Chapter 5
…Beep…Beep…Beep…
“Nick, can you hear me?”
Nick, don’t forget what we
talked about…
“Nick? Come back to us buddy…”
I’ll be seeing you soon!
He blinked, opening his eyes again. Immediately he
squinted, the bright lights momentarily blinding him before faces hovered above
him in his vision. No, one face hovered above him. He’d thought he’d seen too,
but it’d been a trick of the light. Brian broke into a wide grin as he embraced
him immediately, awkward thanks to everything Nick was hooked up to. He took
everything in. Just behind him, much to his surprise was Leighanne. Why was she
there? They had issues, always have.
“Nick?”
His eyes shifted around, still unfocused. Memories
rushed through his mind in a rapid blur. A night out at the clubs. The storm,
and the drive home. There had been a crash, and then nothing. Or was there
more? He could quite grasp them, but there were images flashing through his
mind. A young woman. Nick, staring down at his own broken, damaged body. He
shook his head. Dreams, most likely.
“Brian?” He croaked, finally. He’d meant to say
something different, like a thank you, for being there. He didn’t like to think
about it, but Nick had always assumed if something happened to him like this,
Brian would’ve chalked it up as Nick bringing it on himself. Cynical or not, it
was comforting, heartwarming, to see him there at his side.
“Thank God…” Brian murmured, hugging him once
again. “Leigh, get the doctors.”
“Glad to have you back with the living Nick.” She
said with a smile, before doing just as her husband had told her. It was better
that way. Nick had not a clue of how to respond after years of resentment and
dislike hovering between the two of them. At least, not without starting a
fight at least.
He simply nodded, not up for saying anything, but
wanting more than anything to be free of all the cords and wires holding him
still to the hospital bed. He tried once again to sort everything out. He
sighed mentally, what did it matter anyway? It wasn’t like anything was going
to get better.
“Frack, how you feeling?”
Nick jerked at the old nickname. Brian hadn’t
called him that in a long time, not since he got serious with Leighanne at
least. He simply stared up at him, somewhat in awe. Where had everything gone
wrong? How had a bond, once so close, so secure, become so broken? Had it been
his fault, like his dreams had said?
They were dreams, he reminded himself firmly. Or had it been
because of Brian, because of Leighanne, the way he’d always told himself? It
felt like old times though, like they hadn’t drifted apart over the past few
years. That their friendship was as tight as it had ever been. It was an odd
feeling. Nick swallowed hard, suddenly craving water.
“Thirsty.” It was a noncommittal response and he
was thankful for it. There was too much in his head right then, he felt like he
was on sensory overload. This wasn’t the time or the place for trying to sort
things out. Brian looked relieved as well that Nick’s solitary word shattered
the awkward moment between them.
“Right…” He went for a glass of water, and Nick
tried to slowly get himself sitting up. It amazed him how weak he felt, his arm
felt like rubber, while the other arm was in a cast. He glanced down, wondering
what else he’d broken. Parts of his body he hadn’t realized could feel pain
were aching mercilessly. Eventually though, he accomplished his goal, feeling
thoroughly exhausted.
Brian held up the glass of water to his lips.
Suddenly, a streak of sudden pride washed through him as he roughly grabbed it
with his uninjured hand and caused a few drops to spill on the sheets. He
didn’t want to be treated as the invalid he knew he was at the moment. He could
do things for himself. The ferocity must have surprised Brian, as he took a
step back, his hands held up in surrender. Nick took a sip and said nothing.
I’m hurt, I ain’t dead. Fuck.
“So…Nick, what happened that night?” His friend
asked, finally breaking the silence again. He just wanted to know what was
taking Leighanne so long finding a doctor. Not that he minded her being gone of
course.
“Which one?” He asked without a moment’s thought.
It sounded odd, even to him.
Brian’s brows furrowed a bit as Nick took another
sip. “The night of the accident.”
His head turned away and he stared at the wall.
What would Brian know? He wouldn’t understand. A nagging feeling entered his
head, throbbed incessantly. Nick pushed it aside, it was probably a headache.
He did just come out of a coma after what must have been a pretty bad accident.
No, he knew he’d been bad, he’d seen the wreckage. It was a miracle he was
awake at all.
…The hell? Where did that
thought come from? How could I see the wreck when I was the one in it?
“I was having some fun.” He finally said after
trying to shake the troubling thoughts out of his mind.
“You call that fun?!” Brian asked incredulously,
all the warmth had suddenly vanished from his voice. It was like their bond
that Nick had thought resurfaced had once again been turned off like a light
switch.
“Not the accident, but I was having fun up until
then, yeah!”
The man he once called his best friend turned
away, but Nick could make out his mutterings all the same. “Fun, are you
kidding me? …Maybe that knock to your head killed your common sense.”
“You know what Brian, I can fucking hear you!”
The door opened just as Brian turned to face him.
His mouth closed once again and silenced the angry retort Nick knew was lingering
there inside. He expected to see the doctor or Leighanne enter the room, but
instead, it was Kevin. He glanced between them and looked puzzled to see the
furious stares shooting between them. Brian just shook his head, his expression
an unreadable mix of frustration, worry, and distaste.
“I’m going to see what’s taking Leigh so long.”
Kevin raised a brow at him as he walked over and
pulled up a chair to sit beside his bed. He sighed and Nick saw up close just
how tired he was. Kevin always had that knack of being able to get him to feel
guilty. He took another sip of water as an excuse not to talk. He was tired
anyway, not that he’d admit it to anyone right then.
“You’re awake not even an hour and you’re already
back to pissing people off.”
He rolled his eyes while Kevin chuckled.
“I don’t like being treated like a fucking child.”
Kevin’s eyes stared into him with those piercing
green eyes, in a way only Kevin could. “Then maybe Nick, you need to stop
acting like one.”
“I don’t-”
“No, Nick, you need to hear me out. You have any
idea how worried we’ve been, how many times Brian’s been pestering the doctors
about you, arguing with your mother – and you know how she is – doing
everything he can for you? It drove him crazy; it drove us all crazy, having
you in here like this. Even if we’re pissing you off, the least you can do is
deal with it.”
He turned his head away, staring at the wall. He
was so sick of being told what to do. And what right did Kevin have to do that
anymore? He’d abandoned them, abandoned the group. He didn’t deserve to boss
him around anymore. He heard Kevin sigh, but neither of them said anything
more. He loved them, more than he’d ever told them. They were his brothers, his
family in all the ways his own “blood family” had failed him. At the same time,
they didn’t understand. They never would. They all had family who supported
them. Even if friends they made failed them, they had their family.
Nick never had that luxury.
He knew Kevin, Brian, AJ, and Howie all loved him,
that they cared. He could even say that in some twisted way, the Carters all
loved him too. But was any of it unconditional? Probably not. He stopped
believing in that a long time ago. Love had limits. No matter how many people
denied it and tried to say otherwise. He knew better. Too many people had used
him, given up on him, for Nick to believe otherwise. His band mates were still
around, but who knew how long that would continue. Even Brian. Sure, Brian was
here, Brian cared. But it wasn’t like they were friends anymore outside of the
group; it wasn’t like they were close. Not how they used to be. Slowly but
surely, he was giving up on him. Just like everyone else in his life.
Nick just continued to pretend he wasn’t affected
by any of it. It was all he could do.
Kevin took his uninjured hand. “Look, little man…”
The doctor came in before he could say anything
more. And for that, Nick was thankful. He didn’t want any more “deep” talks. He
didn’t want to hear it. All he wanted was for them to let him be. He thought of
his siblings, his parents. Did any of them even bother to come visit them in
here? Probably not. The fellas might drive him crazy, but at least they came.
The doctor was talking to him, but Nick tuned it
out. He’d had enough talking for the day.
Fuck, I don’t even think I
know what I want. I want them gone, I’m glad they’re here. He hated feeling
such a mess. Maybe it was the medication. Or, maybe he was just being honest
with himself. Nick wasn’t really sure.
He simply wished he didn’t feel so alone all the
time.
****
Grace watched them from the doorway. She knew none
of them would sense her. But she could sense them, their emotions, their fears,
their thoughts. None of them were particularly pleasant at the moment. Her eyes
focused on Nick. He reminded her so much of herself back when she was still
alive. He had so many people around him who loved him, and he was so tragically
blind to all of it. All he could see was everything he lacked.
She was like that once.
Grace started walking down the hall as she
pondered her next move. Why did God believe she could handle this? She couldn’t
even handle herself when she’d traveled down a similar path so many years
before in her own lifetime. Why would He make Nick her new charge? She sighed.
God worked in mysterious ways, it was a phrase she’d found to be proven true in
so many ways.
Somehow, someway, she had to make this work. She
had to make him see everything she, herself, had once been blind to. Grace
desperately wanted to protect him from the fate that had befallen her. If only
he could see how much of a blessing it was to be alive, he wouldn’t be so
self-destructive. Maybe then, he wouldn’t subconsciously try to find ways to
kill himself. She stepped outside the hospital, enjoying the breeze as she took
on her corporeal form. At least this assignment had some blessings. It was the
closest she’d felt to being alive since she died.
She thought back to her life, back to a simpler time.
Back to the pain and the joy, to the thrills of simply being alive. Of
everything Nick would miss if he finally accomplished his goal. Grace stared up
at the stars, at the heavens beyond them that mortals couldn’t see. The beauty
was breathtaking, but had nothing on Earth. Her jaw set.
She couldn’t fail him.
***