10. On Track

AJ

Backstreet Boys are Back on Track.

Only eleven weeks after the tragedy that took the lives of both son and wife of band member Brian Littrell, the Backstreet Boys seem to be back on track. Management of the classic boyband confirmed yesterday that the singers will be back on tour beginning next week. Surprisingly with all five original members. The tour has been adapted to the injuries Littrell sustained in the tragic accident in which he lost his wife and son. Whether there are any noticeable changes in the band or if they are going to continue like nothing ever happened, is not clear yet.

AJ snorted when he put the magazine back onto the small table in his dressing room. Not clear yet. It was perfectly clear to him. Brian seemed to be determined to let the outside world think that nothing bad had happened. He didn’t want anyone to believe something could be wrong. He pulled off this act remarkably well, and if you didn’t know any better you wouldn’t be able to tell anything had happened at all. Brian went through performances like he had always done. The fans seemed startled at first to see him, but soon they were led to think that nothing had ever changed. Nothing seemed to have changed. But it had. There were these subtle changes in Brian that you wouldn’t be able to notice if you hadn’t been in a band with him for the past twenty years. Outsiders couldn’t seem them, but AJ could. AJ could clearly see the hell Brian was going through and it made him desperately want to scream.

It was the way Brian would turn off the radio whenever Michael Jackson was on. The way he would try and call his wife whenever he thought nobody was watching. The way he seemed ready to throw up whenever they were singing a sappy love song. The way Brian was only able to smile whenever they were in front of the fans, or the press. The smile never reached his eyes though. It was the way Brian didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything except music. The way his eyes seemed cold and empty. Almost dead. The way he seemed much older than any of them. The way he appeared sicker and more exhausted than ever as more days went by.

AJ was worried. Brian was heading for destruction and there wasn’t a damn thing they could do to stop it. So AJ was worried, but he was scared as well. He didn’t know what had gotten into his brother, but he knew that it wasn’t Brian anymore. Brian was someone that felt things very deeply. He was the one that would cry whenever Grey’s Anatomy was on. He was the one who would beam with pride for days when his son’s first word was ‘Daddy’. Now that caring, loving person was nowhere near in sight. AJ hadn’t seen Brian cry once over the death of his family. He knew the emotions had to be there, he just wasn’t sure if Brian felt them.

“Can I ask you something?”

AJ looked up from the magazine. He could see Nick standing in the doorway, looking tentatively at him. Nick hesitatingly took a few steps in to the room and kept staring from the floor back to AJ. The tattooed Backstreet Boy had to suppress a grin. It was funny to keep letting Nick think that he was mad at him. Fact was that he had forgiven Nick a long time ago, but it wouldn’t be fun if Nick knew that.

“What is it?”

“I wanna go shoot some hoops. You wanna join me?”

AJ waited, he knew that wasn’t all.

“And uhhh, do you think Brian would like to join us?”

“Umm, yes and yes, but that probably wouldn’t be such a great idea.”

“Why not?”

“Jesus, are you blind or something? Have you seen that kid? I bet he’s gonna fall over if you give him a little push. But hey, I guess he’ll still be able to beat you.”

“Awww, thanks a lot.’’

Not only did Brian seem to want to convince the outside world that everything was going oh so well, he seemed to insist he was fine to the group as well. So AJ had no doubt that Brian would say yes to a basketball challenge. He had to give the blond singer credit for his stubbornness. He knew Brian had a hard time sleeping at night, he could barely stay awake whenever they were doing an interview and when you were looking for him, he was always dozing off in a chair of some sort. AJ knew Brian only ate whenever he was forced to, usually by Kevin. The broken singer must have lost a lot of weight in the eleven weeks after the accident. Brian had never been that firm, but seeing him now, with only his skin over his bones, it seemed, AJ longed back to the time Brian had looked healthy and not like a zombie.

“Besides, we can’t shut him out in everything we do.”

Nick had a point. Nick had a point? AJ had to admit that they had been treating Brian like he was made of glass. But he wasn’t, more like made of stone. How many times had he almost died now? AJ lost count, but Brian always seemed to bounce back, well more or less.

“Okay, I hate to admit it, but you’re right.”

“I am? I mean, I am. Of course I am.”

“Shut up Nick.”

“Right.”

It wasn’t difficult to locate Brian. He was in his dressing room, asleep AJ supposed. He actually was surprised when they found Brian on the phone. The singer hung up when he saw them come in.

“Who were you talking to, Rok?”

“No one, they didn’t pick up.”

I bet.

“Figures.”

He only needed to look at Brian to know it had been one of those calls. AJ wondered what it would take for Brian to realize his wife was never gonna pick up the phone again.

“So we were wondering if you want to play basketball with us?”

“Really?” Was that so hard to believe?

“Yeah man, I still have to get my revanche from last time, remember?”

“Okayyy…” AJ could clearly read the suspicion in Brian’s eyes, but refused to notice.

“Come on man, it’s gonna be fun. You need some fun.”

“Don’t tell me what I need.”

“Whatever, are you in or not?”

“Sure.” Nick smiled exultantly at AJ. Told you he would join, he mouthed.

“Cool, I’ll bring my iPod.” The youngest Backstreet Boy smiled.

The court was quiet around this time and AJ was glad for that. He didn’t actually like anyone to be able to see just how much he sucked at basketball. Nick was constantly laughing and yelling at him and even Brian couldn’t resist to send some badly sounding insults his way. Right at that moment, it was like nothing had ever changed. He was still getting his butt kicked by Brian and even Nick was better than him now. He sighed dramatically as Brian grabbed the ball out of his hands for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. Nick crowed at him and seemed to get great kicks just insulting him.

“Dude, you suck! Wanna be in my team?”

“There’s three of us, we can’t play in teams!”

“I think Brian can do perfectly on his own, besides, you won’t be of much help to me anyway, right Brian?”

“I guess.”

“Man, I can’t believe you’re actually with him on this!”

Brian shrugged. “Well, you do suck.”

“Yeah, I bet even Ava could play better than you.” Nick grinned.

AJ scowled at him, he was going too far. He didn’t want anyone to mention his little girl in front of Brian. He tried to keep her away from the traumatized Backstreet Boy the best he could, not only because he didn’t want to confront Brian with the child, but also because the way Brian looked at her whenever he did get to see her, scared the hell out of AJ. Brian would frown at her, deep in thought, as if he was trying to remember something important that he forgot.

“Shut up, Nick.”

“I was just saying…”

“Just be quiet and give me that ball.”

The game continued without much further ado. AJ had to give it to Nick, his iPod had some amazing songs on them. That is if you didn’t count all the ABBA songs and he might have heard some One Direction, but Nick dismissed it as: “We have to know what we’re up against.” On the sounds of We Are The Champions by Queen, Brian ran off with the ball again. It was unbelievable. He was up two against one, not completely healed at all, and he was still kicking their asses. They should be ashamed of themselves. Well, I can always claim I let him win.

‘’Hush little Baby, don't you cry,

Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby,

Everythings gonna be alright,

The Lord's gonna answer your prayers tonight.’’

“Man, I can’t believe you have this song! It’s like a million years old, dude!”

“I’m sorry man, I just like it, okay?”

“Sure, you just… Brian?”

AJ trailed off when he got sight of Brian. The singer had halted in mid-run, the basketball still in his hands, staring bewildered at Nick’s iPod. A terrified look of panic crossed his face and he dropped the ball in an instant, backing away.

“B-Rok? What’s going on, dude?”

“Turn it off.” Brian whispered.

“What? Why?”

“TURN IT OFF!” He began to scream. The other two stared at him in shock.

“TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!”

“Alright, alright, just calm down okay?” Nick jogged to the corner of the basketball court and turned the offending music down. It didn’t help. Brian was completely freaking out, falling to his knees, he brought his hands to his ears and curled up in a ball.

Stunned, AJ approached the fallen Backstreet Boy tentatively. When he got closer he could see Brian shaking violently. He tried to place a hand on the blonds shoulder, but could feel Brian tense up and jerk away from him frantically. He could hear the singer’s breathing increase, it was erratic, frantic, on the verge of hyperventilating and AJ knew instantly what was happening. Panic attack. He remembered when he had had them. They felt like the worst thing in the world. They had to calm the kid down before it got any worse.

“TURN IT OFF!” Brian was still screaming.

“Brian? Brian, look at me, buddy.”

This time Brian didn’t flinch away from his touch, but he still refused to open his eyes.

“Turn it off, turn it off.” It was becoming a mantra. The Kentuckian had shut himself out of the world completely, chanting to himself over and over again to turn it off. AJ didn’t know why Brian was panicking like this, but it didn’t really matter right now.

“Brian, it’s okay, it’s turned off, alright?” Brian didn’t answer. Tears were streaming down his face. AJ desperately tried to locate Nick. The youngest Backstreet Boy looked terrified, afraid to come any closer.

“Nick! He’s having a panic attack! We need your help!”

AJ couldn’t explain the next thing that happened. Nick, who seemed to have snapped out of his trance, came towards them with a determined look on his face, stood still to observe the situation and then wrapped his arms securely around Brian’s form. Brian began to struggle at first, but Nick held on tightly. Then Brian just seemed to give up his fight to stay strong in front of everybody and melted into Nick’s arms. Heart-breaking sobs escaped his throat as he let go of all the pain and sorrow he had built up for eleven weeks.  

“It’s not fair! They didn’t deserve this! I don’t deserve this!”

AJ watched helplessly as Nick didn’t answer, just continued to embrace the crying Backstreet Boy. There were also tears gliding down Nick’s face as he cried with Brian, out of loyalty, out of compassion, out of anger.

Suddenly Brian seemed to change his mind and started pushing Nick away.

“Let go! I’m not worth it!”

“What? What do you mean?” Nick asked surprised.

“Don’t you understand? It’s all my fault! They’re dead because of me!”

AJ sighed, he had been waiting for something like this, it was only normal to feel guilty when someone so close had been taken away from you.

“Brian, no, don’t even think about it. It’s no one’s fault, and certainly not yours!”

“Shut up! What do you know? You don’t know anything, Alex!” It took a lot for Brian to call him Alex. AJ inched back, a defeated look on his face.

“Fine, whatever dude!” He got out of the court, not looking back. He could hear Nick trying to calm Brian down, he still held him in his arms, refusing to back out. Nick seemed to have changed in the eight weeks since he had come back. He was determined to help Brian, to stay by his side whatever happened, like his personal guard dog. And in return, Nick was the only one Brian seemed to trust, even if it was just a little bit. It reminded AJ of the time they were just starting out. Nick had been Brian’s shadow then, he was Brian’s dog now. AJ didn’t understand why Nick couldn’t see that Brian was only using him. He wouldn’t let anyone in, no matter how hard Nick would try. But, apparently, the world would end sooner than for Nick to lose his faith in Brian.

AJ didn’t meet up with them again that day. He was ashamed of himself that he had stormed out like that. The dirty looks he received from Nick only testified to that fact. AJ was a hypocrite. He’d been so angry with Nick for running away, had ignored him for days when he came back, and now, now he had run away himself.

He came back to the hotel late that night. He’d been sharing a room with Brian this time and was afraid to go back. He wanted to tell him he was sorry for the way he had reacted during the basketball game, but couldn’t make up his mind in search for words to make it up with the blond singer.

He recognized the smell immediately. It was the smell of something that had been his lethal friend for longer than he cared to remember. Alcohol. AJ hated it with a vengeance now, only because he had loved it so much back then. It had ruined his life in so many ways that he refused to ever touch something so evil again. But it never seemed to work, as it always lured him back into its claws, time after time. There would always come a day, sooner or later, that he’d give into it again. But today was not that day. Today it had set its filthy teeth into Brian.

Brian and alcohol was a combination that didn’t really work out. Brian didn’t like alcohol, alcohol didn’t like Brian. That’s probably why he always cheated whenever he was challenged to take a shot during the cruise, he didn’t wanna make a fool out of himself.  You could give Brian two beers and he’d be dancing the polka. He’d pass out after three. But today was not such a day.

AJ walked slowly, taking hesitating steps. He didn’t want to know what state Brian would be in, but he also knew that he would probably be the only one to help the broken singer with this. He had heard enough therapy about drugs and alcohol for a lifetime, so he knew exactly what he would say to Brian. He came across several empty bottles that reeked of some sort of cheap, strong alcohol. My god, there are like ten of these!

When he got sight of Brian, he was glad that the blond Backstreet Boy was still sitting upright. Brian just sat on his bed, a half-empty bottle in his grasp and a lost look on his face as he watched the news on the television.

“AJ, can you believe that shit? It doesn’t even look real!” Brian’s speech was slurred and he looked at him with glassy, unfocused eyes.

“Not really, dude…”

“Well hey, I guess they should have realized sooner before they started selling the stuff, right?”

“I guess.”

“Yeah.”

“Say, B-Rok, the hell you’ve been drinking?”

“Dude, I have no idea. I just know that it’s cheap, and it’s working. That’s all I need.”

AJ looked disapprovingly at him. He couldn’t blame the man, he knew what it was like to just wanna drown your problems, drink them away, but he also knew how wrong it was to do so.

“Alright, I think you’ve had more than enough, let’s get you into bed.”

“I’m already in bed, AJ.”

“Okay, I meant that you should go to sleep.”

“I don’t want to sleep, Alex.”

“Do not call me Alex.”

Brian began to laugh hysterically. “I’m sorry Bub, I won’t call you Bub.”

AJ frowned. He had never seen Brian so drunk, in fact, he’d never seen anyone drunk like this, and he had seen a lot of drunk people. He gently pushed the still giggling Backstreet Boy on the bed, trying to get him to sleep.

“Whooaah, AJ what ya think ya doin’?”

“I’m not doing anything. You on the other hand, are going to sleep.”

“But I don’t want to!”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because it’s scary.”

“Come on man, it’s just nightmares.”

“Ha! I wish!”

He had no idea what Brian was talking about, but that didn’t say much. He never knew what people were talking about when they were drunk.

“Can’t you just go to sleep? Nothing’s going to happen, okay.”

“I don’t want those dreams anymore AJ, I want them to stop. Please, I can’t do it anymore.”

“It’s okay, believe me, with as much alcohol as you’ve consumed, you’ll sleep without any dreams.”

“You sure?”

“A hundred percent, two hundred, if I need to”

He saw Brian smile, not really convinced, but he took what he could get.

“You know AJ?”

“What?”

“He wanted me to sing to him.”

AJ got the uneasy feeling that he had already had this talk with Brian.

“Who, Brian?”

“Baylee, he wanted me to sing to him in the car.”

“When?”

“Right after we crasssshed.” Brian smiled again, as if it was a happy memory.

“Brian, Baylee died immediately, you know that.”

“No, he didn’t. He wanted me to sing.”

“But the doctors said…”

“Dude, I was there, I know what I saw.” But Brian seemed to hesitate. He still wasn’t sure if it had been a dream or not. Doctors had said that Baylee had immediately died right after the crash. Brian didn’t believe them, he had been there, had seen it, had held his hand that had felt so cold. As if he were already dead.

“Okay, okay, I believe you.”

Brian scoffed. “No, you don’t.”

“Sure I do.”

“I don’t wanna have to sing that song ever again, Alex.”

“What song?”

“You know what song.”

“No, I don’t. Wait…”

Hush little Baby don’t you cry…

“That’s why you freaked out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to go to sleep now.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeaaah…”

“Well, alright then, I wish you a goodnight.”

“Yeah yeah, you too and all that.”

AJ was thinking of a smart reply, but it didn’t really matter. He noticed Brian was already fast asleep.

He woke up in the middle of the night when he heard a loud thump coming from across the room. He looked towards Brian’s bed and found that it was empty. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he sat upright in his own bed. When he listened closely, he could hear someone coughing miserably. Goddamnit, he’s throwing up! AJ got to his feet immediately and crossed the room in three long strides. Brian was still lying on his back in the place where he had fallen out of bed. I have to get him on his side, he might choke on it. AJ reached out to Brian and could instantly feel the heat radiating off of the blond singer, as the kid emptied the contents of his stomach. He was shaking and sweating and surprisingly, still asleep. His breathing was ragged as he trashed and writhed on the floor. Something wasn’t right. When AJ would get drunk, he’d throw up, but he’d never get sick like this. Then he knew. Pain medication and alcohol were never the best combination, not even when you were a seasoned drinker. Brian certainly wasn’t. His breathing only got worse and he began to scream unintelligible things.

“Brian? B-Rok? You need to wake up.” But Brian couldn’t wake up, he seemed stuck inside his head.

AJ completely panicked for the first time in a long time. He didn’t know what to do, so he began to shake Brian’s shoulders roughly. He needed to wake him up, everything would be fine once Brian was awake.

“Brian! Listen to me, you have to listen to me, you have to wake up, goddamnit!”

Brian’s eyes flew wide-open, but he probably wasn’t able to see anything. AJ began to scream of terror when he saw Brian’s eyes. They were bright blue, glowing… It didn’t last long though, the eyes rolled back inside his head till only the whites were visible. Something went terribly wrong inside Brian’s head, short circuit, it was the only way AJ could bring it into words. He watched helplessly as Brian’s back arched and he began to thrash violently around, shaking uncontrollably. Soon the chills turned into convulsions and Brian began to scream.

“Noooooo…”

AJ got to his feet and started to pounce his fists on the wall. He only hoped Nick could hear him.

“Help! I need help!”

“Noooooo…”

“Brian!” Nick appeared in the doorway only seconds later. AJ suspected he had been standing there for a few minutes already. “The hell is happening in here?!”

“He’s having a seizure!”

“What?! Why?!”

“Doesn’t matter!” He didn’t want to tell Nick that Brian had been drinking like never before, he didn’t have time for that. In combination with the painkillers it could be catastrophic.

“What do we do?!”

“Hold him down.” The convulsions were lessening in intensity and Brian seemed to calm down a little. He was still shaking and writhing on the floor, but his movements were not so violent as they had been before.

“That’s it, buddy, just calm down.” The seizure had been bad, but it were the following words out of Brian’s mouth that AJ would remember best from that night.

“Nooooooo…. AVA!!!”

It was the moment AJ lost track of Brian completely.

***

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