Chapter 5:
Mixed Feelings
Getting home from Lexington that day
proved to be a more challenging task than I’d anticipated, but getting home
wasn’t really the important thing. The important thing is that I had a lot of
time to think about everything that had happened over the last two days. The
truth is, that Howie guy messed me up. Where the hell did he get off saying
shit like that? Amazing? How the fuck could I be amazing? And worse, why did it
bother me so much?
I mean, God, that was… nice. Why the
fuck was I mad that someone who was nice to me? Danny and John were nice to me
all the time, but that’s Danny and John. They don’t count. They have to be nice
to me or I’ll beat them up. They’re like my brothers. Well, more like
stepbrothers, otherwise I’d be a twisted incestuous freak.
Honestly though, I just couldn’t
figure out what was bothering me and I didn’t have a soul to talk to about it.
I’m pretty sure that this problem was a kind of woman problem and that left
everyone I know out of the question. I really only know one woman and she
married my father so I didn’t know how much help she was going to be, but I was
desperate. I actually hadn’t seen my mother since I cleaned her up and dumped
her in bed two nights ago so I picked up a bottle of rum on the way home to
soften her up a bit.
I know I rag on my mom a lot but deep
down I do love her. I mean it’s not really her fault. Dad fucked her over
pretty bad. If I had her life I’d probably drink myself into a coma everyday
too. She wasn’t always like this. Hal’s told me a few stories about her before
she married my dad. I even saw a picture of her when Hal had taken her camping
back in high school. She was sunbathing by a lake in a colorful bikini.
She was actually quite beautiful and
she had the most gorgeous smile on her face, but I’ve never seen that smile in
real life. My fucking bastard of a father has beaten her down so many times
it’s like she doesn’t have a soul anymore. I’ve tried to reach out to her
before. It’s not that I would like a relationship with my mom, but she’s just
too far gone. She’s just not helpable anymore. Dad’s completely destroyed her.
I stopped by Hal’s and told him I
wouldn’t be coming in tonight. He assumed I was still recovering from my
birthday but really my head didn’t hurt all that bad anymore. Howie’s little
wonder cocktail was like fucking magic. If I ever do see him again, remind me
to get the recipe.
And there I go again, thinking about
that fucking guy. I gotta stop doing that! The more I think about it the more
pissed off and confused I get. I have literally seen the man for about 10
minutes and yet I can’t get him out of my brain. He’s not even my type. How the
hell did he do that and how the hell do I get it to stop!
When I got home that night the sun was
gone but it wasn’t quite dark yet. I heard her voice before I saw her. “Where
the fuck have you been Cinderella?” Oh joy, she sounded sober.
“Nice to see you too mom. I brought
you a present.”
I rounded the corner shaking the
bottle of rum and found my mom lying on the couch. “My God! What the hell
happened here?” The room was completely torn apart. The lamp was broken the TV
on its face on the floor. Papers and books scattered everywhere. It looked like
a tornado came through here but I hardly noticed it. I was too busy staring at
my mother’s face. “Mom? Why did he do this to you?”
“Jesus Christ Cinderella! As if you
don’t fucking know! He was looking for you. You’re father was pissed as hell
about that shit you pulled the other night. You broke his fucking nose!”
“He was beating the shit out of you
mom! What was I supposed to do, let him kill you?”
“What the fuck do you think he tried
to do last night? You’re little stunt almost got me killed. Damnit girl when
are you going to learn to use your head! You don’t mess with your father.”
“Well somebody goddamned has to! Fuck
Mom, look at yourself! He can’t keep doing this! If I fucking see him again,
I’m going to fucking kill him! End of story! Why the hell did those fuckers let
him out of jail last night anyway?”
“Those bastards over there are fucking
incompetent ass holes, you know that.”
I let go a heavy sigh. There was no
use arguing about it anymore. My mom was the drunk wife of a woman beater, and
she lived up to every stereotype there is. In another five minutes she would be
defending his actions and telling me how much she loved him.
Mom looked bad this time. Real bad.
“One of these days he’s going to kill you.” I said as I helped her up. I said
it jokingly but I meant it. That bastard was never going to stop. I got her up
and put her in the car. The nearest hospital was just south of Lexington about
a half an hour up the highway. I gave my mom the bottle of rum and told her to
drink away. I knew she had to be in a great deal of pain and I didn’t want to
hear her bitch all the way there.
Hours later I was sitting in a hard
plastic chair in a waiting room and my ass was starting to go numb. I couldn’t
figure out what the hell was taking so long. My mom was pretty banged up but
she wasn’t dying, at least I hope not. I don’t know, maybe it felt like longer
than it was. I was there all by myself with nothing but my thoughts to
entertain me and God knows there were plenty of them.
As always I blamed myself for what
happened to my mom. Funny how that always works. Dad beats the shit out of mom.
I defend her and get pretty banged up in the process. Then dad nearly kills her
and somehow it’s all my fault. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that
logic.
I should have known though. I should
have known that daddy wouldn’t spend more than one night in jail. He never
does. And I sure as shit should have known that he would be angry. I should
have been there last night. Of coarse the man was going to beat her up when he
couldn’t find me, that’s what he does. And Mom’s fucking helpless.
I felt like shit. Guilty as fuck,
because where the hell was I while mom was being raped and beaten to the near
end of her life? I was getting piss drunk and sleeping with an ass-grabbing
rich boy, cursing the very woman I was now praying would be all right. I really
hate that I’m so fucking stupid sometimes. Runs in the family I guess.
When I just couldn’t sit anymore I
wandered down to the cafeteria to find some coffee. Cream, but no sugar, just
in case you’re wondering. I’m not really a big fan of anything sweet. Like
Howie. He seemed like the sweetest man I’ve ever met. That’s probably why I
ended up leaving him by the elevator and sleeping with Nick. He didn’t seem
nearly as sweet. What the hell is wrong with me? Now I’m comparing Howie to
coffee?
I have issues. Chuck was right, I have
a weird thing for city boys. I’ve been a fucking mess ever since they showed
up. In fact I’m thinking about them so much it’s like I am actually hearing
their voices now. “Cindy? Is that you? What are you doing here?”
You know, the scary thing is, that I
actually answered him before I knew he was really behind me. “I was actually
thinking about taking a trip up to the psyche ward, and you?” I said rather
sarcastically thinking I was really losing mind.
“Um, visiting my mom actually. Are you
all right?”
I laughed a little to myself when I
turned around and saw Brian staring at me as if I were losing it. Hell, maybe I
was. “Yeah, I just, it’s been a long day.”
“Care to join me? I’ve had a long day
myself.”
How could I resist such a smile? Brian
and I began wandering the halls of the hospital until we found an empty sofa.
Yeah, a chair with actual cushions! “So is your mom ok?” I asked hoping to keep
the subject off of me as long as possible.
I felt bad to see the sparkle in his
eyes fade. “She’ll be ok.” He said, “She’s come down with Alzheimer’s and my
Dad can’t really take care of here anymore. That’s actually the reason my wife
and I moved back to Kentucky, so we could be close. I wish we didn’t have to
put her in the hospital but I travel so much with work that there’s just no other
way.”
“God Brian, I’m so sorry.”
“Well the Lord has his plan for all of
us so the most I can do is try to be at peace with it and help any way I can.”
“You’re a good son. I wish I could
that good.”
Brian’s smile slowly started to come
back. “So what brings you hear? Other than the psyche ward of coarse.”
“It’s my mom too.”
“Ah, now you see you’re a better kid
than you thought if you’re here visiting your Mom too.”
“Not really, I’m kind of the reason
she’s she in here.”
Shit! I didn’t mean to say that. Why
did I say that? Now I was going to have to explain myself. I’m the bartender.
People are supposed to tell me their problems not the other way around. I
looked at Brian and there was no mistaking the look on his face. I was now
going to have to tell him the entire story. “You see this?” I asked gesturing
to the bruise on my face that had now faded into an ugly green-yellow. “Well my
father did that so I broke his nose.”
I could tell that Brian was doing his
best not to make any faces that might let me know how shocked he was. I felt
bad for telling him. This good-natured country boy who had moved home to be
close to his sick mamma probably had no idea that domestic violence wasn’t
something Hollywood made up to sell tickets. I hated to strip the man of his
innocence, but there really was no way to sugarcoat it, and now there was no
avoiding it, so I just let go. “He was pretty pissed about it so while we were
out getting plastered last night my dad was at home doing his best to kill my
mom.”
We sat there for about an hour while I
explained the wonderful tragedy that is my life. God it felt so good opening up
to him like that. He turned out to be the shoulder I needed. He didn’t really
have any advice to give me, how could he, but just being able to vent all my
troubles made me feel better than I had in a long time.
Eventually after the subject had
completely died things got a little quiet between us. I didn’t mind so much. I
just felt so comfortable around him and it was getting pretty late so I was
tired. My eyes started to close on me until I could feel Brian staring a hole
right through me. When I looked at him he grinned like a little kid. “You’d
better tell me what the fuck you’re grinning at.” I teased.
I was actually grateful for the change
in mood. “Well I hate to sound like a fourth grader, but my friend told me he
likes you and I was just thinking that you should go out with him.”
“I was wondering when you were going
to bring that up.”
“You mean you know?”
“Yeah well, he kind of asked me out
this afternoon but I said no.”
“But why? I think you too would have
fun together. Besides, I noticed you checking him out last night.”
“I was?”
I was surprised when Brian laughed so
forcefully. God I wish I knew what happened last night. “Are you really going
to try and deny it? You were practically undressing him with your eyes.”
“I don’t really remember anything that
happened last night so cut me some slack.” OK, there I was blushing again.
“Look, Howie seems like a really sweet guy and I kind of felt bad for ditching
him by the elevator like that, but— I stopped talking when I saw Brian’s face.
You would not believe the way Brian
was looking at me after that. It was this strange mixture of shock, confusion,
excitement and god knows what else. Total fucking bewilderment. “Howie?!” Brian
finally asked nearly falling out of his chair with laughter, “I was talking
about AJ.”
“Who the fuck is AJ? That blonde
mother fucker?”
“Nope, that’s Nick. AJ’s the other
one. Dark hair, tattoos, kind of looks like a rock star…”
“The sexy one?” Oh shit, said that out loud.
“Most women think so.”
Brian was now laughing hysterically.
“I’m glad you find this so amusing.”
“I’m sorry, but if you knew the guys
better, you’d understand.”
“Try me.”
“OK, well yesterday the guys had to
take my car to the shop for me.”
“So I heard.” I said remembering
meeting them for the first time.
“Well AJ called me telling me that he
was in love with some woman that gave Nick what he deserved. When I found out
later what you’d done to his face it all made sense. When he told Nick that he
was going to ask you out Nick had a hissy. I think he really felt bad. He’s not
used to… well… you kind of put him in his place. He wanted to ask you out so he
could apologize. After that he and AJ spent the whole day fighting over who had
dibbs. They’re gonna be pissed when I tell them Howie asked you out first.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Three fucking rich city boys all fighting over who gets to ask me out? “You see
we kind of have this rule that once one of the guys has asked a girl out, she’s
off limits to the rest of us.”
“So you’re telling me a foursome is
out of the question then?” Brian’s face went pale until I started laughing. I
thought about telling him about waking up in Nick’s bed because that meant
Howie broke the rules, but that meant Nick finding out we slept together and I
didn’t want that to happen. “I’m just kidding, god! But you do sound like a
fucking fourth grader.”
Brian giggled again and then asked the
question I had been dreading ever since I first saw him. “SO, Howie huh? What
did you mean when you said you ditched him by the elevator?”
I hesitated and then I blushed. Or
maybe I blushed and then hesitated. Either way he KNEW something was up. No way
did I want to have to tell him what I was doing in his friend’s hotel room.
Technically I didn’t know that myself.
Brian gave me a look that I can only
assume was reserved for his son when he wanted to know something. I tried to
play it off as best I could. “He asked me out and I sort of freaked out. I said
no and then just left. I’ve never been really good at that sort of thing.”
“So why’d you say no? Howie’s a really
good guy. The best of the four of us anyway, by far. A girl could only be so
lucky.”
“That’s exactly why I said no. He
seems like a really sweet guy, but trust me, that man doesn’t need a
foul-mouthed, fuck-up with a nasty temper. He’s better off.”
Brian could sense that I wanted to
drop the subject and I thanked God when he stopped pestering me about it. He
was quiet for a minute and then gave me that devilish grin again. “Oh God! What
is it now?”
“You really are foul-mouthed aren’t
you?”
Brian and I had a good laugh and then
we each went our separate ways. It turned out that Mom was going to be kept
over night so I went home to get a decent night’s sleep. Since the shop was
closed all weekend, tomorrow I was taking some time to myself. Brian had lifted
my spirits some but I still felt like I had a lot of shit to figure out.
***