could answer I let the door drop shut
softly, turning and leaving the courthouse the same way I had come in.
I heard later through the grapevine that A.J. had plead
guilty to the possession of the paraphernalia but not to possession of drugs.
The police
officers had just assumed he was drunk and had never done a blood test on him
to prove he had drugs in his system, and the vials they found in his glove box
had not contained enough of a trace of anything to verify it was an illegal
substance. So the judge ended up giving him six months probation as long as he
adhered to a mandatory stay in a drug treatment facility for the remainder of
his probation. Belligerent to the very end A.J. agreed to go in order to
avoid jail but refused to admit he had ever had a drug problem.
“Aren’t you going to puke and run out of here now?” A.J.’s
voice was taunting from our place inside of the circle of drug addicts and
their loved ones.
Sighing I looked up locking eyes with him.
I had stared into those dark eyes a million times over the
years as we shared secrets, laughter, deep thoughts and dirty jokes. But now as
I searched his eyes for a sign of my old friend I couldn’t seem to get to the
darker 3-D parts of the iris where the old A.J. existed.
He had become a flat, one dimensional drug addict.
“I don’t even know who you are anymore A.J.?”
“Tell A.J. how that makes you feel Nickolas.” Meg’s voice
hovered in the air above us and while I knew there were people sitting staring
at us from all sides the only person I saw was A.J.
“Week after week I’ve come here and listened to everybody
and their addict talk.” I began, my voice finding strength as I continued. “I
figured that it would be different when A.J. and I talked. In fact I figured I
wouldn’t even have to say anything.” I snorted. “I figured that I’d sit down
across from you and you’d take one look at me and we’d connect. Like some sort
of Star Wars connection or something….I dunno.”
“Get out of here Nick.” A.J. sighed, shifting his weight in
the seat.
“I’m not finished yet A.J.” I shot back, resisting the urge
to back down as A.J. blinked. “Meg asked me a question and I’m going to answer
it.”
“I don’t know my best friend anymore and it makes me feel
like shit. But that isn’t the worst part. The worst part is that I thought I
would care that it makes me feel that way and-“ I shook my head “I don’t.”
A.J. laughed a little, swiping a hand across his forehead
for something to do.
“You know what you are A.J.? You’re an addict to
addiction.”
“Addict to addiction huh?” Laughing A.J. looked around the
room, waiting for somebody to laugh with him like I was a comedian on stage
working on my new routine.
“What are you Dr. Seuss now or something…… Addict to
addiction.” Repeating the phrase again under his breath he shook his head.
“Being an addict gives you power like you’ve never had
before and you love it.” Standing I heard my chair tip over behind me with a
dull thud. “How can anybody compete with that….least of all me?”
“So what the hell do you keep coming here for Nick?”
“I don’t know A.J., I thought I did but I guess I don’t.”
Turning around I stooped to pick up the chair, replacing it across from him.
“Maybe I just wanted to be able to see you one last time
before you die?”
I waited for him to come back with some witty reply,
something cutting and viscous that would make me look like an idiot.
But he said nothing.
“I’m going to leave now.” Turning to Meg I tried to smile
but couldn’t.
Her eyes were kind but cloudy, she’d seen this kind of
thing one too many times to believe it might do any good.
“Thank you for coming Nickolas. You know you’re more than
welcome to return next week.”
“Thanks but I don’t think so.” Walking past her I didn’t
look back.
I realized that I didn’t need anymore mental images of my
dying friend in my head. In the last year I’d had enough to last a lifetime……I
realized that I preferred to think of him the way he used to be.
Before he became an addict.
Sitting down in the car I found myself fumbling in the
glove box for my cell phone.
Starting the engine I turned on the windshield wipers even
though it wasn’t raining. The steady wish of the blades gave me some sort of
comfort in an otherwise lonely situation.
Dialing Howie’s number I waited through six long rings
before he answered.
“This is Howie.”
“Howie it’s Nick.” He must have sensed something was wrong
because he gave me a minute of silence before I continued without interrupting.
“Hey How, do you remember when A.J. got in that car
accident?”
“Yeah I remember.”
“Well do you remember when you said you weren’t going to
the arraignment because you couldn’t support the place in his life where he was
and that you hoped that I understood?”
“Yes Nick.”
“Well Howie I just
wanted to call to let you know that I finally understand.”
***
