Chapter 2
I stepped out onto our new screened in
deck into the cool evening air and looked out over the lake. It was one of
those unseasonably warm nights in Lexington that were easy to enjoy. My best
friend Kelly and her husband Joey had just left after spending the entire day
helping me move boxes from my old apartment, and I was feeling a little bit
lonely. I busied myself gathering pizza boxes and paper plates from the patio
table and tossing them into the trashcan before laying down on the lounge chair
and pulling out my journal.
~~~~~~
It's been almost exactly six months
since I was diagnosed with cancer and life has been a worldwind of activity. I
spent the first month in and out of the hospital receiving chemotherapy
treatments and eventually having surgery. I also suffered from a miscarriage.
It was, most definitely, the worst month of my life and yet somehow I managed
to make it through. The months that have followed have been all but taken up by
chemotherapy and radiation treatments and now as hard as it is to believe...
I'm finally nearing the end of it all.
The treatments are never easy. Nick
and I drive to the hospital where I spend the entire day sitting in a small
room hooked up to an IV that sends poisons into my body. Nick, God love him,
will do anything and everything in his power to make the day go by quicker. He
reads to me or sings to me or just sits there with me and holds my hand, but he
is always there for me. When the treatments are over we drive back to my
apartment where I inevitably spend the night puking my guts out while Nick sits
by and rubs my back or holds my hair and reassures me that it will all be over
soon. When the vomiting finally ends I typically sleep for hours.
It's not too horrible.
But don't let my attitude fool you.
I'm not always strong. There have been several nights when I haven't felt like
I could do it anymore. When I haven't felt like I could live through another
day or another treatment. On those nights Nick has taken me in his arms and
held me close to him and told me that he will always be there for me... that he
would take my place if he could.
I've struggled through those days and
those moments but I like to think they've made me stronger.
I've spent several weeks in the
hospital with fevers and I've had times where I've had to avoid being around
the general public and even my friends when I've suffered from low blood
counts. That means that my body couldn't fight off infection and so I had to
try my best to avoid it altogether. That was rough. I hated not being able to
go out to the mall or even to a movie with my friends. I hated being stuck in
my apartment.
And then there was the day I lost my
hair.
I will never forget that morning. I
had woken up from a rough night and reached up to run my fingers through my
hair. When I pulled them away my hands were filled with long strands of blonde.
I had rolled over and looked down to find the clumps all over my pillow and I
had screamed out loudly into the morning silence. Nick had spent the next
several hours assuring me that I was beautiful and that I would always be
beautiful to him no matter what. My hair continued to fall out all day until
finally that night I asked Nick to shave my head. He did so with shaking hands
and was about to shave his own head when I stopped him. I couldn't bare the
thought of not having someone's hair to run my fingers through.
When I felt good enough we had spent
our days house hunting. The lease on my apartment is set to end in November and
Nick wanted to buy a house, our house, by the end of the year. We found a
gorgeous plot of land right outside of Lexington with a beautiful older home
and we jumped at the chance to purchase it. It would be available the first
week in October and the timing couldn't have been better. I moved in this week.
The Backstreet Boys were supposed to
be touring in September and though Nick had tried to convince me on more than
one occasion that they would cancel the tour and he would stay home with me.
AJ, Brian and Howie had agreed and Brian had wanted to cancel the tour anyway
but I had told them no, that they should go and enjoy themselves... that I
would be fine. After months of convincing and the promise that Kevin and Leigh
would check up on me daily they had agreed to go on the six week tour.
~~~~~~
I shivered in the night air and
sighed, two more weeks and the guys would be home. I missed Nick so much that
no amount of talking to him on the phone would suffice. We talked to each other
everyday, sometimes 5 or 6 times a day, but I it wasn't the same as having him
with me.
It was getting cooler now and I knew
the last thing I needed was to get chilled and end up in the hospital with a
cold or fever. I gathered up my things and headed in to the house. I made sure
all of the doors were locked and then headed up to the guestroom. I was saving
sleeping in the master bedroom for when Nick came home. I really hated being
alone in a house that big so I turned on the tv and drifted off to sleep
watching the news.
***
